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AIBU?

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Original poster

To hate the way DH talks to the baby

293 replies

Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 02:37

I fully understand the frustration of getting up multiple times at night with a crying baby, DD (13 m/o) is going through a real rough patch ATM. She's had multiple infections and teeth are coming through plus the novelty of being able to stand in the cot has her sleep all out of alignment.

DH usually wakes up to deal with her because I don't always hear her straight away but I do often come round to hearing him over the monitor calling her a stupid baby and telling her to go to f-ing sleep etc whilst she screams her head off.

I've had several conversations with him about it and that she will start to understand what he is saying very soon, what do you want your daughter to think about you/feel when she sees you etc. But nothing seems to be getting through to him. I try and take over when I hear him getting frustrated but he won't hand her over. Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

I'm really struggling because it has a massive effect on how I see him and our marriage (he feels I'm nagging at him as I keep talking about it, I feel upset and frustrated he keeps doing it). Any suggestions on how I can help?

OP posts:
bbqseason · 14/05/2018 08:39

you absolutely need to step in with these night wakings- he clearly can't cope. If he wakes before you then get him to wake you up to you can go to your baby. Or as someone else said move into your baby's room for a while? Either he is just exhausted and frustrated and needs your help, or he's struggling with his temper and you need to protect your baby from what might happen if he loses it.

Sassypants82 · 14/05/2018 08:40

Oh Op. I also have a 13 mth old daughter & this makes me so very sad. I feel sick Tbh.

bbqseason · 14/05/2018 08:42

Speakout oh it can make placid people
violent! There is clear guidance for sleep deprived parents to put the baby in a safe place and walk away if they can't get baby to stop crying and are feeling angry. Because sleep deprivation can cause you to do unimaginable things.

BELLAARA · 14/05/2018 08:42

Have PM'd you OP.

Sassypants82 · 14/05/2018 08:42

For context, we're into our lo around 4 times per night. I breastfeed her so it's more me but DH does his turn. I get sleep deprivation, but this isn't good. We all get frustrated but she's a little baby..

Loveatthefiveanddime · 14/05/2018 08:43

Good that he sees a problem though. But as pp said, St John's Wort is not enough and you need changes to the way you do things.

What else is his father like?

What would worry me is that his inability to control his anger is forcing behaviour changes in you, and I wonder what other adaptations you will have to make over the years to accommodate his outbursts.

NameChangeCuzImAHorriblePerson · 14/05/2018 08:45

Stop making excuses for him.

To the PP who asked if I've ever muttered swear words to my kids/at my kids in frustration - no I haven't. I have 9 month old twins so I have had more than my fair share of sleep deprivation, but I brought them into this world, they do not frustrate me, they aren't an inconvenience and no I don't swear at them/to them/whatever. Babies cry at night, everyone knows this. They can't help it and they don't deserve to be sworn at if they won't go back to sleep. They're my babies and I won't talk to them like shit!

Believeitornot · 14/05/2018 08:45

He wouldn’t act this way if there were other witnesses I bet - so he can control it. I wonder if he does this because he is trying to get you to step in.

If I were you, I’d ask him to wake you instead of going through to little one. Also take it in turns so each of you gets a decent chunk of sleep.

speakout · 14/05/2018 08:45

I wouldn't parent in a style that made me sleep deprived.

Perhaps if a baby is sick then a parent may be sleep deprived, but otherwise not something I would do.

Sounds horrible.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 14/05/2018 08:45

If he's shouting at the baby and hitting things that's not ok. Not at all.

What I don't understand is why you aren't getting involved. You don't do the night waking, despite working part time, despite hearing what's happening when dh does it, despite seeing that (assuming he's not usually like this) your dh its at breaking point and your child is suffering.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, but you also need to look at your own, as you're making it sounds like your need for sleep is trumping all else - sorry.

HoldingTheLineWinston · 14/05/2018 08:46

I don't imagine being sleep deprived is much fun, but won't make a placid person violent

Yes, that would be why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. "rolls eyes". I think you need to be quiet, you have no idea what you are talking about.

biscuitraider · 14/05/2018 08:50

Please don't ever leave him alone with the baby. I actually think the baby is at risk from harm.

Luisa27 · 14/05/2018 08:52

I have been/still am a sleep deprived parent.
This is truly awful OP - your DHs reaction to the baby is very very concerning.
May I ask why you don’t share the (night time waking) load with DH more equally? Do you get up with her at all - or do you just ‘not hear’ her? I’m sorry but you ‘not hearing her’ and ‘not wakening up’ is in my opinion , a little neglectful on your part. Especially as you’re so worried about DHs reaction when he does wake up and goes to her?
Is it possible for you to sleep with baby in the short term - while the poor little mite gets through this teething phase? Would you hear her if she was right next to you?
Is it possible for you and baby to stay with your family for a week or so and get some night time waking support from your parents/sister? It may help break this cycle - is DH usually like this with the baby - or is it out of character? Do you both work?

CaledonianQueen · 14/05/2018 08:53

If your DH is in the forces and has been deployed several times then he could be suffering from PTSD. PTSD can cause angry outbursts and problems sleeping due to flashbacks, so if he does have PTSD then he could be surviving on very little sleep before he has to get up with the baby. I think he needs to find support and you need to take over all nighttime awakenings.

Does your DH have outbursts during the day at all? I know my brother does, he gets very, very stressed and sometimes ends up watching movies at night to stop the flashbacks. He isn't in any of the forces (but witnessed something horrific whilst working), he was very resistant to seeking support but we are so glad he did go to the g.p, where they prescribed a medication that is used to treat PTSD. He felt so much better when he was on the meds.

I would definitely encourage him to seek support, does he have a counsellor that they can refer him to?

AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/05/2018 08:53

I wouldn’t generally bring things from one thread to another, but honestly, you need to stop TTC#2. The last thing you need right now is to be pregnant again.

speakout · 14/05/2018 08:56

Why should I be quiet. Sleep deprivation is mostly avoidable- and is down to parenting styles.

I wouldn't choose to go down that route.

Luisa27 · 14/05/2018 08:59

Many of us know from experience just how difficult and utterly soul destroying sleep deprivation can be - so I do empathise. But I really feel you need you step in here and manage this situation as it seems to have reached crisis point. I’m afraid for me, simply not wakening up and allowing my DH to behave like this with our baby wouldn’t be an option.

Original poster
Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 09:00

I know I need to do more, I have asked him to wake me, especially if he's getting overly frustrated . If I hear him over the monitor I am straight in there but he tells me to go back to bed (I generally stay in the room with him). As I said previously, I will do the night waking from now on and we will see how it goes from there. DH does leave her in the cot and leave the room but obviously not soon enough. He feels like he hasn't had time to relax by himself and is mentally and physically exhausted. I obviously don't want DD to bear the brunt of this. I can't really say more until I've had a proper conversation and we see how the next few nights go.

I don't really like his dad, he says some horrible things sometimes but he's good at playing the part of a calm rational human most times. I would almost go so far as to say FIL is controlling, especially of MIL, it's uncomfortable to watch.

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 14/05/2018 09:01

Sleep deprivation is mostly avoidable- and is down to parenting styles

This isn't fair at all. We all have our battles!
Sleep deprivation used to make me angry as I used to think I could control it. I relaxed a whole lot more once I realised it was normal for DS to need me in the night and that he would sleep through in his own time. I feel so much better for it. It's one thing to judge the OPs DH for shouting/swearing but don't attack their parenting style and blame them for their child not sleeping through. Some babies are good sleepers and others aren't.

OP, does your DH ever show remorse for his actions? Does he know he is in the wrong and seems to want to change?

YayImALlamaAgain · 14/05/2018 09:01

I wouldn't parent in a style that made me sleep deprived.

Yes, all sleep deprived parents absolutely made the choice the parent that way. Hmm

WhiteCoyote · 14/05/2018 09:01

Literally laughing my arse off at speakout who thinks sleep deprivation is avoidable. Oh shit, millions of parents worldwide do it for funsies!

Op, even in my very worst sleep deprived state (which clearly I could have avoided if I were a better parent with a better parenting style) the worst I did was put the baby down, walk out and scream FUCK into a pillow. Many times I sat there rocking him going “go the fuck to sleep”. The violence is 1000% not on. I wouldn’t be letting this man anywhere near my child.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2018 09:03

Putting the baby monitor next to you IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You will achieve nothing. Do you have a spare mattress? If not, mission today is to get one and make yourself a bed in the baby’s room. You are on duty from now on. This is the very least you can do for your child.

I wouldn’t parent in a style that made me sleep deprived.. Speakout: I agree with some of the stuff that you’ve said on this thread. But until you’re chronically ill and trying to bring up a child or the parent of a child/ baby, who never sleeps or sleeps in blocks of half an hour day and night or similar (ie tortured), you will never understand true sleep deprivation. Your comments about the plane are very naive. Do you want people laughing at you?

3stonedown · 14/05/2018 09:04

I would almost go so far as to say FIL is controlling, especially of MIL, it's uncomfortable to watch

In the gentlest possible way do you think others might see your relationship like that?

Sleep deprivation is torture but the way he is reacting his not normal, I would ensure he doesn't get up to her at all in the night as he can't be trusted (I would have personally left by now anyway)

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/05/2018 09:04

Poor poor baby in agony with her teeth and
suffering at the hands of her abusive father. I think the conversation ship has definitely sailed. You and your child need him out of your lives. That abuse could turn physical supposing he shakes her or something

Luisa27 · 14/05/2018 09:04

I agree wholeheartedly with CalQueen - sounds like your DH needs support.