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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS1's Dad's Wedding - declined by school

372 replies

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 10:53

DS1 is in Y7 at High School. His Dad is getting married this year during term time and, obviously, wants DS1 to be there. School have refused the leave of absence request and stated that they expect DS1 to be in attendance on the days he was due to be away (it's a destination wedding so not something I can change, alter or even adapt to suit school; the actual wedding is on a week day and DS1 would be missing the whole of the last week of summer term).

So as not to drip feed DS1 has great attendance, is achieving well and all homework is on time and never gets into trouble. He also has ASD and can suffer from Anxiety at times and has been particularly anxious about being able to attend the wedding.

Am I able to appeal school's decision and challenge this? It seems awfully unfair that they've refused an application for a wedding of an immediate family member; being part of his Dad's wedding is a huge thing for DS1 and I can't see another way through this; he has to go to the wedding, he has to be there as it's his family.

Would it be U to challenge school's decision or is it best to leave it as unauthorised absence and just take the hit when they fine DH and I (they've written to us separately to advise that we'll be fined if he isn't in school on those dates)?

OP posts:
SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 12/05/2018 11:23

As if anyone plans their wedding around school Hmm

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 11:23

👀 Umm, you can’t plan when someone dies but you can plan when to have a wedding. There is a huge difference

you can't plan when someone dies but if you're planning the funeral you can choose when it is, same as you can plan a wedding only if you are the one getting married, which OP is not.

catchingzzzeds · 12/05/2018 11:25

I wouldn’t bother appealing, I think such a request is automatically turned down rather than looked at case by case. I wouldn’t give it a second thought

Thehop · 12/05/2018 11:26

High school authorised my 13 year old a week off for my wedding but my 7 yr old got a fine for unauthorised! It’s mad. Just go, let them fine you.

2cats2many · 12/05/2018 11:28

The school can't stop him from going. They have no powers of arrest! They can 'expect' as much as they like. Of course he needs to be at his Dad's wedding.

Just let them know that you intend to take him out anyway and get his Dad to pay the fine. He can absorb it into the rest of his wedding costs.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 12/05/2018 11:28

Why would they consider his Dad's wedding an "exceptional" circumstance, when it was deliberately scheduled for the week before he broke up for the holidays??

MollyDaydream · 12/05/2018 11:30

There is an issue now that neighbouring counties and even neighbouring schools set their own holidays, so a wedding planned for school holidays can still be term time for some family members.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 12/05/2018 11:30

Can he attend on the Monday, or the Friday with some careful jiggling of travel dates etc?

I understand that the LA will only fine if abscence is 10 consecutive mornings and afternoons. So that is a way round it.

I suspect its been declined as they think his Dad's wedding is a likely story on the last week of term and basically it's about cheap holiday. They can't exercise discretion on holidays anymore and they have to send you firm letters warning of dire consequences. If you were to challenge a fine you might well get it waived anyway given the circumstances and the mental wellbeing issues in play.

Tbh if it were my kid he might get tonsilitis, though.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/05/2018 11:31

2cats2many

The school isn't stopping him going, they are just not going to authorise the absence, Its a big difference that people don't seem to understand.

Aragog · 12/05/2018 11:32

I teach and have done for years. I still say send him

AnnieAnoniMouser · 12/05/2018 11:32

I would just send DS to his Dad’s wedding.

It’s the last week of school, they do fuck all anyway!

I’d appeal any fines they sent.

rookiemere · 12/05/2018 11:33

School were right to decline the absence and you are right to go ahead and take him out anyway (but DS dad pays the fine as his choice to get married on that date).

ReanimatedSGB · 12/05/2018 11:34

Just take him. Schools are, unfortunately, under ridiculous pressure about attendance (which is witless in itself as it means sick DC coming in and spreading their germs round the whole class).
He won't be missing anything important in the last week of the summer term - some DC might want the end-of-term fun but yours clearly wants to go to the wedding, so go and don't worry about it.

Quartz2208 · 12/05/2018 11:34

It’s not the school it’s a government initiative set out in legislation that if you avoid the fines go up and sanctions can be placed. Different LA have slightly different rules

I’m not saying it’s right but it’s not the schools fault and you can’t avoid paying.

Original poster
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 11:36

I suspect its been declined as they think his Dad's wedding is a likely story on the last week of term and basically it's about cheap holiday.

See I wondered about this and sent them travel documents to support the request as I put it in. But I suppose even travel documents can be altered or doctored so aren't guaranteed 'proof'.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 12/05/2018 11:36

I would appeal and hope they'd see reason. They do fuck all over the last couple of weeks of school anyway. I work in one. I know this.

I'd also tell dad he can go to the wedding, but to please give you the money to cover the fines that you will both face for sending him.

I hope he has a nice time.

Rainbowcolours1 · 12/05/2018 11:37

We would, and do, authorise a day for a parent's wedding. Any longer and it would be a fine. It isn't exceptional...weddings crop up a lot. The bottom line is that children should be in school.

Original poster
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 11:38

The general consensus is that he has to be there; I knew that but it's always nice to know it's not just me being one of 'those' parents.

We'll take the hit and leave it as it is; as has been mentioned appealing runs the risk of attracting unwanted attention from the LA and I could live without it.

OP posts:
umizoomi · 12/05/2018 11:47

My understanding is that it is the LA who issue fines, not school.so they have declined as they are following protocol as to what would count and they will then send that info to the LA who will decide if a fine is to be issued.

My understanding is that there won't be a fine if attendance is 93% or above.

But other than saving the fine money by appealing it will actually make no difference. I would take DS out, let him go and think nothing more of it

rookiemere · 12/05/2018 11:50

When you say "we'll take the hit" I do hope that you're not intending to pay any of the fine. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You're being remarkably understanding about it all, so no reason why you should be out of pocket for it.

daisychain01 · 12/05/2018 11:50

Keep your head below the parapet, don't bother with any appeal and let his DF sort out the fine.

Hats off to you, OP, you sound very supportive of your DS and want to do what's best for him even though it involves hassle for you.

2cats2many · 12/05/2018 11:50

BoneybackJefferson That's exactly what I was saying: they can't stop him from going.

Many of my friends seem to think that because a school doesn't authorise the absence it means that they can't go. It doesn't mean that at all. It just means that you might get a fine.

chubbymummy · 12/05/2018 11:54

When does he fly? You can only be fined if he misses 5 full days. If you can get him in for morning registration (even if you collect him again at 9.30am) then they can't fine you!
I'm a teacher and I'm fairly sure that he won't be missing anything important in the last week of term.

PuppyMonkey · 12/05/2018 11:55

If just send an email:

Dear school,

Thanks for your prompt response. Please be advised that DS will be attending the wedding anyway.

Kind regards

Moon

Tiredmum100 · 12/05/2018 11:57

I'd appeal and let him go regardless. Do I remember what I did my last week of summer term year 7? Uh no (and I doubt long term it made any difference to the outcome of my schooling). Do I remember every wedding I've been to? Yes. It's his dad! Okay so maybe he shouldn't have chosen school term to get married (can't blame him I bet it was a lot cheaper), but it is what is. It's not going to change now.

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