To find them charmingly terrible hosts?

[TheDeuteragonist]

I've gone away for the weekend with my soon to be in laws while DP is away for the weekend.

I'll preface this by saying they are wonderful people who do a lot for us and our DD, I just find the way they are to be quite amusing!

So we are staying in a static caravan. They've had this van for years and come every weekend when it's open. Me and DD and my nephew have tagged along for the weekend.

We got here last night and all of us went to the pub, kids ran around and we had a few drinks. All good. At about 9pm me and MIL walked the kids home and got them in pyjamas. I offered to sleep in the living room and give the kids the room (2 &3), so we got them off to bed. Then MIL went to bed leaving me to fend for myself. She didn't tell me where any bedding was, nor how to pull the sofa bed out. I've actually only just discovered it does pull out after FaceTiming DP!

Then, this morning I got up with the kids which made sense as I was in the living room. Made them toast, etc. They get up and we have a nice hour or so drinking tea.

FIL then goes off to do his hobby and MIL and I go for a walk with the kids. We end up in a market she always go to so we walked around. MIL goes off and buys some bits, me and DD browse. Then back to the van.

At lunchtime MIL asks me if the kids want some lunch. I say they probably will and she just stares at me so I trot off to the kitchen and whip something up for them. She then goes to the fridge and pulls out a pie, which she makes for herself and eats. No mention of what I might eat so I offer to buy everyone an ice lolly and get myself a sandwich while I'm at the shop. To be fair, there was stuff for me to make something but I just felt so awkward I did that instead.

Then dinner time comes around. We have pizza and chips. One pizza between 5 of us, which is cool, and about 6 chips each but they've cooked and included me so I'm happy enough. For dessert, kids and FIL have a yoghurt and MIL pulls out a trifle that she eats and doesn't offer to anyone else! FIL offers me a yogurt though!

I told them to go out tonight and I'd have the kids so I've sorted my bed, located no less than 3 sleeping bags and 2 blankets so I don't freeze like last night and helped myself to a few of MIL's snacks that I found hidden away!

I'll say again, this is light hearted as I love them to bits and they probably don't view me as a 'guest' as such but a member of the family who will fend for themselves. Which in itself is lovely. But damn I would have killed for some trifle!

AIBU to think they are charmingly bad at hosting?

All great points, butternut. I don't know! She went to bed, I didn't know the bed came out (so had effectively volunteered to sleep on the sofa), I expected her to bring me a blanket and I didn't just want to knock on once she was in bed.

Re: pizza...she said to me 'I've got pizza for us for tea and FIL can get us some chips.' They go shopping before they come to the van and I had joined them after work on Friday so had no input in the shop. I do know that for them 1 slice of pizza and some chips is sufficient. I'm just greedy.

Please rest assured I was invited. I didn't just decide to join them. They are a closely knit family and DP's brother has partner and 4 kids who come and stay too. So me, DD and nephew (their grandson too) isn't something they haven't experienced in relation to numbers.

Families can be strange. I used to go with dp to visit an aunt of his, and she was so mean every slice of ham in the salad was counted, and the strawberries were finely sliced and sprinkled with sugar, so they went further! (I like my strawberries whole!) She was very skinny though!

What size was this trifle? Individual or family size?

Ok, I just seems so inhospitable that they didn't sort a bed or bedding out for you?

I would have left in the morning!

Dozer, family sized. The remainder is still in the fridge but I daren't have any

I think it was the bed thing that got me the most.

FIL would have come home last night and seen me curled up on the sofa. Granted, he wouldn't have wanted to wake me and tell me then but why not say this morning or ask if I knew the bed pulled out?? I don't get it???

"You're family" is no excuse for this rudeness. I don't treat members of my family worse than I treat non-members. Courtesy and generosity apply to family too.

Weird not to offer any food or show you how to do things or where they are. If they’re just like that though and you all get on well I’d probably just ignore it and be prepared to crack on with things. I’d feel awkward though making separate food etc while around them.

I'm going against the grain here, but I think yab completely unreasonable.

I think they have invited you to share their caravan. I don't think they've meant they will host you for the whole time.

It sounds like you've contributed nothing to the food. I think the pizza sharing out pitiful portions, and the individual trifle eating should have sent you a clear message, they're not planning on catering for you.

Would their side be 'we said future dil could come to stay in our caravan, and she's bought nothing and is eating all our food. Aibu to be pissed off and not share?'

I'm projecting because we once went camping, 'invited' loads of friends to join us. We all sat around the bbq first night, put our meat etc on, and it became clear no one else had bought anything, and were planning on sharing ours. We dished out one chicken leg and a tomato each (or whatever 4 meals divvied up between 16 worked out as), and the only comments were 'there's not much food is there?' Well, no, because you all didn't bring any!!

Hosting in your own house, yes, you provide, but the rules change once you go on holiday, everyone sorts themselves out, regardless of who booked the accommodation.

Fair point!

I will say, I never expected them to cater for me or DD. Yes, it's fair to say I didn't bring anything with me but doesn't mean I haven't and wouldn't contribute.

I gave FIL the money for the chips he went to get. I bought rounds in at the pub, ice lollies for the kids and MIL, shared flapjacks from my trip to the shop and offered to babysit nephew while they go out child free.

I don't think I come across as ungrateful but maybe so!

Even on that note, just a heads up at the market would have been helpful..

I've bought a pie, do you want to grab one for yourself for lunch?

That sort of thing?

I know they buy bread, milk, etc before they come so would have been redundant bringing my own. Tomorrow I will suggest a trip out for lunch to atone!

I wonder if when you went to the market, she was expecting you to pick up some food then for you and your dd, (am assuming the nephew is their responsibility from how you're writing?), you didn't, so she pointedly ate the pie she'd just bought?

X-post, yes do that re lunch tomorrow. I'm worried you think it's charmingly crap hosting, and meanwhile she's getting crosser and crosser with you.

What I find strange is why did you not have a conversation about where and how you would sleep before she settled in for the night. You simply could have asked her, why wait for her to tell you? Also regarding the food did you not have a discussion about what you should contribute?

Wait a minute - it's your nephew?!?
You're not babysitting! The children are your responsibility!

Sounds like nephew was there with the IL's and the OP offered to babysit him as she was in with her own kids anyway.

Christ, I feel like a shitty person now.

Maybe what I do and expect is different. When we host them at home or away they are offered everything and asked if they need anything. I wouldn't expect anything unless we had arranged it, like BYOB or whatever.

When I came on Friday I asked if they needed anything and that's when MIL mentioned the pizza and that they had stocked up on tea bags, milk, etc.

I just (wrongly) presumed we would eat out at lunch, which I would happily have paid for. Similarly when I went to the shop I asked 'shall I pick anything up?' And was told no...

So mixed signals both sides perhaps.

Yup, nephew there with the in laws.

Nephew is DP brothers son. They had offered to bring him with them (to his mum). Not that it matters, but had I not been there they would have had him with them tonight so had to come home early.

Rather than tag along with them tonight I thought it would be a nice way to say thank you by having both kids while they went out.

Her nephew, so presumably also her in-laws grandson! In which case they are just as responsible for him as the OP, if not more so.

(sorry, that was to arethereanyleftatall - cross-posted!)

Sorry, I misunderstood about the nephew. That's nice of you.

She's sending pretty mixed messages then from your last post, since you're offering to get provisions. I wonder if she means 'no, you don't need to get anything For me?'

I thought this was going to be about Eurovision.

The remainder is still in the fridge but I daren't have any

If it's a family sized quiche and you were hungry and wanted some, why on earth didn't you ask? With this and the bedding debacle you seem incredibly passive. Why on earth wouldn't you just knock and say 'sorry if I was meant to bring bedding but is there anything I can use to sleep under?'

Also, feeling slightly defensive, the only food of theirs I've eaten is the pizza and chips which MIL told me was for us all and a couple of biscuits while they have been out.!

I made the kids toast this morning and got my own sandwich for lunch! I've hardly eaten them out of house and home.

Maybe I'm stupid to trust someone who says 'Dinner is sorted, I've bought pizza'

I agree that you’ve misread the signals.

They’re probably lying in bed whispering about DIL not bringing any bedding or food with her!