Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

[Kocerhan3]

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

@jamoncrumpets true..

The whole title of your thread shows that you have entered into this wedding planning/MOH verbal contract with expectations. YOUR expectations.

everyone takes their own time and she's done amazing things too (she's a mental health nurse for instance)

Really? Patronising much? No wonder she's fed up with you.
You getting married is nice for you. Not amazing for her.

@ikeepaforkinmypurse as mentioned before, I didn't even think about the wedding until late last year and with xmas in the way, it's not been a lot. But as others have said - some thing need this time to book. I've already missed out on one photographer and a venue choice. Crazy but true

My best mate got married. I was pleased for her. I didn't choose her dress or organise her hen do. Because I was busy. She got that.

Just take a step back OP, it's your day and it's more important to you than anyone else. But it is just a day. Please don't be so hard on her that you damage such a long and close friendship - the results of that will continue way after your day has ended.

Well you clearly have different views on your relationship - that’s probably what’s bothering you most underneath it all. TBH I couldn’t muster up this much enthusiasm about my own wedding let alone anyone else’s. Maybe she’s just not that into it.

Talk to her, see what she really thinks. Don’t be confrontational, don’t be disappointed or express sadness - she’s fully entitled to feel the way she wants to feel.stne you’re heading in different directions in life and are finding this out at a time of heightened emotion.

I struggle to think of anything I’d enjoy less than organising a hen party. Trying to work out everything, getting people to agree and cover costs, dealing with people dropping out. It all just sounds like something that could go badly wrong. And some hen parties are so expensive ‘because that’s what the bride wants’ I’d be embarrassed to ask other women to pay hundreds on something like that (though you might have smaller plans).

There is a risk of having to put down money and being promised payment, but then the guest drops out and doesn’t pay. I’d be pissed off but able to swallow the cost now, but as a just graduated nurse - that could be a big problem.

@hazell42 this isn't patronising in context of the conversation we had. She stated how I'm doing better in life because of a mortgage and marriage (I don't believe that to be true, on the record. I'm not "doing better" due to those things) and I stated that to her, that grass looks greener, but to me, hers does because she's got an amazing career doing bloody incredible things. I admire her for doing it, not condescending or patronising.

@PandaPieForTea I've already commented that I'll be paying the bulk

What if others don't like your hen do plan, OP? Have you thought of that?

Three years?? Christ

Your wedding is still a very long way away, dial down the excitement. As others have said, it's a big to you. Understandably, it's not such a big deal to anyone else.

Okay thank you for everyone's input. I didn't expect this thread to blow up as much as it has but it's definitely helped me take a step back and see some different opinions. Genuinely, thank you

She may well be thinking "If I can just get a job first, and then I can start sweet talking the person who runs the offduty, so maybe, just maybe, I can find a way to get a weekend off to do the hen party she wants".

Kocerhan3 that's still 2 years! that's an awfully long time. Yes, book the venue etc, tell your closest ones about the date, but it sounds like you scared your friend off.

You should contact her and try to get to the bottom of this, it would be a shame to fall out.

Do remember that your wedding day will fly in the blink of an eye. It really will. If you spend too much time and energy focusing about that one single day, imagine how deflated you will be when you take off your wedding dress after only a few hours and that's it. I loved my big wedding, but I am glad it didn't take over my life. Some girls get really depressed when it's all over.

@jamoncrumpets possible, and I wouldn't be offended if people declined, but as I'm paying for it too, I'm not putting people out of their way to pay for something they don't want to go to cos that would be unreasonable

@nocoolnamesleft someone else mentioned this, which I hadn't considered (I know nothing of this field) and no ones explained to me. It's a valid point

This thread seems to be about the wedding you claim you haven’t been none stop talk about wedding . No one in this thread knows .

I would grab a bottle of wine , go round to my friend and ask if there are any issues that need resolving and listen . She is ignoring you for reasons you don’t understand .

No one online can tell you what the issues are but there are some whether the wedding, an issue with friendship or she has an issue that is nothing to do with either

You aren't going to enjoy your hen do or your wedding if you don't lower your expectations a bit.

Dear god! Poor friend. Here's hoping she sees since and pulls out of this whole thing soon. Some people have busy lives, some people just don't care about weddings, some find organising shit tedious, some people are pretty laid back and relaxed and see a long engagement with a wedding still far off as too far in the future to stress about now. This doesn't mean these people are jealous of you, or feel unfulfilled because they're not in a couple or that they are shit people.

YABVU!

Find someone who's into all this nonsense. I'd rather pull my fingernails out with rusty pliers than go to a wedding fair or try on dresses or watch someone try on dresses.

Other than your nearest and dearest, people aren't really that bothered that you're getting married.

Perhaps studying to be a mental health nurse has made her re evaluate what's really important in life. Perhaps countless wedding dress viewings are not so relevant to her at the moment.

The marriage is the important thing OP, the rest is just froth, years of froth in this case.

'it is a weekend away, exactly why it needed to be done early. Especially for those months /: '

It's going to cost a bomb. WHY do people do this? FFS, just have a night out and be done with it. If she's new to nursing she might not even be able to get that time off.

Fuckitty fuck - does this mean if I EVER want to get married I should start booking venues, photographers etc now? And just hope I meet someone?

My favourite part of OP's story has been when she and DFriend are squealing "ooh we chose our prom dresses, now we are choosing wedding dresses".

So. Fucking. Glad. I have no BFF.

It's going to cost a bomb. WHY do people do this?
because they enjoy it? It depends on the dynamic of your group. Some friends really look forward to a weekend away together, and a hen one is a good excuse to do just that.

I much preferred a weekend on the beach somewhere, than a hen night in Central London which felt like work. --then I had kids and we have no life anymore -

Your lives are taking different paths now, the silly, giggly prom dress days are over.

I think she's trying to tell you she doesn't want to be MOH.