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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS1's Dad's Wedding - declined by school

372 replies

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 10:53

DS1 is in Y7 at High School. His Dad is getting married this year during term time and, obviously, wants DS1 to be there. School have refused the leave of absence request and stated that they expect DS1 to be in attendance on the days he was due to be away (it's a destination wedding so not something I can change, alter or even adapt to suit school; the actual wedding is on a week day and DS1 would be missing the whole of the last week of summer term).

So as not to drip feed DS1 has great attendance, is achieving well and all homework is on time and never gets into trouble. He also has ASD and can suffer from Anxiety at times and has been particularly anxious about being able to attend the wedding.

Am I able to appeal school's decision and challenge this? It seems awfully unfair that they've refused an application for a wedding of an immediate family member; being part of his Dad's wedding is a huge thing for DS1 and I can't see another way through this; he has to go to the wedding, he has to be there as it's his family.

Would it be U to challenge school's decision or is it best to leave it as unauthorised absence and just take the hit when they fine DH and I (they've written to us separately to advise that we'll be fined if he isn't in school on those dates)?

OP posts:
ememem84 · 12/05/2018 10:55

If you already know you’ll be fined if he goes anyway and can take the hit (as you’ve said it’s his dads wedding so he should be there!) id personally appeal as you’ve got nothing to lose.

scaryteacher · 12/05/2018 10:56

Iirc not a lot is done in the last week of the academic year for Year 7. I would take the hit and take him out, but get ds1s Dad to pay your part of the fine.

PetulantPolecat · 12/05/2018 10:56

Well no because his father specifically chose to get married in another country a week before his son’s school broke up. It is a choice that was made well after the school year calendar was published (since schools don’t suddenly end a week earlier or later each year)

Theimpossiblegirl · 12/05/2018 10:56

You should appeal (someone will advise how) but I would send him anyway, no matter what. It is ridiculously mean. Of course he has to be there. They'd authorise a funeral is always my view, so why not a family wedding?

Sirzy · 12/05/2018 10:58

When his dad planned an overseas, termtime wedding he should have factored this in so he can pay all the fines

OreoMini · 12/05/2018 10:58

I’d appeal but even if I lost I would still take him and take the hit on the fine after.

xyzandabc · 12/05/2018 10:58

I think his dad was very foolish to arrange a term time week day wedding far away when he knew DC would have to miss school. Surely DC is one of the most important people to be there and checking school dates would have been one of the 1st things I did before booking a date. If he'd done just 1 week later, there would be no issue.

That said, it is what it is now, and yes I would take DC out of school for it whether it is authorised or not.

namechangedtoday15 · 12/05/2018 10:58

I don't know the details but schools often have no discretion at all. They simply can't allow it, their hands are tied.

I know it's not the point of the post but why on earth did his dad set the date for term time?!

diddl · 12/05/2018 10:59

" It seems awfully unfair that they've refused an application for a wedding of an immediate family member;"

Perhaps that's something that his father could have considered before having a destination wedding?

ICantCopeAnymore · 12/05/2018 10:59

I'm a teacher and I'd be saying he was ill.

How ridiculous that they've declined it.

honeysucklejasmine · 12/05/2018 10:59

Just let him go and get dad to pay the fine.

youarenotkiddingme · 12/05/2018 11:00

Totally agree you have nothing to lose by appealing and it would be worthwhile approaching XH about paying your share of fine as he chose the dates!

Amanduh · 12/05/2018 11:00

The last week of the summer term in year 7 means no work!
Appeal and if not send him anyway and dad can pay the fine

Original poster
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 11:01

When his dad planned an overseas, termtime wedding he should have factored this in so he can pay all the fines

The fines aren't really my issue; his Dad would pay them just as easily as DH and I would. There's no meanness or arguing over fines etc, I'm more surprised that school don't deem his Dad's wedding an "exceptional" circumstance. It's (you'd hope) a once-in-a-lifetime sort of thing he'd miss out on if we follow their expectations.

OP posts:
PodgeBod · 12/05/2018 11:01

I would send him to the wedding but his dad can pay the fine as he should have thought about this before he decided to have a term time destination wedding.

OreoMini · 12/05/2018 11:02

namechangedtoday15 that’s not completely true.

My daughters school recently authorised a 2 week holiday in term time. They can authorise it if they want.

Sirzy · 12/05/2018 11:03

But it isn’t “exceptional” in the sense it is unmovable. He made the choice to get married overseas and in term time. He could have chosen to get married during school holidays and taken his son into account but he didn’t.

That’s why it’s different from things like a funeral because they are short notice and you don’t get a say in things.

rodstewartsmerkin · 12/05/2018 11:03

Did I not hear on the news that there’s a been a review into these fines and they’re having to rethink them?

I’m in Scotland where they don’t exist but it seems massively unfair (although I do agree that his DF should have considered this when booking a wedding)

CherieBabySpliffUp · 12/05/2018 11:04

It's not down to the school to issue the fine. It's the council. Appealing for permission makes no difference. Hopefully you won't get fined.

meditrina · 12/05/2018 11:04

Just pay any fine that arises. Or better still, have the parent who arranged it like that pay all fines.

Parents are expected to arrange things like weddings around term times, so appeal really won't get you anywhere.

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 11:04

Am I able to appeal school's decision and challenge this? It seems awfully unfair that they've refused an application for a wedding of an immediate family member; being part of his Dad's wedding is a huge thing for DS1 and I can't see another way through this; he has to go to the wedding, he has to be there as it's his family

You could just ignore the school obviously. I wouldn't have asked in the first place, I would have told, and I would have informed them their input was not required.

Original poster
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 11:05

I know it's not the point of the post but why on earth did his dad set the date for term time?!

I honestly don't know. He has two other DCs who are educated in another county and their term dates are different to DS1's, so I can only assume Ex looked at the calendar and assumed it'd be fine to book that week. We've never taken DS1 out of school for a holiday and never would, but with this it feels as though my hands are tied; I can't control what his Dad does, I just have to clean up the mess.

OP posts:
reallybadidea · 12/05/2018 11:05

Just take him out and think no more about it.

RowenaDedalus · 12/05/2018 11:06

In my school we would not authorise this absence so it would go down as unauthorised, but we might not fine. In fact I'm pretty certain we would not fine!

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