DS1's Dad's Wedding - declined by school

[Idontbelieveinthemoon]

DS1 is in Y7 at High School. His Dad is getting married this year during term time and, obviously, wants DS1 to be there. School have refused the leave of absence request and stated that they expect DS1 to be in attendance on the days he was due to be away (it's a destination wedding so not something I can change, alter or even adapt to suit school; the actual wedding is on a week day and DS1 would be missing the whole of the last week of summer term).

So as not to drip feed DS1 has great attendance, is achieving well and all homework is on time and never gets into trouble. He also has ASD and can suffer from Anxiety at times and has been particularly anxious about being able to attend the wedding.

Am I able to appeal school's decision and challenge this? It seems awfully unfair that they've refused an application for a wedding of an immediate family member; being part of his Dad's wedding is a huge thing for DS1 and I can't see another way through this; he has to go to the wedding, he has to be there as it's his family.

Would it be U to challenge school's decision or is it best to leave it as unauthorised absence and just take the hit when they fine DH and I (they've written to us separately to advise that we'll be fined if he isn't in school on those dates)?

@TryingToForgeAnewLife I'd still apply in advance, as they may authorise it anyway. Won't do any harm!

I was also going to say the LA/Academy thing may differ for fining. That’s why families at my children’s school don’t seem to get fined, and some take a lot of time off, for sports/dance competitions for example. The head is very honest and sent a newsletter out when we first started stating “we can’t authorise holidays but please let us know any dates you are taking children away so we can put them in the school diary to avoid us calling and asking where your child is”. She’s possibly regretting that 5 years later now ofsted have said attendance needs improving as we now get letters reminding us how important it is. And letters telling us to stay off for chicken pox and D&V!!

Let him go. Missing the last week of school is not a big deal. Your only real choice is whether you are honest with the school about the reason or whether you send in a sick note. As a parent and as a former school admin officer with some responsibility for absence statistics I would recommend lying like a rug. Just don't let DS know that's what you have done.

Sports/dance comps can be authorised with a 'P' code!

I'm more surprised that school don't deem his Dad's wedding an "exceptional" circumstance.
But it hasn't just 'happened', so no one could control when, your DSs dad chose to put it in term time. If it's so important to him his DS was there, he wouldn't have done that? It's his choice to put his DV through this, knowing he gets stressed about things?
Would he really be ok in a foreign country for a week with all the chaos? Is his dad supposed to be in charge of him whilst getting married? And is bringing him home afterwards? I guess you've thought all those arrangements through, but it sounds a stressful trip for a 12year old with ASD.

My school will decline an absance but unless more than 5 days have bern taken they dont issue fines (our LA have a 5 day policy). Would be woth checking your LA.

My sister is getting married over seas next year and specially arranged it in school hols so non of the family kids got fined.

Ask for all the lessons plans for the lessons he will miss that week so that you can help him catch up on what he missed at home. Given it's the last week of term they either won't have any or they will involve watching films or having days out.

Even if they still fine you, they'll look ridiculous for insisting he is in during the last week of term when they basically do nothing of importance.

What's the problem? It's not a holiday, it's his father's wedding!

A wedding takes a day.
A week abroad is a holiday.

He has picked a term time holiday/wedding so its cheaper. I am on the schools side because this is avoidable, your not supposed to do it. And as a single parent would not allow it.

Allow it walkingdead? How do I "allow it" or not? His Dad has as many rights as I do when it comes to DS1 and there's no "allow" when it comes to his Dad and DP's wedding; I'd be a bit of a knobhead if I attempted to dictate anything to do with their wedding because, frankly, it's nothing to do with me.

Single parent or not, allowed to or not, it's done. I either keep DS1 at home and accept that he's going to be terribly upset over missing out on his Dad's wedding ( to a woman DS1 loves very much and considers to be his family) or I let it go and accept that school might fine us.

This whole "I won't allow it" thing is odd. DS1 is as much a part of Ex's family as he is mine. He's as much his child as he is mine. I don't get to veto things simply because I'm RP. We might not always agree and we might need to compromise at times but pulling rank simply because I'm RP wouldn't be in DS1's best interests at all. His Dad should have checked, it was silly not to. But I can't change that, I can't hold it against him and I certainly won't punish him by refusing to let DS1 attend. The only person that would hurt would be DS1.

This is why I am delighted to no longer live in the UK - its the nanny state gone mad. Where is the balance.

Let him go and make his dad pay the fine. Just not a big deal

Idontbelieve

You have a super attitude towards co-parenting and well done.

There will always be those for whom following the 'rules' is the be all and end all. You are right to see that your childs wellbeing trumps this everytime

If I were the local education authority I'd feel justified in whacking up the fines considerably to bring it home to selfish parents that some poor sucker of an overworked teacher is going to have to help your little Prince/Princess to make up what they've ducked out on by their absence during specified term time.

The school is there, the facilities are there, the teaching staff is there - if the child ain't there then tough! If a parent is blithely prepared to stump up for the fine then they can stump up for some private tuition too......

Was in a similar situation to save the stress I would unfortunately have to cancel the trip for your DS

Tell Dad, Dad pays the fine. Sorted.

When the rules are stupid, you should challenge them. That’s a much better life lesson that obey, obey, obey whatever the merits of the rules in question actually are.

The rules on term time holidays are nanny state at it's finest.

Just take it out and take the fine as it probably isn't worth the energy fighting it.

Someone upthread has mentioned that the cost in administrating the fine makes it hardly worth it for LEAs and that, alongside the fact that this legislation has had no positive impact on attendance levels make it completely farcical.

Perhaps the energy would be better spent if the government took the time to look at the real reasons for low attendance figures.

This was in the news today
www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-44083625

it is no surprise to me as I have had 2 under 11s referred due to SN not being adequately met (not school's fault but funding) and the pressure of the SATS. My eldest also ASD, and also year 7 is no longer able to be at school due to these needs not being met.

Anyhow rant over, I hope your son can enjoy the wedding , although he may struggle with the fact that he is having to 'break the rules' to attend it. My ASD son would.

Sorry should say 'just take him out'

I have never heard anything more unreasonable than this. Thats exactly whats wrong with the education system. If i was you i would go completely mad...in fact just reading it makes me so crossed. It annoys me. Like the kids nowadays are not stressed enough. I dont know if one can sue schools but i would definately attempt to. There is no way i would accept fine.

@idontbelieveinthemoon

I just wanted to drop in to give you a little round of applause for your fantastic attitude. You’re a fab example to your DC

Idon'tbelieve

Yes, another one applauding your attitude. You are a generous and lovely person.

Can we have more of this, please?

Willow2017

idontbelieve
You have more patience and understanding of what it is to be human and make misteaks, give and take in a relationship, supporting each other than many posters on here.
Your family set up sounds a good one and hope your DS enjoys the wedding he will miss nothing of importance last week of school.

This!

IMO you are taking the right approach in communicating openly & honestly with the school & with supporting your DS in attending his Dad's wedding, something he'll remember forever.

Having reread your original post, I think I would want to reply to the school, thanking them for their response but setting out again why you believe these are exceptional circumstances (i.e. you have not chosen the dates; it is DS's Dad marrying, who has children with different term dates; any job restrictions or other factors that might have led to the choice of date; the fact that your DS's additional needs make travelling alone (& thus shortening the trip) inappropriate, etc.).

Speaking as a parent who has a child who is disabled & has SEN, life is tough enough & honest communication with the school is crucial. There is no need for school to inform him that his absence is unauthorised, so perhaps you just say to him that "we've discussed it with school". If that sort of approach might work with your DS, then add that into the school's letter as well, with your concerns about how any other approach might just add to his anxiety.

As far as the whole 'term-time-holiday-fines' system goes, it is a sledgehammer to crack a nut, slipped through the back door of Parliament so that it has never been appropriately discussed. If it had been then perhaps the issue of the difficulty of 'no term time holidays' for those working in the essential services, in small businesses, etc, etc, might have led to a far more pragmatic approach (which the old, discretionary system was).

If it's the last week of summer term, they usually don't do much, i remember playing games and having fun last week of term, definitely appeal it and then let him go anyway if you can pay the fine

"If I were the local education authority I'd feel justified in whacking up the fines considerably to bring it home to selfish parents that some poor sucker of an overworked teacher is going to have to help your little Prince/Princess to make up what they've ducked out on by their absence during specified term time."

The child is not taking sodding GCSEs. Where is your sense of perspective? 30 years ago in year 6 my parents took me out of school the week before the summer holidays to go to a massive celebration in my home country. The school were not happy. Now, 30 years down the line, which do you think made a bigger impact on my life? Was it a week in my home country watching agog at extraordinary processions, fireworks, etc along with a gaggle of cousins, that I still vividly remember three decades later? Or would I have learnt more staying at home in a rainy English July playing board games and rounders for the last week before the summer holidays? Hmm, hard one.

Of course, I must admit, the poor teacher is still traumatised by the thought of how much work it was helping me catch up on that missed week of board games. And my education never recovered.

@Idontbelieveinthemoon - you have an excellent approach to being an ex wife and co parent and I would love to think I'd have your level of balance and kindness if I were in that situation (I'm pretty sure I wouldn't)