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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really annoyed that our Italian au pair....

274 replies

Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 18:47

Arrived last Thursday and is going home on Sunday. Basically she's 20 and has never lived away from home before, including visiting anywhere else in her home country. She hasn't worked since leaving school at 18 (she has a £1k iPhone NOT that I'm jealous). We found out she has a serious dairy allergy (we knew from our Skype calls she had an issue with eating dairy) we only found out on Sunday that she carries an epipen and can't touch cheese.
She's decided to go back home because she just was crying all the time. She's not offered to help at all and I just had to ask her to clean up after herself when she makes a meal, i.e crumbs and washing up the plate. DH and I had to go to a funeral today (elderly relative) and I got dressed up with high heels some make up and a fairly dressy navy dressed compared to what I've worn since she's been here. Before we left she couldn't stop staring at me and I felt very uncomfortable, I'm in my 40s with two DCs for goodness sake! I've now got four more days of this, she doesn't want me to leave her on her own! Heeelp. I do want her to go. I feel on one hand a bitch for feeling like this and on the other very annoyed...

OP posts:
Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 20:15

I've just had a couple of friends who have met her message me this evening. They have said they were worried about us and it's for the best she goes home. I needed to vent, but we are currently making her dinner so we are trying to be good hosts.
Just annoyed, not so much with childcare plans as I have a part time childminder to help.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2018 20:16

I've just had a couple of friends who have met her message me this evening. They have said they were worried about us has she gone from a home sick 20 yo to a psychopath??

wideawak · 09/05/2018 20:17

I really doubt she would have put herself at the risk of death to make your children cheese sandwiches. Hey a grip, yes be upset your childcare hadn't worked out. That's annoying, but don't hold her allergy against her. And FYi avoiding diary because you're a vegan is nothing in comparison to having to avoid it because it can kill you.

Rach5l · 09/05/2018 20:18

What do you think the staring was about op?

Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 20:19

And BlueShoes Sometimes, they might be running away from something in their current situation, rather than embracing the new challenge of an aupair role. When they arrive, it is a big culture shock and the shine wears off quickly when they realise it is not what they thought living with another family in a different country without their support system.*
That also rings true. Those of you who think I'm jealous of the iPhone I should have added - she is looking at it all the time. Even when walking with myself and the children, I've had to ask her to put it away quite a few times. Not now she's going though...

OP posts:
Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 20:24

Sleeping because our family has been hit by a few tragedies in the last few weeks, they don't want us to have something else to worry about.
wide I brought veganism up because at first we only thought she had an issue eating dairy, not touching it. We've put the dairy in a separate part of the fridge now. I'm amazed how some people here are saying they wouldn't be concerned to find out someone they had in their house had a life threatening allergy?!!

OP posts:
Bluelady · 09/05/2018 20:25

Your friends are worried about you? Are they envisaging you waking up to find a horse's head on your pillow?

Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 20:25

Rach I think one of the other posts here explained why, I think it's because I wasn't wearing black and had made an effort, but it was for a family member and we knew we were seeing relatives we hadn't seen for a while so we made a real effort. As someone pointed out - in Italy you don't do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 20:26

Bluelady don't worry me!

OP posts:
CocoaGin · 09/05/2018 20:42

She'd be on the first flight home that I could find her tbh.

She sounds very immature and unprepared for life away from home.

You've probably both learned a valuable lesson.

Rachie1973 · 09/05/2018 20:44

Madonnasbiggestfan
I've just had a couple of friends who have met her message me this evening. They have said they were worried about us

Are they often this dramatic over homesick girls?

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 09/05/2018 20:48

I'm amazed how some people here are saying they wouldn't be concerned to find out someone they had in their house had a life threatening allergy?!!

We have several - I guess we're just used to them. I am concerned by the implication that we shouldn't have jobs or live in other people's houses because of our allergies.

sonjadog · 09/05/2018 20:48

Why is everyone calling her a girl?? Usually everyone is all over posters who say 18 year olds are girls, never mind a 20 year old...

Casschops · 09/05/2018 20:48

She is in a new country and probably feeling very vulnerable too. Try and be nice for the remaining time she is there she might actually be staring at you in your outfit because she thinks you looked lovely. Give her a chance OP.

Tansytaylor · 09/05/2018 20:59

I have a 19 year old daughter and I suspect that most of the posters responding don't

Trust me, they're still girls. You can call them young women but they need just as much help and guidance as well, they ever have really!

YellowStages · 09/05/2018 21:00

I'm 20 with a DC and home of my own, as well as a professional job.

I cannot imagine swanning into someone else's home, and not even trying to do my job that I was being paid and employed to do Confused

How utterly ridiculous. I understand she's homesick and that's fine, but the way she's acting is like a spoilt child.

Really bizarre replies OP. She's suppose to be a working professional, not an extra child.

I bet you cannot wait to see the back of her.

Cuppaoftea · 09/05/2018 21:04

The anecdote about the school gate where she took the initiative to chat to the Italian Mum and arrange going out doesn't sound like the always tearful, clingy girl woman you're painting a picture of.

So you don’t like her much, trying to now hint she's creepy and weird is bullying behaviour towards a woman 20 years younger. Your friends 'worried for you' fgs. Imagine any of your DCs when older being discussed like this on an online forum by a family they were staying with abroad.

Her crimes, being allergic to cheese, not having any work experience or having travelled abroad (you knew this before hiring her), being more sociable with another Mum than you and possibly disliking your outfitHmm

alltheworld · 09/05/2018 21:07

I had an au pair who started crying the minute she arrived on Friday night and told me she wanted to leave Saturday lunchtime. She then wanted me to give her two weeks notice before she left. I ended up paying for a flight home on Monday to get rid of her

Echobelly · 09/05/2018 21:17

Unfortunately some APs do arrive and find they simply can't take it, sometimes through no fault at all of the hosts. Hope she can make a clean break of it and you find someone for whom this is the right thing soon.

We took a total chance on our first AP and she was great, our current one is good but not as good as she was, and I'm sure we will have a disaster at some point too, it seems to happen to everyone. Good luck to you and to her.

TatianaLarina · 09/05/2018 21:20

I have a 19 year old daughter and I suspect that most of the posters responding don't

Yeah we’ve never been 19 year olds ourself and don’t know what they’re like at all.

I was 13 when I first went to stay with a French family I’d never met. I didn’t cry once, I don’t even remember feeling homesick.

TatianaLarina · 09/05/2018 21:21

How utterly ridiculous. I understand she's homesick and that's fine, but the way she's acting is like a spoilt child.

Really bizarre replies OP. She's suppose to be a working professional, not an extra child.

Agreed.

Tansytaylor · 09/05/2018 21:27

Err good for you Tatiana Confused

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/05/2018 21:33

I am concerned by the implication that we shouldn't have jobs or live in other people's houses because of our allergies.

The concern over the allergy wasn't that she had it, but that she didn't communicate the severity for days.

MissWritenow · 09/05/2018 21:33

I don't understand the flaming - or the whole "if you pay peanuts ... Bottom feeders" thing?! Where did the OP say it was cheap labour?! Surely it's just an unfortunate situation which - especially after family tragedies, etc. - the OP understandably wanted to vent and ask advice on? Maybe I'm missing something? Have I missed a bit where the au pair was said to be getting paid a pittance?

TatianaLarina · 09/05/2018 21:38

Good for ‘girls’ in general I’d say.

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