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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ludicrous abortion comment from DP

200 replies

WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 07:26

This was said last night, and honestly I’m furious. I don’t think it can be forgotten or forgiven :(

I had my first son as a teen, finding out when I was nearly 5 months pregnant, etc. Original plan had been abortion but I changed my mind, obviously.

Someone close to DP has had an abortion and he feels sad for her. I made a comment that I didn’t think he should feel anything about it particularly, as it was a choice she wanted/was happy with. He then said I was dismissing the distress an abortion can bring, and that ‘it’s clear you are actually anti-abortion, because otherwise you would have had one yourself’

I’m shocked because a) that was fucking spiteful b) I am nothing but pro woman

I said that obviously if it was her talking about it, I’d be all ears, but I don’t see the need to sit and speak to him about it as it has fuck all to do with him.

Not quite sure if it’s an AIBU, but I feel really down about it and just wondered if I’m being a little irrational about it? I don’t want to face him this morning.

OP posts:
diddl · 12/05/2018 07:51

Why does he feel sad for her?

flapjackfairy · 12/05/2018 07:52

Men cant win can they really . He expressed a casual bit of empathy for a female friend in a tough situation ( commendable i would have thought ) to be shot down in flames and basically told to shut up !

WindsweptNotInteresting · 12/05/2018 07:53

Sorry, i agree with PPs here. Of course he can feel sad for her, you have no idea how women who have had abortions feel and you said yourself you considered abortion initially and then changed your mind. So in some ways he's right, you may have had one had you decided not to in the end. From what you've said here, he's not saying he thought you SHOULD have had one, just that it was a decision you could have made if that makes sense.

And many women make the decision to have an abortion for reasons that are out of their control at the time, it doesn't mean they're happy with it, just that it was the lesser of all the evils at that particular point in their life. So maybe he is sad that she feels she had to make that decision.

Original poster
WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 07:53

It was his sister. Not a female friend. She is also a very good friend of mine, and I supported her through it at the time (5 years ago)

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 12/05/2018 07:54

Well I guess I do disagree. I don’t think he should feel anything about it particularly, it’s nothing to do with him.

If you're so right and he's so wrong why are you seeking validation for your thoughts on a forum?

No one goes into abortion lightly. I would imagine it's a heart wrenching hell of a decision to make, so yes, your DH is right to show empathy and understanding. This comment is really beyond the pale as it was a choice she wanted/was happy with you have no idea if she was "happy" to make that decision or had no other options open to her.

What I don't understand is: people who freely discuss this level of intimate personal history with other people. I certainly wouldn't be chatting down the pub about abortions.

And what does this mean ??? I am nothing but pro woman

KinkyAfro · 12/05/2018 07:54

Jesus, he can have an opinion on whatever he likes, you're being ridiculous

Buggered · 12/05/2018 07:55

It was his sister? Wow. You are coming across as bloody controlling.

RedDwarves · 12/05/2018 07:55

You're only making yourself look worse with each subsequent comment.

Juells · 12/05/2018 07:55

Hang on - the DP's friend was years ago as well? The OP gave the impression this abortion had just happened, now the information is dripped that it was years ago? Can't get my head around any of it. Childish.

WindsweptNotInteresting · 12/05/2018 07:55

I also don’t appreciate him telling me that abortions are ‘distressing’, I’ve witnessed enough friends go through them (including this particular abortion) and came very close to having one myself. I don’t need it mansplained to me

freezerfoodyum · 12/05/2018 07:55

I agree with you op and I really dislike the hyperbole around abortions tbh.

Smeddum · 12/05/2018 07:55

I also don’t appreciate him telling me that abortions are ‘distressing’, I’ve witnessed enough friends go through them (including this particular abortion) and came very close to having one myself. I don’t need it mansplained to me

I think you’re seeing mansplaining where there isn’t any. Just because your personal experiences don’t fit with what he’s saying doesn’t mean he’s wrong.

A very close friend of mine had a termination and it was hugely traumatic for her. I was very sad for her because I care about her and hated seeing her in such distress.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 12/05/2018 07:55

Is he sad that she had to make a tough choice that may have had long term effects on her happiness or is he sad that she had an abortion, full stop?
The first view I would see as sympathetic, the second would really piss me off and I would see it as absolutely not his place to judge, given that he will never be in a position where he has to make that choice.

WindsweptNotInteresting · 12/05/2018 07:55

Oops, posted too soon! I don't understand then, surely you're on the same page?

WelcomeToGilead · 12/05/2018 07:55

Christ. he was only expressing sympathy!

I think regardless of your views, it’s clearly an unpleasant thing to go through isn’t it?

Calm down

Lethaldrizzle · 12/05/2018 07:56

He can't feel sad about his sister having an abortion?! On the grounds that he's a man Hmm

Original poster
WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 07:56

I’m sorry windswept at what point have I said ALL women are happy with having an abortion?

This is one case. In this case. Yes the abortion was a massive relief. Five years on she is happy she made that decision.

And you sound a bit silly. How does me deciding not having an abortion make me against it? That’s insane.

OP posts:
corcaithecat · 12/05/2018 07:57

You might be pro-woman but you're obviously not pro-man.
You're being ridiculous saying he can't have an opinion on it, especially as it was his sister.
Why do you think you're entitled to feel superior to him, on this matter?
I think you owe him an apology.

adaline · 12/05/2018 07:57

It was his sister?! Of course he's allowed to feel sad about it. Bloody he'll, he's allowed his own feelings on the situation.

And to PP's saying abortion wasn't distressing for them - that's great but it obviously is for a lot of people.

Luisa27 · 12/05/2018 07:57

Who on earth are you to tell him how to feel towards his sister’s situation? You’re being utterly ridiculous - and weird.

Neversayever · 12/05/2018 07:58

But you said you were going to have an abortion originally. So what he said wasn’t cruel in the slightest.

You sound pretty horrible to be fair.

Smeddum · 12/05/2018 07:58

You’re missing the point OP. He shouldn’t have said what he said in response to you, nobody that I can see is saying he should have.

But you are absolutely unwilling to consider his feelings, and I think that shows a real arrogance.

freezerfoodyum · 12/05/2018 07:59

And to PP's saying abortion wasn't distressing for them - that's great but it obviously is for a lot of people.

Yes but the ASSUMPTION that it is I find really patronising, and that's what the OP's DP has done. He has assumed.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2018 07:59

The remark about you being anti abortion because otherwise you would have one is absolutely fucking outrageous.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/05/2018 08:00

Woah! He is sad for his sister and you thunk he should fuck off with his opinions? You need a rethink, before he decides you are a truly controlling witch!

I agree with others that an abortion can be a bloody relief, mine was. But I would still expect that a few people felt sad for me having to make that decision and go through a termination. That's just a normal thought in such circumstances.

From what you have posted he hasn't made any comment on the decision, just that he felt sad for his sister. Yet you feel the need to play top trumps with your "very good friend of mine" - such ownership!!!

There must be more to this though. You now say she had an abortion 5 years ago... so what brought the conversation round to it?