To hate the way DH talks to the baby

[Keeyaw]

I fully understand the frustration of getting up multiple times at night with a crying baby, DD (13 m/o) is going through a real rough patch ATM. She's had multiple infections and teeth are coming through plus the novelty of being able to stand in the cot has her sleep all out of alignment.

DH usually wakes up to deal with her because I don't always hear her straight away but I do often come round to hearing him over the monitor calling her a stupid baby and telling her to go to f-ing sleep etc whilst she screams her head off.

I've had several conversations with him about it and that she will start to understand what he is saying very soon, what do you want your daughter to think about you/feel when she sees you etc. But nothing seems to be getting through to him. I try and take over when I hear him getting frustrated but he won't hand her over. Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

I'm really struggling because it has a massive effect on how I see him and our marriage (he feels I'm nagging at him as I keep talking about it, I feel upset and frustrated he keeps doing it). Any suggestions on how I can help?

Why are people so convinced he is hitting and torturing the child? Why aren’t more people baffled as to why the op is happy to lay there and do nothing?

I think people are expressing both questions.

It wouldn't be unusual at all for someone capable of shouting at a baby and hitting a crib to hit the baby, pinch her, pull hair, make a terrifying face, inflict some sort of pain.

The OP comes across as quite numb about it all. About the baby crying. About the H's intervention... The fact that a question here on MN was necessary in the first place is puzzling imo.

Your poor little girl, she is being terrified by this bastard. Get her OUT of that situation

Quack I certainly think op should be dealing with the baby herself, ideally a shared load but in this situation I wouldn't want him near the baby.

Oh OP. I have a baby the same age who has never, ever slept. Our record best night was only four wakings. Sometimes it’s over ten. My husband will often be gone for training etc (military veteran, reserves now) and I feel somewhat jealous because he got five uninterrupted hours of sleep! When he’s home he likes to get up with the children as much as he can at night because he wants to do his fair share. I say that to say, I empathize and am in a not dissimilar position currently.

DC has driven me to tears many times with the constant waking. I’ve had to walk out of the room and scream into my pillow. I’ve never, even with older children who have gone through the difficult toddler years, felt the sort of frustration that I feel when he wakes for the 4/5/7th time. Usually just as I drift back off to sleep! But here’s the thing: your baby may not know the words but she knows that her father is angry with her and has no idea why. There’s no way her sleep habits are going to improve if this continues. I FULLY understand him being shattered with exhaustion and perhaps dealing with extra stress due to his job but you simply cannot allow this to happen. For his mental health and for her mental and physical wellbeing. Get up yourself with her and get him to a GP, a civilian one if necessary. If he insists on doing night wakings with her and continues to behave in this way, leave. Your precious baby depends on you. If he doesn’t recognize that this is a problem, a serious one, and seek full help for it, please don’t allow your baby to continue to live like this.

@Mint As a veteran’s wife I have a lot of things I would like to say to you but I’ll leave it at this: I’m sorry for whatever life experiences have made you so bitter and paranoid.

Mints been deleted twice now scanning up the thread user so looks like mnhq agree with you. Not sure why they keep reposting the same message, mn will just ban when they get pissed off.

The OP hasn't updated in a while but hopefully she will be back and will have taken steps to improve the situation or remove herself from it. Sleep deprivation is a killer, if only babies came with how to manuals and babble translation.

user1471451355 What did I say that is wrong or untrue? Your very tone indicates you are quite hostile, perhaps inadvertently proving my point.

Usernameunknown2 I said nothing wrong at all in my post, simply my truth, my experiences, and my opinion. I have not attacked anyone or said anything vile. Nor have I sworn, or been trolling. My post was deleted purely because a troll is making false reports (I think I know who it is). People can and do vexatiously get posts deleted. It doesn't mean HQ agree or disagree. I could understand if I smeared someone, attacked someone, used vile language, made abhorrent statements etc. I did nothing at all of the sort, my post is very benign. One shouldn't report posts just because one disagrees with it. As I said, I said nothing at all that would merit my post being removed.

Sure, that’s why MNHQ deleted it twice, just because someone told them to, nothing at all to do with the content

It was offensive.

Again, MNHQ do delete posts that are not offensive. I've seen it before.

Just what did I say that was offensive? Please tell me?

So you can't tell me. You found nothing offensive then about my post. That's good.

In defence of MintChocChip04, they were just posting opinions, they may be unpopular opinions, but they are just that and this is a forum for that. S/he isn’t inciting people to commit hate crimes against military personnel.

My dh and I have both had moments of 'I can't take it anymore' during successive bad nights. We've taken over when the other is at breaking point. My husband particularly gets frustrated and starts to let his feeling known to our dc. He then feels hugely guilty and would never call her stupid etc in earshot but does sometimes shout 'just go to sleep' etc. which he knows is wrong and is very rare. It's the fact that your dh is doing it quite often and after you've asked him not to. He should be recognising when he needs help and letting you help him. The hitting the cot thing is a bit scary. Parenting is really hard at times! I think he should try and speak to his commanding officer (or whoever in the army is the right person) to ask for help.

Sorry to interrupt the thread, but just to say that when posts are reported to us, we take it on a case-by-case basis and delete if we feel the post isn't in the spirit of Mumsnet or otherwise breaches guidelines.

If a post has been deleted, it's a good indication that we've decided it does breach guidelines. If you ever have any questions about our moderation, please don't hesitate to get in touch [email protected] and we will always be happy to discuss.

Mint i suspect that given some mothers here and on other threads have lost their tempers sworn or acted angrily during the throes of sleep deprivation, that your post was probably seen as something that could upset them.

As someone who had PND i certainly shouted at my baby, which triggered me to get help. I didn't didn't see your posts
As offensive just unhelpful to the OP and potentially to struggling mums. Maube thats why the delete?

Obviously mnhq see it unhelpful enough to delete it 3 times now. Probably best to ask them.

MintChocChip04 I’m guessingyou posted the same comment again. I reported the second one. I reported it because you are trying to make out that anyone in the military is violent and a danger around children. That is a disgusting attitude to have and it’s vile. You keep insisting he is going to torture the child and slap them and that’s why he doesn’t want to hand the child over. You do not know this man and you know nothing about him. You seem bitter and paranoid and I think you need help. The way you are acting isn’t normal. You’re posts are offensive because of the reasons I have outlined. I suspect my post will be deleted as it references some points in your deleted ones but I hope you see this first and get yourself some much needed help.