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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ludicrous abortion comment from DP

200 replies

WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 07:26

This was said last night, and honestly I’m furious. I don’t think it can be forgotten or forgiven :(

I had my first son as a teen, finding out when I was nearly 5 months pregnant, etc. Original plan had been abortion but I changed my mind, obviously.

Someone close to DP has had an abortion and he feels sad for her. I made a comment that I didn’t think he should feel anything about it particularly, as it was a choice she wanted/was happy with. He then said I was dismissing the distress an abortion can bring, and that ‘it’s clear you are actually anti-abortion, because otherwise you would have had one yourself’

I’m shocked because a) that was fucking spiteful b) I am nothing but pro woman

I said that obviously if it was her talking about it, I’d be all ears, but I don’t see the need to sit and speak to him about it as it has fuck all to do with him.

Not quite sure if it’s an AIBU, but I feel really down about it and just wondered if I’m being a little irrational about it? I don’t want to face him this morning.

OP posts:

Original poster

WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 08:01

windswept sorry cross posted.

Well guess I am irrational then but I don’t believe his comments are because he’s sad she had an abortion I believe he’s sad because she chose an abortion. If that makes sense.

And to the PP that said talking about abortion was childish, I’ve known for 5 years and he hasn’t. He accidentally found out from another relative who shouldn’t of opened their mouth. Obviously I don’t feel comfortable talking about HER abortion with him because it wasn’t her talking about it. Hence why I said it’s nothing to do with him!

OP posts:

Aridane · 12/05/2018 08:01

YWBU and rude

adaline · 12/05/2018 08:01

I seriously don’t think he should have an opinion on it, it’s got nothing to do with what he decides.

He can have an opinion on anything he likes! Luckily we don't live in a society where we can't feel sadness for other people and their situations.

Who are you to decide what he's allowed an opinion on? Her abortion is entirely her business but he's still allowed to feel sad about it!

adaline · 12/05/2018 08:02

I believe he’s sad because she chose an abortion. If that makes sense.

But what's wrong with him feeling that way? Maybe he knew about the pregnancy and was excited about being an uncle, for example, or thinks his sister would be a great mum and is sad that it never happened.

Anyway, why he's sad about it is irrelevant. He's entitled to his own feelings on the matter.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 12/05/2018 08:03

You sound very controlling and trying to tell him what feelings and pinion she can hold is a red flag.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 12/05/2018 08:03

Wow I really don’t understand your stance on this op, and even less so now you’ve said it was his sister . Do you have a list of topics on which he’s not allowed to express an opinion lest it differs from yours??

adaline · 12/05/2018 08:04

X-post.

Maybe he's sad because he wasn't told for years and probably feels a bit betrayed that you knew, and other relatives knew, and he didn't?

TuTru · 12/05/2018 08:06

Was it his baby?

NewYearNewMe18 · 12/05/2018 08:08

Was it his baby?

I hope not - it was his sister who had the termination

RedDwarves · 12/05/2018 08:09

You said she struggled with it and wasn't happy about it at the time. It might be that 5 years on she is content with the decision, but that is with the benefit of hindsight and time. He is absolutely entitled to feel sympathy for her being in that situation in the first place and knowing that it was a decision she struggled with.

But evidently you're incapable of accepting that people here do not agree with you. No real shock there; your comments have been an insight into your personality.

WindsweptNotInteresting · 12/05/2018 08:10

I’m sorry windswept at what point have I said ALL women are happy with having an abortion

I didn't say that you said that at all. I responded to your original OP which didn't mention that it was his sister, that it was 5 years ago or that you knew her well and helped her through it, so I was going purely on what you wrote. And said that not all women are happy with their decisions, you just don't know what's going on in their lives and why they felt they had to make that decision.

And you sound a bit silly. How does me deciding not having an abortion make me against it? That’s insane

You said your DH said you would have had an abortion if you could have but that you didn't because you're anti abortion, and this is what you seem to have taken such umbrage to. I was merely pointing out that I didn't see why his comment was so terrible because it was an option you did consider ('that was the original plan')). Yet now you're fucking furious and don't know if you can come back from this. I'm just struggling to see how you can be so angry over his comment.

And I don't think it's me who sounds a bit silly here tbh.

midnightmisssuki · 12/05/2018 08:10

Sorry but YABU. It’s was his sister for gods sake. Have some understanding. He is also allowed to feel what he likes without you telling him how to.

Original poster

WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 08:11

TuTru yes he’s the father of his sisters baby.

Whatever I’m fighting a losing battle here, I will reflect on this, and no he doesn’t have to agree with me on everything but I think his sister CHOSING an abortion five years ago because she didn’t want to have a baby at that time, and is now happy with that decision, is not something he should be sitting there moping about, especially when it’s got nothing to do with sympathy.

Whatever happened to it being the women’s choice? Should we all just keep babies despite it making us eternally unhappy so that it doesn’t upset our brothers? Should we consult them first?

I believe he’s upset because he didn’t know, he doesn’t understand why she would want one (because she wanted one at that time isn’t a good enough reasoning clearly) and because I didn’t tell him.

OP posts:

Smeddum · 12/05/2018 08:11

Well guess I am irrational then but I don’t believe his comments are because he’s sad she had an abortion I believe he’s sad because she chose an abortion. If that makes sense

OP can you see the irony in accusing him of mansplaining (which when it actually happens is fucking infuriating) and then telling him how he’s feeling because you don’t agree that he feels how he says he feels?

And that last update was a massive drip feed. Someone told him (who shouldn’t have) and he’s just processing it, whereas you’ve known all along and expect him to just shut up about it?

Quartz2208 · 12/05/2018 08:12

Ok so he has just found out his sister had an abortion you knew and no one told him and you said basically it was nothing to do with him

He is allowed to feel sad for a moment, about the way he found out and to be honest he is allowed to feel sad she chose one, he can have a moment to mourn the niece or nephew he never had.

It strikes me as you are seeing this from a feminist/womens right perspective and that men should not have an opinion on abortion. Yes women have the right to decide what happens to their body it is their choice. But that doesnt mean men dont also have the right to have feelings linked to that choice about how it effects them.

He wanted to talk it through with his partner - not his sister. That is what partnerships should do.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/05/2018 08:13

Well, I'd be very cross that he's telling you that he knows, better than you do, what you think.

Secondary to that, his comment about your situation and opinion is idiotic, as you were so far along. This suggests he hadn't thought it through at all and it was a very flippant argumentative tactic - he was using your experience as material, of subsidiary importance to 'proving he is right' when disagreed with.

Further and more importantly, his comment denies the possibility that you are capable of complex thoughts and feelings - that you can hold a view on choice in principle and make a particular choice yourself, while fully supporting other people's different choices. He portrays you as a simpleton who can have only one simple response to any complex question.

The only thing in his favour, is his sense of empathy for his friend. Trying to empathise with people is a good quality.

But, as many people do, he is 'empathising' from his own position - literally placing himself in her shoes - which is very different from listening to her, trying to understand what she actually feels and believing her.

So, everyone is welcome to their opinion - about what they would do if pregnant and about abortion as a wider moral issue. So it would have been acceptable for him to say 'I think I would feel sad if I'd done that'. And 'I don't think she should have been able to do that as I'm anti-choice' if indeed he is (then whether being with someone with that view is ok with you is a another question).

However, what he is saying is that he doesn't believe that she, or you, know what you feel or think - about anything.

By projecting himself into your situations (and as a silly argumentative tactic which conveys that 'winning' is more important to him than understanding) he is saying that he knows better than you what you think.

This has relevance for #Webelieveyou as it's exactly the same mode of thinking that leads men to think they get to decide whether a woman was 'really' assulted, raped or abused, because they know better what might have happened, how she feels and what her words actually mean.

Original poster

WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 08:13

windswept are you reading what you are writing? Obviously I’m going to be upset being called anti-abortion, why does ME not having an abortion make me anti-abortion for everyone else?

OP posts:

adaline · 12/05/2018 08:15

You're making a huge mountain out of a molehill here.

His sadness is his business. He's absolutely allowed to feel sad about anything he wants, but that doesn't mean anyone else has to change their behaviour or actions.

Who has said anything about keeping babies to make other people happy? That's something you've concocted in your head, and not what he has said at all.

Original poster

WomanEmpire · 12/05/2018 08:15

RedDwarves where did I say she struggled with it? I said she wasn’t ‘happy’ obviously she wasn’t jumping for joy. But she didn’t struggle with it. YOU assumed that, the same way he assumed it was distressing.

OP posts:

Jamboree05 · 12/05/2018 08:15

Jesus Christ OP.

a) fucking massive drip feed here...

b) you have absolutely no right to tell him how to feel. It's his sister and if he's only just found out he needs five minutes to process it.

c) fucking massive thing to keep quiet from your husband. you supported his sister through an abortion and he has only just found out...? It's hers to tell I have no doubt but fuck me.

You sound like a controlling bitch. Back off the poor bloke why don't you!

Jesu · 12/05/2018 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Luisa27 · 12/05/2018 08:17

Well said @adaline

speakout · 12/05/2018 08:17

Can't we feel empathy for others OP?

Your are telling your OP he shouldn't feel for someone in a difficult situation.

You both sound well suited.

Spam88 · 12/05/2018 08:18

Ok, so after all your drip-feeding...YABU. If I found out 5 years on that my sister had had an abortion, and my DH had known and kept it all from me, I would be very upset - sad that she'd had to deal with making that decision, sad that she didn't feel she could talk to me about it, betrayed by my DH. And I think you can be pro-choice but also still feel sad about a pregnancy being terminated.

More generally though, he can have opinions on whatever the fuck he likes how do you even stop yourself having opinions? Yes, sometimes it's not your place to voice your opinions to the people concerned, but surely you should be able to voice them to your partner??

His response to you was pretty illogical, I couldn't personally get that upset about being accused of being anti-abortion, I'd just correct him 🤷‍♀️ I imagine he snapped because he's processing the fact that his sister had an abortion (which he considers a big deal even if she didn't), and having already kept it from him for 5 years you're now dismissing his feelings.

buzzlightyeah · 12/05/2018 08:19

As a woman who also had a child in my teens and having had people made comments about me being pro life I don't think YABU. He made a dickhead comment

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