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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove my son from a trip

188 replies

Alwayssearching · 11/05/2018 13:46

So he's due to go abroad with the school this summer.
He's been on the fence with his silly behaviour as to whether he is allowed to go.
Deposit paid.. If I pull him out. I get that back
However if I pay it all and then his behaviour doesn't improve the school stops him going. And no money is refunded. Its £400. Which I agree as they have to pay the holiday company.
However if we been in two minds whether to pull him or. Not due to his silliness and behaviour.
Today I get a call saying he's swallowed an elastic band for a dare.. Now im now thinking I can't trust him at all to go away..
He's known he's on a thin line to go and yet he's still done it.
Problem is I'm a soft touch and would feel bad him not going when he's always gone on every trip etc.. Maybe it will be a lesson learned tho.?

OP posts:
FullMetalRabbit · 11/05/2018 13:48

How old is he OP and is he aware that he may be pulled from the trip?

NightAndShiningArmour · 11/05/2018 13:49

How old is he, OP?

Smeddum · 11/05/2018 13:50

I suppose it boils down to can you afford to lose the £400 for nothing if he isn’t allowed to go.

If it’s just silliness rather than awful or naughty behaviour the school stopping him going seems extreme? (I know we don’t know the details)

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/05/2018 13:50

What do the school say. Isn't there a code of behaviour that he has to sign? Dd is going on a school trip soon and the teachers have specifically said that they will be sent home or not allowed to go at all if their behaviour isn't up to scratch.

StrikingMatches · 11/05/2018 13:52

Well if you do pull him out it will be a lesson he will remember for a very long time. For me it would depend on how remorseful he is about his behaviour. Do you think he honestly wants to behave but gets carried away by the crowd? Only you know the answer.

upsideup · 11/05/2018 13:53

That seems a bit extreme that the school would stop a child from going on a trip and make the parents miss out on £400 over silliness rather than really bad behaviour.
How old is he?

balsamicbarbara · 11/05/2018 13:53

However if I pay it all and then his behaviour doesn't improve the school stops him going. And no money is refunded.

Apply a bit of game theory to this. There are a few outcomes:

  1. He behaves and goes. You spend £400 (boo) and he has a nice time (yay). Score -1.
  1. He misbehaves and does not go. You spend £400 (boo) and he's upset (boo). Score -2.
  1. He behaves but you don't pay. You spend nothing (0) and he's upset (boo). Score: -1
  1. He misbehaves and you don't pay. You spend nothing (0) and he realises he can't really be upset (0). Score: 0

Best outcome is #4. Pull him from the trip now because no other outcome is any better.

TwitterQueen1 · 11/05/2018 13:55

Pull him out. He clearly can't be trusted to behave appropriately and needs to be taught a lesson. If he sees all his mates go off without him it might make him realise his behaviour has consequences. Don't be a soft touch OP - he'll never learn otherwise.

I'm guessing he's 11, 12, 13?

Original poster
Alwayssearching · 11/05/2018 13:55

He's 12. It's silly stuff and also stuff where he thinks he can do what he wants. I. E dont like a lesson.. I'll walk out. Refusal to do work if he thinks the teacher is horrible..
Were tried so much with behaviour reports, meetings etc, he improves then gets back in with a certain crowd then it goes downhill again. Being the class. Clown etc.

OP posts:
viques · 11/05/2018 13:55

What is the purpose of the trip? Is it related to curriculum content or is it mainly a jolly? If curriculum based I would be explaining to him that he can stay on the list to go, and you will pay the balance but if he gets booted off the trip because of his behaviour he will be paying back every penny of the cost.

If it's a jolly I would be pulling him off the trip now and telling him he needs to grow up and change his attitude or there will be no more trips of any sort unless he saves and pays .

SoupDragon · 11/05/2018 13:57

1. He behaves and goes. You spend £400 (boo) and he has a nice time (yay). Score -1.

How is that -1? Surely it’s 0

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 11/05/2018 13:58

It’s this type of silliness that means a teacher has to accompany him to hospital thereby cancelling a day trip to , then I would pull him out.

He’s basically proving he can’t be trusted to act anything other than the fool and you’re not wasting money on him trying to be the class clown.

Honestly it’s this type of stuff where I think a kid needs to actually have a proper negative consequence that they always remember otherwise short memories mean he’ll do something twice as daft in the near future.

SoupDragon · 11/05/2018 13:58

How long have you got until you can no longer withdraw him without losing the deposit?

TBH, I’d pull him now after the elastic band stunt though.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/05/2018 13:58

That seems a bit extreme that the school would stop a child from going on a trip and make the parents miss out on £400 over silliness rather than really bad behaviour.
How old is he?

Silliness can be just as bad . Depending on the activities they are doing, anything that could distract the others or mean that they don't fully hear the instructions could he dangerous.

Plus there won't be the staff rations to afford one to be dealing with having to baby sit a kid all the time or remove them periodically.

But yea it depends on age and who else is going. If the friends he a showing off too aren't going it could all be ok anyway

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 11/05/2018 13:58

As an aside, the thought of swallowing an elastic band is making me feel quite odd Confused

viques · 11/05/2018 13:59

Just read your update. in view of that level of behaviour I am surprised the school is agreeing to let him go. I would not want to be responsible for a child with that attitude, especially in a situation abroad where a parent could not be called to take him home within a couple of hours.

He needs a wake up call. Ask for your deposit back.

Original poster
Alwayssearching · 11/05/2018 13:59

Like the school explained they have to pay the holiday company so they can't get the money back
He's also been getting into fights occasionally..
The money isn't the main issue as such. Whilst it's not that I can't afford it. It would still be a piss off of it was lost as it could of been spent in other things.
It's infuriating as sometimes he's so good it's hard to believe he's like it.
He's never really settled into secondary school since Sept for some reason

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 11/05/2018 13:59

I think at 12 it’s the perfect lesson to teach him that there has to be some give and take, and at the moment he’s all take take take.

Original poster
Alwayssearching · 11/05/2018 14:02

I have until Fri to decide.
The trip is to France. For curriculum but also going to Disney for A day. So bit of both.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 11/05/2018 14:02

So actually quite a lot of bad behavipur then. Sad I'd pull him out.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/05/2018 14:02

In light of your updates I wouldn't send him.

But tbh he sounds very insecure and desperate for people to like him or notice him. I would worry he'd do something dangerous to impress and seriously hurt himself so I'd keep him home.

But perhaos I'd take him for a trip woth just you and him maybe trying to get to the bottom of why he's acting this way and spend sone time together talking

WinkysTeatowel · 11/05/2018 14:03

balsamicbarbara I think that's a bit harsh, OP has already committed to the trip so I'd score slightly differently...

  1. He behaves and goes. You spend the £400 you had budgeted (meh) and he has a nice time (yay). Score 1.
  1. He misbehaves and does not go. You spend £400 for nothing (boo) and he's upset (boo). Score -2.
  1. He behaves but you don't pay. You spend nothing (+1) and he's upset (boo). Score: 0
  1. He misbehaves and you don't pay. You spend nothing (+1) and he is upset (unjustified but still the case). Score: 0

The best outcome is 1 surely.
However I'd show him the likely options and ask why you should go for the 1/4 that has a positive outcome.

LadyFlangeWidget · 11/05/2018 14:04

He mustn't go. Imagine he swallows a band on the trip. In France. Imagine that phonecall you have to take. No Way.

fourandnomore · 11/05/2018 14:04

Sounds like you need to pull him from the trip if he has already been warned and has still done the elastic band thing. Do you think he wants to go on the trip? Does he fully understand the cost/consequences etc? It could be the only way his behaviour improves.

Bubblysqueak · 11/05/2018 14:05

Personally I don't see walking out of lessons, refusing to work or fighting as being silly. It is very poor behaviour and I wouldn't want to be taking a child who would behave like this on a trip. It could be dangerous depending on the activities they are doing if he refuses listen or wants to be the class clown.

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