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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the way DH talks to the baby

293 replies

Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 02:37

I fully understand the frustration of getting up multiple times at night with a crying baby, DD (13 m/o) is going through a real rough patch ATM. She's had multiple infections and teeth are coming through plus the novelty of being able to stand in the cot has her sleep all out of alignment.

DH usually wakes up to deal with her because I don't always hear her straight away but I do often come round to hearing him over the monitor calling her a stupid baby and telling her to go to f-ing sleep etc whilst she screams her head off.

I've had several conversations with him about it and that she will start to understand what he is saying very soon, what do you want your daughter to think about you/feel when she sees you etc. But nothing seems to be getting through to him. I try and take over when I hear him getting frustrated but he won't hand her over. Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

I'm really struggling because it has a massive effect on how I see him and our marriage (he feels I'm nagging at him as I keep talking about it, I feel upset and frustrated he keeps doing it). Any suggestions on how I can help?

OP posts:
TuTru · 14/05/2018 07:14

I find this quite frightening...

Grandmaswagsbag · 14/05/2018 07:15

He’d be out. At 13 months of course she can understand him, or certainly understand anger and feel fear. The fact he won’t hand her over to you seriously worries me as he’s not even just throwing a tantrum to get you to come and deal with the situation, then wanting to bugger off back to bed (not that that would be acceptable either ) It’s about fear and control. Getting up in the night with kids is hard, but funnily enough most parents manage without swearing at and abusing their children when they are ill/most vulnerable/scared. What’s he like at other times?

SecretStash · 14/05/2018 07:16

@SpeakOut yes dear. And so do all the other thousands of sleep deprived mothers on Mumsnet, that aren’t posting right now due to the HTTC. (Holy Than Thou Club).

speakout · 14/05/2018 07:18

SecretStash I am not your dear.

Sleep deprived or not there is no excuse for abuse.

You seem to think there is.

Ickyockycocky · 14/05/2018 07:19

If he’s behaving like this now, how will he cope with tantrums, throwing toys, screaming, biting, refusing to eat, hitting other children, answering back, bed wetting.......

Costacoffeeplease · 14/05/2018 07:20

But you’ve spoken to him before, what do you think you can say that will make a difference this time?

Allthewaves · 14/05/2018 07:20

Are you both working ft op? It's not acceptable but it's also not acceptable if he's doing all the night waking. I'd start by making sure he's getting a night of unbroken sleep in these bad periods and having another talk about his language.

SecretStash · 14/05/2018 07:20

@speakout, unhoik your knickers sweet cheeks.
Do you really think my baby could understand whether I was singing swear words or the words to ‘hush little baby’ or such like? No he could understand neither.
Do you know what he did understand? He understood that I was there, he felt my warmth, he felt my arms around him and he heard my voice. This was the comfor he needed to sleep.
Abuse? Shall I sing fuck off to you as well?

Perfectway · 14/05/2018 07:22

Really awful. If he is like this when he knows you can hear him I would be very worried about what he is like with her when he is on his own.

More concerning in a way is that he does not seem to acknowledge that he has done anything wrong or have any shame or remorse.

He must be an angry man generally. I don’t believe this is just struggling with the baby crying.

ChasedByBees · 14/05/2018 07:22

Speak with your health visitor about this OP, if your DH isn’t listening to you then he needs outside people telling him this isn’t acceptable. It really really isn’t. She will understand already and is subject to his physical aggression already.

speakout · 14/05/2018 07:23

SecretStash you sound a wonderful mother. Quite the role model.

Maybe write a book about your passive aggressive approach to parenting.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/05/2018 07:23

This is abuse OP. Plain and simple.
I get the issues around being shattered and frustrated when your baby wakes in the night and won't settle but there's no excuse for what he's doing and in your shoes I would be frightened that he might lose it with the baby in some way.

You need to think about where this could end and if you're going to stay with him you need to share getting up in the night with him.

MetalMidget · 14/05/2018 07:23

Keep a written record of his outbursts, and record/film them. Then leave, and use the evidence as why he can't have your daughter unsupervised.

He sounds fucking awful, and I fear for your daughter. She's probably waking up from stress and nightmares caused by the fact that someone who is supposed to love and care for her is having violent outbursts right next to her. There is no world where this is acceptable.

SecretStash · 14/05/2018 07:23

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Soundsgood · 14/05/2018 07:25

There is no point in talking to him about it AGAIN.

For how many years will you keep saying to your child when she's older "I know daddy keeps shouting at you I will talk to him"

LTB

00100001 · 14/05/2018 07:26

"My friend had her two children removed from the family for much less than the OP is describing, it took her two years to get them back."

Hmm

There would have been a lot more than that going on for SS to take the kids away. Either you're lying or the parent isnt telling you everything that went on in the house.

speakout · 14/05/2018 07:30

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Yogagirl123 · 14/05/2018 07:33

That’s not normal behaviour, however sleep deprived you are, it’s just not acceptable at all. Your baby must be terrified, OP, it certainly won’t help setting her. There is no way on this earth I would ever put up with such behaviour, swearing and being abusive to a baby? Seriously, how can that EVER be justified. I have had two children, DS2 was a terrible sleeper, so I know how hard it can be but my DH and I never ever got cross with him, he’s a baby, some people just do not deserve children and need to grow up and be responsible for the life they have created.

MotherforkingShirtballs · 14/05/2018 07:34

Sleep deprived or not there is no excuse for abuse.

This behaviour is not abuse based on the details provided. It's not being done to frighten or control, it's being said wearily by a sleep deprived parent. He needs help and he needs support, not castigation.

As for "oh yes, social services will be interested" - in the absence of any other worrying behaviours, telling your child to "go to fucking sleep" wouldn't even blip their radar.

MotherforkingShirtballs · 14/05/2018 07:39

So no one here has ever groaned "for fucks sake" when they hear the baby start to cry for the second/third/fourth or more time that night? No one here has ever paced the floor with a fractious baby and muttered "go the fuck to sleep" or "please just fucking sleep"? No one here has ever sighed in frustration and uttered "I'm so fucking tired!"?

Saying fuck in front of or in relation to your child does not automatically equal abuse, particularly in the absence of any other patterns of abusive behaviour, and crying "abuse!" at any sort of less than ideal parenting minimises actual abuse.

Booboobooboo84 · 14/05/2018 07:40

I’m currently in a women’s refuge and several of the other ladies are here because they were given a choice between their partner or their kids. And they’ve signed to say if they go back to their partner they understand they will lose their kids. So yes ss would get involved based on what ss have said re aggression, hitting crib and refusing to allow her to take over care.

Grandmaswagsbag · 14/05/2018 07:42

It's not being done to frighten or control,

On this occasion I disagree, why does he not hand her back when op arrives at the situation then. If his main motive was getting a much sleep as possible then he bugger off back to bed sharpish. And it will definitely frighten his child. Other pps make a good point, how can you trust him with her alone?

RoadToRivendell · 14/05/2018 07:42

OP only you can judge this situation. It's true that there is a current brand of humour where people swear good-naturedly at babies as SecretStash describes upthread a bit, e.g. "Go the Fuck to Sleep". Unfortunately, taken with the crib-hitting, it doesn't sound all that innocuous.

Good luck.

00100001 · 14/05/2018 07:43

Yes, SS would be involved, but they wouldn't remove the kids for 2 years for "less than the OP". There would have been more going on.

rollingonariver · 14/05/2018 07:44

I've seen so many threads on here where a woman is talking about getting frustrated and shouting at her children and it's fine?
Op I think you need to help more with night wakings, I'd be so so angry if my 13mo consistently woke up and I was doing it basically on my own. Obviously what he is doing is wrong and ignoring you about it is worse but there are things you can do between you which would help.