To find them charmingly terrible hosts?

[TheDeuteragonist]

I've gone away for the weekend with my soon to be in laws while DP is away for the weekend.

I'll preface this by saying they are wonderful people who do a lot for us and our DD, I just find the way they are to be quite amusing!

So we are staying in a static caravan. They've had this van for years and come every weekend when it's open. Me and DD and my nephew have tagged along for the weekend.

We got here last night and all of us went to the pub, kids ran around and we had a few drinks. All good. At about 9pm me and MIL walked the kids home and got them in pyjamas. I offered to sleep in the living room and give the kids the room (2 &3), so we got them off to bed. Then MIL went to bed leaving me to fend for myself. She didn't tell me where any bedding was, nor how to pull the sofa bed out. I've actually only just discovered it does pull out after FaceTiming DP!

Then, this morning I got up with the kids which made sense as I was in the living room. Made them toast, etc. They get up and we have a nice hour or so drinking tea.

FIL then goes off to do his hobby and MIL and I go for a walk with the kids. We end up in a market she always go to so we walked around. MIL goes off and buys some bits, me and DD browse. Then back to the van.

At lunchtime MIL asks me if the kids want some lunch. I say they probably will and she just stares at me so I trot off to the kitchen and whip something up for them. She then goes to the fridge and pulls out a pie, which she makes for herself and eats. No mention of what I might eat so I offer to buy everyone an ice lolly and get myself a sandwich while I'm at the shop. To be fair, there was stuff for me to make something but I just felt so awkward I did that instead.

Then dinner time comes around. We have pizza and chips. One pizza between 5 of us, which is cool, and about 6 chips each but they've cooked and included me so I'm happy enough. For dessert, kids and FIL have a yoghurt and MIL pulls out a trifle that she eats and doesn't offer to anyone else! FIL offers me a yogurt though!

I told them to go out tonight and I'd have the kids so I've sorted my bed, located no less than 3 sleeping bags and 2 blankets so I don't freeze like last night and helped myself to a few of MIL's snacks that I found hidden away!

I'll say again, this is light hearted as I love them to bits and they probably don't view me as a 'guest' as such but a member of the family who will fend for themselves. Which in itself is lovely. But damn I would have killed for some trifle!

AIBU to think they are charmingly bad at hosting?

Ok, I read it initially as you brought the children and thought by telling them you would sort them out at bedtime was a bit cheeky.

She sounds rude. I have a family member like this and she is rude. People used speak about her as being a bit odd/quirky etc but in reality and from seeing how she is over many many years, she is rude and getting more so with age.

I would imagine they expected you'd have sandwiches with the kids. Why didn't you?

BTW 'Me and DD and my nephew have tagged along for the weekend' very much makes it sound like you brought your nephew. It wasn't until several posts in that I realised he was their grandson and they had brought him.

You haven't done anything wrong! I would be ashamed not to offer a guest ( or a family member, or an old friend) food and bedding! And if my mother found out I would never live it down!
But my family are not all English. I hate to say it but is this an English thing, expecting guests to bring their own food? ?

Like the bedding, god only knows.

I am perhaps too polite, or passive.

I know she wouldn't have cared if I had one too, so it wasn't fear. Just a worry that you're in someone's space and haven't worked the etiquette out yet and it all feels a bit weird.

Yeah, that was poorly worded.

The reason I lumped it in was because the reason we are there is because it is DP's stag do.

So Dp's brother has gone, too and because they have 4 kids they offered to take nephew, so in my head we all went for the same reasons so together, but not?

That's really weird.
Surely they would say to you to help yourself to something.

We stay with my fil at his holiday home, we take extra things that he might not have or think about, especially for DS and we just all share what is there. He constantly offers food, especially in the morning if he's doing something for himself and even if we've already had breakfast. He also gives up his bed for us, absolutely insists on this.
He is Indian though and I have been told it's more of a thing for them to be extreme in their hosting. Although my own family are similar, not as extreme but would definitely be more hosting.

Saying this I can imagine my mil being exactly like your in-laws, I've never stayed with her in the 10 years she's been my mil and that's probably why 😁

How can anyone describe this behaviour as charming?

They sound selfish, rude, tight and self absorbed! I'm sure if you had stocked the cupboards with loads of food at your own expense, they would have happily helped themselves.

They are really inhospitable OP and I hate that. But you seem to think they are otherwise fantastic people, which doesn't really make sense......

You've done nothing wrong OP,you sound like a lovely guest and your PIL's are just really bad hosts,some people are just like that.

Can empathise. My MiL tried to feed ten of us on one Frozen Pizza.

Your pils are incredibly rude. You hosted them on holiday and they aren’t prepared to do the reverse or seemingly look after the child they chose to take away. Dh and I once went to stay with brother and sil for a couple of nights. I had to root around for ages to find a loaf of bread. It was in the freezer! We arrived in the evening and luckily had eaten McDonald’s en route at about 4pm as dd was hungry. Nothing offered all evening. The only food they gave us for the 3 days was some baguettes, a pack of ham (as in one normal sized pack) and a pack of cheese and some eggs for the kids. Then sil complained because the ham was all gone. . They’re very well off.

Sorry that should read MINI baguettes.

Christ, I feel like a shitty person now

Don’t. It’s just that you have different ways of doing things.

Personally I would have shown you where everything was as soon as you all arrived at the caravan. Id also have made sure there was loads to eat because food is a very big part of my family but I have relatives who only eat to stay alive and as a result they eat like sparrows.

Don’t stop going away with your in laws. Just learn from this trip and next time be more prepared beforehand by saying can we sort out some meals and I’ll do the shopping.

As for the trifle - I think it was there for the taking so just say you’d like some. It sounds like it’s why a family sized one was bought.

You sound like a really close family.

I don’t think it’s charming. Just odd!

If you hadn’t been to the caravan before the normal thing for your PILs to do early on would be to talk to you about sleeping arrangements and show you where bedding etc was.

The normal thing for MIL to do when she was buying her pie would be to ask if you wanted one. I.e. “I’ll get a pie from the market for my lunch - would you like one too or would you prefer something else?” That way you know what she is planning and are given a choice.

They are weird. Not you.

I think it is odd too.

Am laughing at the 16 people to a bbq having to share one portion of meat..... I mean honestly unless I was asked to byo I wouldn't in a million years expect to have to bring my own food.... did they all make their excuses and leave half an hour later through hunger??

Struggling to see the 'charming' in this. They're not only rude but tight fisted and mean. Who sits down to a family sized trifle like that? Bizzare if you ask me! Sounds like they are happy to take (when you shouted on holiday) but not return the favour

'Again, if it were my caravan I would have said that the sofa pulls out and blankets are in X, Y, Z.'

Me too Op. I think it's just basic courtesy.

'You've done nothing wrong OP,you sound like a lovely guest and your PIL's are just really bad hosts,some people are just like that.'

This

I think it’s weird too, OP. And I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I can see you’re the kind of person who’s alert for verbal comments and unspoken signals.

My in laws are better than yours at hosting but they too have their own little ways. They will provide a “salad” of 6 slices of cucumber and 2 small tomatoes (quartered) and half a head of lettuce for 6 people. I would eat that on my own. With it you can have one slice of bread, cheese or ham (I’m veggie). It is the smallest dullest lunch. Now when I visit them I bring food to contribute or ask “please could you get some mushroom pate in for lunch” or “could I make myself beans on toast”. But that’s after several years of being surprised at lunch time. They’re better at dinners.

What I’d do if I were you is aak “so what’s your plan for today’s meals, do you have a plan for all of us or shall I buy something? Shall I get it in for me and the kid or can I get you something too?”

I’m sure they’re not secretly fuming, much more likely to be oblivious.

So mixed signals both sides perhaps.

probably should have talked about eating before you went tbh

It is always going to be difficult sharing space with other people. It does sound as if your PiL have their set ways and they expect "everyone" to know and understand how they do things, as if there is some universal law. The only way forward for me is to have a conversation about how things are going to be before you get there, just a bit of planning so that everything runs smoothly on the day.

Forewarned is forearmed, much more powerful than being light hearted about a weekend which is much more awkward than it needs to be for all of you. All the best.

I don't see why meals have to always be one person cooking for everyone else and I think everyone helping themselves is just as valid.

"would you sit and eat a trifle in front of your family without offering any to any one else? "

Yes. It would be kept in the fridge and we could all go an get ourselves a bowl. It's not as if it's a mile away and one person has to get everyone's bowlful. I have known members of the family to have special treats just for them as well e.g. my DM might have some chocolates that nobody else is allowed to have.

DH family are exactly the same, I have just come to the conclusion that hosting people is something they feel uncomfortable doing and they struggle to think beyond their own routine.

We live about 4 hours drive away and when family visit us, we fully cater for them and we take them out to see local sights. It’s never reciprocated but it’s not out of meanness or a lack of funds it’s just thoughtlessness. As a family they are like under socialised puppies.

Everyone gets their own tea or coffee but never offers anyone else. There is a cupboard crammed with soft drinks (fruit shoot type drinks for kids and cans for adults), however nothing is ever offered, you must you ask for a drink from the cupboard if you want one. Again nobody offers so MIL ends up with a queue of people asking for drinks.

The fruit bowl is always over flowing with fruit but I’ve never seen anyone ask for a piece, it’s bizarre. I have learnt to take snacks with us when we visit and we treat everyone to a takeaway.

I don’t think you did anything wrong OP and have handled the whole matter with good grace.

"is this an English thing, expecting guests to bring their own food? ?"

They're in a caravan so obviously people have to bring their own food and I don't see why it would all be PILs responsibility either.

Some people are a bit nuts on here, I certainly think they're being rude, who eats a family trifle without offering it round?!
And from what you've said, I wouldn't have brought food or bedding either, they're just a little odd I think...