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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ludicrous abortion comment from DP

200 replies

WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 07:26

This was said last night, and honestly I’m furious. I don’t think it can be forgotten or forgiven :(

I had my first son as a teen, finding out when I was nearly 5 months pregnant, etc. Original plan had been abortion but I changed my mind, obviously.

Someone close to DP has had an abortion and he feels sad for her. I made a comment that I didn’t think he should feel anything about it particularly, as it was a choice she wanted/was happy with. He then said I was dismissing the distress an abortion can bring, and that ‘it’s clear you are actually anti-abortion, because otherwise you would have had one yourself’

I’m shocked because a) that was fucking spiteful b) I am nothing but pro woman

I said that obviously if it was her talking about it, I’d be all ears, but I don’t see the need to sit and speak to him about it as it has fuck all to do with him.

Not quite sure if it’s an AIBU, but I feel really down about it and just wondered if I’m being a little irrational about it? I don’t want to face him this morning.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/05/2018 07:28

I don’t think it’s worth falling out over.

rodstewartsmerkin · 12/05/2018 07:28

I think your first comment to him about how he shouldn’t feel anything wasnbang our if order if I’m honest. Who are you to tell people how or what to think.

His comment to you wasn’t very nice but you both sound unpleasant

Smeddum · 12/05/2018 07:28

I don’t think you should have said he shouldn’t feel sad, it’s understandable to empathise with a friend.

However there was absolutely no need for his response, it was a wicked thing to say.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 12/05/2018 07:30

Everyone is entitled to an opinion about abortion. His comments to you were flippant, as yours were to him I.e you have no right to any feelings about it. It's an argument you can have with him as it's very personal to you. It does not mean you have the monopoly on all feelings for it though.

Storm4star · 12/05/2018 07:31

Hmm, I think a lot of it depends on this woman’s circumstances and the wording that was used. I don’t think many women are “happy” to have an abortion. For most it’s a gut wrenching decision and yes, very distressing. What he said to you wasn’t nice, but you telling him he shouldn’t feel anything wasn’t nice either.

NameChangeCuzImAHorriblePerson · 12/05/2018 07:33

You told him how he should or shouldn't feel, and he did likewise. You're both as bad as each other.

PotteringAlong · 12/05/2018 07:33

You’re making something out of nothing here.

Original poster
WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 07:36

Well I guess I do disagree. I don’t think he should feel anything about it particularly, it’s nothing to do with him. It was a long time ago, and it’s not a friend. Obviously at the time she wasn’t ‘happy’ but it’s many years on and she is glad that is the route she took now.

I don’t think he has a right to comment on an abortion personally, I wouldn’t comment on it.

OP posts:
Smeddum · 12/05/2018 07:38

I don’t think he has a right to comment on an abortion personally, I wouldn’t comment on it

You did.

Luisa27 · 12/05/2018 07:38

It’s his opinion - you can’t tell him how to think or whether he’s allowed to actually have an opinion Confused

Quartz2208 · 12/05/2018 07:39

I think you are simplfying abortion to a decision that if you make its one you are happy with and wanted. Whereas the truth is much more complicated than that - people have them for a variety of reasons and whereas they can see it as the right choice it doesnt make it any less upsetting or distressing.

So actually I think your comment was flippant and he was right in saying you were being dismissive.

He is seeing someone he likes going through something and he wanted to talk it through with you - you basically said it had nothing to do with him and shut him down.

Yes the comment he made was below the belt but you do need to have some self reflection as to why it got to that point. At the moment he is probably not that happy with you that you were so dismissive of him

feelinggoodinspring · 12/05/2018 07:39

Abortion isn't a walk in the park and it's actually quite refreshing to hear a man acknowledge how difficult it is for a woman who has been through one. Normally men can be quite harsh around the subject and think women do it for the fun of it.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 12/05/2018 07:41

Six of one and half a dozen of the other. You dismissed him and he dismissed you.

Do you never feel anything about another person's situation at all?

Storm4star · 12/05/2018 07:42

I think he can comment on what he wants! You don’t have to agree but you were harsh towards him in the first place. Basically you told him he shouldn’t have empathy for someone. I wouldn’t like that either. You were both in the wrong but clearly you want to be told you were right!

rodstewartsmerkin · 12/05/2018 07:42

OP you are really not coming across well in this.

Who on earth do you think you are to tell someone that they can’t feel sad for someone?

hdh747 · 12/05/2018 07:45

I don't see why he shouldn't feel sad for someone but when you dismissed it, he went too far.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 12/05/2018 07:45

It's such an emotive subject. Everyone has an opinion on it.

You can't tell him how to feel.

freezerfoodyum · 12/05/2018 07:47

For most it’s a gut wrenching decision and yes, very distressing.

It wasn't for me and it wasn't distressing either. A blessed relief is what it was.

toomuchtooold · 12/05/2018 07:48

I agree with you OP. It's not your DH's place to feel sad for this woman as he doesn't know her feelings about the abortion. And in the same way, he's got no right to tell you what your position is in abortion based on the observation that you didn't have one. In both these situations, he's gone and assumed your thoughts and feelings, and hers, based on your actions, and it's presumptive and annoying. If he wants to know your position on abortion he can (respectfully) ask you - if he wants to know his friend's feelings about her abortion he should try and content himself that there are some things in this life that it's fine for one to want to know and yet not know i.e. it's none of his fucking business.

Buggered · 12/05/2018 07:48

Is he ever allowed his own opinion on anything or only the opinion you give him?

If I was him I would be noting how little you think of him, how to his own wife he has to pick and choose what he talks about and wondering what future we had.

BrightonCalling · 12/05/2018 07:48

Is the real issue that you feel jealous DP is showing some sympathy/empathy towards another woman? Might be a bit of a weird conclusion but ive known people to react like this

adaline · 12/05/2018 07:49

Of course he's allowed to feel sad for someone else - isn't that a completely normal thing for someone to feel?

Abortion is a really difficult subject and everyone has feelings about when or if it's appropriate, so you dismissing him outright is not very pleasant.

His comment wasn't the greatest but you started it by dismissing his feelings. If someone told me they'd had an abortion, it wouldn't be my business to tell them I was sad about it but I'd still be allowed to feel that way.

You don't get to tell him how to feel.

Branleuse · 12/05/2018 07:49

Relief for me too

RedDwarves · 12/05/2018 07:50

I agree with Brighton that it seems like you have an issue with your DP showing sympathy for another woman's situation.

Original poster
WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 07:51

Clearly I’m in the wrong here. But I just can’t shift my opinion on this. I seriously don’t think he should have an opinion on it, it’s got nothing to do with what he decides.

I am not dismissing abortion itself. And like I said, if it was her to talk about it I’d be very supportive, but it’s not. It’s not his baby, not his body, I don’t understand why he feels the need to feel sad about THE abortion. From where I’m standing I don’t think it was actually very much to do with his empathy for her, more that a) he didn’t know and b) a ‘baby’ was aborted.

I also don’t appreciate him telling me that abortions are ‘distressing’, I’ve witnessed enough friends go through them (including this particular abortion) and came very close to having one myself. I don’t need it mansplained to me.

OP posts:
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