Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

[Kocerhan3]

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

What are your hen plans? I had a pizza meal out in the evening followed by cheesy dancing. I wonder if you want people to fork out for spa/posh drinks and such the like.

Just imagine that she gets engaged next month. Would you be able to sustain enthusiasm and total commitment until 2021?? You're asking a lot of a person, never mind one that has been doing a very demanding course.

Everyone I know that's getting married has also booked their wedding 2 years or so in advance - they have to if they want to get a specific date at their venue.

OP, I think either your MOH thinks it's a bit soon yet for her to plan your hen do etc, especially if she's busy at uni and perhaps she'll focus on it once she's finished for the year. Possibly she has a lot going on with that and from her side she thinks the wedding has taken over you a bit. Maybe that's why she lost her cool and you guys have fallen out.

Otherwise, maybe she doesn't want to be your MOH anymore - perhaps have a chat and see what she's feeling.

I know that my MOH will want to come with me when I go dress shopping and she will be planning my hen do, she's already asked for some ideas etc. Nowadays it's definitely the norm for MOHs to do both - it's part of the excitement.

Some people just don't like organising stuff,maybe she's feeling overwhelmed with all the things you're expecting of her

@Motoko it is a weekend away, exactly why it needed to be done early. Especially for those months /:

I will do it myself and that's fine, I just would rather her be honest and tell me than just go cold on me /: it's upsetting to me to have to even speak like this about her tbh. Plus for years she spoken about how much of an honour and how exciting it would be to do it so naturally when it's come about, it was her I turned to?

Jeez give the poor girl a break! Have you been to university? Sat through finals? Spent 3 years on placement? Now have to be looking for a job at the same time?
I know your wedding is special YOU! But it won't be to her right now. As it is, it's over a year away! You may have even split before than (not that I'm wishing that on you!)
But other people's weddings are boring and so is talking about them. You want to book your hen. If it's over s few days, some people won't even know if they can get time off yet etc as it's so far away.

I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with.

You're not in an episode of Friends.

If she's not fulfilling your 'expectations', ask someone else to be your maid of honour.

@GandalfTheGoat thank god for your comment I thought I was going mad

You say I am sorry if I am getting over excited about my wedding, and can I please take you out for a glass of fizz and we will talk about you no wedding speak allowed -

You’ve been engaged for 2 years and the wedding isn’t for another year. By them time you get down the aisle, she’ll have been listening to you go on about dress fittings and the bloody hen do for 3 YEARS!! I know, I know, you’ve not been talking about incessantly, never mention it etc I don’t believe you. Life changes a lot for most people in 3 years. It would be totally normal not to have even thought about your summer holiday in 3 tears time, let alone someone else’s hen do.

If you 'can't help but feel a huge void' when she misses a dress fitting, wait till you find out what marriage it like

^ this. You might want to grow up a bit before you get to the church/registry office/hotel/town hall.

@converseandjeans yes spa and fun activity weekend. I'd pay bulk of it, so no I wouldn't ask anything unreasonable

It's your wedding though, not hers. And it's over a year away. Just because you'd react a certain way in her shoes it doesn't mean you should expect the same from her.

Also, think carefully about this weekend away hen do, MN is full of women agonising over letting their friends down because they can't afford to go on overnight/weekend hen dos.

Where is the weekend away - is it going to cost a lot for people?

Just breathe. Your wedding is one day. None of this will matter once you’re married. Focus on that part: it’s meant to be forever.

To me your thread title says it all.

You can’t have any expectations of your MoH. It’s not her privilege to be your MoH; it’s a responsibility for her which she will fulfill on the day. If you’re lucky and your MoH is so inclined, she may spoil you a bit by doing other stuff for you (such as organising a hen do). But to have this expectation of her is totally wrong. You make it sound like a poisoned chalice, not something to be flattered and delighted about!

Engaged in 2016 and getting married in July 2019?! Good lord, I couldn't have got excited for my own wedding for that long, and I had a big fancy with all the meringue and trimmings abroad! (loved it!). Yes, some things have to be booked more than a year in advance, but you only tell your closest about the date, you keep quiet about everything else.

i get it's disappointing not to have your "dream friend" when you go dress shopping and so on. I can't blame her for not being that interested, sorry. Not everybody is into wedding dresses, and it's a hell of a lot of time about "you". You are expecting far too much from her: trying on a few dresses and giggling over magasine: fine, if she is into that sort of things (I am, I love wedding dresses). Expecting her to giver her free time to treck wedding fair: too much. No one apart from the bride and possibly her mother gives her damn about stationary/colour schemes/ flowers/ chair covers. In the nicest possible way, really no one else cares.

It's still another 14 months away - what do you want from her? I had a big wedding but didn't expect my bridesmaids to do anything really. My sister organised my hen, but all i wanted from the girls was to be there for me on the day, getting ready with me etc.

I agree with PP, I don't think you can expect someone else to be as excited as you are about your wedding when it's still 14 months away.

@elderflowerandrose (love the name by the way)

This sounds reasonable, but we talk nearly every day about our lives and silly jokes etc. It's not hardly any wedding talk unless I'm just showing her something important I've already booked... which isn't a lot bar venue and accommodation.

I think I do need to have a heart to heart though

I’m with GandalfTheGoat as well OP, don’t worry!

As a mental health nurse they work 24/7. She may not even get time off for your hen. Maybe these concerns are playing on her mind, hence the reluctance to get excited.

@Plumsofwrath I stated this is my post and in a reply - I don't see it as her duty or necessary. I'm just deeply upset one of my friends I see a sister, who I grew up with talking of this time, has now abandoned me about it all, when I would still be as excited if it were her

@TheSecretMole thank you

@Snowysky20009 I hadn't considered this fact, very valid... I'll have to talk to her about that

Once again OP, you cannot expect other people to behave in the way that you would. That's something you should really have learned as a teenager. Other people will disappoint you greatly throughout your life if you can't accept them as themselves.

@Emma198 this is a few instances that have happened that have made me upset about it all, I don't expect her to be weddingweddingwedding 24/7