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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ludicrous abortion comment from DP

200 replies

WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 07:26

This was said last night, and honestly I’m furious. I don’t think it can be forgotten or forgiven :(

I had my first son as a teen, finding out when I was nearly 5 months pregnant, etc. Original plan had been abortion but I changed my mind, obviously.

Someone close to DP has had an abortion and he feels sad for her. I made a comment that I didn’t think he should feel anything about it particularly, as it was a choice she wanted/was happy with. He then said I was dismissing the distress an abortion can bring, and that ‘it’s clear you are actually anti-abortion, because otherwise you would have had one yourself’

I’m shocked because a) that was fucking spiteful b) I am nothing but pro woman

I said that obviously if it was her talking about it, I’d be all ears, but I don’t see the need to sit and speak to him about it as it has fuck all to do with him.

Not quite sure if it’s an AIBU, but I feel really down about it and just wondered if I’m being a little irrational about it? I don’t want to face him this morning.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/05/2018 08:47

Well, I’m out. I think I made a valid point as to WHY you may be feeling so strongly about what your DP said. As plenty of people on here have said, you are completely in the wrong to think he isn’t entitled to an opinion on his own sister’s abortion that others knew about and he didn’t.

If it’s patronising to point out a connection between your own trauma at 16 and your unwillingness to allow anyone else an opinion about their relative’s abortion, then so be it.

RoadToRivendell · 12/05/2018 08:47

Is it really so bad that I don’t think he should have a say on abortion because he’s a man?

Yes, it's impractical and futile.

Jesu · 12/05/2018 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/05/2018 08:47

She was being sarcastic user. She'd already said it was his sister, so it was another way of saying RTFT.

Original poster
WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 08:48

A little dramatic Jesu

Lots of people have STD tests, lots of people have STD’s. Luckily most of them are easily treated and don’t leave lasting effects. Some obviously are traumatic. Considering she didn’t end up having anything you’re being a bit OTT. Would you be upset that she had to have a blood test because she was tired all the time and she might be anaemic?

FWIW the same twat who knocked me up aged 16 did give me an STD (he was removing the condom during sex) My mum knew. She wasn’t sad. She called him disgusting and was upset that I had been involved with someone so vile. Not that I had to have the test.....

OP posts:
immortalmarble · 12/05/2018 08:49

It would have been a valid point if the thread had in any way been about that, Curly Hmm

As it was, it was extremely rude.

jellycat1 · 12/05/2018 08:49

He's entitled to his opinion as are you.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 12/05/2018 08:49

When I was in early pregnancy with dc3, having a huge wobble and considering termination (for context, this was a wanted baby but after lots of miscarriages, I had given up hope and begun to adjust to staying as we were and was completely blindsided by the pregnancy continuing and not a little scared), my dh (who - as became apparent later - really, really wanted the baby) said that he would support me whatever I decided but that he thought I would kick myself afterwards if I terminated. Nothing about him. All about me and my decision. He had a right to his feelings but not to impose them on me. That, I think, is the right approach for a man to take. (I didn't terminate and that was the right choice for me, us).

Storm4star · 12/05/2018 08:49

Is it really so bad that I don’t think he should have a say on abortion because he’s a man?

Yes!!! Can you really not see that??? As pp have said, he wasn’t saying this to his sister. He wanted to talk to you, his wife. Even if his feelings about her abortion were totally “wrong” he just wanted to express them and be listened to and you shut him down. Jesus Christ, we all have irrational feelings about some things sometimes, and who do you talk to about them if not your spouse? It doesn’t matter what he thought about it or why. But you can’t tell him he’s not allowed feelings about it.

NoYouDontHaveThat · 12/05/2018 08:50

A man shouldn't have any influence on how/where/whether a woman has a termination.

But you can't expect men to not have an opinion or emotions around the topic. What a fucking ridiculous idea.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/05/2018 08:50

his really fucking low comment about me being anti-abortion. Could he have been sad and angry because you have known for 5 years and not told him? Not that you should have, but he may feel excluded, or he may feel that it is an emotional burden neither you or his sister should have shouldered alone.

He is allowed to have conflicting emotions about this! I think most of us would!

Maybe your response was as unflinching as your posts here have been and he pushed back hard because his wife had chosen to insult him, dismiss him!

I hope you did acknowledge he has every right to be emotional about this, having been told by someone out of the blue!

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 12/05/2018 08:50

My own brother would have made it all about him and how he'd lost a niece or nephew.
^^ This. This is so often the problem with the general narrative, it’s all about the men and their feelings, not the feelings of the woman who would have had to carry and give birth to a child and change almost every aspect of their life to bring them up.

Blizzardagain · 12/05/2018 08:50

YABU. People have opinions on everything, stop trying to control that. You're being a dick. He's allowed to have thoughts and feelings about what ever the fuck he wants. Aslong as he appreciates the fact his sister didn't tell him herself so it's probably best to not share these thoughts with his sister. He probably felt safe in having a chat with his partner in his own home about it but you totally shot him down. Yes his comments were unreasonable but but it sounds like he was lashing out because you were being a dick when he was just trying to share with you. I doubt he planned on moping about it all day but now you've turned it into a huge thing.

immortalmarble · 12/05/2018 08:51

Jesu, I would be sad for my DD if some idiot cheated on her and upset her. I would be worried about her health and I would be relieved for her in your situation.

I would not in isolation be sad about the STI test. Ditto abortion. If my DD needed one we would sort it.

Love is about the other person and what they want.

Jesu · 12/05/2018 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrscaindingle · 12/05/2018 08:53

I initially thought YABU but I think it's the way you worded your post and didn't give us all the facts that mean you've been given a hard time on here.
It sounds as though you and your DP have differing views on abortion which can be difficult to overcome in a relationship as it's quite a fundamental difference. I would struggle to be in a relationship with a pro lifer as they would have very different views to mine. I also think no uterus no say, I know men will have opinions on this and that's fair enough but don't think they should be the ones making the laws or even voting on it as is happening in Ireland.

That photo of Trump and all his white, far right Christian, male chronies changing abortion laws in the US as the first thing he did in office was outrageous.

2andcountingtodate · 12/05/2018 08:59

Has he said that's why he feels sad for her? You said 'you believe' but has he stated it?

It's totally fine to feel sad or empathise with anyone about to have surgery. No one wants that whatever the surgery. I think it's not an enviable situation for anyone who has to make a choice over their pregnancy as it's stressful until the decision is made.

He's stupid to have made that comment and more ignorant than anything else though I get that it can sting. I am pro-choice which really shocked a friend of mine, she was surprised as I had miscarried and told me so.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/05/2018 08:59

For some people abortions are traumatic and some women carry the guilt with them for years.

2andcountingtodate · 12/05/2018 09:03

I can see why you are upset being called anti-choice. I am surprised though how this has never come up before in another way? I'm just surprised as most people I know don't get to a year in their relationship before most of their political and social belief are known to their partner.

So is he pro-life?

NataliaOsipova · 12/05/2018 09:04

In my eyes, him saying that I didn’t chose to have an abortion in MY situation makes me anti abortion BASICALLY says I should have had an abortion because that is one of those ‘acceptable’ situations that abortion isn’t frowned up (obviously I’m not saying that, but that’s what it felt like to me)

I honestly do think that's a step too far. He was making an unsophisticated argument - basically, because you didn't do x in y situation, you must be anti x in any situation. Which is clearly a bit crass and not well thought out. I really don't think you can infer from any of this that he's thinking you should have had an abortion. Honestly.

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 12/05/2018 09:07

mmm what he said was hurtful and inappropriate but at the same time yours was just as insensitive imho. Really in general i think people should avoid chatting about these type of things as more often than not opinions offend. I would leave it tbh.

Smeddum · 12/05/2018 09:11

In my eyes, him saying that I didn’t chose to have an abortion in MY situation makes me anti abortion BASICALLY says I should have had an abortion because that is one of those ‘acceptable’ situations that abortion isn’t frowned up (obviously I’m not saying that, but that’s what it felt like to me)

So not only are you telling him what to think, you’re telling him what he means when he speaks to you?

His comment was horrible, unnecessary and hurtful. But you’re adding arms and legs to it now.

Kintan · 12/05/2018 09:11

So the comment about you being anti abortion was a bit low, but so was you dismissing his feelings about his sister. You were both at fault here in a way. But I do think your reaction is out of proportion- instead of feeling like his comments can’t be forgiven or forgotten why can’t you discuss it with him and get to the bottom of both of your feelings? How long have you been together? We’re you his sister’s friend first? If this is a new relationship and you really can’t deal with his opinions on abortion (and you shouldn’t have to if they are fundamentally in opposition to yours), then best to go your separate ways I guess.

harlaandgoddard · 12/05/2018 09:21

I don’t see the issue OP. He is allowed an opinion on abortion.

I also decided not to have an abortion. I am pro-choice and completely agree with the law regarding abortions, I’d still be sad if my sister/friend had one. I wouldn’t voice this to them at all. While not every person is going to be sad about having an abortion, it’s not a good situation to be in. It’s not like he said anything to her.

His comment was out of order (and completely irrational) but so was yours.

TheVanguardSix · 12/05/2018 09:21

Tilting at windmills, OP.
Abortion is sad and he's allowed to have feelings about someone else's heartache.