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Original poster

To hate the way DH talks to the baby

293 replies

Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 02:37

I fully understand the frustration of getting up multiple times at night with a crying baby, DD (13 m/o) is going through a real rough patch ATM. She's had multiple infections and teeth are coming through plus the novelty of being able to stand in the cot has her sleep all out of alignment.

DH usually wakes up to deal with her because I don't always hear her straight away but I do often come round to hearing him over the monitor calling her a stupid baby and telling her to go to f-ing sleep etc whilst she screams her head off.

I've had several conversations with him about it and that she will start to understand what he is saying very soon, what do you want your daughter to think about you/feel when she sees you etc. But nothing seems to be getting through to him. I try and take over when I hear him getting frustrated but he won't hand her over. Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

I'm really struggling because it has a massive effect on how I see him and our marriage (he feels I'm nagging at him as I keep talking about it, I feel upset and frustrated he keeps doing it). Any suggestions on how I can help?

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 14/05/2018 04:51

I don't care how sleep deprived someone is, there's no justification for taking it out on an innocent baby.

mathanxiety · 14/05/2018 05:17

Sadie - it may sound harsh, but if SS were to hear of this situation they would offer the OP a stark choice.

The OP can only change her own role in this. She can start sleeping in the baby's room. She can take on the night waking herself.

Or she can take herself and the baby off to the home of friends or family. This is hard with all the baby paraphernalia.

She might be able to persuade her H to leave, to go to anger management classes, to stay in a hotel or with friends or family for a while. I doubt he would do that. His refusal to give the OP the baby when she has tried to intervene says to me that he has a narrative in his head where no baby is going to defeat him, to get the better of him, and that he will impose his will on this tiny being and will brook no interference. There is a huge amount of anger and frustration on his part and he has already crossed many lines.

But the bottom line is that this will escalate, and the OP is the only one who can put a stop to it.

NotAgainYoda · 14/05/2018 05:38

I agree with everyone else. This is very very worrying.

The fact that he's doing this repeatedly, has no ability to reflect upon his behaviour, no remorse, and turns this back on to you are all signs that he will continue to behave like this towards his child when that child does not do what he wants. And there a risk of it escalating into violence. Even if that were not to happen, his words and his tone and the emotional atmosphere is already affecting her (and you)

NotAgainYoda · 14/05/2018 05:41

Sleep deprivation is indeed an absolute bugger. If he is at the end of his tether then a reasonable person would admit they aren't coping, ask for help and feel bloody awful about what they'd done.

There's something about this man that won't allow him to do this and it's probably something you've seen signs of before, OP

edwinbear · 14/05/2018 05:59

OP this is not acceptable behaviour from your DH. But you sound like you’re not doing your fair share of getting up in the night. Your DH must be exhausted if it’s always him getting up in the night.

Fuglywitch · 14/05/2018 05:59

What on earth are you still doing with him? Babies understand your tone of voice from birth. No wonder the poor mite is screaming. Shes terrified. First the cot gets hit and next will be her. This is child abuse pure and simple. Poor poor baby.

Fuglywitch · 14/05/2018 06:05

If you cannot leave,move into her room and don't let him near her until he's left. No way would I let my husband act like this towards my kids. Poor baby needs her mummy to stand up for her.

Shoxfordian · 14/05/2018 06:12

Is he usually angry towards you like this as well? It's not acceptable at all.

Jackyjill6 · 14/05/2018 06:14

How is he in the day time with her OP?

As PPs have said, sleep deprivation and exhaustion does cause people do behave in a way they wouldn't normally.
Is this out of character for him?
I don't agree with people here just slagging him off without context, if it was a woman with PND they would have more understanding.
Absolutely you need to protect your baby though.

SharronNeedles · 14/05/2018 06:21

He needs help. People often forget that men also have their own demons to deal with. If he is sleep deprived and struggling to cope, you need to help him.
My DH was diagnosed with depression and I know it started after DS was born. It's was the financial strain, lack of sleep, dealing with my PND etc. He never complained, but months later he told me how he had genuinely considered suicide as a solution. I realised I hadn't thought about the impact it was all having on his mental health and he struggled on for ages without saying anything and I didn't notice.

Please don't just leave this man, he sounds like he is really struggling ATM and he needs help.

IdentifiesAsMiddleAged · 14/05/2018 06:25

Jacky

That's a dangerous way to think. We are slagging off his behaviour. His unacceptable behaviour. And people would be just as worried about a woman who behaved like this.

Charley50 · 14/05/2018 06:32

I couldn't stay with a man like this. Babies need gentleness. Everyone gets frustrated with babies sometimes but he's volatile and must be scaring the baby. I would get him away from her.

IdentifiesAsMiddleAged · 14/05/2018 06:34

Sharron
I absolutely accept men suffer from depression after the birth of a baby and may find it hard to talk about it

But, unless your DH shouted and swore at his baby, hit the cot and then refused to talk about it afterwards (and in fact claimed you were nagging him) then this is not a comparable situation.

trojanpony · 14/05/2018 06:35

mathanxiety makes an excellent point
This man sounds abusive and this will escalate. You should leave because he is not going to change because he thinks he is right and the baby is is trying to “beat him”
Think about what “him imposing his will” looks like with a tired and cranky 3 year old... this will only end one way

His refusal to give the OP the baby when she has tried to intervene says to me that he has a narrative in his head where no baby is going to defeat him, to get the better of him, and that he will impose his will on this tiny being and will brook no interference. There is a huge amount of anger and frustration on his part and he has already crossed many lines.

Fuglywitch · 14/05/2018 06:37

I'm not being funny but social services would see it as child abuse and the mother as complicit. They would either insist the husband is removed or mother and child move. Why should the poor baby be damaged plus the risk of physical violence,while her father works thro his issues? There is a difference between a man with pnd or wanting help and one who is now on a slippy slope of anger etc. Sleep deprevation is no excuse for violence. Baby has been very ill too and should and deserves lots of comfort and loving words,not violence and threat.

higherupper · 14/05/2018 06:37

Woah no no no! I missed the part where you said he hits the cot in frustration!
This is not acceptable.

MotherforkingShirtballs · 14/05/2018 06:39

Is he shouting or speaking and is he being aggressive when he does it? What are his exact words? I've been known to mutter to DD that she's being silly and to please go the fuck to sleep, I have also been known to flippantly say to DH that I'm going to put her in the shed for the rest of the night. It's tiredness and frustration, it doesn't mean I'm planning to hurt DD or that she actually will be going in the shed.

Do you see him hit the cot in frustration or do you only hear it? Our cot can be really noisy if knocked or bumped into or if DD rolls over and hits the side, especially in the middle of the night when there are few other background noises so the sudden, sharp bang seems much more sudden and sharp. Could he have collided with the side of the cot in the dark? Could DD, new to standing up you say, have fallen over and thumped the side or rolled over and bumped into it? Are you certain he is hitting it?

What is he like the rest of the time? With her and with you.

There's not enough information in your OP to write him off as abusive or say you should leave him so I'm a bit Hmm at some of the people leaping to the conclusion that this is the first step on the path to your DD being hurt. There's no way possible way to know that with the scant information available.

You need to speak to him during daylight hours and ask him for his side of what you've been hearing then tell him your side of it and that his behaviour is upsetting you. You know him better than any of us and you know whether this behaviour is out of character or is part of an overall bigger picture, you're also best placed to know whether he will listen to what you're saying and attempt to change or not.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/05/2018 06:39

His response is wholly inappropriate.repeatedly physically and verbally agitated toward a baby
I get that tiredness etc makes folk snap,and be uncharacteristically abrupt
This isn’t the case. He’s routinely aggressive to his baby which is a worry

NameChangeCuzImAHorriblePerson · 14/05/2018 06:40

He sounds like an ASSHOLE.

Twoo · 14/05/2018 06:41

You are either exaggerating or being vvv naive !

If true, totally 100% not acceptable. If he harms the baby you will also be liable for failure to protect!

Jackyjill6 · 14/05/2018 06:41

IdentifiesAsMiddleAged
Can you tell me where I have said in my post that the behaviour is acceptable?

Whatevszz · 14/05/2018 06:43

So sad reading this, poor baby Sad

HollowTalk · 14/05/2018 06:43

Reported.

speakout · 14/05/2018 06:45

OP if I knew where you lived I would report both of you to social services.
He is being abusive and you are neglecting your child.

Your baby would be removed from both of you and placed in a much better situation.
Your OH is a disgrace but you are no better for allowing this to happen.
Neither of you deserve this child.

EdWinchester · 14/05/2018 06:45

This needs to stop immediately.

Please put your daughter first.