To find them charmingly terrible hosts?

[TheDeuteragonist]

I've gone away for the weekend with my soon to be in laws while DP is away for the weekend.

I'll preface this by saying they are wonderful people who do a lot for us and our DD, I just find the way they are to be quite amusing!

So we are staying in a static caravan. They've had this van for years and come every weekend when it's open. Me and DD and my nephew have tagged along for the weekend.

We got here last night and all of us went to the pub, kids ran around and we had a few drinks. All good. At about 9pm me and MIL walked the kids home and got them in pyjamas. I offered to sleep in the living room and give the kids the room (2 &3), so we got them off to bed. Then MIL went to bed leaving me to fend for myself. She didn't tell me where any bedding was, nor how to pull the sofa bed out. I've actually only just discovered it does pull out after FaceTiming DP!

Then, this morning I got up with the kids which made sense as I was in the living room. Made them toast, etc. They get up and we have a nice hour or so drinking tea.

FIL then goes off to do his hobby and MIL and I go for a walk with the kids. We end up in a market she always go to so we walked around. MIL goes off and buys some bits, me and DD browse. Then back to the van.

At lunchtime MIL asks me if the kids want some lunch. I say they probably will and she just stares at me so I trot off to the kitchen and whip something up for them. She then goes to the fridge and pulls out a pie, which she makes for herself and eats. No mention of what I might eat so I offer to buy everyone an ice lolly and get myself a sandwich while I'm at the shop. To be fair, there was stuff for me to make something but I just felt so awkward I did that instead.

Then dinner time comes around. We have pizza and chips. One pizza between 5 of us, which is cool, and about 6 chips each but they've cooked and included me so I'm happy enough. For dessert, kids and FIL have a yoghurt and MIL pulls out a trifle that she eats and doesn't offer to anyone else! FIL offers me a yogurt though!

I told them to go out tonight and I'd have the kids so I've sorted my bed, located no less than 3 sleeping bags and 2 blankets so I don't freeze like last night and helped myself to a few of MIL's snacks that I found hidden away!

I'll say again, this is light hearted as I love them to bits and they probably don't view me as a 'guest' as such but a member of the family who will fend for themselves. Which in itself is lovely. But damn I would have killed for some trifle!

AIBU to think they are charmingly bad at hosting?

I just need clarification, OP. Did your MiL eat directly from the family sized-trifle bowl, or did she put some into a single serving sized bowl?

Also, is a caravan the same thing as a trailer? If so, I assume there is a smaller kitchen and fridge setup? I don't know how this makes any difference, though. When we go to my DB's cottage, (we always bring food), there is often difficulty fitting everything into the fridge, which is a standard size.

MIL put trifle info a bowl and ate it. Which is why I thought my luck was in when she approached me with said bowl but then sat next to me.

DP has inherited some of their traits which are amusing sometimes and annoying at others. For example, when we meet someone he knows he doesn't introduce me to them or vice versa. Which is a tad awks. I've told him about it and he acknowledges it but old habits die hard.

Same with PIL and people they know, I never get introduced and have to speak to them which gets my social anxiety all a flutter!

Ah OK maybe I misread arethereany sorry!

This is kind of funny.

I have met people like this, who just don’t offer ANYTHING if they’re hosting. Even if they’ve suggested me visiting etc

I’m not sure if it’s explicitly malicious or just being socially inept?

It’s quite creepy in a way - it’s like they don’t actually want an outsider in their space (so just go about their routine whilst I sat there like an awkward lemon ) but felt the need to keep up the appearance of being socially normal?

I wonder if it’s actually ASD traits as well - that lack of empathy or really seeing someone else being uncomfortable ?

What’s crazy is that I dropped/stopped socialising with the couple of people I knew who did this

they both sent me clingy begging emails about how much they appreciated my company and “friendship” and what great times we had, and begging me to be “friends” again? It was like we were in two completely different social interactions

people are weird! Or maybe they just don’t get people wanting to socialise with them because they behave weirdly, so end up getting desperate and clingy over the ones they have

I am wavering between Pearl clutching shock and feeling completely charmed by them. They do sound nice a D relaxed.

Hang on…

At lunchtime MIL asks me if the kids want some lunch. I say they probably will and she just stares at me so I trot off to the kitchen and whip something up for them. She then goes to the fridge and pulls out a pie, which she makes for herself and eats.

So you made breakfast for your children and then lunch as described above... on either of these occasions, did you offer to make any for your parents-in-law?
I think it was you OP who set the stage for "every man for himself" behaviour.

I had offered toast to everyone at breakfast and when I was making sandwiches I said, "Would you like anything, Joan?' (Not her real name), to which she replied 'I'm alright, I've got a meat and potato pie that I got from the market this morning.'

I was perhaps a little passive in the food process, wrongly presumed we would go out for lunch and have dinner as MIL had said about pizza. Today I knew food would be a non issue as they needed to get back home, so only breakfast to navigate and I bought car snacks and drinks for the journey home (I came to them on the train)

Fair enough...

Also, op wasn’t feeding her children, she was feeding her child, and nephew who was there at his gp’s invitation. OP took care of a lot of the childcare of her nephew, allowing PIL to go out by themselves. PIL were just as responsible for making the children’s food as OP.

I have met people like this, who don’t offer ANYTHING if they’re hosting. Even if they’ve suggested me visiting etc

I said upthread about my family. We drove for hours to see them. Took them out for lunch to a restaurant the next day. Still nothing apart from a cursory few bits for a sandwich. Even paid for their own brunch and not ours when out at a local pub. I can’t speak for everyone, but for them it’s because they’re happy to forgo a meal and drink alcohol to fill them up. Not good with me as I need food to function otherwise I literally collapse. I took my own food and a few bits for dd. Dh fended for himself.

Mummy it’s crazy isn’t it?

It’s like there’s no appreciation that other people might have needs that are independent of theirs?

I mean I’m not an overeater or overfeeder. Or a great gourmet cook.

But making a cup of tea and a sandwich or stirring some pesto into some pre cooked filled pasta takes all of 10 minutes?

I think people are confusing hosting in your own home with a holiday though. Obviously if you are hosting at home you feed your guests but on a caravan holiday I would expect everyone to take their own stuff. My ils kindly paid for me and dh and his brother to stay in their caravan with them and our kids and I would have felt really entitled and cheeky to expect them to foot the food bill for everyone for the week as well!

PorkFlute but the OP said she specifically asked her MIL what she needed to bring with her and she was told not to bring anything with her and that they had got it covered. Even if they had decided to keep their food separate it’s still bad manners to tuck into a family-sized trifle and not offer anyone else any.

"If I go and visit my parents they tell me there's a trifle in the fridge and I can help myself

But OP’s MIL didn’t tell her there was trifle in the fridge and she could help herself? So it would have been rude of the OP to do so, as she hadn’t been invited to."

They only tell me about the trifle because they're always trying to feed me when I'm there, to the point of being really annoying. I actually know when there's trifle in the fridge because I see it every time I go to get milk to make a cup of tea, so don't need to be told. Even if they hadn't told me there was trifle in the fridge, I would still be able to go and get some.
Sounds like OP is very formal with PILs and maybe they expect her to make herself at home.

Maybe the next time, it's a big shop at the local Tesco so you can all chip in with selecting the food and splitting the bill or any supermarket doing a bogof on family size trifle

"‘If someone comes to stay with me I might offer them some food’

Mind. Blown."

Well, it's the same the other way around. If I go to stay with a friend, I don't expect them to cook for me. I usually get lunch out and about and go out for dinner because that's what I do when on holiday. I do appreciate if they have stuff for breakfast, but it's not really necessary as I usually stay in urban areas where we can go to the shop if needed.

Maybe the mil thought telling her to bring food would have been as obvious as telling her to bring clothes!
I would have offered the trifle round but expecting to be catered for for the entire holiday is also very cheeky!

Love people calling it a holiday when it's 2 nights in a van. They are there every weekend, Friday to Sunday, and have exactly the same routine from what I gather!

In my view, I was right not to bring any more food with me. They left with half of what they came with. Not sure of the fate of the leftover trifle...I don't think it would have fared so well on the journey home but surely wouldn't keep until next weekend?? That's the biggest mystery here!

I honestly think I was more bothered by the food situation than they were, and I hope so tbh as it's such a tiny thing. I think they are lovely and I'm sure they like me still!

‘2 nights in a van’ is more of a holiday than some people get all year! Maybe they picked up on how unimpressed you were and that’s why they decided to bin the trifle rather than let you have any 😂

Not sure of the fate of the leftover trifle...I don't think it would have fared so well on the journey home but surely wouldn't keep until next weekend?

I'm weeping salty tears 😭 at the thought of the trifle ending up in the bin when it could have been shared around. That's a travesty!

over-invested

Sorry, I wasn't being snobby about the van! It's lovely and they obviously love it...I just don't know how much it feels like I holiday to them when they go every weekend...

To me, it seems like an extension of their home!

I was invited to stay with friends once.

Flew out (hour flight) around 5pm. Landed 6/6.30pm.

But I'd had to leave my house at 2pm to make it to the airport and she had asked me for some snacks unique to my region so I stopped at shop etc...

Her dh picked me up at airport and said friend was preparing food at home.

When I arrived she had curry for them both and didn't even ask me if I was hungry!!

Op, this made me chuckle- very like my MIL. Especially the bemused “will the DCs want feeding?” despite very successfully raising 4 children of her own. Every time dh and I and the 2 children arrive she looks surprised though it has been on the calendar for months... cue dh either going out to do a supermarket shop or getting a takeaway after several hours stuck on the motorway!

Nothing charming about them from your OP.

Being a good host is very important. There's being relaxed with guests, but they sound ignorant and rude.

Will the dcs want feeding?

No, course not.