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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the way DH talks to the baby

293 replies

Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 02:37

I fully understand the frustration of getting up multiple times at night with a crying baby, DD (13 m/o) is going through a real rough patch ATM. She's had multiple infections and teeth are coming through plus the novelty of being able to stand in the cot has her sleep all out of alignment.

DH usually wakes up to deal with her because I don't always hear her straight away but I do often come round to hearing him over the monitor calling her a stupid baby and telling her to go to f-ing sleep etc whilst she screams her head off.

I've had several conversations with him about it and that she will start to understand what he is saying very soon, what do you want your daughter to think about you/feel when she sees you etc. But nothing seems to be getting through to him. I try and take over when I hear him getting frustrated but he won't hand her over. Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

I'm really struggling because it has a massive effect on how I see him and our marriage (he feels I'm nagging at him as I keep talking about it, I feel upset and frustrated he keeps doing it). Any suggestions on how I can help?

OP posts:
Neverender · 17/05/2018 18:29

I wouldn't parent in a style that made me sleep deprived.

That's. Fucking. Hilarious. 🤣

CaptainBrickbeard · 17/05/2018 18:57

Lorelai your post really chimed with me. I wish I’d sought some help.

speakout how the fucking fuck does polyphasic sleep work when you have an older child and a job as well as a non sleeping baby??? I’ll tell you, it doesn’t. I am desperately protective of my sleep and the sleep deprivation I suffered for years took a toll on my mental and physical health I would not have wished on anybody except perhaps anyone who says that it’s a fucking parenting choice!

OP, hitting the cot is worrying, really worrying. You need to sleep in with the baby while he gets some help.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 18/05/2018 14:45

@MNHQ why was my post removed?

TooGood2BeFalse · 18/05/2018 15:23

@sherazade are u ok? Does your DC literally never sleep?Flowers

sherazade · 18/05/2018 16:14

Don't want to derail from the op but thanks for all the messages of concern . My gps tend to smirk and say I've made a rod for my own back based on my 'parenting style'. I know it's nothing to do with parenting style. My other children had brilliant routines and slept well . Whenever they had a wobble I was able to gently steer them back to good sleeping habits .I know it's not me but cba being on the end of my doctors judging and sneering anymore .

viques · 18/05/2018 16:21

Wow, haven't read the whole thread, but the thought of him swearing at the baby and hitting the cot makes my blood run cold. That's what he does when he knows you are there, what goes on if you aren't there?

TooManyPaws · 18/05/2018 17:06

Biphasic sleeping doesn't stop you being sleep deprived either. My parents were living in a country where that was normal during the summer period, and they were still driven to the very edge of sanity by my brother screaming just about 24/7 with infantile eczema. My father said that it was horrific, coming home from work to take turns in walking the floor with him as it was only way to soothe him. Dad went through the Battle of the Atlantic and the Arctic Convoys on watches of 4 on, 4 off, and said that my brother's infancy was the worst time of sleep deprivation he'd ever had. Even with Mum not working and being in a country where a nanny was standard as well. He did say that he was never tempted to hit or shake the baby though as he was just a baby in pain - and I'm fairly convinced that he had PTSD from symptoms in later life.

But of course Speakoutwould have that they chose this as a style of parenting. 😵🤬

Naturally, when I came along as the baby who slept like a log and never moved, this terrified them, never hearing a sound from me! 😂

MintChocChip04 · 19/05/2018 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MintChocChip04 · 19/05/2018 00:22

As far as St Johns wart, it is bunk herbs and doesn't work. Best he sees a GP and get on some real antidepressants while he gets therapy.

minifingerz · 19/05/2018 00:59

“As far as St Johns wart, it is bunk herbs and doesn't work.“

Actually there is good quality evidence that st Johns wort can be helpful for depression.

www.nhs.uk/news/2008/10October/Pages/StJohn'swortanddepression.aspx

“This systematic review and meta-analysis is the most reliable evidence of the effects of St. John’s wort for major depression to date. The findings – that it is more effective than placebo and the same as standard antidepressants (albeit safer) - apply mainly to people with mild to moderate depression”

There are issues re: dosage and interactions with other drugs, but it shouldn’t be written off as useless when it may not be.

mathanxiety · 19/05/2018 01:04

Posts that quote a post that was deleted usually get deleted too afaik, QuackPorridgeBacon. (Even if they are disagreeing with what was posted.)

Jamiem80 · 19/05/2018 01:18

You really do need to think about your relationship with him. The only things i can say in his defence is could he be sleep deprived, you say you don't wake up with the crying, how often is this happening and how long has it been going on. He may need post natal counselling it is a problem for men. The real question must be does this seem out of character or has he always had this edge?

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/05/2018 01:27

This is bloody horrendous OP. Sleep deprivation is no excuse for this sort of behaviour. Im exhausted, have today been told i am severely anaemic and have an underactive thyroid, my toddler has been awake 5 times so far as he is poorly and the baby once so far. Im a single mum. Im not perfect but at no point have i shouted at either of them . What a conplete arsehole he is . I would leave him.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 19/05/2018 18:48

Nottalotta You do realise everyone is different right?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 19/05/2018 19:08

mathanxiety Ahh I see. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t remember exactly what I had posted but that could explain it. Blush

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/05/2018 19:40

Yes everyone is different. There is no excuse for this behaviour on a regular basis. It doesn't sound like it's a one off that he's sorry about.

WhoAteAllthePercyPigs · 19/05/2018 20:00

Not read the full thread but @speakout...I'm assuming you're deliberately being a GF? If not, please do share with us your further thoughts on 'parenting styles'. Because obviously, the reason both my DC are poor sleepers is down to me playing rock music all night and shining bright lights into their eyes Hmm

Also, when people talk about extreme sleep deprivation there's a big difference between a few nights here and there where baby keeps you awake...and being kept awake. Every. Single. Night. No break at all. And only you can offer comfort because you were daft enough to choose a 'parenting style' that involves breastfeeding. So think twice before you hoik your judgy pants up and wade in to comment.

Jetlag. FFS.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 19/05/2018 20:04

Nottalotta Maybe he shouldn’t have to be the only one to get up on a regular basis then?

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/05/2018 20:51

Are you excusing his behaviour quack? There are loads of single parents who are the only one to get up. Loads of parents with useless partners. Still doesn't excuse it imo. Op said she offers to take over and he refuses.

ferntwist · 19/05/2018 21:31

This would terrify me. The fact he’s hitting her cot is extremely worrying. I don’t think he should be living in the same house as you while he’s behaving like this. Sorry

Twillow · 19/05/2018 21:41

Very worrying indeed, and babies of any age understand tone of voice and facial expression, never mind whether she knows its swearing or not.. Maybe she is crying from anxiety??

QuackPorridgeBacon · 19/05/2018 21:55

Nottalotta I’ve also refused, I’m not violent though. I’m not condoning his actions but he needs help not condemned. If a woman was on asking for help she would get it and I’ve seen on here before the help she would get. The op needs to find a way to wake up so she can take over a few days and let him rest.

Whyohwhy65 · 19/05/2018 22:03

Ss don't take children away because you swear if that were true no one would have children in their care

Spamalotta · 19/05/2018 22:09

How do you know he isn't hurting her OP? You wake up to her screaming and you know that he hits her cot (and has done more than once). Can you be certain he isn't hurting her?
I feel so desperately sad for that little baby. My children have never known that fear and as long as I have breath in my body, they never will.

Spamalotta · 19/05/2018 22:10

Actually why some of us would.