Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

[Kocerhan3]

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

I didn't realise you wanted her to go dress shopping during her uni exams. She is incurring a massive debt to be at uni and sit these exams. If you are not thinking of that but you expect her to be there for you, that is not friendly. YABU. she has the whole summer free. Can't you wait a bit?

You sound like a bit of a princess tbh! Very defensive of people comments unless that agree with you! I would not post on here if you actually do not want people to tell you that you are being U!
It’s 14 months away, how about you focus on her for a bit instead of expecting her to focus on you?

I almost got married once (cancelled it a month before the day as I finally came to my senses). I know a bit about rubbish bridesmaids.

OP I think YABU about the hotel rooms. If they've paid for them, they can do whatever they want in them.
However, I think it's unreasonable for the bridesmaids to have invited them without asking! They should have asked if it would mess up plans. At that point you would be able to say, 'well we just wanted a breakfast with the wedding party only'. That's just rude.

I can see why you would want your friend to be excited and interested in your wedding. But I think that expecting a friend to attend more than one wedding dress shopping trip is a bit much. Also re planning the hen do - usually it's a few months of planning not a year. I wouldn't be in any rush planning a friends hen do a year in advance. It's also a bit dangerous as people might say they're free now but things come up that mean they drop out over the coming year.

I always presumed maid of honour was the title used for an adult bridesmaid (such as a sister) who had to keep an eye on any little ones.

Didn't know it came with years of prep..

What!! My mum came to the dress sessions
My dh went to wedding fairs.

Bridesmaid had her own dress sorted and then turned up on day. Job done.
Apologies if mum not around

If your friend is finishing uni she'll have her exams starting any day now. Have you even asked her how they are going.

I don't think you are in unreasonable to want to share your wedding prep with your friends, but this friend isn't showing she feels the same way. It could be stress over uni or she might just be a bit envious (not in a horrible way but in a sad-it's-not-me way). I think the best thing to do is to either, 1- invite other friends/bridesmaids who seem keen to dress shopping or hen-do organising (it doesn't have to be just MOH) or 2- ask her if she's feeling a bit overwhelmed and if she would rather just be a bridesmaid and you appoint a new MOH.

Congrats on your wedding. It's such a fun time and I'm sorry it isn't playing out as you'd hoped. It sounds like you have lots of support and fun with your mum and other friends so I'd try not to get too hung up on this. We can't make people feel/act/behave the way we want and as others said, it's likely not about you but something that she's finding difficult.

This is the thing with weddings, some people wait their whole lives to have one, some think they are an expensive load of old arse.

That's fine, obviously, but you run into problems when good friends have massively different opinions about them, and how important they are.

Your mate has a more important thing than your wedding going on in her life at the moment , surely you can see that?. Maybe there should have been an agreement that she would only start getting involved once her studies had finished.

I think with a 3 year engagement the noveltysworn off. She's probably fed up of you wanting to be the centre of attention for 36 months. My MOH, a friend of almost 20 years just organised the hen do and signed the register.
Like babies, other people's weddings can be pretty dull, best friends included.

My thoughts exactly

Your wedding might be the most important thing in your life right now OP but this is also a crucial time for your friend. I have never in my life been so stressed out and exhausted as I was during the final year of my Nursing degree. If I'd had a friend sending me links to hen do ideas, getting the hump with me for not having the time to go to wedding fayres and wanting me to watch her try on dresses for a wedding that was still over a year away while I was trying to write my dissertation I would have fucking lost it with them.
You talk about wanting her to be your "sidekick", like you're the star of the show and she's just playing a supporting role in the cheesey rom-com Movie of your life, but she has her own life!
Right now her focus will be on getting through uni and once the stress of final placements, dissertations and finals is over she is going to have to find her feet in her first job as a newly qualified mental health nurse. It will be a really exciting but also increadibly scary time for her as its a massive responsibility and a very steep learning curve. No wonder she's struggling to live up to your "expectations".

Sometimes certain things are not overtly obvious. Is it possible that she's just come out of a bad relationship or maybe one that was headed nowhere and she had to break it up? Or maybe there are other issues related to her health, finances, emotions etc? Maybe try having a heart to heart talk with her. Ask her what's going on and try to understand her perspective as well.

As someone who has been married for almost seven years, I can tell you one thing though. As women, our relationship with the women around us is extremely important. This could be family, friends, that 3 am friend etc. They keep you sane and help you tide over the tough times. So try and salvage your friendship as best as you can, you won't regret it.

I hope you have a great wedding and a wonderful marriage

I have three friends I think of as sisters and I was excited as them when they each got married - despite the fact I had stuff going on in my own life (in the midst of having a tumour diagnosed & removed with one - I was a few weeks post op at her wedding but still made her cake! Then pregnant, and ill with the pregnancies, with both of the other two - in the midst of all-day vile morning sickness, I still did one of my friend's flowers and set up her tables / favours, etc on the day, and with the other, I took my 8 day old baby so I could share her day!); I also lived hundreds of miles from them all - so I couldn't physically help in the run up, but I spent hours researching & discussing ideas and so forth with them (chatting about dresses, themes, favours, etc) and I loved every minute and I know they each appreciated the support and having someone to bounce ideas with, share the excitememt. I do not think you are being unreasonable at all - I can't imagine any reason that would stop me being super excited for my friend, no matter how long the engagement and no matter what was going on in my life! You still have 14 months to go, chat to your friend and find out what is going on - if she is genuinely not interested in sharing this with you, find a friend who is!! I hope you have fabulous day - and that your day, and the run-up to it, are as wonderful as you had hoped they would be. (p.s. have you checked out Green Wedding Shoes, Once Wed and Rock My Wedding?! Amazing wedding websites, you can't help but get great ideas!! The American sites are particularly good - the states seem to be a step ahead on wedding trends so you can pick up some pretty original ideas!👌)

P.p.s. If the reason she is a bit distant is because she is preoccupied, she should be telling you that instead of telling you she is free and then not showing up. Maybe try being frank, ask her if she wants to come / wants to do these things and would rather you wait until she is more free to do so it if she just isn't actually that keen...then go from there, either waiting a couple of months until she is more settled our finding someone else...

Chot: it’s clear from your posts that you are in the smaller group of people that love wedding chat and planning. You spent hours discussing and researching ideas?

It sounds like it was a bit of a hobby for you really, a genuine interest in all things wedding. and that’s fine but I think MOST people will find that far too much of an expectation. It’s very hard to fake enthusiasm and if you’re good enough friends I don’t think people should have to do that, they should feel comfortable enough to be themselves

There is a middle ground between saying “god, Best Friend, you’re boring me rigid with all this wedding talk, can’t you see that I don’t want to spend hours discussing it months and months before the day itself?!” and being like Chot almost acting as a professional wedding planner.

When did the switch happen, from mother of the bride, and the groom, helping with wedding plans to the maid of honour doing all that?

Is it an American trend that’s started to be popular here? Is it due to reality TV shows with minor celebs like Katie Price getting married and having everyone fawning over them so that everyone thinks thst’s what wedding planning involves?

I had no idea until I joined mumsnet that being a MOH involved such onerous duties. Back in the day they were just there to keep the little bridesmaids in check. But back in the day weddings didn't need such elaborate planning, nor did hen dos which were basically a meal a few drinks and a nightclub.

Indeed Lonicera - or that the responsibility of MOH could span over years rather than months or weeks.

I really cannot get over searching for a dress more than 2 years in advance of the date and expecting anyone - except perhaps your own DM- to care. What happens if styles change or you get pregnant?

If I was the MOH in this situation I'd relish in getting pregnant or married myself just to show how ridiculous it was to expect someone to be the centre of attention for 3 blinking years !

I arranged my whole wedding in 2 weeks in October 2016, in July 2017 we married. I did it all myself, checking in with hubby to be, that it was all ok and to go ahead with things. I chose my dress myself, nobody came with me, i just wanted to get it all out the way, if I'd had it all my way there wouldn't have been a party afterwards, just the ceremony in church lol

rookiemere I would laugh if the MOH got engaged, married and pregnant all before the OP got wed!

Sorry this is only interesting if you are Meghan Markle.

Ethylred Meghan Markle isn't having a maid of honour. Sensible woman.

Please re-read @MinisterforCheekyFuckery post about being final year student nurse it honestly is the most life consuming degree. After you've read the post please speak to your friend, you may find she is happy for you and wants to fulfill the MOH duties, but right now is physically and emotionally unable to.

The OP has gone. Long before 3 years are up....