Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ludicrous abortion comment from DP

200 replies

WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 07:26

This was said last night, and honestly I’m furious. I don’t think it can be forgotten or forgiven :(

I had my first son as a teen, finding out when I was nearly 5 months pregnant, etc. Original plan had been abortion but I changed my mind, obviously.

Someone close to DP has had an abortion and he feels sad for her. I made a comment that I didn’t think he should feel anything about it particularly, as it was a choice she wanted/was happy with. He then said I was dismissing the distress an abortion can bring, and that ‘it’s clear you are actually anti-abortion, because otherwise you would have had one yourself’

I’m shocked because a) that was fucking spiteful b) I am nothing but pro woman

I said that obviously if it was her talking about it, I’d be all ears, but I don’t see the need to sit and speak to him about it as it has fuck all to do with him.

Not quite sure if it’s an AIBU, but I feel really down about it and just wondered if I’m being a little irrational about it? I don’t want to face him this morning.

OP posts:
Dahlietta · 12/05/2018 09:39

Is it really so bad that I don’t think he should have a say on abortion because he’s a man?

Having a say is not the same as having an opinion.

Quartz2208 · 12/05/2018 09:43

and that is the crux of it. No one other than the person who is pregnant should have a say in the choice she makes but others are allowed an opinion and to express them.

He has just found out and is processing

His comment though was below the belt

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 12/05/2018 09:44

I think you were wrong to say he shouldn't have a view on this. Clearly he does and he wants to share that with you. I think its fine for you to say many women are content with their decision to have an abortion.

He shouldn't have said you cannot be pro choice just because you didn't have an abortion yourself. Explain to him why those two things do not impact on each other in any way.

I think I would take this argument as a chance to discuss this subject in a mature way. I would not say any of this is anything to fall out about longer term.

immortalmarble · 12/05/2018 09:45

Abortion is sad if the person having one is sad about it.

Otherwise it is not, particularly.

crispysausagerolls · 12/05/2018 09:46

"Is it really so bad that I don’t think he should have a say on abortion because he’s a man?"

Unbelievably sexist.

Nearlyadad · 12/05/2018 09:48

Even if men “shouldn’t” have opinions on abortion, you can’t stop them, so it’s a ludicrous thing to suggest anyway.

Pro choice (if I’m allowed to say that) btw

crispysausagerolls · 12/05/2018 09:50

"Having a say is not the same as having an opinion."

Exactly! It's his sister for goodness sake. You sound like a dreadful girlfriend. Imagine if the OP was "I'm upset about XYZ that happened to my brother, and DH told me I am not allowed an opinion because I'm not a man". People would be saying LTB. It's so controlling and unempathetic of you. Just because YOU don't think he gets an opinion, doesn't make it right. At the same time you've gone completely mental at his comment. Wtaf.

junebirthdaygirl · 12/05/2018 09:58

There was a recent thread about a dm upset her dd was having an abortion even though she agreed with her choice. No one was saying its nothing to do with you etc. She got empathy. Your reaction to him was extremely cold and his below the belt response was not surprising.

Lethaldrizzle · 12/05/2018 10:05

I nearly had an abortion but didn't. However if someone now called me anti abortion because of that,, I'd shrug my shoulders because I'm not. I cannot understand the offence?

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 10:10

Who on earth are you to tell him how to feel towards his sister’s situation? You’re being utterly ridiculous - and weird

Who is he to tell OP she is "clearly anti abortion" when she obviously is not? Thats utterly ridiculous and weird, as is all the pp not getting that part.

OP is right, its not for him to feel sad for her, its patronising and assuming too much.,

Loonoon · 12/05/2018 10:32

I am so confused by people saying he shouldn't feel sad. My sister had an abortion over 30 years ago. It was the right thing for her to do. I was the only person who knew about it and I supported her throughout. But looking back I am still sad about it, I am sad she was so unhappy at the time, I am sad her boyfriend was such a selfish, unreliable jerk, I am sad that a potential niece or nephew wasn't born, I am sad she had to struggle with such a hard choice. Knowing she did the right thing doesn't change the feelings around it.

And of course men can have an opinion on the rights and wrongs of abortion. If the argument is that they shouldn't have an opinion because it's a choice they will never have to make you might as well say that infertile women or postmenopausal women have no right to an opinion (or in the case of Repeal the 8th, a vote).

Brendobfh · 12/05/2018 10:37

I agree with you OP. If she’s not upset, why should he be?

Abortion has become clouded in language of trauma and guilt- people automatically assume that having an abortion is a life-changing horrific act that stays with you forever and that a 'good' woman who has an abortion is left traumatised by it.

While I disagree totally with the OP's view on her husband's comment, I totally agree with this. I get terribly fed up with the assumption that it's traumatic.

I am absolutely pro-choice and went into my abortion thinking I was certain of my choice and that it wasn’t a big deal and everyone who said it was had their own political agenda. 16 months later I think about it and regret it every day. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and still can’t quite understand what the hell has happened to make me, who is still so pro-choice and so certain I don’t want children, so distressed about an abortion.

I would have totally agreed with the paragraph in bold before I had mine, and equally I understand that many women are totallyhappy & relieved, but I think it some ways it’s just as bad to claim that it’s never traumatic as it is it claim it always is.

I didn’t get help for a long time because I was so convinced there shouldn’t be anything wrong with me because it shouldn’t have been something I was upset about, because it was only pro-lifers trying to manipulate the argument who claimed women felt guilty & distressed.

iamthere123 · 12/05/2018 10:39

I am totally pro-choice. Think abortion should be normalised and not couched in flowery language. HOWEVER, if someone in my family had one I would feel sad (selfishly I know) for myself. Particularly if I was going to be an auntie. The rational side of me would know that it is better to abort than be forced to bring a baby into the world just because, the rational side of me would acknowledge that I actually have no opinion of the abortion of the baby and I wouldn't be sad for a baby that wasn't, but the selfish part of my brain would be wanting to be an auntie! I would hope that I could express my selfishness to the one person in my life that wouldn't judge me for my weakness; that would acknowledge my failings, but not comment on them; who would understand that I am imperfect, but love me anyway. Surely a decent partnership could do that?

thecatsthecats · 12/05/2018 10:42

It sounds like this is the first time the husband has been in close proximity to the issue. And even then five years after the fact.

Quite apart from being entitled to his own opinions and feelings, you are shutting out his ability to process and develop them - potentially into something you'd approve of!

The nuances of why this has upset you aren't the thing, IMO. You could be communicating those to your husband, but YOU shut him down first, and made the conversation one about freedom of speech and thought, not about abortion.

Do you think if you went to him now and told him why you reacted as you did and how it made you feel you'd be able to progress the conversation - and listen to and try and understand HIS feelings?

If not, there's your problem, and it has eff all to do with abortion.

Maelstrop · 12/05/2018 10:47

You must totally lack empathy, OP. Your DP is entitled to have feelings. Did you bother to find out why he was sad? Because he wanted to be an uncle? Because he felt sorry his sister had to go through a procedure that wasn’t nice?

I don’t get this whole men can’t have opinions on and it’s only to do with the woman because it’s her body. It’s also to do with the related guy, surely?

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 10:47

I would have totally agreed with the paragraph in bold before I had mine, and equally I understand that many women are totallyhappy & relieved, but I think it some ways it’s just as bad to claim that it’s never traumatic as it is it claim it always is

Nobody did, nobody even implied it. Why would having issues yourself change your knowledge that its not always a major trauma?

Storminateapot · 12/05/2018 10:56

He's not claiming he should have had a say in the decision made in either his sister or your cases. He's saying he has feelings about it. Feelings are allowed.

You yourself say you supported his sister through that time, which implies it was difficult for her at the time (or she would not have needed support). So for him to say he feels sad for her that she was ever in a situation where that decision had to be considered and made is totally reasonable. I imagine he knows his sister well enough to realise that might have been a difficult time.

I have a couple of friends who had abortions young and I supported them both through it. In each case the decision was right for them and neither has regrets. I do, however, feel sad that they had to face making that decision and following through with the procedure because I love them.

I think your assessment of the logical conclusion of what he said to you is a massive reach. I see absolutely no implication that he believes you should have aborted his stepson in that at all.

Brendobfh · 12/05/2018 10:57

Confused I didn’t claim it did, it’s in the very same line as the one you refer to -
I would have totally agreed with the paragraph in bold before I had mine, and equally I understand that many women are totally happy & relieved

Whatshallidonowpeople · 12/05/2018 11:02

But you did comment on it. You can't tell people how to feel. Clearly you have an issue with the friend. Is it an ex?

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 11:03

I would have totally agreed with the paragraph in bold before I had mine

But why wouldn't you still agree with it? Nowhere does it say that its not traumatic for some, only that it isn't for all.

Lizzie48 · 12/05/2018 11:03

Everyone is different. It's not for anyone to tell a woman how she is feeling after having an abortion. It depends on the circumstances; if the baby has a disability that's incompatible with life, that would be so traumatic.

Or if a woman is in an abusive relationship, she may well feel that she has no choice. Maybe her partner has forced her to get rid of the baby, maybe she would be trapped if she had the baby. The abortion would the right decision in those circumstances, obviously, but it may be that she actually wants to have a baby, but it's not an option. That would be really hard.

I often think back to when I had a baby as a teenager. It was a little boy and died. I was only 13 and thought I'd simply put on weight. But I do wonder what the decision would have been if I'd known earlier during my pregnancy. The right decision would have been to have an abortion, of course, it would have been upsetting, but so much less so than what I actually went through.

Other women find out early in the pregnancy and I can well imagine that they would simply feel relief that they're no longer pregnant.

It's not for anyone to tell women how they should be feeling. But sadness is allowed, we're human. If my DSis had to terminate a pregnancy, I'd support her all the way, but I would still be sad to think of what might have been.

Realistica · 12/05/2018 11:18

You sound pretty unbearable OP. If someone told me I wasn't allowed to feel sad for my sister having an abortion, I'd probably lash out at them too.

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 11:19

I don't think most of you paid attention to what was actually said.

Jux · 12/05/2018 11:20

I had a miscarriage and the worst thing was people (men actually) telling me how sad they were for me. Women never did that, some gave me a hug, some said sorry it happened, but men told me how upset they were and how much they cried and for how long, which made me never want to speak to them again. I did not want their fucking burden of sorrow on my shoulders as well as my own.

Rachie1973 · 12/05/2018 11:24

WomanEmpire
Is it really so bad that I don’t think he should have a say on abortion because he’s a man?

You keep saying this, but he's not tried to influence or persuade anyone to have one or not have one. He's simply expressed his sadness that his sister chose one.

You're a bit OTT about him having an opinion. Of course he can have a 'say' on abortion as a man, he just can't make a choice on it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread