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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS1's Dad's Wedding - declined by school

372 replies

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 10:53

DS1 is in Y7 at High School. His Dad is getting married this year during term time and, obviously, wants DS1 to be there. School have refused the leave of absence request and stated that they expect DS1 to be in attendance on the days he was due to be away (it's a destination wedding so not something I can change, alter or even adapt to suit school; the actual wedding is on a week day and DS1 would be missing the whole of the last week of summer term).

So as not to drip feed DS1 has great attendance, is achieving well and all homework is on time and never gets into trouble. He also has ASD and can suffer from Anxiety at times and has been particularly anxious about being able to attend the wedding.

Am I able to appeal school's decision and challenge this? It seems awfully unfair that they've refused an application for a wedding of an immediate family member; being part of his Dad's wedding is a huge thing for DS1 and I can't see another way through this; he has to go to the wedding, he has to be there as it's his family.

Would it be U to challenge school's decision or is it best to leave it as unauthorised absence and just take the hit when they fine DH and I (they've written to us separately to advise that we'll be fined if he isn't in school on those dates)?

OP posts:

nellieellie · 14/05/2018 16:01

I’m assuming that you and your DH have responsibility for DS rather than his father? That being the case, you are not responsible for your DS’s father fixing the wedding in school time. So, I’d argue that it is hugely in DS’s interests to go to his father’s wedding, so he feels part of the family of the absent parent etc, and it’s not your fault that this wedding is in school time, as it’s beyond your control. Thus it’s not like two parents fixing a wedding in term time.

Original poster

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 14/05/2018 16:16

I’m assuming that you and your DH have responsibility for DS rather than his father?

Absolutely; his Dad and I agreed when we split that it was in nobody's best interests to attempt 50/50 because DS1 needs definite routines and consistency. So his Dad and his Stepmum to be have regular contact, we do our best to parent as a unit but DH and I are very much the everyday-jobs ones who do the school run and the practical things. As such I had no control over any of the decisions made.

OP posts:

Starlight2345 · 14/05/2018 16:19

I would just send him too.

We had the case of a destination wedding immediate family last year . Wedding day was authorised not the holiday.

However no wonder Camhs can’t cope if sitting in a classroom is seen as more important than attending dads wedding .

Original poster

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 14/05/2018 16:24

If I were the local education authority I'd feel justified in whacking up the fines considerably to bring it home to selfish parents that some poor sucker of an overworked teacher is going to have to help your little Prince/Princess to make up what they've ducked out on by their absence during specified term time.

Sorry but this is just rude. You're entitled to think what you like, but it's rude. I teach. I fully accept that a term-time holiday isn't ideal. In all the years I've taught I've never taken a term-time holiday, nor would I. But I also have no control over when an Ex decides to get married and, frankly, my little "Prince" as you so twattishly put it, is actually a well-rounded, hard-working student who achieves well in every subject, shows respect and decorum and manages his behaviour in a great way despite the fact that his Autism presents itself in challenging ways. So perhaps think before you post such nonsense. I have shown his school and teachers nothing but courtesy and respect. I simply have to deal with the choices another adult has made.

The school is there, the facilities are there, the teaching staff is there - if the child ain't there then tough! If a parent is blithely prepared to stump up for the fine then they can stump up for some private tuition too......

As for "blithely prepared to stump up", again, it's just rude. What else am I supposed to do? Should I refuse to allow my son to attend his Dad's wedding? Should I tell my son "sorry mate, you can't go because someone on the internet thinks you're a little Prince"? Utter nonsense. As a parent and an adult I have two concerns in my life; my children's welfare and my children's happiness. To refuse to allow him to attend the wedding would gain absolutely nothing.

OP posts:

Willow2017 · 14/05/2018 16:34

Oh get over yourself!
The child is not going to mis a thing the last week before the hols. There wont be any work to catch up on. He is 11 not doing vital exams (and they would be finished by then anyway)

Its not ops fault her ex planned the hols and didnt realise their ds was still at school when his other kids were off.
RTFT!

MaisyPops · 14/05/2018 17:19

However no wonder Camhs can’t cope if sitting in a classroom is seen as more important than attending dads wedding
Total bollocks.
CAMHS is pushed to breaking point for a whole number of reasons but it's certainly not because some people (rightly) think a parent should check their child's term dates before booking a holiday.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/05/2018 18:06

amistillsexy
Before I appealed or paid any fines, I'd be asking school to give me a full breakdown of every Learning objective (or whatever dumbfuck hame they're calling it this week) each teacher will be teaching in each class of that week, right up to the final bell of the summer term, and I'd ask for a written assurance that each and every second of that week will be filled with meaningful learning opportunities.

And then you stepped away from the computer and keyboard warrior amistillsexy became her mild mannered alter ego.

ancient1 · 14/05/2018 18:33

Arrange an interview with the local newspaper and get the head teacher the negative publicity she/he deserves for being such an insensitive and un-caring person.
The Daily Mail might also be interested. It loves raising its readers' indignation.

OrchidInTheSun · 14/05/2018 18:49

There really isn't any need for drama (or for a thread really - particularly if you're a teacher when you must know the rules).

Your DS takes the time off, his dad pays the fine. Done. Those are the rules. They're boring but that's the way it is. This thread is bonkers

Original poster

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 14/05/2018 19:45

There really isn't any need for drama (or for a thread really - particularly if you're a teacher when you must know the rules).

I haven't created any drama; I asked a question and read through people's opinions to work out if it was unreasonable to expect school to apply a little lenience since I'm not the one who booked anything here.

Apologies for creating a thread you think unworthy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 14/05/2018 19:48

Arrange an interview with the local newspaper and get the head teacher the negative publicity she/he deserves for being such an insensitive and un-caring person.

Christ, no. The HT is generally great, and I'm the last person who'd go to the papers to cause trouble for a school.

The Daily Mail might also be interested. It loves raising its readers' indignation.

Ha, the Daily Mail's Sad Faces section is the exact thing I despise most in life! Except brussels sprouts.

OP posts:

GladAllOver · 14/05/2018 19:54

For those who say the child won't miss anything by taking a holiday for the last week of term because no useful work is done, perhaps the school might as well close a week earlier and let all the kids do something more useful?

LoniceraJaponica · 14/05/2018 19:58

I agree Glad
DD's school doesn't let the students do not work at all during the last week of term. It is an excellent school.

HairyToity · 14/05/2018 20:43

I think the school are being unreasonable.

RaquelWelch · 15/05/2018 10:30

Sad for your son to miss his last week of High School, his dad was a bit selfish booking the wedding for then. But I would let him go

Spero · 15/05/2018 11:43

I missed three months of school when I was 12 because I was in hospital. I can't remember having any teaching while i was in there. I got my A levels and a first class degree.

I don't know how things have changed so massively that missing a week of school is seen as something worthy of fining parents. He can be set some work to do over the holidays to catch up if that week includes information/learning that is so crucial to the rest of his adult life.

I would let him go and challenge the fine.

frogsoup · 15/05/2018 11:58

No decent teacher could possibly think that for a child who has otherwise good attendance, missing a week (or indeed several months) of primary school is going to have any long-term effect whatsoever.

It's a shame that there are so many parents who think fines are a terrible idea but that hey, that's the system, so you just have to tell the truth and pay up. You don't any moral obligation to play by a system that you think is corrupt and wrong. If all parents refused to play ball and simply called their kids in sick instead of admitting to term-time holidays, the whole edifice would eventually collapse under the weight of its own idiocy. And before anyone says that the school system itself would collapse because of all the entitled parents taking their little princes or princesses out on unauthorised holidays, I have news: most of the rest of the world (including Scotland and Wales it would seem) manage to have functioning school systems and democracies without this absurd school attendance over-policing.

shell1983 · 15/05/2018 12:53

Oreomini what were the circumstances of your allowed 2 week holiday in term term ?

frogsoup · 15/05/2018 13:11

Btw have you tried brussels sprouts roasted with garlic? It's totally converted me!

Bearhunter09 · 15/05/2018 13:16

Tbh I wouldn’t have asked in the first place. But yes appeal the decision, what’s the worst that can happen. Tell your DS he is going come what may. Mind you these school fines are pointless money making schemes anyway. Hope he has a fantastic time.

PieAndPumpkins · 15/05/2018 18:36

The last week of the summer term? Your son will miss nothing, school is such a waste of time that last week of summer and before Christmas. Just pay the fine and let him go.

80sMum · 15/05/2018 18:42

The last week of the summer term? He wouldn't be doing anything important then, just treading water waiting for the term to finish. I would take him (but I wouldn't have asked permission first, as schools are, I believe, obliged to refuse).
Better to just take him, then phone the school and tell them it's an important family matter.

Of course, what would have been even better is if the Dad had picked a date in the school holidays instead!

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