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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove my son from a trip

188 replies

Alwayssearching · 11/05/2018 13:46

So he's due to go abroad with the school this summer.
He's been on the fence with his silly behaviour as to whether he is allowed to go.
Deposit paid.. If I pull him out. I get that back
However if I pay it all and then his behaviour doesn't improve the school stops him going. And no money is refunded. Its £400. Which I agree as they have to pay the holiday company.
However if we been in two minds whether to pull him or. Not due to his silliness and behaviour.
Today I get a call saying he's swallowed an elastic band for a dare.. Now im now thinking I can't trust him at all to go away..
He's known he's on a thin line to go and yet he's still done it.
Problem is I'm a soft touch and would feel bad him not going when he's always gone on every trip etc.. Maybe it will be a lesson learned tho.?

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 11/05/2018 14:37

I am sorry, OP but I too think that it's a 'no' for the trip.

If the penny hasn't dropped by now, he's not going to 'get it together' in time for the trip.

There's a risk he'll really pull one out of his hat on the school trip- another elastic band scenario, or worse- and that would be enormously stressful for you and the staff. You don't need that risk hanging over your head.
It's such a shame to miss out on what would be a great trip but it sounds like he's not ready.
Maybe this will serve as the catalyst that will help him to learn from his mistakes.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/05/2018 14:38

down

If he's a danger to himself and others he cant go. And it will sabotage the entire trip for everyone of a teacher has to stay behind lest he decides to do something stupid . You just can't take that chance.

What you can do however is spend that week trying to get to the bottom of things and maybe take a trip to a theme park or something instead as a family

Pandoraphile · 11/05/2018 14:38

Pretend you've made your mind up and tell him he can't go. Leave the actual decision until the deadline. Make your decision based on his response to being told he can't go.

StylishMummy · 11/05/2018 14:38

It's not 'a bit of silliness' fights and walking out of lessons is pretty awful behaviour. Yank him off the trip and teach him actions have consequences

windermerebell · 11/05/2018 14:39

Sounds like my brother OP, my mum banned him from lots of things due to stupidity (not really naughty) behaviour. He is now an excutive earning mega bucks so don’t be too worried. A teacher told my mum that it was a sign of an active and intelligent mind going into overdrive.

BertrandRussell · 11/05/2018 14:39

That sounds like more than silliness..........

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/05/2018 14:39

What if the op pulls him from the trip, he doesn't go, his mates have an amazing time & this plunges him into deep depression?? Sends him spiralling into horrible mental health issues

What if he goes does something remarkably stupid that results in a serious injury or worse therefore traumatising all the others on the trip.

Poor behaviour should lead to consequences not ridiculous statements.

windermerebell · 11/05/2018 14:39

But my mum really clamped down which I think help as well

Dynamitewithalaserbeam · 11/05/2018 14:42

Has anyone investigated why he's behaving like this?

There can often be an underlying reason for this type of compulsive acting-before-thinking behaviour, and surely if punishment hasn't worked for the last 12 years it might be worth investigating whether or not there is a reason, and whether or not a different approach might work.

No idea about the trip; I think if I'd budgeted I'd pay, but give him specific short term goals to work on week to week and pull him myself if I thought he wouldn't manage to behave when away.

ScrubTheDecks · 11/05/2018 14:44

I would be investigating what is going on.

Is he showing off / clowning around to try and gain credibility in the face of non-popularity or bullying?
Does he have attention / impulse problems? Connected to anything else?
Is it just school?
If he is well behaved sometimes, what prompts the change?

viques · 11/05/2018 14:44

"Let the teachers deal with it"

FFS.

HopeClearwater · 11/05/2018 14:44

A pp made a good point about all those other parents who’ve paid £400 for their children to go. Kids like yours cause a disproportionate amount of stress for their carers. It’s the well-behaved ones who lose out while the teachers are dealing with poor behaviour which is frequently a result of lax parenting and non-existent boundaries rather than anything more serious.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/05/2018 14:45

Let the teachers deal with it. - The teachers at our school had several problematic boys, they still took them on trips. They had worked out a way of dealing with them. They sat them down and talked to them abot how the boys wanted the trips to go. There was a teacher who kept a close eye on them. The boys behaved on the trip, in some cases better than they did at home. That is what I meant. They are professionals and used to dealing with a class of kids, or they wouldn't be contemplating the trip. The boy has been invited on the trip. The op has not said that anyone from school has expressed their doubts about him going. If they had it would be a different matter.

There are other children egging him on to do things. The teachers will also be aware of that and this is the issue that should be tackled up front before the trip, by the teachers and by OP.

I can't believe all the people thinking its great to punish him because then OP wlll save £400.

Surely it would be more appropriate to sit him down and discuss it with him. He's old enough now to do that and maybe there would be more clues as to why he is behaving like this, because excluding him from a class trip, when other kids are treating him as a joke, is probably only going to make hmi feel more isolated and in need of attention and is ultimately not going to solve the issue

charliebear78 · 11/05/2018 14:45

Last Year I was told by the school that my 9yr old son could not go on the school trip.
Son was very upset(as we were)
My son is also the Class Clown and simply does not listen and therefore the School decided he would be a danger to others and himself if he was permitted to go on the trip.
Despite all of this and the upset it caused my sons behaviour has not greatly improved and we are now having him assessed for ADHD..
I think for the Teachers,Pupils,and Yourselves it would be best not to send him.
I agree with DUCK in part and think the WHY needs exploring.

MrsJayy · 11/05/2018 14:46

What if the op pulls him from the trip, he doesn't go, his mates have an amazing time & this plunges him into deep depression?? Sends him spiralling into horrible mental health issues

Are you always so dramatic ? What if he goes runs off and hurts himself or if his mates say swallow this for the lolz

Kleinzeit · 11/05/2018 14:47

I dunno about swallowing rubber bands but running off is a serious risk on a trip. If he does it again, and the school think he is likely to do that in France when things don't go his way then they really might not let him go.

If he can get on the trip, and get through it successfully, that will be a huge boost for him. But I'm not convinced he's going to make it.

So... could you have another conversation with the teacher shortly before the deadline for committing the money - how is he doing, are they likely to have to stop him going, has his behaviour improved overall? And then decide.

diddl · 11/05/2018 14:48

I wouldn't send him.

Is it in term time?

If so, he'll still have to go into school won't he?

Mymadworld · 11/05/2018 14:49

Based on your list of things he's done and presumably previous warnings about possible cancellation of trip I wouldn't allow my 12 year old to go. Silliness is one thing but fights in school, walking out of class, refusing to do work all shown utter disrespect for you or teachers. Is a change of school an option?

Bobbydeniro69 · 11/05/2018 14:51

I would cancel the trip, as he is old enough to know exactly what he is doing , which is basically being a disrespectful little you-know-what and not listening to his teachers or yourself.

I might also have something up my sleeve as a reward or a replacement activity if the cancelled trip sorts out his behaviour. It might only hit home when others are away enjoying themselves and he isn't.

Ultimately this is for his own safety. Doing stupid and possible dangerous things in this country is one thing, doing it abroad adds an extra unknown element.

megafemme · 11/05/2018 14:55

I agree that on balance you ought to pull your ds out of the trip before you lose your money. It will have a big impact on him and hopefully he will learn from it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/05/2018 14:56

The OPs opening post says if his behaviour doesn't improve school will not let him go. Which he presumably knew before he decided to swallow an elastic band. Of course the reasons for his behaviour need tackling but why should he go and ruin it for everybody else.

Juells · 11/05/2018 14:57

@Dynamitewithalaserbeam

surely if punishment hasn't worked for the last 12 years

What punishment though? Maybe I missed a post where there was some? Going back to check...

babybythesea · 11/05/2018 14:59

I work where we have school groups visit and the impact a disruptive child can have can be huge. The worst was a kid who just walked out of a workshop. As the only person who knew both the layout of the site in detail and what the child looked like, I had to start the hunt with a teacher. I also pulled in loads of colleagues on the radio, but busy venue, she wasn't easy to spot. (She said she was going to the loo, kept walking past, and even though someone saw her do it and ran after her straight away, by the time they followed her round the corner she was out of sight). We did find her after half an hour. The teacher couldn't get her to come back so in the end the teacher ended up wandering round behind her. In the meantime, the other 30 or so kids sat in their base room for half an hour, just waiting for their teacher and me to get back. Then we were an adult down and had to spend more time reorganising the groups, and the children were in groups that were bigger than they should have been meaning each child had less actual involvement in the activity.
It was a 2 hour session they had all paid for. I stayed unpaid overtime so the other kids didn't lose too much time out of their session, but why should anybody have to do this?
Why should the teachers have to sort it, because one child thinks they can do what the hell they like?
And apart from the inconvenience to every single other person involved, what if we'd not managed to find her? That half hour was one of the most frantic and worrying I have ever spent at work. Because she was still a child, albeit a disruptive one, and as the adult in charge of her session, though technically not in charge of her, the thought that something might happen to her....
It is caused by his behaviour but it's not just about him. It's about every single other person involved in the trip. The walking out thing is, for me, having seen the other side of it, the most worrying. Someone who does this just cannot go on a trip to a foreign country.

Juells · 11/05/2018 15:01

No, I haven't missed anything. He hasn't been punished at all for his bad behaviour, apart from being 'talked at'. Being talked at isn't a punishment, it goes in one ear and out the other.

Hopefully he'll grow out of it. I woudn't waste £400 on him at the moment though.

babybythesea · 11/05/2018 15:03

I also agree with pp who talked about finding out why he's behaving the way he is.
But finding out why he is doing what he's doing doesn't make him any safer to have on the trip.