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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the way DH talks to the baby

293 replies

Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 02:37

I fully understand the frustration of getting up multiple times at night with a crying baby, DD (13 m/o) is going through a real rough patch ATM. She's had multiple infections and teeth are coming through plus the novelty of being able to stand in the cot has her sleep all out of alignment.

DH usually wakes up to deal with her because I don't always hear her straight away but I do often come round to hearing him over the monitor calling her a stupid baby and telling her to go to f-ing sleep etc whilst she screams her head off.

I've had several conversations with him about it and that she will start to understand what he is saying very soon, what do you want your daughter to think about you/feel when she sees you etc. But nothing seems to be getting through to him. I try and take over when I hear him getting frustrated but he won't hand her over. Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

I'm really struggling because it has a massive effect on how I see him and our marriage (he feels I'm nagging at him as I keep talking about it, I feel upset and frustrated he keeps doing it). Any suggestions on how I can help?

OP posts:
MotherforkingShirtballs · 14/05/2018 06:45

People who post "reported" and nothing else are like those annoyed kids in the school yard who run tittle tattling to the dinner ladies because someone breathed too closely to them "I'm telling!"

Either report and say nothing or report and explain why, don't be the whiny kid.

Just sayin'.... Wink

MaverickSnoopy · 14/05/2018 06:47

If he is different in the day time I can understand why you have felt up until now that you could give him chances and to discuss it with him. The trouble is though he's not taking on board what you're saying at all. You had hoped things would improve but they haven't and so now you don't know what to do. You know that it can't go on like this.

Not only will she understand him but she will be deeply effected by this if it carries on. 1) if it turns more physical and 2) on a mental basis. This is quite an extreme example but it makes the point. Do you remember hearing about the romanian orphans who were deeply neglected and exposed to verbal abuse? A few years ago their brain scans hit the papers - it turned out that they had less white brain matter (the bits for communication and mental wellbeing) because of everything they had been through. It is so absolutely important to protect babies from things that will seem scary to them. They have no way of protecting themselves at all. So when he goes in during the night and does this...it's like the equivalent of you being tied down and having someone come in and shout and scream at you and share the shit out of you. I imagine pretty terrifying. Just because she's his dad, doesn't mean she won't be scared. Worse still, what if one day she accepts this behaviour and marries someone who does it to her as an adult. What is this shouting in the night turns into physical abuse. You are her advocate and you must protect her.

We are saying the things we are saying, not because we are a bunch of overreacting hysterical mumsnetters, but because we are mothers and know what is and isn't right here. Talk to him in the day time. Is he remorseful at all? If not then he needs to leave. If he is then perhaps counselling/parenting classes? But in the interim you can't have him up in the night with her at all. It would take me a long time and a lot of evidence to trust that he was OK around her.

Curtainshopping · 14/05/2018 06:48

It’s all very well saying leave him or throw him out, but if they split up, won’t he have access and therefore have the baby on his own? Which could be even worse?

IdentifiesAsMiddleAged · 14/05/2018 06:49

Jacky

I am not really sure what it is you are saying, to be honest. My own view is that if behaviour is unacceptable towards a child then you have to be uncompromising in what you then do about that. Protect the child, then try and talk t the man about what led to that. Your post smacks of too much feeling sorry for the hsuband (and that's with no evidence with no evidence that he's shown any remorse or insight) and not enough doing what needs to be done to show you think the behaviour is unacceptable. This is what keeps women and children in unsafe situations

marmitecrumpets · 14/05/2018 06:50

I hope this isn't real.
Poor baby
You need to leave him. Your baby needs to come first

MotherforkingShirtballs · 14/05/2018 06:50

Your baby would be removed from both of you and placed in a much better situation.

Bullshit would Social Services remove the baby over this. Contrary to what some people on MN think, SS are not lurking in the background poised to swoop in and snatch away people's children at the slightest significant anything untoward. For one, they simply don't have the resources for it. For another, they would look at all of the facts first and not a single one us here (excluding the OP) has all of the facts in this case. And finally, even if they were interested in this case they would work with the family and work to help them, they wouldn't take the baby unless support and intervention measures had failed and there was no other option.

Some people are using huge speculation to fill in the many blanks in the opening post and leaping to ridiculous conclusions.

AskAuntLydia · 14/05/2018 06:51

Fucking throw him out.

He's abusing your baby and abusing you by dismissing your fears for the safety of your child as nagging.

It's disgusting.

Mrscaindingle · 14/05/2018 06:56

Sharronneedles people are well aware that men have their own demons, our over flowing prisons and high male suicide rates are testament to that.

However this man is taking out his demons on a helpless baby and then refusing to hand her over to her mother when she asks for her. That sounds like a controlling man (who may or may not be depressed) but one thing is clear op needs to protect her baby from him.

TooGood2BeFalse · 14/05/2018 06:56

You HEAR him hitting her cot?Why on earth are you not in there to see exactly what is happening?

PleaseAndThanks · 14/05/2018 06:57

People saying that we don’t have enough facts to say that she should leave/kick him out...

He’s repeatedly verbally abusing her and hitting the cot. No achknowledgement that this is wrong. OP NEEDS TO PROTECT THIS BABY. This is more than likely to escalate.

True, SS, probably wouldn’t be particularly interested at present, but that is a sign of the state of social services (not slagging them off- they are just massively under resourced). It is NOT a sign that this is acceptable behaviour.

Fuglywitch · 14/05/2018 06:59

Social services can and do ask tho for a violent husband to be removed and if you don't do that,you do lose your kids. My sister eventually lost her kids due to her partners drinking,agression and violence.She wouldn't put her kids first.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/05/2018 06:59

The sofa social workers need to pipe down making wild expansive made up predictions

MessyBun247 · 14/05/2018 07:01

Leave him. Really. And bring your babies cot into your room so you will hear her waking. She’s probably terrified.

speakout · 14/05/2018 07:01

MotherforkingShirtballs you are wrong. SS in our area are very swift to act in cases like this.
My friend had her two children removed from the family for much less than the OP is describing, it took her two years to get them back.
I don't know where you live MotherforkingShirtballs but in our area SS would take this very seriously.

Ickyockycocky · 14/05/2018 07:04

This is definitely a safeguarding issue, your DH is emotionally abusing your daughter. There’s no grey area here, it is abuse and you must act.

CaledonianQueen · 14/05/2018 07:06

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!

OP I can imagine that reading these replies is very upsetting. Please do read them though as it is so important.

Your post gave me chills, I have read about Fathers who are controlling, shout or scream at their babies, it doesn't end well. Take this example here

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3561830/Controlling-father-24-shook-difficult-eight-month-old-baby-son-death-force-high-speed-motorbike-crash.html

or this example below

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-derbyshire-29755824

You have the opportunity to prevent catastrophic events, you need to leave him. Now the fact that he refused to hand your baby over, tells me that you are in a controlling/ abusive relationship. As hell would freeze over before any man kept my baby away from me.

Your Husband is a bully and all it would take would be for him to go from kicking the cot to shaking your baby instead and her little life would be over. You are the only person who can protect your baby girl OP. You are all that stands between your little girl and a violent bully who could end her life or leave her with life-changing injuries.

Please, when your husband leaves for work this morning, get a bag of clothes for you both and gather all the important documents with you (birth certificate, marriage certificate, passports) and go to a relatives or friends house where you can both be safe. Then call social services and women's aid, tell your family and your friends that you are frightened for the safety of your baby. PLEASE DO THIS, it will stop you from being manipulated into returning to your husband!

pacempercutiens · 14/05/2018 07:07

My DH said things like that once when my baby was new (under 1 month). I told him he's gone if he does it again. He still gets up alot at weekends but he has never done it again.
If he ever took his frustration with her out by hitting something I wouldn't even give him a warning.

RoadToRivendell · 14/05/2018 07:09

Goodness. I think I'd have to show him to the door. That's weird and scary in equal measure.

Jackyjill6 · 14/05/2018 07:10

IdentifiesAsMiddleAged

If you had read my post properly, you would have noticed that I had written
'Absolutely you must protect your baby'
Which, possibly, I could have put at the beginning of my post, to show more clearly that that should be prioritised.

But my other point still stands, that sleep deprivation seriously affects mental health. I was giving a reason, not an excuse.

Fuglywitch · 14/05/2018 07:11

My sister lost all her kids as she wouldn't put her kids first. She was given several chances and loads of support and help, but she didn't see her partners shouting,agression, violence etc as a problem. Social services class what op says husband does as child abuse plain and simple,. It emotional abuse and it can and does lead to physical violence. Why are a lot of people here condoning violence of this nature? Yet on other threads they are up in arms about smacking etc?

SecretStash · 14/05/2018 07:11

Oh you lot what hate. I used to sing lullabies to my baby which would be the tune to classical music but the words “Go the fuuuuuuck to sleeeeep my little baaaaaaby, go to sleeeeeeeep please, of fuck my liiiiiiiiiife.” Etc etc

I’ve even screamed into pillows and thrown a hair drier or two.

Sleep deprivation is fucking torturous.
If you really want to be helpful OP, you will make sure that you are waking up to her first and going to her first. Maybe you will understand his frustration and sleep deprivation a little more....

Loveatthefiveanddime · 14/05/2018 07:11

In the first instance I think you have to take over all night wakings, he cannot deal with her well at all (huge understatement), so never ever can be left alone at those tiring times of frustration. Ever.

And this will then go for every other tiring time of frustration over the coming years. In the future there will be times like saying no in supermarkets, getting her to brush her teeth, getting her to put her shoes on quickly, tidying her room, blah blah blah it goes on and on. You can't do that, and he will be just as bad or worse then.

Keep talking here, I know it must be difficult, but his behaviour is so thoroughly shocking and out of order that I don't think several chats will cut it.

BlondeB83 · 14/05/2018 07:12

This is not ok! He sounds like an abusive arse!!

speakout · 14/05/2018 07:13

SecretStash you sound as bad as the OP.

Original poster
Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 07:14

It is only when she's been up several times a night several nights in a row and he's been cuddling her and she wakes up when put back down. He's not screaming in her face but it's not exactly wearily either. It is born out of frustration. I will speak to him when he gets home from work and talk about a plan for her night time wake ups.

OP posts: