To find them charmingly terrible hosts?

[TheDeuteragonist]

I've gone away for the weekend with my soon to be in laws while DP is away for the weekend.

I'll preface this by saying they are wonderful people who do a lot for us and our DD, I just find the way they are to be quite amusing!

So we are staying in a static caravan. They've had this van for years and come every weekend when it's open. Me and DD and my nephew have tagged along for the weekend.

We got here last night and all of us went to the pub, kids ran around and we had a few drinks. All good. At about 9pm me and MIL walked the kids home and got them in pyjamas. I offered to sleep in the living room and give the kids the room (2 &3), so we got them off to bed. Then MIL went to bed leaving me to fend for myself. She didn't tell me where any bedding was, nor how to pull the sofa bed out. I've actually only just discovered it does pull out after FaceTiming DP!

Then, this morning I got up with the kids which made sense as I was in the living room. Made them toast, etc. They get up and we have a nice hour or so drinking tea.

FIL then goes off to do his hobby and MIL and I go for a walk with the kids. We end up in a market she always go to so we walked around. MIL goes off and buys some bits, me and DD browse. Then back to the van.

At lunchtime MIL asks me if the kids want some lunch. I say they probably will and she just stares at me so I trot off to the kitchen and whip something up for them. She then goes to the fridge and pulls out a pie, which she makes for herself and eats. No mention of what I might eat so I offer to buy everyone an ice lolly and get myself a sandwich while I'm at the shop. To be fair, there was stuff for me to make something but I just felt so awkward I did that instead.

Then dinner time comes around. We have pizza and chips. One pizza between 5 of us, which is cool, and about 6 chips each but they've cooked and included me so I'm happy enough. For dessert, kids and FIL have a yoghurt and MIL pulls out a trifle that she eats and doesn't offer to anyone else! FIL offers me a yogurt though!

I told them to go out tonight and I'd have the kids so I've sorted my bed, located no less than 3 sleeping bags and 2 blankets so I don't freeze like last night and helped myself to a few of MIL's snacks that I found hidden away!

I'll say again, this is light hearted as I love them to bits and they probably don't view me as a 'guest' as such but a member of the family who will fend for themselves. Which in itself is lovely. But damn I would have killed for some trifle!

AIBU to think they are charmingly bad at hosting?

The in laws have been rude, and OP passive. A conversation was / is needed to establish what ILs would like to do with respect to catering.

Me, dd and dp were invited to FILs apartment in benidorm shortly after MIL has died. Was the oddest, most awkward holiday I have ever had.

Fil had a routine. He got up at 7am, went down into town for breakfast and to get a racing paper. Came home and studied the form. At 10am he got on the bus to a bar that has a bookies in it. Ordered half a bitter and placed his first bet. Watched the race and then placed another bet. This went on until 5pm. He then went home, had a nap, got showered and went to the local bar. Ate his evening meal about 8pm. Got pissee. Went home and went to sleep.

Suggestions of the pool or beach or a walk around were met with a blank stare. And then he did what he wanted to do anyway.

If he hadn't been grieving I would have kicked off. As it was by day 3 I got up and went to the beach with dd. Told dp he could go with his dad or come with me.

We spent the next 4 days on the beach and evening with fil. It was awkward.

Never again!

I strongly suspect that if it had been the MIL posting here she would have been told that it was wrong and rude to expect her DIL to bring food, because in AIBU it is always the OP's fault! That said, they don't sound intentionally rude or mean. I agree most with those posters who've suggested PILs just haven't thought that you don't know their little ways and won't just seamlessly blend in as BIL's family have learned to, and that thrashing out precisely what is expected is the way forward in future. Once you're on the same page you should have some splendid holidays with them.

I have to say, though, I'd find it a bit odd to be expected to just look after another child that happened to be invited at the same time as mine. Their guest (and grandchild!) their responsibility, surely? OP isn't even married to their son yet! I'm not saying she could/should have dealt with her own child and ignored the other one, but, you know, some kind of please or thank you for just stepping up and minding someone else's child? Even if they are related by soon-to-be-marriage.

ps I don't understand They're in a caravan so obviously people have to bring their own food. What difference does it make whether you're in a house or a caravan, or for that matter in a tent in the middle of nowhere? If you invite someone to stay with you you either feed them or explain the arrangements for feeding themselves - don't you?

PIL just assume everyone has the exact same routine and preferences as they do, meaning they are in a similar league as hosts. In their world everyone likes coffee with skimmed milk so it doesn’t matter that I’ve been telling them I take it black for more than 5 years. Everyone gets up at 10, as well - even toddlers and newborns...

"who eats a family trifle without offering it round?! "

Did you not read my post? That's how it works in my family. If I go and visit my parents they tell me there's a trifle in the fridge and I can help myself. If I go to get a bowlful I don't have to offer to everyone else at the same time because they can also help themselves. I don't see what's wrong with this.

They do sound charmingly thoughtless. I’m glad you can treat it with amusement OP. I’ve met people like this before, they have good intentions but are so absorbed by their own routine that other people’s needs just don’t cross their mind.

"They're in a caravan so obviously people have to bring their own food. What difference does it make whether you're in a house or a caravan"

Well, in a house I presume there would already be some food.

" If you invite someone to stay with you you either feed them or explain the arrangements for feeding themselves - don't you?"

Do you? Everyone is away from home here so everyone is in the same boat. Unless they're in the middle of nowhere, I would think that food comes from the shop and can be prepared in the caravan is quite obvious and doesn't really need to be explained.

If someone comes to stay with me I might offer them some food, but if they're at home while I'm at work or something I'll presume they know how to get bread to make themselves a sandwich. I don't think guests should necessarily be waited on hand and foot.

I do find it interesting to see different people's ideas of how things should work!

I've woken up this morning and made the kids, MIL and myself breakfast and making a pot of tea.

When FIL is up I'll offer to buy lunch for everyone later.

Like others and I have said, I think it's just presumed I will incorporate into their routine and I'm happy to.

Similarly with my nephew, I'm happy to help. They have done lots of impromptu childcare for us, like having DD when DP goes golfing, etc. So they aren't mean or not generous and I would never suggest that.

I just know I'd do something different, like offer trifle around and I come from a family where when it comes to cooking, etc everything comes out in the wash eventually as we all just pitch in or pay at some point. But then again that is our unspoken rule if you like!

Seems odd to me, my PIL have a caravan and we stay in it regularly (although not with them). We help ourselves to anything in the cupboards, but also leave behind provisions for them to use after us. They refuse any cash contribution from us and even pay for a meal out when we get the keys off them! I suppose they would rather we spend our spare money on our kids than give it to them.

If I go and visit my parents they tell me there's a trifle in the fridge and I can help myself

But OP’s MIL didn’t tell her there was trifle in the fridge and she could help herself? So it would have been rude of the OP to do so, as she hadn’t been invited to.

My IL’s live abroad and are fab hosts, always asking if there’s anything we want/need/anything they can get us. We do the same when they visit us. It means going to stay with them feels like a treat!
There’s also nothing wrong with the ‘fend for yourself’ way of doing things, but I think this needs to be established in advance. If the OP’s in laws had said at the start ‘we all sort our own meals’ then the OP would have known where she stood.

This thread is making me really want a trifle.

Been unwell, not eaten for a few days and been fancying something sweet.

A trifle would do quite nicely.

They are being a bit thoughtless and you were being a bit assuming.

But it sounds like you’re nailing it so far today.

Mostly now I want a weekend in a caravan eating pie, pizza and trifle.

Any unmarried brothers?

Jen, I'll have to buy my own next time we visit and report back on how nice it is. I'll also get myself one of those pies, it looked and smelt delicious!

I don't think she would have begrudged me if I'd have asked for trifle, but out of respect for all mums out there whose little treats don't remain sacred (like mine!) it has stayed in the fridge unmolested all night!

Littlered, unfortunately not! Although depending on what state DP is in when he gets back today, I might happily donate him.

MN is a strange place sometimes.

To me, your PIL are odd, inhospitable and catastrophically socially inept. Why on earth would a woman who's raised her own family not seem aware that very young children need to be fed? How could anyone produce their own food, sit down and eat it while leaving a guest - a guest in their house/caravan/whatever, whether family or not, sitting at the table without food?

As for any suggestion that you're at fault for not realising you needed to bring a full shop, all your own bedding, and probably the kitchen sink as well.....words fail.

Would your Dh do any of these things? What does he think of his parents' weirdness? Because make no mistake, weirdness it is. Not charming. It's rude.

Next time take food with you

I'd go to supermarket and buy some food... least van bit is gratis.

I guess they're "charmingly terrible" in much the same way that you're charmingly bitchy.

Sounds like my MIL. She doesn't 'host' EVER!
We all fend for ourselves, bring food & chip in.
She'll look out for the DC & offer them stuff but adults are on their own! If we want food, we get our own - as does she!
Remarkably batty but once you understand the way it works it's actually really relaxed for all concerned!

Why on earth would a woman who's raised her own family not seem aware that very young children need to be fed

I agree. For me it would be the very reason to fill the fridge with the makings of meals as well as their treats and favourites.

But not everyone’s like that and it could very well be that the inlaws don’t want to interfere with the children. Not that it would be interfering but here at MN we see almost daily what can be construed as interfering.

I think the inlaws have their way of doing things down at the caravan and they’re perhaps set in their ways. Not that it makes any of it right.

Just rigid routines and miscommunication. I get this OP, because things work really differently in my family to in dh’s family. So if MIL is asking what she can bring for christmas, say, she gets really confused when I do what would be normal in my family and try to refuse/give her something really little to buy - after 14 years she now looks me in the eye and says ‘I’m confused, what do you actually want me to bring’.

Do you Facetime dh in the caravan? Could they have overheard you talking about the bed being uncomfortable?

Just going back to the BBQ with 16 people - that poster was camping with friends, not at their own house. I wouldn’t go to a BBQ at someone’s tent in a field and expect them to have meat for 16 people. Where would they store it?

I can't get over the lack of bed or bedding bring sorted/offered. Isn't it normal to work out where everyone will sleep before you arrive? Make sure there's enough bedding etc?