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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the way DH talks to the baby

293 replies

Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 02:37

I fully understand the frustration of getting up multiple times at night with a crying baby, DD (13 m/o) is going through a real rough patch ATM. She's had multiple infections and teeth are coming through plus the novelty of being able to stand in the cot has her sleep all out of alignment.

DH usually wakes up to deal with her because I don't always hear her straight away but I do often come round to hearing him over the monitor calling her a stupid baby and telling her to go to f-ing sleep etc whilst she screams her head off.

I've had several conversations with him about it and that she will start to understand what he is saying very soon, what do you want your daughter to think about you/feel when she sees you etc. But nothing seems to be getting through to him. I try and take over when I hear him getting frustrated but he won't hand her over. Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

I'm really struggling because it has a massive effect on how I see him and our marriage (he feels I'm nagging at him as I keep talking about it, I feel upset and frustrated he keeps doing it). Any suggestions on how I can help?

OP posts:
speakout · 14/05/2018 07:46

So no one here has ever groaned "for fucks sake" when they hear the baby start to cry for the second/third/fourth or more time that night?

No never.,

LakieLady · 14/05/2018 07:46

Some very strong responses on here OP but, putting my professional head on, if a client disclosed such behaviour to me, I'd be talking to my manager who would make the decision as to whether a safeguarding alert should be raised with Children's Services.

And I'm sure her decision would be to do it.

thegreylady · 14/05/2018 07:53

He has to wake you so you can go to the baby. I’ve never known a woman who doesn’t wake at once when her baby cries. Yes he should do his share but not at the expense of his child’s safety and well-being.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/05/2018 07:54

So no one here has ever groaned "for fucks sake" when they hear the baby start to cry for the second/third/fourth or more time that night? No one here has ever paced the floor with a fractious baby and muttered "go the fuck to sleep" or "please just fucking sleep"? No one here has ever sighed in frustration and uttered "I'm so fucking tired!"?

That isn't the same as calling your child stupid and swearing at the child and then hitting the cot.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 14/05/2018 07:55

OP only you can know if this is the frustration of a sleep-deprived parent or an abusive situation that needs to be sorted.

The fact that you’re here on Mumsnet asking advice suggests the latter.

The fact that he refuses to hand the baby back to you in order to get the sleep he needs also suggests the latter.

He needs to stop or you need to leave. In the interim you need to sleep with your baby.

MiniCooperLover · 14/05/2018 07:58

OP, if anything I would say you don't seem worried enough about this !!! It doesn't matter that he only gets frustrated or hits her cot after a few wake ups, it's the fact he's doing it at all !!!

speakout · 14/05/2018 08:06

I have never been a sleep deprived parent- sometimes I have been sleep deprived as a result of a long haul flight, but that did not make me angry.

WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0 · 14/05/2018 08:09

My biggest concern here is That he is not recognising or admitting that there is anything wrong with his behaviour

Refusing to hand her over and brushing off your concerns as nagging is not ok

I have a non sleeper. Many times over the past 3 years I’ve reached breaking point through exhaustion. That’s the moment that I leave the room and get dh to take over.

Maybe try changing the conversation to discuss that we all have a breaking point and that’s ok, but he needs to recognise it and know when to walk away. So you are not criticising him having a breaking point, you will provide the back up he needs as long he communicates with you

Haffiana · 14/05/2018 08:10

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BenjaminaBlue · 14/05/2018 08:13

Gosh OP this sounds awful. I don't have any children yet but so have a SD and can't imagine DP spoke to her like this when she was little.

I understand entirely someone losing their rag once and shouting, taking themselves away from the situation and feeling very guilty either. Hitting the cot however is not ok, not even once. It's quite a scary thought and is indicative of a volatile person.

Have you thought about sharing the load? It doesn't seem fair that he's doing it all simply because you don't wake up. If he's awake, surely you could come to an agreement that he wakes you and you go when it's your turn?

Hard to comment accurately when we know so little about your DP.

LittleBirdBlues · 14/05/2018 08:14

As an immediate course of action you need to take over the night time wakings. Thus is dangerous and if he snaps just once and shakes her or shakes the cot too violent when she's in it, it could hurt her.

On a different note, behaviour like this could be caused by extreme sleep deprivation. Does he work while you are home with the baby? In that case it isn't fair that he's doing all the night shifts. If you don't hear her when she cries, ask him to wake you up so you can go to her.

This isn't an excuse for behaving aggressive towards your Dd, but if he's the only one up and in charge all night every night it can really mess with your head. And if you're only offering theoretical advice without chipping in enough, I can understand why he would be pissed off with you too.

Beetlewing · 14/05/2018 08:17

Apart from the fact that this is horrible no loving behaviour, it's probably self defeating. Without sounding too woo, his negative attitude won't be helping your baby calm down

sallievp · 14/05/2018 08:18

Get rid of him. Put your daughter first. She is tiny and helpless and needs your protection.
He sounds absolutely disgusting.

RoadToRivendell · 14/05/2018 08:19

He has to wake you so you can go to the baby. I’ve never known a woman who doesn’t wake at once when her baby cries. Yes he should do his share but not at the expense of his child’s safety and well-being.

I have to admit I did find it strange that you don't wake when your baby is crying.

Queenofthestress · 14/05/2018 08:19

2 kids under 5 here, both non sleepers. I've not slept a full night in 3 years. I've never swore at them, hit things or refused to hand them over to my dp when I'm at my breaking point. A normal parent thinks fuck I'm too tired for this, and gets help. A verbally abusive parent screams, shouts, and swears at the baby. A parent who can't control their temper hits things around the baby. Social services would take a very very dim view of this if it was reported, and they'd take a very dim view of you too for knowing about it. I should know, that's what they told me last May when I split up with ex-dp for screaming, swearing and shouting all the time at the kids. Especially at the 4 week old baby in his arms.

thenorthernluce · 14/05/2018 08:24

I can’t believe a PP has compared baby-induced sleep deprivation with JET LAG!! You have no clue, truly. I’m agog.

Sorry, back to the discussion all...

pinkhorse · 14/05/2018 08:26

Does he ever get a night of rest op where you do all the night waking? Sounds like he's shattered

Original poster
Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 08:31

I also work and have a very demanding job so although I'm part time I'm working in the evenings and weekends at home. He has more relaxing hours at the moment but works five days a week (he's in the military so goes on deployments where I do everything obviously so he feels he's making up for that).
He does acknowledge he has a problem and has tried to seek help from his MO but was brushed off. He takes st John's wort but has forgotten the past few days... Which really annoys me, I'm going to set an alarm on his phone or something. Apparently his father has a similar issue and when he is having an outburst he does sound just like his father.
I had a quick chat this morning about taking over the night time stuff and making sure he takes the tablets. I will have a longer discussion later.
He is never like this with her during the day, it is only at night.

OP posts:
LoveProsecco · 14/05/2018 08:32

OP stop making excuses for him, this is unacceptable and abusive.

Put your DD first and kick this man out

ethelfleda · 14/05/2018 08:34

I have never been a sleep deprived parent- sometimes I have been sleep deprived as a result of a long haul flight, but that did not make me angry

Sleep deprivation as a parent is very different- mainly just because it's usually more than one night - it has a cumulative effect - the longer it goes on the worse it gets. Plus, you're seeing to a baby... not watching the latest blockbusters with a gin and tonic Smile

Stephiewoo · 14/05/2018 08:34

What a knob! Knock him out and kick him out!

Original poster
Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 08:36

He does get a night of rest but if I've woken up generally he's woken up too. We also do alternate lie ins on the weekend but he's one of those people where if he's woken up in the morning then he's up for the day.
I think he is shattered, he is almost looking forward to his next deployment so he can get some sleep. It is obviously partly my failing for not getting up as much, the baby monitor has been relocated to my side of the bed.

OP posts:
CurlyWurlyTwirly · 14/05/2018 08:36

I think he needs to be on something stronger than St. John’s wort.
Can he not go and see a civilian gp.
You need to sleep in your baby’s room so that you hear her first

ethelfleda · 14/05/2018 08:37

But I have to agree I wouldn't stand for anyone talking to my baby like this. She doesn't understand that her father is tired - she calls out because she needs comfort and reassurance of her parents. She is still so young! Even leaving her to cry would be kinder than this!
Trust me - my mother verbally abused us when we were little and it never left me. Has caused all sorts of anxiety and confidence issues. Please stop him doing this.

speakout · 14/05/2018 08:38

ethelfleda Just because I have never been a sleep deprived parent does not mean my view is not valid.

I don't imagine being sleep deprived is much fun, but won't make a placid person violent.