To find them charmingly terrible hosts?

[TheDeuteragonist]

I've gone away for the weekend with my soon to be in laws while DP is away for the weekend.

I'll preface this by saying they are wonderful people who do a lot for us and our DD, I just find the way they are to be quite amusing!

So we are staying in a static caravan. They've had this van for years and come every weekend when it's open. Me and DD and my nephew have tagged along for the weekend.

We got here last night and all of us went to the pub, kids ran around and we had a few drinks. All good. At about 9pm me and MIL walked the kids home and got them in pyjamas. I offered to sleep in the living room and give the kids the room (2 &3), so we got them off to bed. Then MIL went to bed leaving me to fend for myself. She didn't tell me where any bedding was, nor how to pull the sofa bed out. I've actually only just discovered it does pull out after FaceTiming DP!

Then, this morning I got up with the kids which made sense as I was in the living room. Made them toast, etc. They get up and we have a nice hour or so drinking tea.

FIL then goes off to do his hobby and MIL and I go for a walk with the kids. We end up in a market she always go to so we walked around. MIL goes off and buys some bits, me and DD browse. Then back to the van.

At lunchtime MIL asks me if the kids want some lunch. I say they probably will and she just stares at me so I trot off to the kitchen and whip something up for them. She then goes to the fridge and pulls out a pie, which she makes for herself and eats. No mention of what I might eat so I offer to buy everyone an ice lolly and get myself a sandwich while I'm at the shop. To be fair, there was stuff for me to make something but I just felt so awkward I did that instead.

Then dinner time comes around. We have pizza and chips. One pizza between 5 of us, which is cool, and about 6 chips each but they've cooked and included me so I'm happy enough. For dessert, kids and FIL have a yoghurt and MIL pulls out a trifle that she eats and doesn't offer to anyone else! FIL offers me a yogurt though!

I told them to go out tonight and I'd have the kids so I've sorted my bed, located no less than 3 sleeping bags and 2 blankets so I don't freeze like last night and helped myself to a few of MIL's snacks that I found hidden away!

I'll say again, this is light hearted as I love them to bits and they probably don't view me as a 'guest' as such but a member of the family who will fend for themselves. Which in itself is lovely. But damn I would have killed for some trifle!

AIBU to think they are charmingly bad at hosting?

It sounds a bit as if MIL and PIL have relatively separate lives and are used to doing things for themselves without thinking too much about anyone other than themselves?

In any case, now you know this is how it is, you can anticipate stuff.

"Do the DC need lunch soon?"

"Yes, I'll make them a sandwich. I think I'll have one as well - would you like one or have you got other plans?"

I’d say they were utterly shit at thinking about other people, but from what you say delightful nonetheless. Your MIL sounds like my MIL to be.... and that’s ok. Just something different as my former MIL would have done everything and probably wiped my arse if I’d asked (like she does for all her middle aged sons)... although I can quite handle that

This seems like classic passive-aggressive behaviour.

You are not a guest your family. Plus some are just selfish like that. Costs them less

I know it's terrible not to read the full thread, but I can't understand why you didn't knock on her door about the bed - she can't have got into bed and fallen asleep instantly and you would have immediately realised you didn't have any bedding. And I don't understand, in the lunch scenario, why when your MIL asked about the children's lunch, you didn't talk about lunch for you and her too - "oh yes, what are we all going to have?" And if she got a family sized trifle out and you fancied some, why didn't you ask if you could have a bit?

Do you think you were expected to shop for yourself and they only bought enough for themselves maybe?

I still can't get over "one pizza to feed five!"

I'm struggling to see what's charming about any of that TBH!

Were they expecting you maybe to offer to cook something for everyone? If I were invited to someone's holiday house and especially if my party outnumbered theres, this is what I would do and I might be miffed if I invited family and they expected me to also do all the catering.

Seriously? They're rude. Who doesn't tell family where the bedding is? Or how to work the bed? Or where the food/snacks are?

Rude.

Well this escalated! They are in a bit of a routine bubble which has resulted in you getting a bit of a short shrift OP you seem to recognise it's not deliberate and have a good relationship with them. Equally you offered to shop and they said nothing was needed, you've not been rude either. It's just one of those things that warrants a little giggle, maybe in a few years time you and MIL will laugh about how how much she loves her trifle

I stay with my parents in their caravan BH in summer. My sister does too. We have 1 ds each.

My parents (well Mum!) always says don't bring anything and I'll ask what she has and say I'll bring x y and z as ds likes them. But she then says no and buys it (she's great!).

It feels odd to me to have her provide it all and to help myself to it - but I'm not complaining about the fact she cooks us all breakfast

I get what your saying though - my X in laws were charmingly crap at hosting. XMil would be cleaning and cooking her evening meal whilst ds and I visited her in the morning. They were generous though and hosted is for fantastic meals and took us out many a time. Just when we went around she just expected us to treat it like home.

pmsl! obviously a wee buddy that likes her chuck and doesn't want to share 😂

the [now late] inlaws have been out for the day with us, and camped near us and despite me shopping for them have done their own food, weird. There was the time at their house when there were quite a few guests they'd invited to lunch, at about 4 o'clock [some of the guests had gone pleading a long journey] she served up a 6 inch pizza cut into slivers.....no one was allowed to take more food if they were hungry, I remember her shrieking at my daughter whom she'd accused of taking a pot of yoghurt from the fridge, she was used to doing that at other granny., I said she'd not taken it, no idea if she had or not, but she was obviously hungry if she did I'd have been more than happy to go out for a meal but they always wanted us to eat with them. We'd say we're arriving at x o'clock, get there ready for food and they'd not started on food, but would have been offended had we eaten. Once my son went to stay when he was old enough to go on his own, he arrived back at half past 3 without having been fed or given something to eat and drink on the train. Some people are weird

DP always eats on the way to PIL. They would look at something that says serves 2, say ‘let’s not go mad’ and split it between 4, and expect me to share my portion with toddler DD. I have schlepped to theirs on the train, practically falling through the door having carried all the piles of stuff we need, pregnant and carrying a toddler and not even been offered a glass of water. They weren’t thirsty so no one else possibly could be!

maybe they expected you to
bring some food as there are three of you .. i would've

Problem here is that both parties have very different eating habits and nobody is comfortable enough with each other to communicate what they need or want. OP could have gotten me out to eat but for some reason didn't feel comfortable saying 'thanks but I am going out as this doesn't work for me/the kids'

OP should take food - simply not to leave it to chance. The ILs should be a bit more hospitable - tell OP how to make the bed up / be more generous with portions. Etc.

If this was my DH then he would have just gone off and got himself food at my mothers. He doesn't wait for anyone, nor will he eat food he is presented with but deems unpleasant. I've learned to take more of a leaf from his book now because he always gets what he wants. And he doesn't seem remotely bothered if this ruffled feathers.

I can see why visiting them in their caravan is on their terms and restrictive. It's not something I would be prepared to do regularly without ensuring I could eat and do more of what I wanted. Learn for next time OP.

No offence intended but are they from Yorkshire?? My family are all from there and they all behave like that. Once they invited us for a pub lunch, grandma and grandpa. When they arrived, half an hour early, they got a table for 2 (Not four as there were four of us)- and when we arrived at the agreed time they were finishing their desserts. Lots of stories like that one. My mum is similar. Also from Yorkshire

Pizza and chips?

OP maybe just talk to your MIL for future reference?

Everything seems glaringly obvious as to what I should have in hindsight. Rest assured Mumsnet next time I will go armed with my own food and make verbal arrangements with them for meals!

Told DP all about it and he had a right laugh. He was even able to tell me what flavour the pizza was and where his dad got the chips from! Creatures of habit they are!

Oh you can say that with hindsight, OP, but oddness can’t be effectively anticipated!

To be fair OP you did ask about food! They do sound very eccentric. I'm aghast at the bed situation. They are just not very good hosts. It's definitely a fend for yourself situation if you a stay with them again.

maybe they expected you to bring some food as there are three of you

To all the posters saying OP should have brought her own food - she asked exactly this when they were out shopping and MIL replied "no" and that she had food for everyone. I'd find that incredibly frustrating - you try to do the right thing and then not only end up with no lunch but end up feeling criticised. I'd have probably been more pointed than you OP and said "I've clearly misunderstood - I thought you said you had it covered. No problem but I am rather hungry so I'll just nip out and get me and the kids some lunch. Do you need anything?"

And to the poster who invited her friends camping and was then expected to host them all at the BBQ. Completely ridiculous - like you we've gone on numerous camping trips with many different groups of friends - some invited us away and in some cases we invited them away. No-one would ever expect the inviters of the camping holiday to provide all the food for the invitees. And at a joint BBQ for everyone then everyone pitches in with food and drink.

I am gobsmacked at posters who have stayed with friends and family and not been offered any refreshment. Mind boggling. I've stayed with many friends and family over the years and equally have had more than my fair share of guests to stay in our home and have never come across such a thing.

Sometimes with long term guests - those staying for extended periods - we might host for the first 4 or 5 days and then do more of a get your own thing after that but we make it clear that's the case and give people access to the fridge to store food items and tell them how the oven works etc. but still occasionally do a dinner where everyone sits down together.

Although I have had the opposite thing - some nephews and their mates from another country came to stay - they are all in their twenties - we all went out for a curry on one occasion and a pub lunch on another (trying to give them the typical English experience) and both times when the bill came they just all sat there and we ended up paying it! Being young, and mortgage and child free they probably had more disposable income than us.

So MIL keeps the trifles and pies all to herself (!) and you managed to uncover her secret stash of treats (I hoped you told her and clocked the look on her face), so it sounds as if not only is she obsessively greedy but is single-handedly keeping the flag flying for the Fat Acceptance Movement........