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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the way DH talks to the baby

293 replies

Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 02:37

I fully understand the frustration of getting up multiple times at night with a crying baby, DD (13 m/o) is going through a real rough patch ATM. She's had multiple infections and teeth are coming through plus the novelty of being able to stand in the cot has her sleep all out of alignment.

DH usually wakes up to deal with her because I don't always hear her straight away but I do often come round to hearing him over the monitor calling her a stupid baby and telling her to go to f-ing sleep etc whilst she screams her head off.

I've had several conversations with him about it and that she will start to understand what he is saying very soon, what do you want your daughter to think about you/feel when she sees you etc. But nothing seems to be getting through to him. I try and take over when I hear him getting frustrated but he won't hand her over. Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

I'm really struggling because it has a massive effect on how I see him and our marriage (he feels I'm nagging at him as I keep talking about it, I feel upset and frustrated he keeps doing it). Any suggestions on how I can help?

OP posts:
PleaseAndThanks · 14/05/2018 02:56

I don’t want to over exaggerate, but there is no way on this earth that I would allow anyone to speak to my child like that. Father or not.
My DP once raises his voice to our wailing 6 month old and shouted ‘shut up’ and I told him that if he ever did that again I would be leaving, and mean it. Now that might be OTT, but to repeatedly swear at her and call her a stupid baby is not acceptable...
If he won’t listen to you or change it would be a total relationship ender for me. Your poor daughter. Especially now she will starting to understand language.

steff13 · 14/05/2018 03:03

He sounds very volatile. I couldn't stay with him.

tillytown · 14/05/2018 03:07

When he hits the cot, is she still in it?

AjasLipstick · 14/05/2018 03:07

Are you fucking joking me?

You've "had several conversations" with him about this but still allow him near her at night and alone??

I also don't want to exaggerate and I am not one to shout LEAVE usually but ....LEAVE!

Verbal abuse and HITTING THE COT will do harm to your baby immediately and in the long term OP.

This is serious!

AjasLipstick · 14/05/2018 03:07

Oh God I missed that she's over 1 already!

She ALREADY UNDERSTAND HIM OP!

Ractify · 14/05/2018 03:07

His behaviour and words are completely unacceptable. It doesn't matter how old the baby is, the tone and feeling behind the words is clear, and would be causing distress and anxiety to the baby.

Everyone gets frustrated, and disturbed sleep is very hard to deal with - but his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I wouldn't allow it near my child.

Copperbonnet · 14/05/2018 03:08

This is seriously not ok.

You need to talk to him about it when he is calm (ie not in the middle of the night)

Ask him whether he thinks anyone else would think it was ok if they witnessed it? His parents, friends, social services?

This isn’t normal behaviour at all.

He needs to get control of his temper now. How on earth is he going to cope with toddler temper tantrums?

You need to think very carefully about this. You job is to protect your DD.

Bummymum · 14/05/2018 03:11

Protect your child. He sounds like he shouldn't be around her. I'd leave my husband if he did any of that.

Godowneasy · 14/05/2018 03:12

Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

You are right to be very worried about this indeed!

He sounds out of control. It must be absolutely terrifying for the baby when he does this. It's violent behaviour. He needs to find a solution otherwise he'll probably be hitting the baby next.

Sassy306 · 14/05/2018 03:24

I'm currently awake feeding my baby and there is no way i would allow that..i would move in to my baby's room immediatley so that i could give her the love and care she deserves 24/7!

Have a serious talk with him about his behaviour, make sure he knows that he needs to get you to take over asap if its too much for him and not take it out on the poor defenceless baby! If he doesnt change then you know what to do!

Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2018 03:30

How can you possibly still be with him?? The damage he will do to your daughter is incalculable. You knowing how he abuses her makes you complicit. If you refuse to protect her, neither one of you deserves to raise her.

SunnyCoco · 14/05/2018 03:34

OP this is really serious
Shouting and swearing at a baby, and HITTING HER COT? No wonder she is screaming
What do you mean he won’t hand her
Over?
Please remove her from
This situation

mathanxiety · 14/05/2018 03:40

This must end tonight. It is violent and terrifying behaviour.

Your H must leave.

Or you and the baby must leave.

You cannot let him anywhere near the baby.

If any of your neighbours overhear this abuse they will be completely justified in calling social services.

magnetiq · 14/05/2018 03:44

Hoping this isn't real. OP of course you can't allow this to continue - protect your child!

fuzzywuzzy · 14/05/2018 03:47

If he’s hitting her cot he’s scaring her and that will be contributing to her crying.

Get away from him.

This can only escalate.

Cuppaqueen · 14/05/2018 03:48

I think you know this behaviour isn't acceptable. But just to check: how often is this happening? And is he shouting at her or just saying wearily, go to f-ing sleep please? (because I've been guilty of that myself occasionally even though I love my son to bits and am generally very patient - chronic sleep deprivation is wearing). You don't actually say in your post and PP are reading it that he's yelling at her.

Hitting the cot is not on, obviously. But again, there's degrees of force here. You don't seem to feel it's immediately serious or you would be jumping in.

If the answers to the above are not shouting and not hard, then I think you need to sit down and tell him forcefully in the daytime that you cannot accept this behaviour, that if it doesn't change you'll need to take action. Showing him the immediate reactions to your post should help. Swearing needs to stop.

If he is yelling and punching, then agree with PP you need to go in with your dd to put a stop to it at once. And consider her safety which is your primary duty. What's he like with her and you the rest of the time? Is this an aberration? Out of character?

Tough situation, you have my sympathy regardless. Hope you fix it ASAP.

missperegrinespeculiar · 14/05/2018 03:48

How you can help?! This is not about helping him now, the first thing is to get your baby out of that awful situation, only THEN if you have the strength and inclination you may consider helping him by encouraging therapy and counselling for his anger problem.

That poor baby, she wakes up with the pain of teething, is upset and instead of a cuddle she gets screamed at and witnesses her dad in a rage hitting her cot, this is incredibly damaging, she does not need to understand him to know what's going on, you can't let it happen even just one more time, get up before him when she cries and avoid this situation at all costs while you make plans to leave until he can sort his issues.

flumpybear · 14/05/2018 03:49

Your DP is a bully and perhaps he can't cope with lack of sleep but he's abusive towards a tiny baby! Totally unacceptable - tell him he's got to go if it doesn't stop immediately - my husband couldn't cope with the night wake ups either but didn't take it out on a vulnerable child

Polkadots72 · 14/05/2018 03:50

We all get frustrated sometimes but that is really not okay how could anyone look at a baby and speak to them that way poor little mite. Put the baby in your room so you hear her and pack that fuckers bags for him.

Newbiecat · 14/05/2018 04:02

I think in answer to your question you could help by you getting up for the baby. Turn the baby monitor up and have it on your side of the bed. Your DH clearly isn’t coping with the interrupted sleep. He needs a break, and though he may not realise it, he needs help.
I too have been guilty of wearily saying “ oh just go to f’ing sleep” on occasion like another poster. No one is perfect.
This sounds like more than that though and you need to sit down with him again and talk it through, but I think you need to take over in the night before doing this. Show him how you do it- hushing/patting/rocking/singing whatever works. He may be at a loss for how to deal with things here.
Best of luck

sadiekate · 14/05/2018 04:24

"You are complicit if you don't leave": would you say that to a woman affected by domestic violence, @aquamarine1029?

GreenItWas · 14/05/2018 04:31

Sadie But with domestic violence there isn't an at risk minor. The OP is in law complicit and exposing herself to litigation by knowing this behaviour is occurring and doing nothing material about it.

Jazzy11 · 14/05/2018 04:33

Fucking leave him ASAP anyone who can speak to a baby like that has serious issues ! In the mean time whilst planning your escape move in to babies room and camp on the floor so you can hear her and get up! She must be absolutely terrified and that will make her cry more that the person that's supposed to love her and care for her is being abusive ! This really is not okay you need to record instances so that if you leave and it goes to court about child custody, he will get no chance !

sadiekate · 14/05/2018 04:36

@greenitwas Of course there is. Often the violence is directed at them too and even if it isn't, the psychological damage can be enormous.
I do agree that this behaviour is unacceptable, I just don't think it's helpful for us to blame the OP, who is clearly upset already.

Murane · 14/05/2018 04:49

Your DH obviously isn't coping well with the broken sleep. Sleep deprivation can have serious effects and makes people do things they wouldn't do otherwise. It also sounds like you're not doing your share of the wake-ups and I'm surprised he isn't angry with you. Take turns at being on duty, let your DH sleep in another room while you're on duty so he won't hear the baby. When he's less tired see if his behaviour improves.