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AIBU?

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Original poster

To remove my son from a trip

188 replies

Alwayssearching · 11/05/2018 13:46

So he's due to go abroad with the school this summer.
He's been on the fence with his silly behaviour as to whether he is allowed to go.
Deposit paid.. If I pull him out. I get that back
However if I pay it all and then his behaviour doesn't improve the school stops him going. And no money is refunded. Its £400. Which I agree as they have to pay the holiday company.
However if we been in two minds whether to pull him or. Not due to his silliness and behaviour.
Today I get a call saying he's swallowed an elastic band for a dare.. Now im now thinking I can't trust him at all to go away..
He's known he's on a thin line to go and yet he's still done it.
Problem is I'm a soft touch and would feel bad him not going when he's always gone on every trip etc.. Maybe it will be a lesson learned tho.?

OP posts:
lljkk · 11/05/2018 18:38

I have made my kids pay a big chunk of the cost in such situations before. Refunded if they successfully went on trip.

GummyGoddess · 11/05/2018 18:40

I would not let him go because I would be too worried about what he would do. I would be anxious that he would do something stupid on a ride at Disney and end up seriously hurt, he doesn't sound like he has the ability to evaluate his decisions yet. There was a boy like this in my year 8 DT class, he was dared to cut through a live power cable and he did! Massive electric shock. He also threw a burning hot soldering iron at me and threw paint all over the floor (all separate occasions) because he was bored.

Honestly I would be thinking about moving schools so he can make a fresh start as well.

Iluvthe80s · 11/05/2018 18:44

Could he have adhd ?

CPtart · 11/05/2018 18:51

I have a 12 year old very sensible (mostly) DS who is going to Germany with the school for a week and I'm apprehensive. If he'd been so foolish as to be swallowing elastic bands to impress others there's no way he'd be going. I'd be worried for his safety playing the idiot so far from home.

ScattyCharly · 11/05/2018 19:00

Frankly I’d be too scared to let him go if he does stuff like swallowing elastic bands. He could really harm himself badly. You could use the summer and the money to get him some sessions with an appropriate professional (not sure what kind sorry).

Claire90ftm · 11/05/2018 19:51

I really don't think he deserves to go. Walking out of the classroom and refusal to do work are no small things. And at 12 he should not be swallowing elastic bands. Imagine what else he'll do on a dare. Perhaps sneak out whilst on the trip and then maybe get kidnapped in a foreign country? That would be terrible, but I can imagine that being the sort of thing he'd do (based on what you've already said). Pull him from the trip. The softer touch you are (i.e. no consequences) the worse the rod you are making for your own back. He won't get any better unless you show him you're willing to follow through with punishments, in fact he'll only get worse and more wilful as time goes on. Trust me, I've seen it.

Claire90ftm · 11/05/2018 19:55

Well done for pulling him from the trip, OP. You did the right thing =]. I hope that he realises his actions have consequences.

GreenTulips · 11/05/2018 20:06

If student's behaviour is unacceptable they will be repatriated (cost to be met by parents) accompanied by a member of staff

They do this at the kids school.

Some have been sent home having a parent collect them. Would you risk it?

Also how is he doing academically?

Biscwit · 11/05/2018 20:45

I agree his behaviour in later in posts is dangerous and unacceptable, however I don’t really see why swallowing an elastic band is classed as such bad behaviour it warranted a phone call home. Do the school treat all misbehaviour the same, as I can see that maybe he thinks that he’ll get bollocked regardless of the level of behaviour so he may as well go all out and be extra naughty.

Biscwit · 11/05/2018 20:47

@ScattyCharly

What terrible damage would swallowing an elastic band cause? Surely he’ll just poo it out??

Smeddum · 11/05/2018 20:48

Elastic bands can (and have) got caught up in the digestive tract, twisting and catching on various parts and causing blockages and serious damage. It is a very dangerous thing to do.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 11/05/2018 20:51

I was given the responsibility of watching over a teenager for a small period on a day trip. Whilst some of the children were well behaved and needed minimal attention - this child needed constant supervision and I struggled and was very relieved when my time was over. The decision to allow him to come was made based on a slight improvement on his general day-to-day behaviour.

It was the wrong decision and we ended up cutting the trip short and returning early. The child was very over excited and acting irresponsibly. He only got worse as the day progressed.

It was unfair to the mostly well behaved other children, the staff and other adult volunteers. It was very stressful and led to future trips having extra adult helpers and some staff driving in their own cars (so children could be returned home early if necessary and not disrupt the whole day for everyone else).

This was a day trip. I can't imagine how difficult a trip abroad would be.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 11/05/2018 21:04

I teach teens and have done for many years. I would not take your son on any trip I was running abroad.

He cannot be trusted to do as he is told, which makes him a risk to everyone else in the group. What he and you consider 'silly' can pose a real danger. If he does not like someone, or doesn't want to do something, he walks off or refuses to follow instructions.

I would not take any 12 year old to France knowing they might decide they wanted to stay longer on the rides at Disneyland and wondering if they were going to run away from me or fail to turn up on time at the meeting point.

It would be a complete nightmare for staff and I'm not prepared to be in loco parentis, particularly abroad, to anyone who only does as they are told if they feel like it.

viques · 11/05/2018 21:30

I think you have made the right decision, but please, for his sake don't go back on it and say he can go, that would just reinforce his view of you as a soft parent who can be talked into and out of situations as he wants. He needs to know that actions have consequences.

Lougle · 11/05/2018 23:02

I feel for him. And you. But there is a dead 12 year old in the news, because she decided to start sniffing deodorant. A beautiful, funny, popular young girl, dead, because she started 'gooning around'. These young children need their parents, teachers, people around them to put on the brakes for them, even if they can't do it themselves. They need someone to say stop. Too far. Over the line. They do scare themselves, and do need to be rescued from themselves.

Sometimes they need to hear us say that we aren't there to be their friends, but to be their parents (my DD2 just loved me for saying that this week Hmm) and that means being willing to be unpopular with them, but faithful to them.

Tell him he isn't going. Tell him why. Stick to it, even if his behaviour improves in the very short term. He will thank you for it later.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 11/05/2018 23:11

Op, how old is your baby? Could DS be jealous which is causing him to play up?

Coyoacan · 11/05/2018 23:54

Also, don't buy into the hanging around with the wrong crown BS

It does sound quite dubious. I remember someone commenting that they had never parents who said their child was the bad influence.

But that is by-the-by. I would be seriously concerned if my child were that easily influenced. I had a difficult dd, but the one reassuring thing about her character was that I knew she would never do anything against her wishes just to keep in with her friends. I knew that if she took drugs, etc. she would do it because she wanted to.

I would keep a very close watch on such an easily influenced young man if I were his mother.

shakeyourcaboose · 12/05/2018 00:13

@matildathecat and @smeddum the band has been my first thought too! Has he passed it OP?

emmyrose2000 · 12/05/2018 07:21

dont like a lesson.. I'll walk out. Refusal to do work if he thinks the teacher is horrible
As many others have said, this isn't "silliness". It's rude, selfish, bad behaviour.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff: If he's silly as you suggest - why deprive him of an opportunity to try to grow out of it.Let the teachers deal with it. He will be one of many and his "sillyness" won't impress any of them. Meanwhile you get a break
What an utterly stupid and irresponsible attitude. You seriously think it's okay for the other students and adults on the trip to be penalised by missing out on their planned activities whilst the teacher is dealing with OP's disobedient child who has decided to walk off/hide/do some other stupid act?

I've chaperoned more school trips than I care to remember. Only one really sticks out in my mind - and for all the wrong reasons. One boy took off during a museum trip. This resulted in five adults and approximately 25 children having to stop their activity and wait around whilst we located this boy. Why should all those kids have to have missed parts of their trip (which was tied to curriculum) all because one child doesn't know how/refuses to behave properly? In this child's case, it turned out his parents had no regard for proper behaviour either, and nor did his siblings.

I would be absolutely LIVID if I found out that my child had had part of their trip, especially an expensive overseas one, curtailed in any way due to the actions of a badly behaved, rude child especially if that child had a history of behaving this way.

What if the op pulls him from the trip, he doesn't go, his mates have an amazing time & this plunges him into deep depression?? Sends him spiralling into horrible mental health issues
Oh please. Children miss school trips for all sorts of reasons (including misbehaviour) every day of the week. I've yet to hear of any spiraling into MH issues because of it.

snewname · 12/05/2018 08:18

He has the opportunity to turn this around. It's up to him now isn't it.

123coco · 12/05/2018 17:39

As an ex-teacher myself, I would be absolutely terrified if a child had swallowed an elastic band in my care !!! It is a huge responsibility and you really feel that responsibility you are often looking after many children not just to me through your hotel and your eyes can’t be everywhere at once. Personally put the second of the child and the pressure of the others I’m afraid I would say no it is a huge responsibility and you really feel that responsibility , you are often looking after many children not just your own at home and your eyes can’t be everywhere at once. Personally I think child Shouldn’t go for its own sake and the for the pleasure of the others ! And that does come from personal experience . And some children cannot grasp the future so far in advance and the consequences of their behaviour They don’t have the inner the control to be able to project that far ahead , and I mean the next 10 minutes !! Or even less in some cases never mind weeks. Even if it’s just silly behaviour exaggerated by being even more excited to be on holiday could pose real danger and risk to other children , as well as themselves.

Angelil · 12/05/2018 17:40

Teacher here too. Don't send him. There is too much risk to himself and others.

Strongmummy · 12/05/2018 17:54

His behaviour sounds pretty bad OP, sorry. I’d pull him out and save £400, plus it’ll teach him that actions have consequences. I wonder if you could put the £400 aside and tell him that if he’s good for the rest of the year then he can have the cash?

snakeface · 12/05/2018 18:00

Pull him
He's 12, you warned him and his behaviour did not improve. He doesn't believe you'll pull him out and his behaviour will continue to go down hill.
You are storing up problems for the future if you don't.
Also it doesn't matter if the initial bad behaviour warranted him not going or not, you told him he couldn't go if there was no improvement in the way he acted. So you have to go through with it or he'll see you as a pushover.

MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 12/05/2018 18:07

I wouldn't let him go.