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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ludicrous abortion comment from DP

200 replies

WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 07:26

This was said last night, and honestly I’m furious. I don’t think it can be forgotten or forgiven :(

I had my first son as a teen, finding out when I was nearly 5 months pregnant, etc. Original plan had been abortion but I changed my mind, obviously.

Someone close to DP has had an abortion and he feels sad for her. I made a comment that I didn’t think he should feel anything about it particularly, as it was a choice she wanted/was happy with. He then said I was dismissing the distress an abortion can bring, and that ‘it’s clear you are actually anti-abortion, because otherwise you would have had one yourself’

I’m shocked because a) that was fucking spiteful b) I am nothing but pro woman

I said that obviously if it was her talking about it, I’d be all ears, but I don’t see the need to sit and speak to him about it as it has fuck all to do with him.

Not quite sure if it’s an AIBU, but I feel really down about it and just wondered if I’m being a little irrational about it? I don’t want to face him this morning.

OP posts:
Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 12/05/2018 08:30

He's just found out. This is 5 years down the line for you but I bet you felt sympathy and sadness for her at the time.

I would also be upset if someone I was close to went through a time that was distressing enough to need my partner to support them through it.

He has as much right to comment on abortion as you do. You haven't had one either.

You really aren't coming across well here.

PatisserieDeBayeux · 12/05/2018 08:31

Is the real issue that you feel jealous DP is showing some sympathy/empathy towards another woman?

That's the first thing I thought. Maybe dh didn't choose his words carefully. He was trying to get an idea across and in the heat of the moment it sounded snappy.
Really couldn't get worked up about this unless I was feeling a bit jealous.

NoYouDontHaveThat · 12/05/2018 08:32

You sound like a joy to be around OP.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/05/2018 08:33

OP, it sounds like you haven’t got over the trauma of finding out you were pregnant at 16. I think it’s brought a lot of your feelings to the fore. Have you missed out on a lot of things in life by going ahead with your pregnancy and haven’t dealt with those feelings of resentment or have buried them maybe?

It’s OK to have had your child, love him but to still have mixed feelings about the life choices that were taken from you at that young age.

Original poster
WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 08:33

advice360 I shouldn’t of supported her through an abortion because I didn’t have one myself? What the actual fuck.

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 12/05/2018 08:34

I just reiterate my point that he needs to be sad about the fact that his sister didn’t feel she could confide in him at the time, and why this was. Given his reaction now my guess is she was worried he would have been judgemental about it and unhelpful.

thebewilderness · 12/05/2018 08:34

I am in the "no uterus no opinion" camp.
Your partner has been told that women suffer terribly from regret over abortions. He chooses to believe that and act on his irrational belief.

You know him better than we do so you know if you can tell him he is misinformed and be heard an understood.
His cheap shot at you is another issue that needs review. Is that usually the sort of mean and cutting thing he feels is appropriate to say to you?

RoadToRivendell · 12/05/2018 08:34

I do think there is a lot of instinctive revulsion around abortion: people who support the right to have an abortion still apparently feel that it should not be too “easy” (usually claims to know Someone who Had Four Abortions As Contraception And Is Having A Fifth) and dislike the fact that many women terminate a pregnancy and literally get on with their day.

Yes, and it's a confoundingly inconsistent moral philosophy.

People need to keep their noses out of other people's body parts.

immortalmarble · 12/05/2018 08:35

Cheap shot, Curly

FranticallyPeaceful · 12/05/2018 08:35

I really don’t see why he’s not entitled to an opinion. Because he’s a man? Seems weird. I think you’re making drama from thin air

Jesu · 12/05/2018 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/05/2018 08:36

Yes, I agree with PeakPants too. The 'every woman finds abortion distressing' narrative is fiction and propaganda. Some do, some don't.

The ones who don't, who just do it and get on with their lives with barely another thought, don't talk about it, obviously. So 'people who have had abortions and talk a lot about them' is self-selecting unhappy group.

Given it's his sister, I do understand he feels sad at finding out she went through something that might have been difficult and that she didn't chose him to confide in. Also he may feel 'left out' because you knew - childishly self-centred as that thinking is.

Though, if he is in the habit of projecting his feelings and not listening to what others really think and feel, he already has his answer as to why she didn't schoose him to confide in.

Maybe give him time to absorb it, then talk again calmly.

Original poster
WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 08:36

Fucking hell curly

Yes I missed out, I was 16. Yes it was a horrific shock. Yes giving birth when I was still a child was traumatising. Yes having people treat me like a piece of shit was traumatising.

No someone else having an abortion has brought up these feelings and I don’t need you to tell me that ‘that would be okay’ I’m not a child anymore and don’t you dare patronise me.

OP posts:
immortalmarble · 12/05/2018 08:37

Well yes, I quite agree Road, but then this does extend to the sort of thinking that says you can have an abortion if you are raped / have only had one / used contraception but it failed / are suitably distressed by the thought.

I had one; it wasn’t pleasant but it certainly didn’t leave me a quivering physical or mental wreck either and it was the right thing to do. Obviously, the right thing to do would have been not to have got pregnant but the next best!

RoadToRivendell · 12/05/2018 08:39

Would you apply that to me feeling sad that my DD had to go and get an STD test?

No, not at all.

Jesu · 12/05/2018 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 08:43

Jesu I wouldn’t apply this to you either. That is your daughter. You are a woman.

Is it really so bad that I don’t think he should have a say on abortion because he’s a man?

Just to reiterate, my issue isn’t that he is SAD for her, it’s that he’s assumed it’s distressing for her and has taken it upon himself to be upset that 1. He didn’t know 2. She chose to have an abortion.

And also, his really fucking low comment about me being anti-abortion. In my eyes, him saying that I didn’t chose to have an abortion in MY situation makes me anti abortion BASICALLY says I should have had an abortion because that is one of those ‘acceptable’ situations that abortion isn’t frowned up (obviously I’m not saying that, but that’s what it felt like to me)

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 12/05/2018 08:43

Hear hear, PeakPants.

And I think people are missing the implication of the dh's comment that is really upsetting the OP (or, perhaps more accurately, would if it were me) - her son is here and she has loved him and brought him up and he is voicing the assumption that she would not have had him if she had not been 'anti-abortion'.

immortalmarble · 12/05/2018 08:43

I would be worried if my DD went for an STI test in case she had an STI. I wouldn’t be sad about it.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 12/05/2018 08:44

OP, your post immediately above mine formulates what I was trying to say.

Lizzie48 · 12/05/2018 08:45

He's allowed to feel sadness about it, actually he can't help how he feels. At least he's not saying it to her. His sister had an abortion and he's only just found out. So he's processing it with you. The anti-abortion comment was bang out of order, but I suspect his real issue with you is that you kept it from him. You were right not to tell him, it was his sister's choice not to tell him.

At least he isn't angry with her about it, or judging her. My own brother would have made it all about him and how he'd lost a niece or nephew. But then everything is always about him.

Actually, it's the person who opened their mouth about it who you should be angry with. I would never want my brother to know anything personal about me.

user1457017537 · 12/05/2018 08:45

Op at 8.11 you said he’s the father! Did you mean this. WTF

RoadToRivendell · 12/05/2018 08:46

Jesu I was commenting on the generic 'abortion is sad' narrative that immortalmarble sketched out. How any one person might feel is a completely different matter.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/05/2018 08:46

Why is one ok to say and not the other? Genuinely don’t understand.

I suspect that's because the natural empathy we all usually have for a sibling or friend has, in this case, been totally usurped by the "No uterus, no opinion" stance.

And, frankly, the dehumanisation of that short sentence horrifies me!

Smeddum · 12/05/2018 08:46

Is it really so bad that I don’t think he should have a say on abortion because he’s a man?

Men shouldn’t be allowed to deny women access to safe, legal and non judgemental terminations. I absolutely agree. Men shouldn’t have control over what a woman does with her own body.

We cannot tell them they can’t have any feelings, especially if those feelings aren’t directed at a woman who has chosen a termination. If you’d said he’d had a massive go at his sister, or even that he’d been slightly judgemental, I’d have agreed that he was a dick.

As it is, you were dismissive and patronising and he responded with a below the belt comment which was bang out of line.