Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Ludicrous abortion comment from DP

200 replies

WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 07:26

This was said last night, and honestly I’m furious. I don’t think it can be forgotten or forgiven :(

I had my first son as a teen, finding out when I was nearly 5 months pregnant, etc. Original plan had been abortion but I changed my mind, obviously.

Someone close to DP has had an abortion and he feels sad for her. I made a comment that I didn’t think he should feel anything about it particularly, as it was a choice she wanted/was happy with. He then said I was dismissing the distress an abortion can bring, and that ‘it’s clear you are actually anti-abortion, because otherwise you would have had one yourself’

I’m shocked because a) that was fucking spiteful b) I am nothing but pro woman

I said that obviously if it was her talking about it, I’d be all ears, but I don’t see the need to sit and speak to him about it as it has fuck all to do with him.

Not quite sure if it’s an AIBU, but I feel really down about it and just wondered if I’m being a little irrational about it? I don’t want to face him this morning.

OP posts:

2andcountingtodate · 12/05/2018 11:26

Jux I luckily had less of those when I miscarried but I think they are the grief vampires? They come out at any traumatic or sad time and they are so very draining. It's a shame you had so many.

Realistica · 12/05/2018 12:16

It feels like OP has read one too many feminist blogs and confused herself a little.

Smeddum · 12/05/2018 12:29

It feels like OP has read one too many feminist blogs and confused herself a little

I thought so too. And I say that as a feminist!

Rachie1973 · 12/05/2018 12:44

Smeddum
It feels like OP has read one too many feminist blogs and confused herself a little

I thought so too. And I say that as a feminist!

Yup. Agreed.

thecatsthecats · 12/05/2018 12:49

I also think that there is just so much lack of thought for her husband's feelings and personality.

It reads as if he's an abstract concept male, automatically ruled out of entitlement to consideration or sensitivity or even just a bit of licence to be a wrong, fallible human being.

My fiance and I had a brief, unheated discussion about the Warwick rape jokes case. My sister is a rape victim. We have different views. It didn't become an argument because we treated each other and our right to an opinion respectfully (though we did bicker with righteous anger about where we were up to in The Bridge).

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/05/2018 12:55

Well I have a womb and I would be sad if my sister had an abortion. Doesn't mean I wouldn't support her but yes I would feel sad that it was a decision she had to make ,( far better toot have fallen pregnant but sometimes these things happen) sad I had lost a niece or nephew, that my parents had lost a grandchild etc. A man can feel exactly the same, nobody but the woman can decide what to do but equally other people can't be told they have no rights to feelings. Maybe his response to you wasn't great but in the heat of the moment when someone has said something unpleasant or dismissive it is an instinctive reaction to say something hurtful back.

Guavaf1sh · 12/05/2018 13:01

YABU

Lizzie48 · 12/05/2018 13:12

I think if I found out that my DSis had had an abortion in the past, I would be sad that she didn't feel that she could talk to me at the time. I wouldn't tell her that, but yes I would be hurt. People are not automatons, they can't help how they feel.

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 13:50

be sad for yourself, don't be sad for someone else for something they are not sad about.
Its not that hard. Would you say about someone "I'm so sad for them they didn't have children" if they never wanted children? No, because you'd be a patronising dick. Same thing.

Lizzie48 · 12/05/2018 14:14

But no one can help how they feel. It's a case of thinking about what might have been under different circumstances. The OP's DP has only just found out, he is allowed to feel some sadness about it. He didn't tell his sister how he felt, he was just processing the bombshell in his own time. If he'd had a go at his sister, been judgemental, then of course he would have been a dick.

user1457017537 · 12/05/2018 14:15

Lotttie well they do say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 14:17

But no one can help how they feel. It's a case of thinking about what might have been under different circumstances

People can feel how they like, and not say it out loud. Not ever thought needs to be voiced. You can have feelings and not tell other people about them.

Jesu · 12/05/2018 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzie48 · 12/05/2018 14:24

He shared it with his partner, surely that's understandable? He didn't share it with his sister who had the abortion. It sounds like he's more upset about having been kept in the dark. I suspect that's the real bone of contention here.

Maybe with hindsight it would have been better not to share it with his partner. But we're all human.

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 14:27

He voiced it to his partner and was then utterly dickish of her experience of considering abortion and told her that her stance was the opposite of what it actually is.
Are you seriously suggesting he wouldn't have been better off keeping his thoughts to himself on this one?

Lizzie48 · 12/05/2018 14:32

Yes that was wrong, we all agree with that. But we all lose it occasionally. Sorry, I can't get worked up about that. As I said, I think he's upset that his partner kept it from him and lashed out.

With a brother like mine, for whom it's always about him, I don't think the OP's DP is all that bad. At least he does care.

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 14:32

Well then he shouldn't be upset about that. He had no business knowing about it, why would anyone have told him?

Jesu · 12/05/2018 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzie48 · 12/05/2018 14:45

Wow, myfriendbob no one should ever make any mistakes ever. No one is saying he handled it in the best way. He was hurt and lashed out, have you really never done that??

He should never have found out, but that's the other relative's fault, that's where the blame lies. But it happened, the OP's DP was upset and he reacted in the wrong way. But at least his sister doesn't know he responded that way and hopefully he'll have the sense not to say anything to her.

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 15:18

Wow, myfriendbob no one should ever make any mistakes ever. No one is saying he handled it in the best way. He was hurt and lashed out, have you really never done that??

I've never been hurt or lashed out that I didn;t know someone elses private business that was nothing to do with me, no. Why would I? He's a dick.

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 15:19

and even if you think that, then you should be agreeing with OP that he was wrong and should apologise, not telling OP she's wrong (she's not)

Lizzie48 · 12/05/2018 15:25

No, he clearly didn't react in the best way. But it was his sister, who he obviously cares a lot about, and he's allowed to be upset.

The blame lies with the relative speaking out of turn. And why, after 5 years? I'd be very upset if someone broke my confidence in that way

theduchessstill · 12/05/2018 16:19

I haven't got a lot to add because PeakPants said everything I wanted to say perfectly, but I just wanted to add to the YANBUs because I think this thread is pretty depressing. It's like people have deliberately misunderstood what you said, or are choosing to ignore many details. And the comment above about misunderstanding feminist blogs is just horrible .

Someone early on lauded this dp for showing some 'casual empathy', and that stood out to me. There's no such thing as 'casual empathy' imo. Empathy, by definition, is thoughtful. If you can't be arsed to think something through properly and find out what another person went through and how they felt about it, then don't bother to comment. It's not empathy if you just project your own views and feelings onto an event and then expect sympathy/attention because of how very sensitive you are. To then top it off with the comment he made about you being anti-abortion is awful.

I'm not surprised you're upset OP, or that it's made you see him in a new light.

PeakPants · 12/05/2018 17:42

I would have totally agreed with the paragraph in bold before I had mine, and equally I understand that many women are totallyhappy & relieved, but I think it some ways it’s just as bad to claim that it’s never traumatic as it is it claim it always is.

Nobody is saying that it's never traumatic either. It can be- it's a completely individualised thing. But I bet the constant message that you should feel guilt and regret doesn't help (that's not saying that the procedure in itself cannot bring on feelings of trauma). The point is it should always be a woman's choice about what she does to her own body. People should not be telling her what emotions she should and shouldn't be feeling. Especially not men, who will never need to go through it themselves. Lots of men in the Repeal the 8th debate telling women what to do, how to feel, how their bodies can be used. No thanks- I am really not interested in their

QuackPorridgeBacon · 13/05/2018 11:14

Yes!!! Can you really not see that??? As pp have said, he wasn’t saying this to his sister. He wanted to talk to you, his wife. Even if his feelings about her abortion were totally “wrong” he just wanted to express them and be listened to and you shut him down. Jesus Christ, we all have irrational feelings about some things sometimes, and who do you talk to about them if not your spouse? It doesn’t matter what he thought about it or why. But you can’t tell him he’s not allowed feelings about it.

^^ This.

Also wondering if you even like your husband at all? You are rude and dismissive. Everyone is entitled to feelings and an opinion whether you agree with them or not. The one person everyone should be able to talk to is their partner. Clearly not in your case though.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8