To remove my son from a trip

[Alwayssearching]

So he's due to go abroad with the school this summer.
He's been on the fence with his silly behaviour as to whether he is allowed to go.
Deposit paid.. If I pull him out. I get that back
However if I pay it all and then his behaviour doesn't improve the school stops him going. And no money is refunded. Its £400. Which I agree as they have to pay the holiday company.
However if we been in two minds whether to pull him or. Not due to his silliness and behaviour.
Today I get a call saying he's swallowed an elastic band for a dare.. Now im now thinking I can't trust him at all to go away..
He's known he's on a thin line to go and yet he's still done it.
Problem is I'm a soft touch and would feel bad him not going when he's always gone on every trip etc.. Maybe it will be a lesson learned tho.?

Lol @DragonMummy1418

Yep, we went to Dovedale!

He's 12. It's silly stuff and also stuff where he thinks he can do what he wants. I. E dont like a lesson.. I'll walk out. Refusal to do work if he thinks the teacher is horrible..
Were tried so much with behaviour reports, meetings etc, he improves then gets back in with a certain crowd then it goes downhill again. Being the class. Clown etc.

Pulling the trip is absolutely the right thing to do. I'm glad you've see that.

Trips are supposed to be rewards for hard work and effort. He isn't showing these things to you or the school, and he's pinning his poor choices on others. Sorry, but no.

And why should school staff have to deal with children who behave in that manner on an optional school trip.

Maybe pulling it will make him see that he needs to change and make better choices. THis is entirely on him. Make sure he realizes that and talk about what he needs to do to go on a trip next year.

@DragonMummy1418

The amount of people who would 'come down hard' or punish their kid is astonishing - maybe asking what is wrong and talking to them is a good idea... they are people with feelings just the same as anyone else and deserve to be heard and understood.
All of our behaviours always has a reason.

....and sometimes the reason is "I like doing it and there are no consequences, so why not?"

Good call. I think you did the right thing.

Dragon Mummy has the right idea I think.
So much has been made of the rubber band. If you are 12 and a group of your peers are egging you on to do something, telling you its a marvellous idea, you are probably not going stop to think "I will now deliberately do this in order to get punished" He didn't think at all. Just acted. What happened? did he choke? that's probably enough to make him not want to do it again.
Why don't you talk to him about this and see whether he actually regrets it or thinks it was a bad experience, or whether he thinks its funny and would do it again for a laugh. That should give you a clue. If he's learned something and realises it was daft, you will have a better idea of how far you can trust him. People are saying he might run off on the trip - no evidence of that.

What does "you can't be trusted" actually mean to a 12 year old. How do they know what it is you specifically want them to do/not to in order to put it right. A lot of children struggle with this because its not clear what the specific expectations are, they are just drowning under a drip feed of criticism. You mentioned these behaviours

1. homework - an afterschool detention
2. fights - discussion with the school as to what actually happened and why, - some form of appropriate action near the time of the incident. Schools have policies on how to deal with this.
3. walking out of class - discussion with the teacher/ the head - what happened and why. How can it be prevented in future? Clear guidelines to him as to why he can't do that and consequences if he does. Drawing up a specific clear set of behaviour goals he can understand and specific appropriate consequences if he doesn't follow him. Why not focus on this instead of blanket ban of the trip. I don't see how that helps you solve any of the above. and after the trip what then? The problem is magically solved? The trouble with grand guestures is that you have to keep upping the ante.. what's going to be a fitting punishment next time? Only you, your son and the school know what the trip arrangements are and whether he should attend or not. If he doesn't attend, it shouldn't be as a punishment, but because its not appropriate.

School trips to France are totally a jolly. The "curriculum" content is basically "look, language being used by people, also, Paris," which is not exactly mission critical. He'll not miss anything important if you pull him.

Being a parent can be so difficult.

You are right to stop him going on the trip for all the reasons that pp have mentioned. You can’t trust DS to behave himself which means that he could put himself or others in danger.

I think having a week apart from the badly behaved friends could be good for him and the punishment will hopefully make him grow up a bit.

No way would I allow him to go. The elastic band dare sounds like the tip of the iceberg.

I'd pull him from it, on the ground that the elastic band thing has shown he can't be trusted. the school staff going with him will probably give a sigh of relief, he learn a lesson ( well, he'll be punished up to him whether he decides to behave) you draw the line in the sand and save £400.

I think you have made the right call. It sends a message that he needs to change his behaviour , and may be his friends, before you are willing to pass on responsibilty for his safety and wellbeing to others.

I'd have pulled him from the trip as soon as he was warned about his behaviour and it didn't immediately improve. Imo it sounds like the situation needs further resolution beyond just cancelling the trip - his ongoing behaviour sounds unacceptable.

Well done op, you made the right call.

Also, don't buy into the hanging around with the wrong crown BS, I said exactly the same as a teenager. It wasn't the crowd, it was all me saying exactly what I knew my parents wanted to hear.

Sometimes Duckbill children have to stop and think and at 12 he should be old enough to do that. A couple of weeks ago I was at an activity weekend with 24 girls aged 7-10. When the fire alarm went off at 2:30 in the morning and those poor girls along with 400 other people were stood outside, freezing cold in their pjs I would have been extremely grateful had the 'class clown' who had set the alarm off as a harmless prank, had been left at home instead of being allowed on the trip.

I have told him the trip is cancelled, his first reaction was ' so' but its now sunk in and he looks deep in thought.

This sounds like the best outcome you could have hoped for, really. He's clearly not alarmed by it but is taking the opportunity to do a bit of growing up fingers-crossed!

Swallowing an elastic band = stupidity silliness

Walking out of lessons, refusing to work, getting into fights = bad behaviour

I would explain you cannot risk losing the £400 and he had his chance. Explain you also can't trial him behaving that away abroad.

I'd also try and get to the bottom of why he's behaving this way if it's a new behaviour.

This is how children learn.

No it bloody isn't. Most children do not need to deliberately swallow an elastic band to learn that they shouldn't be doing that.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Let the teachers deal with it.

thanks a fucking bunch, how about you deal with it and the teachers and other children get to have a nice time.

Good on you for pulling the trip.

A kid that wanders off at will, does dangerous things for a laugh, messes and doesn't follow instructions isn't one that should be brought to a foreign country. He is highly likely to ruin activities for others and cause stress that the teachers really don't need. It's a huge responsibility to take that many children away.

DragonMummy1418

All of our behaviours always has a reason.

Sometimes that reason is because all people are allowed to do is talk to the child, no actual consequences for their actions until they meet someone that they piss off enough that they get snot beaten out of them.

thanks a fucking bunch, how about you deal with it and the teachers and other children get to have a nice time.

Such a ridiculous post, isn't it. God forbid a parent be expected to parent... let's just pass them on to the person taking scores of kids abroad, who will probably be sleep deprived, stressed to all hell and trying to manage a million things at once. I'd think it makes more sense for a parent to take responsibility for their one child, but what do I know eh...

You made the right call. If he'd gone, there would be a high probability of a hospital bill or extra plane ticket when you or your h would have to pick him up early.

It took over a year for me to settle at high school, and even after that I wasn't truly happy, in my situation or myself, until 6th form. That first year is a huge transition for kids, and boys IME tend to take it much harder (I'm an ex secondary teacher with pastoral responsibility for Year 7 and transition). I've had mothers on the phone utterly mystified as to why their previously hardworking angel has suddenly become a complete goon and is barely completing their work. It's primal - they're working out who the alphas and betas are. Have you ever watched a colony of gorillas on telly or in a big enclosure at a zoo? Constant power struggles between the males. Antagonisation. And those colonies can take years to settle into a pattern. It's weirdly similar with Year 7 boys. They tend to settle just as the girls' hormones start raging, and the fun just goes on and on...

Having just written a long detailed risk assessment for students just like this, I'd say pull him out. As people said we have -student X's behaviour is unacceptable. Student will be withdrawn from activity. Additional member of staff attending to supervise. If student's behaviour is unacceptable they will be repatriated (cost to be met by parents) accompanied by a member of staff. Funnily enough, two of the boys are no longer attending.

Firstly, have you sought advice regarding the swallowed rubber band? I would be calling 111 for advice and I’m VERY laid back about such things.

Secondly, and I say this very gently, is this new or has your baby possibly given him the urge to seek attention? 12 is a tricky age and lots of boys are still very immature.

Thirdly, if this doesn’t improve quite sharply I would consider moving him to a different school since he has made such a poor start ( though they sound very accommodating).

Lastly, like so many pps have pointed out, this really isn’t just silly behaviour. Walking out of lessons and being significantly disruptive is very poor indeed and needs urgent action with staff and parents all on board. I wish you luck, I had my own one of these.