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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find them charmingly terrible hosts?

208 replies

TheDeuteragonist · 12/05/2018 22:29

I've gone away for the weekend with my soon to be in laws while DP is away for the weekend.

I'll preface this by saying they are wonderful people who do a lot for us and our DD, I just find the way they are to be quite amusing!

So we are staying in a static caravan. They've had this van for years and come every weekend when it's open. Me and DD and my nephew have tagged along for the weekend.

We got here last night and all of us went to the pub, kids ran around and we had a few drinks. All good. At about 9pm me and MIL walked the kids home and got them in pyjamas. I offered to sleep in the living room and give the kids the room (2 &3), so we got them off to bed. Then MIL went to bed leaving me to fend for myself. She didn't tell me where any bedding was, nor how to pull the sofa bed out. I've actually only just discovered it does pull out after FaceTiming DP! Grin

Then, this morning I got up with the kids which made sense as I was in the living room. Made them toast, etc. They get up and we have a nice hour or so drinking tea.

FIL then goes off to do his hobby and MIL and I go for a walk with the kids. We end up in a market she always go to so we walked around. MIL goes off and buys some bits, me and DD browse. Then back to the van.

At lunchtime MIL asks me if the kids want some lunch. I say they probably will and she just stares at me so I trot off to the kitchen and whip something up for them. She then goes to the fridge and pulls out a pie, which she makes for herself and eats. No mention of what I might eat so I offer to buy everyone an ice lolly and get myself a sandwich while I'm at the shop. To be fair, there was stuff for me to make something but I just felt so awkward I did that instead.

Then dinner time comes around. We have pizza and chips. One pizza between 5 of us, which is cool, and about 6 chips each but they've cooked and included me so I'm happy enough. For dessert, kids and FIL have a yoghurt and MIL pulls out a trifle that she eats and doesn't offer to anyone else! FIL offers me a yogurt though!

I told them to go out tonight and I'd have the kids so I've sorted my bed, located no less than 3 sleeping bags and 2 blankets so I don't freeze like last night and helped myself to a few of MIL's snacks that I found hidden away!

I'll say again, this is light hearted as I love them to bits and they probably don't view me as a 'guest' as such but a member of the family who will fend for themselves. Which in itself is lovely. But damn I would have killed for some trifle!

AIBU to think they are charmingly bad at hosting? Grin

OP posts:
Delatron · 13/05/2018 08:54

Being not bring

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 13/05/2018 08:56

Some people just live like that. On the bright side, you won't need to be on edge around them, worrying about offending them.

You may need to learn to speak plainly as in "can I have some trifle?" "Is there any lunch or should I go to the shop" and "is this the only pizza?". In a way it's nice that they are letting it all hang out now instead of putting on a genteel front which gradually falls away over the years.

Unless this is their genteel front....

0LIVE · 13/05/2018 09:01

If that what they are like normally, I don’t see why your partner wouldnt have warned you .

tenredthings · 13/05/2018 09:02

Your DP is the one to ask, did he spend his childhood fending for himself ?

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2018 09:03

I do understand your point. When I'm hosting, ie people come to stat with me, I expect to feed them unless otherwise agreed. I would not cook for myself and have them watch me eat it. It's odd behaviour.

I think although they were willining to have you there, they were not willing to provide for you. As such, next time, bring a load of provisions inc treats.

Your mother in law told you she'd provided one meal, the pizza and had the basics. You knew several meals were to be eaten, not just one, and you had nothing. So next time, just bring stuff with you.

Halsall · 13/05/2018 09:05

Your DP is the one to ask, did he spend his childhood fending for himself ?

Yes, this is what I'm now curious about.

reetgood · 13/05/2018 09:07

Haha this is like my family. I’d take as a compliment, you’re clearly one of them now and no need to be hosted :D. The other night I dropped round impromptu and ended up making dinner. We always say that my parents always make guests feel at home - so at home that guests know where the kettle is. Although they wouldn’t eat a trifle to themselves, that’s just mean.

Oldraver · 13/05/2018 09:12

My Mum (although a pain in many ways) is a good host usually and will pile you with food and sort bedding.

OH's family dont have a clue...don't even get offered a cup of tea sometimes, when we have travelled over 200 miles. One brother didn't even give us enough bedding, one single duvet between us. I had asked if he wanted us to bring stuff up (he'd recently split from his wife and there was public arguing on FB over who got what). And he wonders why we stay in a hotel now

NellMangel · 13/05/2018 09:14

My parents are exactly the same. I took the kids to stay in their caravan with them, mealtime was this weird "every man for himself" scenario. Mum and dad would silently make their own separate meals, not conferring about who wants oven or "shall I do veg for two". I think they've just got really set in their ways.

Had same thing about watching telly. Was never asked if there was anything I fancied, just "there's nothing on tonight" so they'd stick on some itv3 shit that they'd already seen.

Last time I learnt from past experience and took food with me. But the fridge was full of their food...

BabyItsAWildWorld · 13/05/2018 09:17

Ah, I think this is just a misunderstanding.

You both missed the conversation you should have had whihch was:

"what shall we do about food this weekend?".
"Will we be eating out? Shall I bring some stuff for the kids?"

You'd have then made a plan together about who brings what, whose cooking when, and when you're eating out.

Don't worry though OP, sounds like you've got a good enough relationship to recover this, and luckily you're nice enough to do this instead of storming off in a huff.

I think going away with other people always requires discussions about eating expectations and plans before you go.

daisychain01 · 13/05/2018 09:19

This thread is rapidly turning into 🍧 Trifle-gate

The way I pictured the trifle situation, was the MIL pulling out a single pot of trifle from the fridge, and tucking into it in front of the OP - so zero chance for the OP to say, mmm that looks nice and MIL saying "grab some out of the bowl in the fridge"

I thought that was particularly mean.

daisychain01 · 13/05/2018 09:21

I could never come back from the trifle situation, I'd be festering for years after that Grin. OP you sound like a good sport

greenlynx · 13/05/2018 09:33

I think it's weird especially sleeping arrangements and trifle situation. I'm quite suspicious now about how they are treating your DD when they are looking after her. She is very young so can't fight for herself. And they certainly have very strange ideas about how to behave towards other people.
I'm not saying they're bad but not thoughtful and reliable which is equal to not nice and not capable for childminding in my books.

theduchessstill · 13/05/2018 09:36

I'm struggling to find anything charming about any of this.

MarthaArthur · 13/05/2018 09:37

Its not an english thing.
Horrible to suggest they are neglectful with children alone in their care.
This thread illustrates how different families can be. Just because everyone does things differently doesnt make one right one wrong.

nakedscientist · 13/05/2018 09:50

They sound like my in laws.
We went to visit for Sunday lunch once, but our car broke down. I was on mat leave with a baby and a toddler. DH took our older two home on the train so they could go to school and he to work and I stayed to wait for the local garage to fix the car which took about four days.
I then discovered I was expected to shop and cook separately for myself and the kids and the only activity allowed was sitting in the garden.
MIL was/is very skinny and thinks food (but not cigarettes) is a luxury! It's not how my family are but MIL/FIL not trying to be horrible, far from it, that's just what they're like.

PorkFlute · 13/05/2018 10:03

Sounds like a miscommunication about the food and they were expecting you to bring some and are now trying to make theirs stretch.
The in laws paid for us to go away with them to a caravan park and tbh I wouldn’t have dreamt of expecting them to shop to feed me, dh and the 2 kids as well. We did a shop on the way. I would stock up on some basics today op and offer to take them out for tea.

PorkFlute · 13/05/2018 10:05

Obviously it’s different if we go and stay with them in their home.

LillianGish · 13/05/2018 10:06

I think going away with other people always requires discussions about eating expectations and plans before you go. This - I always ask if I can bring anything and if going away for a few days would never go empty-handed or would plan to do a shop when there. I do think DP could have warned you - he must have known it would be like this. I think you have taken it in exactly the right spirit though - you’ll know for next time.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2018 10:44

@IfNot and @mycatistoofat
You've misunderstood my post. I said to my friends 'we're going camping, would you like to join us?' I didn't mention food.
Are you seriously suggesting that whichever person suggests to a group of friends that they should go camping together, is then responsible for the entire groups food for the entire time? Do I have to provide their tents too? I've been camping about 30 times now with various groups, and no one else has ever expected the person who booked first to provide the food.
If I invite people to a bbq at my house, of course I provide the food.
(Thanks @stiffstink For understanding my post!)
But I maintain, how you host in your own house is completely different to going on holiday together. Everyone just discusses it and pitches in, as the op is now doing.

Original poster
TheDeuteragonist · 13/05/2018 11:16

This has turned into a great thread!

I'm keeping one eye on The Fail though!

They are brilliant with the kids and I know when they have her they feed her and will happily wash clothes of hers, but sweets, etc.

No chance of them overhearing the FaceTime conversation as they were out by then. I did incredulously ask DP why they wouldn't at least tell me about the bed pulling out when they'd spotted I'd slept on the sofa on Friday night. He just laughed in a 'what are they like?' Kind of way.

I don't think they had expected us to fend for ourselves for dinner as MIL was very insistent about the pizza. But I have noted I'll bring a few bits next time and take control a bit more.

And my charming bitchiness happens to be one of my favourite traits Gin

We have had a lovely morning with the kids and FIL is now making me a brew. I think we are all fine now. Brew

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2018 11:24

Glad to hear it op. Whether they were charmingly oblivious, or whether they were thinking you should have bought something, you did absolutely the right thing by making a show of pitching in, so the result can only be positive. Enjoy your holiday!

daisychain01 · 13/05/2018 13:23

I'm struggling to find anything charming about any of this

....which makes the OP all the more fab for realising they're not Hosts of the Year but still manages to stay reasonably sane Grin and not go NC over Trifle-crime.

Could you nick stuff out of the fridge from your MILs pudding stash and down it before she gets her hands on it ...

Lilacwine1 · 13/05/2018 14:20

Buy your own trifle next time, a nice big one with lots of custard and cream, get a spoon, sit at the table, spit on trifle, mix it in, and enjoy.Grin

TemptressofWaikiki · 13/05/2018 15:24

They don't sound charming to me. Dreadful behaviour. My family would not dream to treat any partner or guest so shoddily.

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