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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To remove my son from a trip

188 replies

Alwayssearching · 11/05/2018 13:46

So he's due to go abroad with the school this summer.
He's been on the fence with his silly behaviour as to whether he is allowed to go.
Deposit paid.. If I pull him out. I get that back
However if I pay it all and then his behaviour doesn't improve the school stops him going. And no money is refunded. Its £400. Which I agree as they have to pay the holiday company.
However if we been in two minds whether to pull him or. Not due to his silliness and behaviour.
Today I get a call saying he's swallowed an elastic band for a dare.. Now im now thinking I can't trust him at all to go away..
He's known he's on a thin line to go and yet he's still done it.
Problem is I'm a soft touch and would feel bad him not going when he's always gone on every trip etc.. Maybe it will be a lesson learned tho.?

OP posts:
Sparklyglitter · 12/05/2018 18:16

Don’t think twice pull him from the trip!

Teacher22 · 12/05/2018 18:16

To be honest I think the money and the ‘punishment’ elements of this decision are subsidiary to the safety element. If your son is constantly silly to the extend he would swallow a rubber band there is no way he is going to be safe on a trip where the teachers’ attention is going to be taken up with many other children. My husband was an education correspondent for a national paper and you would not believe the number of accidents, injuries and even fatalities which happen on school trips and not because the teachers were at fault either.

Teacher22 · 12/05/2018 18:16

Sorry, extent, not extend.

GreenTulips · 12/05/2018 19:20

I'm more concern how you are minimising his actions as silly.

His actions are ruining the education for the rest of the class.

Your child takes up pressious teaching time.

You need to stop and take this seriously and it isn't about the trip!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 12/05/2018 20:46

I've been thinking about this, and I think it's pretty clear that there are two issues at play here. Firstly, the trip, and I can see (for safety reasons if nothing else) that pulling him is the right thing to do. But more importantly is the reason he is behaving like this. I did a lot of stupid things at secondary age. A lot of it was trying to cope and fit in. I hadn't found "my people", desperately wanted to be liked, but didn't know who I was. If he wasn't like this at primary, and this is a new thing, you really need to work at getting to the bottom of it. I don't condone the behaviour at all, but he really really needs you to keep loving him in the midst of it.

GriseldaChop · 12/05/2018 21:50

Hi, another teacher here who’s organised lots of trips to France! I think you’re doing the right thing, I know if it was my trip I wouldn’t be able to take him because of the risk that that kind of behaviour carries. I’ve always hated having to put students off the trip for bad behaviour so I’m sure his school will really be grateful of your support. It’s a huge lesson for him and you never know, there’s always next years trip!

GreenTulips · 12/05/2018 21:55

But more importantly is the reason he is behaving like this

He's immature? Attention seeking? Following rather than leading? Being goaded? Wrong crowd?

GeorgeTheHippo · 12/05/2018 21:59

I would bet my mortgage this OP will send this lad on the trip in the end.

Juells · 12/05/2018 23:01

Depressingly, the same thought had crossed my mind :(

Ruffian · 12/05/2018 23:21

The school have said to OP that her ds can go if his behaviour improves so if they're prepared to take that chance it hardly requires a 'sad face' if the parents decide the same. They actually know him after all, you don't. Hmm

masterchef98 · 13/05/2018 00:14

Cancel the trip. Walking out of a classroom, refusing to work, fighting and eating non-edible objects is not silly behaviour it is downright disrespectful and rude to his teachers and classmates. I'm pretty lenient and not a massive fan of punishments and threats but for me this is absolutely unacceptable behaviour and I would be sitting down with my son to tell him that and work out what he was going to do about improving. He would be told that as he doesn't show respect for his teachers I would not be able to accept him going abroad with them.

Northernlassie1974 · 13/05/2018 08:49

You are 100% doing the right thing not letting him go.

In agreement with a pp, it’s more about safety than punishment. As a teacher who has done countless day trips but never a residential, it is sooooo stressful making sure all children are safe at all ones and an overwhelming responsibility. If children can’t demonstrate consistently in school that they can conform and follow instructions, you cannot be confident that they will on a trip...risks are countless, getting lost, injuring themselves and others or worse. It DOES ruin the experience for everyone else as well! In high school I went on a trip to Austria. Two girls managed to wander off and somehow accepted drinks from men and ended up halucinating and fitting infront of us all, it was horrendous, they were ok in the end but had to go to hospital and we all were traumatised. I can’t even imagine how awful it must have been for the teachers! Granted, we were older than your son, 15/16, but not following rules has potential for disaster.

As an aside, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, your opening post where you describe the behaviour as ‘general silliness’ is part of the problem. You are minimising your sons behaviour, he too will get this message which won’t help communicating to him the seriousness of it.

Honestly, I’ve rarely come across a parent who actually accepts their child’s behaviour is bad without excusing it in some way, often blaming influence of peers.

Please don’t do that, please explain to your son that it is HIS behaviour, no one else’s, and HE is choosing not to be respectful and follow school rules.

As an aside, I ALWAYS look for reasons for children’s behaviour, there is always a reason for bad behaviour HOWEVER, this does not EXCUSE the behaviour, rather EXPLAIN it. Consequences are still needed no matter what the need. Once the reasons are understood, work can be done to try to unpick it and to improve it.

However, whatever the reason, it is NEVER resolved by parents not addressing the behaviour or not communicating to the child that their behaviour is wrong. Consistency of approach between school and home is always a first step, letting ‘teachers deal with it’ as a pp suggested, is never helpful!

MaisyPops · 13/05/2018 08:55

Walking out of a classroom, refusing to work, fighting and eating non-edible objects is not silly behaviour it is downright disrespectful and rude to his teachers and classmates.
I agree.
Rude, disrespectful, has zero regards for the rules, thinks he is above the rules, deliberately engages in risky and unsafe behaviour.
I wouldn't be willing to take him on any residential trip if I was running it. It's too good an opportunity for the well behaved students for me to jeopardise their experience for a boy who can'r behave in school.

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