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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

325 replies

Kocerhan3 · 10/05/2018 18:51

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kocerhan3 · 10/05/2018 19:20

I think people have taken my approach with dates here wrong. I only started looking at wedding things and dates/venues August last year. Which is nothing if you consider I did nothing during November December because of xmas. And as mentioned, I know it's ages away. I don't ram it down her throat. We talk nearly every day about our lives and OTHER stuff. Not the wedding. It's hardly mentioned.

OP posts:
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 10/05/2018 19:21

I think you've bought into the Hollywood / chick-lit stereotype of weddings - that women go crazy about them and you'll come out of the changing room wearing The Dress and your friends will cry and tell you it's The One. According to movies and crappy TV shows, all girls dream of being a bride since they're tiny and it's the most important day of their life blah blah.

Real life doesn't work like that. Women aren't all crazy over weddings and nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do. Weddings are stressful and often dull, especially for the bridal party who are expected to do more than drink.

I think readjusting your expectations is key. Don't envisage some kind of Friends / Sex in the City scenario and you won't be disappointed when you don't get it.

WilyMinx · 10/05/2018 19:22

I love my best friends to bits but would reject being their bridesmaids if they expected me to go dress shopping and plan their hen nights. I didn't even go dress shopping for my own wedding (ordered off ebay), and party planning just isn't one of my strengths. Aside from her not being terribly interested in your wedding, is she good friend? I would value that over a shopping companion and good party planner any day.

tiredmommaa · 10/05/2018 19:23

Reading this thread I think I know you OP 🤔
what part of the country are you from?

Leeds2 · 10/05/2018 19:23

She is probably concentrating on finishing her degree. I know I would prioritise that over a hen do which would be in a year's time. However, if I was the MOH, I would at least tell you that that was what I was doing!

What sort of thing are you looking at for your hen? If it is a meal out, local to you, it probably doesn't need that much notice. If it is a week in Spain, people would probably appreciate more notice so that they can save/get holiday from work etc. I would probably wait until the exams have finished, ask her specifically what she is planning for the hen, and when she will be doing anything about it. If she seems luke warm about it, ask her, face to face, if there is a problem and if she would prefer you/someone else to organise it.

Have you done any shopping trips for her/bridesmaids dresses? Was she enthusiastic for that? Again, I would arrange a trip for after the exams with the aim of choosing her dress and, if she doesn't show, ask her directly what the problem is and whether she no longer wishes to be MOH.

ittakes2 · 10/05/2018 19:23

Sorry another one for thinking your wedding is quite a way a way. It's also not a thing to expect your maid of honor to attend every dress fittings. It didn't even occur to me to take my maid of honour to any dress fittings - I just took her to help me find the dress.
Planning a wedding can be very exciting, but I think you might want to consider whether you could be placing too much emphasis on it. One thing that would worry me is that you are having so high expectations for the wedding and then you will have a big build up to the day - I would be concerned you might feel a bit lost after the wedding when all the excitement is a memory.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2018 19:23

Your fiancé should be your sidekick. It’s his wedding too.

I think there’s a lot of stuff out there about weddings being this mythical female bonding time. I’ve done more than my fair share of pitching in for weddings over the years. Getting RSI from cutting out paper flowers and biting my tongue while trying to ignore a friend’s horrible mother, blisters from awful ugly shoes, pretending to live strapless dresses, weren’t experiences that made me love my bride friends more.

It’s always lovely on the day but pre wedding madness ends up causing stresses and tensions that can last once the confetti has rotted and the “oh so versatile” shoes consigned to the charity shop.

elderflowerandrose · 10/05/2018 19:23

Op you sound like serious hard work.

Let me give you some sage advice try not to have ‘expectations of fulfillment’ with anyone.

You eliminate all the joy from this occasion and be left with zero friends if your future dh doesn’t run for the hills first.

This is important to only you and him. That’s it. And maybe your mum. Everyone else is getting on with their own life.

Your friend shouldn’t have to ‘pretend’ or dance to your tune for ffs

Original poster
Kocerhan3 · 10/05/2018 19:24

@tiredmommaa northern, but the point of this is that it's anonymous so no more :)

OP posts:
AntiHop · 10/05/2018 19:25

Op what has she actually done wrong? Your post is quite vague. You said she forgot to come to your first wedding fitting. Was she very busy with her degree at the time? When you said she didn't come to the other fittings, what actually happened?

Original poster
Kocerhan3 · 10/05/2018 19:25

@ittakes2 exactly, it was finding the dress I wanted her there for.

OP posts:
tiredmommaa · 10/05/2018 19:25

As am I so definitely think I know you, I shall ask no more 🤫

JammyGem · 10/05/2018 19:26

The hen do is usually just before the wedding... There's no point whatsoever her organising anything yet as it'll be too early (unless you're wanting one of those week-long abroad hens, in which case organise it yourself!)

Hell, my MOH didn't come with me for dress shopping. It's really not a big deal.

Your wedding is really only important to you and you DH. Let's face it, we're all happy for our friends getting married but couldn't really care less about the action planning and organising etc of the wedding.

FASH84 · 10/05/2018 19:26

YABU my mum and MIL came dress shopping, I organised my own hen, my MOH came bridesmaid dress shopping (one day why are you having so many dress shopping days?? ) . I went to one wedding fair with DH, they aren't all that great anyway. She put together little hen gift bags (no Willys she knows me well) she made sure I got home safe on the hen as I had a lot to drink, she brought me champagne the morning of the wedding, calmed down the flower girl, and stepped in to do my mum's hair after a salon disaster oh and flew to Mexico for my wedding, having got my DH to be, to sneak a package into my luggage containing beautiful bridal PJs and robe that she bought for me to wear for hair and make up (and photos) etc. She is an absolute superstar to have done what she did and I love her even more for it, but your expectations would test even her... Add to that your wedding is still over a year away and your friend is finishing uni, and you are Bridezilla.

BrightonCalling · 10/05/2018 19:26

Long engagements are so, so, so boring.

Also if you're having the ideas and sending links for hen do etc havent you basically done 50% of the work yourself? So why bother getting someone else to arrange it?

Original poster
Kocerhan3 · 10/05/2018 19:26

@tiredmommaa and if I'm not who you think I am, I'm glad to hear someone else might be in the same vent boat !! Wink lol

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 10/05/2018 19:27

Do you mean wedding is July 2018? If so YANBU. If not then chill the fuck out.

lunar1 · 10/05/2018 19:27

The last six months of uni is really hard going, let her finish and then have a talk with her about what you would want from her. Give her the chance to bow out. Maybe you have another friend who is able to devote the time you need.

You sound like you have a lot of expectations and you need to give her the chance to back out if she wants. How long can a hen do take to plan? Book a meal and have some drinks in town.

My wedding was booked and planned and completed in two months. I just can't see what all this fuss is over a year in advance!

IRefuseToAgree · 10/05/2018 19:27

It’s over a year until the wedding so I’m not surprised that she hasn’t discussed the hen do or that she isn’t interested in dress fittings. It’s way too early.

Sparklesocks · 10/05/2018 19:28

It’s far too early to be thinking about the hen - you might not even by that close to the chosen guests by the time you get to it!
It’s all super exciting but still very far away and she has other priorities which are happening sooner, cut her some slack.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2018 19:28

We’re obviously all completely wrong and being very unfair. So why do you think your close friend of a decade is backing off?

She’s either got stuff going on in her own life, like finishing a very demanding degree, or she’s resentful of your expectations and back peddling her place in the bun fight.

You’ve asked for advice and you’re a bit defensive. You know her and we don’t. You’ve had lots of replies explaining how she might be feeling. A lot of us have been bridesmaids in the past and are trying to give you her perspective.

ohamIreally · 10/05/2018 19:28

She has done amazing things too

What amazing things have you done OP?

Original poster
Kocerhan3 · 10/05/2018 19:28

You know, this is the first place and time people have told me I'm over planning. Seriously. Last year when looking (2017) i wanted a certain photographer who was already booked for my date. As was a venue. (?!)

OP posts:
elderflowerandrose · 10/05/2018 19:29

Bridezilla doesn’t come close 😬

Pressuredrip · 10/05/2018 19:29

Possibilities are:

She's just not into weddings (I'm not, but I know I'm a rare breed)
She's jealous
You are over eager and it's too far ahead to be dress shopping or hen do planning
She doesn't consider you as close a friend as you do
Why don't you just ask her?

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