Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

[Kocerhan3]

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

Just because she comments on your life doesn't necessarily mean she aspires to it.
I have zero interest in weddings, even those of my closest friends and family. And while I'm happy for them I don't share their excitement.

She’s a mental health nurse just finishing university? You never thought she might be a tiny little bit stressed out or too busy to attend one if your vital dress fittings?

Honestly, cut her some slack and be nice OP. I bet she’ll come good in the end.

With such a long engagement and still a long way to go, I really think you should adjust your expectations of others. No-one, apart from maybe the mother of the bride, is going to want to go to dress fittings or go from shop to shop trying dresses on. No-one is going to want to browse through wedding magazines more than once. No-one is going to want to go to a wedding fair unless they are getting married themselves. Your mother is your best bet here, not a friend (unless they are also getting married around the same time and want to try on dresses / go to wedding fairs with you).

Sorry but other people’s wedding plans are very dull to hear about. I think you have created a fantasy which is just not going to play out. If you want to share your plans then maybe hire a wedding planner who you can pay to be interested, or simply stick with your mum!

YABU. You just are.

I have not been planning and had this approach for 3 years. Hell I couldn't handle that. I've been engaged for 3. I didn't even think about the wedding until middle of last year, when we set a date. I did set up days of a few, and then there were months in between appointments. She was willing and excited when discussing these and as mentioned - we arranged them together so she could be there.

I’m the nicest possible way, your wedding isn’t very interesting to anyone else. Friends will want to see your dress and maybe hear your plans but that’s it. And not for 2-3 years.
I think you need to lower your expectations and maybe join a wedding forum to talk about your plans with people who will take an interest.
Unless you’re planning something very expensive/Abroad then there’s no need to be planning more than a year in advance, that’s just madness.
Good luck with it all

How many wedding dress shopping sessions have you planned? She's still got a year to plan the hen party.

I think your expectations are way too high. You sound really high maintenance.

I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016

I might still beat you down the aisle at that rate and I'm currently single...

OTOH July 2019? The robots may have risen up and/or the zombie apocalypse occurred.

She's finishing uni and your pissed her focus isn't on your wedding which is over a year away?

Yeah you're being unreasonable.. and a selfish dick!

High maintenance is not true. I just think if it were me, I'd be at least pretending to be excited every couple months when it's bought up if it meant so much to a friend that close to me?

She's finishing uni and you aren't getting married for over a year. You are being ver ver unreasonable.

You got engaged 2 years ago and there's still another 14 months til the wedding?

She's probably bored shitless of it all.

^^^ This.

You won’t think your talking about your wedding but I bet you don’t realise you are.

I never went dress shopping with my bms just my Mam it was a surprise. My own hen do I helped organise. It’s too far away to be getting bridezilla on her arse.

Honestly OP, try and get some perspective. She has been maid of honour for two years already and has 14 months still to go. No saint could keep up the pretence of being excited for someone else’s wedding that long.

It’s your wedding and you’re obviously very excited. That’s lovely. But how many conversations have you had with her since you got engaged which WEREN’T about your wedding? Do you what’s going on in her life? Is there anything non-weddingy going on in yours?

I love weddings. I hate long overly involved engagements. Honestly, I’ve had several friends who were engaged longer than they’d been together before the engagement. It just goes on forever and when it’s not your own wedding it’s incredibly dull.

Your expectations are so very high. It’s a big deal for you but no matter how close you were it’s not a big deal for her. Why are you planning a hen do now? It’s probably still 10 months away. The wedding is over a year away. The engagement’s been going on for two years.

Life has to go on without one day as the focus until it arrives. I don’t mean that unkindly but you do sound a bit obsessed with it all.

You know the best about your wedding day apart from making a lifelong commitment to your husband? It’s being surrounded by the people you love most in the world, their happiness for you, an excuse to get everyone together for good food, lots of drinks and a knees up.

There’s a chance that your fixation with the details is pushing her away and she still loves you but is going a bit nuts with your big day trying to take over your life and your friendship. If you want to stay close to her, I’d apologise for having got a bit too obsessed. Tell her it’s ages till the wedding and you want a normal catch up, to listen to what’s going on with her, to talk about anything but weddings. Then you’ll get an idea of what’s happening between the two of you.

I’ve been a bridesmaid 6 times and there’s nothing like seeing a friend you adore losing her bloody mind over fucking table centres and bridal shoes. I’m also married and while I really genuinely do love a wedding, the details have no bearing at all on what will make your wedding day special and memorable or your marriage happy.

@ThereIsAlwaysDrama such kind words thanks. I made it clear earlier that I'm not like this every bloody day. Or every week. Or even every month!!! I've been supportive and re assuring during her uni stuff, I HARDLY mention the wedding. This is all built up slowly

Have you been chatting to her about her graduation, arranged a little celebratory gathering, sent her links to outfit ideas?

No?

Bit of a one way street being your bestie perhaps?

Your wedding's over a year away! I'm not surprised she's not interested in thinking about a hen do. As for attending wedding fairs-I'm not sure why anyone would be interested in doing that. She probably sick and tired of hearing about your wedding. You need to relax.

You expect her to pretend to be excited? What?
Really op. Just get on with organising your wedding and be thankful she turns up on the day to do whatever a MOH does.
It's feckin ages away.

@TSSDNCOP yes I have actually. And been there through the meltdowns. Thanks.

You say you want a sidekick but maybe for her it's a long time to sustain an intense level of interest. She has her life to deal with too. Can you adjust the scope of what you picture being your MOH entails? Include other friends? There's over a year still to go! Perhaps she'd feel less overwhelmed if you involved others.

On the bright side it's probably been wonderful for your mum to share these moments.

Why when you wish to attend wedding fais have you turned down other friends’ offers to attend wedding fairs?!

Martyrish.

Have you talked to her about what’s going on between you?

IMO you should arrange your own hen do.

Jeez, now I am planner, but even I am not thinking about holidays or anything else for next year. Most people won't be taking bookings that far n advance. You have gone a bit mad and need to chill out. It's only one day.

I zoned out when a good friend of mine went on and on about whether or not she should book a harpist for the champagne bit. They got divorced after 2 years. Which was less time than the wedding took to plan.