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Original poster

Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

325 replies

Kocerhan3 · 10/05/2018 18:51

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

OP posts:
knufflebuns · 10/05/2018 18:54

It's your wedding day - not hers. Don't expect other people to be as excited especially with such a long engagement.

Your wedding is about your commitment to your partner, not hen do's or dress fittings. Focus on that instead! Smile

sonyaya · 10/05/2018 18:54

Honestly, I think you should readjust your expectations. I’m majorly into weddings and had a big white one myself, but didn’t expect anyone to come wedding dress shopping or wedding fayres with me.

Not unreasonable to expect her to come good if she has promised to organise a hen though.

Mosaic123 · 10/05/2018 18:56

It is more than a year until your wedding. Maybe she wants to give the role to someone else?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 10/05/2018 18:58

You got engaged 2 years ago and there's still another 14 months til the wedding?

She's probably bored shitless of it all.

If you want anything specific for your hen do you really should organise it yourself, especially if it involves asking people for money.

MrsLaurac · 10/05/2018 18:58

She's your best girl she's expected to walk down the aisle and help you with your dress on the day, pretty much that's it. Sorry to be rude but your wedding is the most important thing to you not her world. Have you thought why, and asked how she is doing? Maybe something is going off in her world.

QuietFin · 10/05/2018 18:59

Just wondering where she is in her life? Married,single? Sometimes people find it hard to be excited over something they've either not experienced so don't get how much of a big deal it is or is it something she desperately wants and hasn't got so far? I've known people that were so upset about their own life that they struggled to be happy for people close to them!

EthelHornsby · 10/05/2018 19:00

Maybe she doesn’t see weddings the same as you? I can’t imagine finding it fun going to wedding fairs, dress try-ons etc, not to mention organising overblown hen dos. I understand you are excited, but just because she’s an old friend doesn’t mean she has to be - it’s YOUR wedding. Perhaps you should have picked a friend with the same outlook as you. When I got married, back in the dark ages, bridesmaids were expected to turn up on the day, help the bride get ready, and generally muck in to make sure everything went smoothly. Months of shopping, drinking and organising beforehand were not part of it - people have their own lives you know

knufflebuns · 10/05/2018 19:00

milktwosugars

knufflebuns · 10/05/2018 19:00

^you said what I wanted to say Grin

PuppyMonkey · 10/05/2018 19:00

Do you really have to start planning a hen do more than a year in advance?Confused

She’s probably thinking it’s all a bit far away still, not really on her radar yet.

desertmum · 10/05/2018 19:00

Well I think part of being maid of honour is to be excited for your friend. My MOH traipsed round wedding dress shops with me and my mum, was enthusiastic about the bridesmaids dresses (for which I will always love her) and sorted out a hen do and kept me sane. It's what best friends do. Sorry, you are feeling bad - have you tried to talk to her about how you feel? If she's not that into it perhaps you can ask another bridesmaid to do all this stuff with you?

mzcracker · 10/05/2018 19:01

Is a maid of honour like a chief bridesmaid? I don't really know what they are or what their responsibilities are traditionally because I had none.
I can assure you of one thing ..no one cares about your wedding in the same way you do.
You just need to suck it up and get on with it. I could think of nothing more boring than traipsing round shops watching someone try on dresses. I only brought my sister with me no one else was bothered.

TSSDNCOP · 10/05/2018 19:01

You have to be making this up. If you’re not I’m amazed she hasn’t brained you. Read your post back; if you want any friends in (yet) another years time of wedding planning you need to chill the fuck out.

15star · 10/05/2018 19:02

You need to really calm down. It's over a year away and you want her to organise a hen do now?!! Don't expect other people to be as excited as you.
I've seen brides fall out with people over things like this and it's really sad to throw relationships away over a wedding. Try to remember it's a day about your love for your husband it's not about torturing your friends for over a year!

MagicFajita · 10/05/2018 19:03

I guess the title means different things to different people. Did you discuss what your interpretation of a MOH is?

ManifestingPowerhouse · 10/05/2018 19:03

Oh dear. Can you really not see OP?

Caselgarcia · 10/05/2018 19:03

I must admit I hate talking about other people's weddings, its something that just doesn't interest me. Perhaps she feels the same? Especially as its over a year away. I wonder if she feels under pressure as it obviously means a great deal to you to involve her.

CocoaGin · 10/05/2018 19:04

You're expecting far too much from her, and perhaps need to scale back the wedding talk and your expectations. It is one day, after all. And 3 years of planning is enough to send most people running for the hills.....

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 10/05/2018 19:05

@desertmum - I don't disagree with you... but I think expecting someone to keep up that level of excitement for 3 years is taking the piss a bit!

Original poster
Kocerhan3 · 10/05/2018 19:05

I appreciate the comments, yes I've had a long engagement - that was always the plan. We've just bought a house etc.

I barely speak about the wedding to most people unless they ask as it is personal and it is a while away so not worth fussing over. And I rarely discuss it with her unless it's been dress shopping (hell, I'd want to be there for hers) I've not been to one wedding fair, but other of my friends have wanted to go with me to one for my wedding.... I've always declined politely.

It's a good point of questioning her life right now because she's just finishing uni, and always commenting how settled I am and how good my OH is etc /: it makes me uncomfortable so i reassure her everyone takes their own time and she's done amazing things too (she's a mental health nurse for instance)

OP posts:
mzcracker · 10/05/2018 19:05

Jesus I missed the 3 years bit. Yea you need to chill out.

ArdnaGreine · 10/05/2018 19:06

Op how is your fiancée finding all the organisation? I say this as someone who had a quiet no fuss ceremony abroad with a few close friends.

Jamboree05 · 10/05/2018 19:06

Actually OP, it really does sound like there could be something going on in her own life... have you talked to her and checked she's ok?

Also, how many dress appointments did you expect her to go to? These are time consuming things. Why didn't you just line up a load of shops on one day and invite her with you?

AnathemaPulsifer · 10/05/2018 19:08

It's a long way in advance to already expect the hen party to be sorted. How many dress shopping sessions did you plan? If more than two then probably pushing your luck.

CandyMelts · 10/05/2018 19:08

There's a reason it's advised not to pick your bridal party until closer to the time, one of those is so they're not bored rigid by it all. Chillllll

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