Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

[Kocerhan3]

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

Its sounds like shes not interested and is bored by it all. Obviously you are interested as its your wedding and life. Its like if someone is talking about their kids/grandkids or job all the time. After 5 minutes listening you feel like jumping in front of a bus.
Its too much for her and her reticence is telling you how she feels. Just do stuff either by yourself or with your Mum who does sound bothered.

I also think its really patronising to try and reassure that everyone goes at their own pace.

No offence, maybe you're a brain surgeon, but getting engaged and buying a house is pretty basic conventional stuff.

Shes a mental health nurse. Thats really commendable.

YABU, I think you’re expecting too much.

I’m maid of honour for a woman I’ve been friends with over 15yrs and she didn’t ask me to go dress shopping with her. She went with her mum and her Nan. I said I couldn’t wait to see her dress so she invited me to a fitting.

I’ve planned a hen weekend for her on the UK. Told the others invited the date in October, booked the hotel in December and we’re going this month. Booked other things in the last few months but there’s not heaps to do really. Is she sharing this responsibility with other bridesmaids? That might help. I wouldn’t expect her to start planning 14 months before the wedding!

I love my friend to bits but she knows I’m not as excited for her wedding as she is, even though I am looking forward to it! Take a breather and relax, I’m sure it will be fine!

I'm a little defensive as this has made me out to be very over bearing which irl I haven't been and I haven't voiced this to anyone, especially her as (like I said) I don't see it as an expectation or duty. I'm just upset as I would be different if it were her, we're that close...

If you 'can't help but feel a huge void' when she misses a dress fitting, wait till you find out what marriage it like

Maybe as well as finding it difficult to get excited about a wedding thats 2 years in the planning, she finds it difficult to be condescended to by her best mate, particularly if shes single.

Sounds like a bit of the green eyed monster to me. Maybe its hard for her seeing you so happy when she has yet to meet Mr right? There you are getting married, buying a house. Maybe she dreams of that right now and maybe that's why its hard because its a reality for you?

The dress shopping we'd spoken about since the engagement and she was always like "omg it's amazing, I can't wait, how sentimental this will be, choosing our prom dresses together and now wedding dresses etc" and then nothing /: she forgot.

If you would be different in her shoes, that's on you, and you probably need more in your life to keep you busy

She is in her final year of uni and you expect her to drop everything to go dress shopping! Get a grip.

It really sounds like she is feeling a bit envious of you right now.

She will be doing her finals right now, one of the most stressful times in her life. I think you need to calm down and let the poor woman finish her degree.

@neveradullmoment99 I've had these thoughts when she said stuff, hence why I've always turned around and told her that we can't help how life falls and that I'd have rather done a degree as she has, so it works both ways... I've always handled these conversations gently because it's awkward for me too?! What am I meant to say? /:

If you know that despite everything you’ve said you’re actually super relaxed, not at all fixated and a wonderfully supportive friend, once again, why do you think she’s pulling away and not happy to do what you want?

Why does your hen do need planning now? If someone tried to tie me down to a hen do that required planning a year in advance I’d have hives and probably decline immediately.

Have you been to many weddings? They’re really not that complicated. And if the venue is busy, book another one. Likewise photographer.

@lindyhopy no, this was last year in her break, a date and time she arranged and I sorted appointments for accordingly

You sound a bit ott but I do understand your POV aswell, it must be dissapointing x

Do you think maybe she's worried about being the Matron of Honor Kocerhan3 ?She wouldn't be the first women to except whilst getting swept along in the excitement and then be dreading it(because they're nervous about being a big part of the wedding,or worried they won't know what to do ect)give her an out if you can.

Except one of your other friends offers to go to a Wedding Fayre as well,it sounds like some of your other friends really want to be involved and if you'd have a nice day out that revolves around your's and your OH's wedding with some nice friends then why not?!

My BF got married last year(we've been best friends since we were 4,39 years this july)and I was her Matron of Honor and she was mine when I got married,I did loads for her wedding,organized all of her Hen Night(it was all a surprise and she loved it)we got our nails and hair and make-up done together,went dress shopping together,me and my DH helped her and her fiance with different wedding bits and she did all of that and helped with our 5DC when me and my DH got married.

To me that's what a Matron of Honor does,they celebrate with you,give you support and they help you when you need help.

I know it's hard because your not getting what you expected that's why I think it would be a good idea to find out how your BF really feels about being your Matron Of Honor,I hope you get it sorted out and Congratulations on your upcoming Wedding

I don't think your expectations are weird especially considering since she'd originally said she said excited.

It's usual for bridesmaids to go dress shopping with the bride. People on here can be a bit weird about weddings!

I only started looking at wedding things and dates/venues August last year. Which is nothing if you consider I did nothing during November December because of xmas. So you've been looking since August 2017 even though your wedding isn't until July 2019...and nothing for two months because of Christmas?!! Unintentional comedy gold

Please tell me you'll be having a dog bringing the rings in on a cushion, or that you'll be releasing personalised artisan doves or something...

All I can think is how sorry I am for your friend

@AnneLovesGilbert I see your point.. i don't want her to plan it now, but when I and other I know have planned them, we had all sorts of research and plans in place over a year in advance /:

I've not been to one wedding fair, but other of my friends have wanted to go with me to one for my wedding.... I've always declined politely.

Why? Surely you'd rather go with people who actually want to go? It's obvious that your friend is not that interested in all the palava involved in wedding planning. I've never been interested in that sort of thing, so never went to any wedding fairs when organising my own wedding. I didn't even go dress shopping, I ordered my dress online from the US, and because my two bridesmaids lived hundreds of miles away (from me and each other) they bought the same dress from different branches of Debenhams, and I reimbursed them.
My MOH just wore something she already had that went with the general vibe of the outfits. And she couldn't make my hen do, which was a cocktail night at my house, so she had nothing to organise.

The wedding's not until next year, yet you were dress searching last year. That's very early, so I can understand her lack of enthusiasm, especially if it's not the sort of thing she's interested in.

What do you want for your hen do? Unless it's a week/end away somewhere that needs to be booked early, then it's still a bit soon to be organising it.

Sorry but YABU & almost everyone has said you are expecting too much. A wedding is about the vow between you and your husband - the other stuff is just an aside. It seems like a long time to expect someone to be excited - maybe she is having second thoughts and is worried she will have to organize lots and give up weekends trying stuff on. I'm really not that into weddings and would probably find this quite dull. Even though everyone has said you are expecting too much you are still trying to justify why she is not doing a good enough job.
Don't let this sour what sounds like an otherwise solid friendship.

@HeckyPeck

"I don't think your expectations are weird especially considering since she'd originally said she said excited."

What else could she say?! "Oh fucking hell, do i have to?"

"I'd be at least pretending to be excited every couple months when it's bought up if it meant so much to a friend that close to me?"

I had a 10 year long engagement to a man who lived in a different country (financial and immigration reasons) so I know all about that side of things, but I would certainly have struggled to maintain interest in the details of a wedding over a year ago that was being brought up every few months. I love weddings, I loved my own wedding, but a year in advance is just too much; I'd worry you'd have worked yourself into the proper bridezilla stage by that time.