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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove my son from a trip

188 replies

Alwayssearching · 11/05/2018 13:46

So he's due to go abroad with the school this summer.
He's been on the fence with his silly behaviour as to whether he is allowed to go.
Deposit paid.. If I pull him out. I get that back
However if I pay it all and then his behaviour doesn't improve the school stops him going. And no money is refunded. Its £400. Which I agree as they have to pay the holiday company.
However if we been in two minds whether to pull him or. Not due to his silliness and behaviour.
Today I get a call saying he's swallowed an elastic band for a dare.. Now im now thinking I can't trust him at all to go away..
He's known he's on a thin line to go and yet he's still done it.
Problem is I'm a soft touch and would feel bad him not going when he's always gone on every trip etc.. Maybe it will be a lesson learned tho.?

OP posts:
DailyMailFail101 · 11/05/2018 14:06

I think you know deep down the best decision is to pull the plug now. A good life lesson and a short sharp shock may do the trick to improved behaviour in the long run.

LyndaLaHughes · 11/05/2018 14:07

To be honest that doesn't sound like silly behaviour to me- he sounds rude and disrespectful. Walking out of lessons or refusing to do work is really unacceptable and I think you need to send him a message that you will not tolerate this behaviour. You really need to put a stop to it now as it's only going to escalate. Was he ok at Primary level? Is he struggling or is there another reason he's acting out like this? What have you and the school done to manage his behaviour so far?

ScrubTheDecks · 11/05/2018 14:07

If he was aware before the elastic band incident, that silly behaviour would get him barred from the trip, then follow through: withdraw him before school do.

Honestly, I would not want to be a teacher responsible 24/7 away from home for a kid that does that. I would tell him that you have to pay the rest of the £400 now and by the school calling you about this incident today he has proved that he cannot use the trip as an incentive to improve his behaviour and therefore you cannot risk the £400.

And I agree with you - he may not be safe. Swallowing anything for a dare is monumentally stupid. (in the moment, as an action. I a not saying he is a stupid child)

If he has been on trips before he has hardly been deprived. Let this one do it's job. I am a real softy but in these circumstances, if he knew he was on a last chance, I would cancel.

Marmaladdin · 11/05/2018 14:08

So he's actually very poorly behaved and has a stinking attitude. For his longterm benefit, nip it in the bud.

Babybearsporij · 11/05/2018 14:08

I'd pull him OP. He has to see that his behaviour has consequences. I'm not a soft touch like you though.

Nesssie · 11/05/2018 14:09
  • dont like a lesson.. I'll walk out. Refusal to do work if he thinks the teacher is horrible.. He's also been getting into fights occasionally.. *

These cannot be describe as 'silliness'! Definitely pull him from the trip! Let him learn his lesson and he might behave for the next one..

NightAndShiningArmour · 11/05/2018 14:09

If it was just clowning behaviour, it would feel harsh, but the level of disrespect he’s showing his teachers is awful and absolutely deserves being pulled from the trip.

THAT SAID, friends GF is a secondary school teacher in a school with plenty of pupils with behaviour problems. She chaperoned a residential trip (UK - think national park, camping, activities weekend) and she said she bonded with the kids in a completely different way and their behaviour for her afterwards was noticeably improved...

I wouldn’t rely on her experience being a common occurrence though!

LyndaLaHughes · 11/05/2018 14:10

Sorry I missed one of your posts- you've clearly already been trying to address the behaviour and it hasn't worked so I'd ban him and send him a clear message you won't put up with this. Has he another group you can encourage friendship with? Maybe by having those friends over etc? It sounds like he's trying to impress and put on a show for a particular group and I'd be skinny everything I could to keep him away from them difficult though that is. What have the school said about friendships etc?

BlueSapp · 11/05/2018 14:10

We did stop our ds when he was 11 going on a three day trip away, after he ran out in front of a car for a dare on his way home from school, he was also not allowed to walk home alone after that. so YANBU to stop him going at any point its up to you if you want to lose £400 or not

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 11/05/2018 14:11

I'd say if he swallowed an elastic band, he can't be trusted and can't go.

IRefuseToAgree · 11/05/2018 14:12

I wouldn’t send him. I think it’s unfair on everyone else and unfair on him. If he misbehaves or is impulsive on the trip then it could end up being a much bigger issue than when he misbehaves at school.

Do you know how many kids from his class are going?

BlankTimes · 11/05/2018 14:12

Pull him out. Tell him he's just demonstrated he can't be trusted not to do something stupid, and the teachers can't provide the one to one supervision for him that it would take to keep him and everyone else safe, so he stays while all his friends go and have a good time.

Then start looking for reasons for his behaviour.
Walking out of lessons and not doing homework and being the class clown could be a red flag for a kid who does not understand the work they are being asked to do, but don't want to admit they can't keep up with their peers.

Poor impulse control, often exploited by the "wrong crowd" egging him on because they know how to push his buttons.

Being the class clown deflects anyone looking at whatever he's struggling with, all they are seeing is the stupid behaviour but no-one's asking why he's doing it, no-one is looking for the boy behind the mask.

Problem is I'm a soft touch then you really need to step up and parent him properly. Have a look at Ross Greene's books and website.

DearMrDilkington · 11/05/2018 14:12

I really really wouldn't send him. Imagine him running off at Disney, it sounds like he could ruin the trip for every other student and teacher going. I'd simply tell him no trips until he can behave himself. It's not fair on everyone else if his going to cause a scene the whole trip. Also your going to be on edge the whole time his gone

Nip this behavior in the bud now, otherwise he'll be a horror in a year or so, when the hormones really kick in.. I imagine you putting your foot down with the trip will change his attitude pretty quickly.

purplelass · 11/05/2018 14:13

I'd pull him from the trip.

He's proved he can't be trusted, so you prove you can't be messed with.

If he turns his behaviour around though, it's important that you reward him with something good when his classmates are on the trip, and let him know that this is what you're planning.

You'll have given him the stick, hopefully the carrot will be enough to make him grow up a bit...

Mistressiggi · 11/05/2018 14:13

It's very unusual for a 12 year old to walk out of lessons. This is not just silliness.
How long till the trip money is due? I'd be removing more than just the trip he is on a downhill trajectory.

kes53 · 11/05/2018 14:13

Sounds like he will be a liability on the trip and the folk in charge will be left to sort the aftermath. Pull him out. I reckon the teachers taking the group will be aware he is booked and will undoubtedly not be looking forward to his presence.

megafatCEObaby · 11/05/2018 14:13

Maybe I'm harsh but I would be pulling out of it. No way would I be risking losing £400, I could not afford to by any means.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/05/2018 14:13

Urgh, based on his current levels of poor decision making, I'd pull him from the trip.
The only downside to that (aside of his disappointment) is that you'd have no leverage to try and get him to improve his behaviour - but since he already knows he's treading a fine line and is still choosing to misbehave, I don't think that's much of an issue.

At least this way if he continues on his own sweet path, you won't be £400 out of pocket over it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/05/2018 14:13

Is he prone to being "easily led" and doing stupid stuff cos people tell him too?

He's very obviously not blameless however If his immature nature is being taken advantage of in some way then I'd not think twice about telling the head about the kids involved taking the piss out of him by asking him to do stuff too

LyndaLaHughes · 11/05/2018 14:14

Oh and you say you are a soft touch- trust me he won't thank you for that in the long run and you are only going to make life more difficult for yourself in the long run. Kids really do have more respect for adults who are consistent and have firm and clear boundaries. Easier said than done I know but we all have to remind ourselves that we are parents and not our kids' friends whose approval we need. They will love and respect you for it. I know it's hard OP but he has to learn sometime and you can't send him a message that his behaviour has no consequences. It just gives him a licence to carry on.

CalF123 · 11/05/2018 14:15

If my DC was walking out of lessons, there's no way on earth they'd be going to disneyland.

elderflowerandrose · 11/05/2018 14:15

I would pull him out on just the elastic band stunt and not listening to his teachers and walking out of classes.

Putting the punishment part aside it is irresponsible to send a child that does not have the maturity to follow instructions. You know he is having problems so I don't think I would risk his safety overseas knowing what he is like at the moment.

The consequences of his actions and following through will be good for him, and better to be firmer now than to try and iron this out when he is 6ft 2 and 15 years old.

It is a school trip not a huge huge deal in the scheme of things, but you need to be sure he is safe.

Knittedfairies · 11/05/2018 14:15

I’d pull him out too; he knew he was thin ice and he still swallowed an elastic band for a dare? You’ll have to put up with the fall-out, but it will be worth it in the end. If this silly/poor behaviour isn’t called out now, things won’t get any better.

MrsJayy · 11/05/2018 14:15

I wouldn't be able to trust him to be responsible what if he decides he doesn't want to follow trip rules a teacher has to deal with him and he spoils it for the rest ? His behaviour sounds disruptive and not just silly I wouldn't let him go.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/05/2018 14:17

I think you need to put your foot down, pull him out of the trip and teach him that there are consequences to his actions.

He is 12, not 4.

He is old enough to learn how to behave.