Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

[Kocerhan3]

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

I wouldn't even want to hear about my own sisters' or kids' wedding details 14 months in advance. Sounds like the beginning of a bridezilla AIBU thread.

Op: you need to look at IsEveryUsername’s reply here. Thst’s the perfect illustration of true friendship. Both sides being totally honest with each other yet both coming out happy and still friends the other end.

Still the wedding took place (and that’s the whole point)

If your MOH is sulking, refusing to wear the bridesmaid dress you pick, hogging the limelight, flirting with your groom, being late to the wedding cos she’s hungover, shagging the best man behind a curtain, THEN you can come on here and complain and we’ll all back you.

It’s telling that most people are saying “cut her some slack, she may not be as into weddings as you are. And guess what - that’s quite ok, she’s not being a bad friend!”

Look calm down, you have more than a year, I think she is sick of wedding talk already, I am not surprised, while it is majorly important to you, it is not to her or others. I would meet up with her over dinner, take away, and chat to her about it, ask her, does she still want to be maid of honour, she might not want to, but be too afraid to tell you. Why not plan your hen do yourself, you are more than capable, I did that, I did it just the way I wanted it. These weddings have been blown out of proportion now.

Think I'd lose interest planning my own wedding over that period of time never mind someone else's. Weddings are grand but they are not the be all & end all.

Bridezilla syndrome can hit hard....but it is the years after the Wedding that really count. Don't lose a good friendship over this...it isn't worth it.

your last year at Uni is such hard work, can be incredibly stressful. I don't think people generally understand the pressure and workload. Chill out a bit. I'd go once dress shopping if i was MOH, to help choose between any finalists. I also think its very early for hen dos to be planned . If you want someone to share it with so closely you can engage a wedding planner to help or go online to share with other people who are also planning. Don't let this become an issue, communicate expectations and check what hers are , then readjust, but let her finish her course first!

Let's keep this thread going for 3 years and see if the OP maintains interest in it !

OP I think you're missing a trick. If MoH can't be with you when you go dress shopping you need to do what the brides do on tv show Say Yes To The Dress about the bridal store Kleinfelds in New York. Brides arrive with a huge entourage including an assortment of DM/ DF/ MiL to be/ various family and friends/ bridesmaids/ wedding planner/ male best friends and in some cases even the groom! They all have different opinions and thoroughly confuse the bride so it could keep you occupied amused for months.

TBH I think people plan these things too far in advance. Personally I dont think you can expect people to maintain interest in another person's wedding for more than 6 months.
I had a friend who turned into a nightmare over her wedding. I went on the hen weekend (Croatia) and even that included singing songs to be videoed for the wedding.
I helped her with the wedding dress.
In the end I ran out of steam prior to the wedding and had a number of issues to deal with at home so didnt go. DH was totally pissed off with her by the time of the wedding...

Chill out. Find out what's happening in her life and stop talking about ANYTHING wedding related.

OMG last year you were dress shopping?? 2 years prior to the wedding!! And you complained she didnt remember!! ha ha ha!!

"Lol haribo

I am amazed all the guests didn’t spontaneously die of cringe"

Went to one last year where something similar happened, there was a whole lot of cringing going on amongst the guests, I can tell you

You sound like an utterly obsessed bridezilla. It’s over a year away FFS and it’s a day or two in the rest of your life. Get some perspective for heaven’s sake!

If you feel you got some useful advice OP since you first posted, I would advise you to stop reading and defo t stop answering.
There are some very nasty and rude comments ('you're being a dick' - wtf)
Just concentrate on your wedding planning, reach out to your friend and admit you may have been caught up in your excitement and apologise if she feels you neglected her and everything will be fine. Let go of what doesn't matter.
Xx

As a mother and a daughter, I think that you summed it up. Your mother is probably the only person who will be as happy as you are about anything in your life.

Sorry, nearing 6 decades and that's the way things turn out sometimes.

I’m actually embarrassed for you! Grow the f up!!!! Who cares. No one but you.

I took no one to look for dresses because I’d be embarrassed to take up so much of people’s precious free time to indulge me.

You sound like the worst kind of bride and the poor girl is likely sick to death of your wedding and it’s still a year away!!

I hardly ever post and try not to be negative but you’ve really lost touch with reality. It’s one day. Just one. Good luck with the rest of your life from the day after!!

Are you an only child?

This is your wedding, not hers. Maid of honour is really just wearing a dress on the day unless you agreed she would be involved in planning. Traditionally, Mother's did this, as they footed the bill. Weddings these days have got ridiculous and involve a lot of time and work for guests which they often do not want. I suspect she did not want to be so involved and said yes to be polite and because she was your friend but does not want to be committed to so much, she may also be strapped for cash or have other problems.

Totally agree with Doodle I wouldn't have dreamed of subjecting someone else,( mother , sister , best friend or whomever) to going shopping for an occasion dress for me. How self centred. I don't blame you for being excited to be married but you are putting an outlandish importance on trivia associated to your wedding day.

Maybe you have been a bit of a wedding bore? but tbh when i was bridsmaid for my bezzie i went dress shopping (once) and organised hen do...willingly.

Dear OP, weddingdress shopping IS a big thing, so your friend is totally in the wrong! Last year my daugther was the bride and she insisted on doing the wedding dress shopping together,with me, her mother - dad was allowed 😊. She loved it, her best friends not so much, but it was the only thing I claimed as "mother's privilege". So if your friend doesn't wants to do that with you, she's not your friend. Take your mom. Take your dearest neughbour. But DON'T, don't you EVER take or ask someone who doesn't see or feel the importance of being even asked to do the wedding dress shopping!!!

Mob mentality going well I see. In the real world when your close friends get married you are happy for them and you participate in the preparations if you're asked. OP, don't choose Mumsnet to be the place to get answers, just talk to your friend

when it's hers, you may find that it's not so thrilling to be the one trailing along trying to show interest. going house hunting with friends is much more interesting !

My three bridesmaids ( 13 years ago) did nothing for my wedding and that was perfectly fine with me. I even organised my own hen do. On the wedding day they looked great and had fun!

Maybe MOH is happy to organise the hen do. WITHIN THE YEAR THE WEDDING IS TAKING PLACE. The wedding is going to be going on for ages more. Maybe she’s going to contain her excitement until it’s a bit closer to actually happening.

I think you’ve seen Bridesmaids way too many times and it’s given you over the top,unrealistic expectations