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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really annoyed that our Italian au pair....

274 replies

Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 18:47

Arrived last Thursday and is going home on Sunday. Basically she's 20 and has never lived away from home before, including visiting anywhere else in her home country. She hasn't worked since leaving school at 18 (she has a £1k iPhone NOT that I'm jealous). We found out she has a serious dairy allergy (we knew from our Skype calls she had an issue with eating dairy) we only found out on Sunday that she carries an epipen and can't touch cheese.
She's decided to go back home because she just was crying all the time. She's not offered to help at all and I just had to ask her to clean up after herself when she makes a meal, i.e crumbs and washing up the plate. DH and I had to go to a funeral today (elderly relative) and I got dressed up with high heels some make up and a fairly dressy navy dressed compared to what I've worn since she's been here. Before we left she couldn't stop staring at me and I felt very uncomfortable, I'm in my 40s with two DCs for goodness sake! I've now got four more days of this, she doesn't want me to leave her on her own! Heeelp. I do want her to go. I feel on one hand a bitch for feeling like this and on the other very annoyed...

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 09/05/2018 18:49

Seriously? You could try having some compassion.

throwcushions · 09/05/2018 18:50

Bit of a stream of consciousness there. Why is it relevant that she doesn't eat cheese?

icelollycraving · 09/05/2018 18:50

Just think of it that at least you knew early on. Be kind, you’ll feel better for it.
She’s clearly too naive to have thought it through.

50shadesofgreyismylaundry · 09/05/2018 18:51

Really Pinky? Would you not be annoyed at all by that and want to vent?

UnicornRainbowColours · 09/05/2018 18:51

Poor girl is homesick, I’ve been a new Nanny in a different country and it’s very hard the first few days. Perhaps sitting down and talking to her?

ShatnersBassoon · 09/05/2018 18:51

It would be quite unusual for an unworldly young foreigner to fit straight in with your family, wouldn't it?

The EpiPen thing is neither here nor there, not sure why her not eating cheese has disappointed you so much.

sonjadog · 09/05/2018 18:52

She sounds very strange. Odd way for a 20 year old to behave. Could you not get her on an earlier flight?

Mannix · 09/05/2018 18:52

I've never had an au pair but a couple of my friends have and I think this is fairly par for the course. A fair proportion of them do get homesick and go home early. (Although three days may be a record!)

Ticketsfrom · 09/05/2018 18:53

She sounds desperately unhappy, perhaps her parents felt they were doing the right thing pushing her out of the nest but it’s clearlyntoo much for her. Inconvenient though this is for you you should show some kindness and make the best of this. One day you might be relying on a stranger to be kind to a child of yours.

witchofzog · 09/05/2018 18:53

She sounds like someone with no life skills who has probably been babied by her parents. I am not sure what to suggest. Why can she not be on her own?

crimsonlake · 09/05/2018 18:54

Good grief have some empathy for the girl. Are you helping her feel at home at all?

Ticketsfrom · 09/05/2018 18:54

Not sure about the relevance of the cheese allergy, would that be so desperately inconvenient to manage, surely she just doesn’t eat cheese?? Are you a particularly cheese heavy cook or something?

Dwellerfromunderthesink · 09/05/2018 18:54

Poor girl. Homesickness can affect even the most confident of people. She’s not been away from her home and family before and probably felt bereft. I understand your annoyance but I’m sure it’s not what she’d hoped for or imagined the experience would be like.

PinkHeart5914 · 09/05/2018 18:56

So the poor thing is 20 and away from for the first time and she’s in another country that presumably she doesn’t know that well.

How you actually tried to help her settle in?

Why is her iPhone relevant? Confused maybe her parents got her a decent phone to skype etc while she was away, that would hardly be a crime now would it?

Why is the cheese relevant? Is her not eating cheese a problem for you? Is your house made ofcheese or something?

Just be kind to her for a few days and she will be gone. If it was your dd one day, you’d want her to be treated kindly

LtGreggs · 09/05/2018 18:57

Vent away. I'd be plenty annoyed - like having an extra child.

"Don't want to eat dairy" is miles away from "can't touch cheese due to risk of anaphylaxis", esp in a general childcare role.

Hope she's paying own fare home?

We had several great au-pairs. And one that really didn't work out. His main reason - he wanted to live close to all his childhood friends from home so that he could see them all the time, and didn't want to make new friends because he'd only hang out with them for a few months. OK, but in that case maybe don't take a job in another country?

witchofzog · 09/05/2018 18:57

Why is everyone calling her a girl? At 20 she is a grown woman. Plenty of people have dc's at this age. You can get homesick at any age but please stop calling her a girl like she is a child.

RuggerHug · 09/05/2018 18:58

ShatnersBassoon I'd imagine it's more that she didn't make it clear she had such a serious allergy which could affect her even preparing food for the DCs that contain it.

Laiste · 09/05/2018 18:58

She sounds a 'young' 20. I was an old head on young shoulders at that age, so was one of my DDs. The other 2 however were/are both very young at 20 and as their mum i would be proud of them for giving it a go: leaving for Italy to live with a foreign family when they are not well traveled already.

As an employer? Well - it's a risk you take when you take on young staff from abroad i guess.

ittakes2 · 09/05/2018 18:58

I'm guessing the severe dairy allergy is more about limiting what food she can prepare for the children rather than just her avoiding eating diary.

Cuppaoftea · 09/05/2018 18:58

Will your kids only eat cheese?Confused

Not sure what the dress, high heels and makeup bit was about.

If you don't feel you can help her to settle in how about taking her out and about to see some sights and enjoy a nice meal with you all before she returns home.

leaveandletleave · 09/05/2018 18:59

I mean its normal to feel homesick but she's a 20 year old woman. And yes I have worked abroad, and at a younger age multiple times.

sonjadog · 09/05/2018 19:01

Exactly, she is a 20 year old woman. It isn´t usual for a 20 year old to cry non-stop, to not be able to clear up a plate, to not be able to be alone. Fine that she is homesick and wants to go home, but she isn´t a small child and it is strange that she is acting like one.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/05/2018 19:09

That would annoy me too OP. There's not much to be done about it though. Some people take a lot longer than others to grow up and it may be she has her own set of problems she's dealing with. I would grit my teeth and try and be as nice to her as possible, but I wouldn't be prepared to commit to not leaving her on her own at all between now and Sunday.

EssentialHummus · 09/05/2018 19:10

I'd see if you can find her an earlier flight out; she's unlikely to be of much use in the intervening four days and it sounds like you're uncomfortable with her in your home.

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 09/05/2018 19:10

I'm confused about the Epipen - can people who need Epipens not be au pairs?

Other than that she does sound a bit drippy, and you're probably better off without her.