To feel really annoyed that our Italian au pair....

[Madonnasbiggestfan]

Arrived last Thursday and is going home on Sunday. Basically she's 20 and has never lived away from home before, including visiting anywhere else in her home country. She hasn't worked since leaving school at 18 (she has a £1k iPhone NOT that I'm jealous). We found out she has a serious dairy allergy (we knew from our Skype calls she had an issue with eating dairy) we only found out on Sunday that she carries an epipen and can't touch cheese.
She's decided to go back home because she just was crying all the time. She's not offered to help at all and I just had to ask her to clean up after herself when she makes a meal, i.e crumbs and washing up the plate. DH and I had to go to a funeral today (elderly relative) and I got dressed up with high heels some make up and a fairly dressy navy dressed compared to what I've worn since she's been here. Before we left she couldn't stop staring at me and I felt very uncomfortable, I'm in my 40s with two DCs for goodness sake! I've now got four more days of this, she doesn't want me to leave her on her own! Heeelp. I do want her to go. I feel on one hand a bitch for feeling like this and on the other very annoyed...

Goldie, do you think the minimum wage and accommodation offset law should be scrapped then? I find it strange that we have a minimum wage law but that there is a very specific class of workers who are excluded from this protection.

You mentioned the low number of hours - true, but the hours are also staggered in an inconvenient shift system with lots of trapped time. Is it really her own time if she has a few hours in the afternoon around drop offs and pick ups?

Good childcare isn't cheap, and it shouldn't be cheap either as the people who care for children deserve to live a decent and dignified life with pensions etc as strongmummy has said. I do agree that it would be a good thing if the government subsidised childcare, but I don't think exploiting young people is the answer. You say that the au pair has more disposable income than you have, but you probably have savings, a property and a pension. She has nothing but a measly £100 a week.

@harshbuttrue1980 split shits are common in hospitality and catering , which is essentially what before and after school care is

*Bluntness100

I'm fairly sure shed have to ingest the cheese so no, not obvious. 🤣*

And it's that ignorance of the severity allergies can have that can cause problems for those suffering (before I offend you I mean ignorance in the proper sense that you lack knowledge on that subject rather than me calling you stupid). This is the widely held view in this country and nowhere near enough people are aware of the tragic consequences allergies can have. If she has an allergy severe enough to warrant an epipen then there is a huge chance that she might not have to eat it.

I have an anaphylactic level allergy to latex. I don't even have to touch it but just touch something that's been in contact. My son came home from college on his birthday last week and shortly after giving him a hug my theoat started closing up. He'd been in contact with balloons in college and forgot to wash his hands really well. That's about as serious an allergy as you can get. We have a child at my kids school who is so allergic to peanuts that if another child ate them before school he could react to the traces of peanuts on their breath.

For you to say you're fairly sure she would have to ingest the cheese I can see that you're one of those people who doesn't understand the severity and it's that view on things that makes it really hard for me as there are so many people who don't understand that this could easily kill me.

When considering that I do think that the fact that the au pair neglected to tell OP that she was so severely allergic was dishonest and a really stupid thing to do. Having someone work for you that's so severely allergic would likely mean you can never have anything with cheese in it in your house again and that you can't even eat something containing cheese due to the risk of molecules left on you causing a reaction. I know how much cheese my kids get through so I can't imagine that being very popular here. However you couldn't refuse to employ someone based on a disability (which allergies this severe are). That might be different for an au pair - I don't know what the rules are. I can see why OP is really unhappy about that because they could have inadvertently killed this woman.

Not sure of the relevance of the OP looking at you, the funeral or the fact she has an iPhone (that could easily have been a going away present from her parents to use in face timing them). The only issues here I see as relevant as the undisclosed severity of her allergy and the fact that she seems unwilling to do any part of her job. Au pairs are supposed to do the housework for you while you work rather than you having to clear up after them. They are supposed to look after your children so that they're not left alone rather than you having to make sure the au pair isn't left alone. Obviously it would never work and when she's that homesick then it's best for her to go home IMO. I do feel sorry for her because I have a son two years younger and he's so immature compared to me at his age (when I already had given birth to him and had to grow up). Maybe she thought she was grown up enough to do this but it hit her like a brick wall when she got here. Maybe she's just scared to be on her own in a country she knows nothing about and nobody in. I can see why that could be the case and I think that it'd be a nice thing to try to comfort her if possible. That said, I think those who are saying OP is the unreasonable one to be annoyed by this are unrealistic. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be irritated when their au pair is making their life harder rather than easier. I don't know the rules about au pairs as I've never had one - do you have to pay for their travel over here? If so I would be even more annoyed at the situation.

@harshbuttrue1980 - no I am not saying that at all, because the two cannot and should not be compared. The au pair system is so much more than "cheap childcare" and it should not be viewed as such. It's a cultural/language exchange and the au pair is paid pocket money for work which I would expect any child of mine at the same age to help with if they were living at home.

To date, my au pairs have taken courses in english and/or in their chosen field. One of my au pairs was a doctor and did a specialist English course to enable her to do a PHD in the UK or the States. Another worked on her masters and travelled home as needed. They get "full immersion" English whilst living here and they live in a safe home with a family setting, not a hovel in London. I know this is important to their parents. The whole family has close relationships with them and we keep in touch when they leave.

For all intents and purposes it is a student visit, and I certainly wasn't earning a pension, saving or buying property when I was a student!

** blueshoes
Why would the child even care whether the aupair was in the house or not? My children (who had aupairs between the ages of 1 and 14) never shed a tear at an aupair leaving however much they liked their aupair. Must be a very sensitive child.**

I agree that in this case it's unlikely a child would sob their heart out over the aupair but I don't think that's true in general. I've never had an au pain but we had a nanny for nearly three years (starting from when my youngest was two). When she handed in her notice my children were absolutely beside themselves - especially the youngest one who had probably spent more quality time with the nanny than me at that time due to the shifts and number of hours I had to work. Just because your children have never been upset over any aupair leaving doesn't mean that children who do get upset are oversensitive. I would find it strange to not have formed a strong attachment with someone they spent that amount of time with.

Strongmummy She’s homesick and sad and you’re moaning coz she looked at you strangely? You sound lacking in compassion and you should try and get her an earlier flight. Also I find it really irritating when people who get au pairs moan like this. You know what you’re signing up for .....a student with no childcare qualification wanting cheap board. They are not nannies. Why expect them to behave in a professional manner? They’re lodgers. If you can’t afford a nanny, find other more affordable professional childcare

Your reply makes no sense - if you're saying to treat them like lodgers then this woman still sucks. If I had a lodger living with me I would expect that person to clean up after themselves. I wouldn't expect to be cooking for them and I wouldn't be clearing up mess left behind by them behaving like another child in the house. I also wouldn't expect to have to stay in the house or by my lodgers side all the time because that lodger is scared to be alone. Finally, she's not paying any rent, bills, food or anything else and is being given £100 per week for working about 4 hours a day. You make it sound like it's then unreasonable to expect that person to do anything that she agreed to when she moved in. I've heard stories of au pairs being treated shockingly - being expected to work 90 hour weeks for practically no money. That's not the case here and this woman is absolutely taking the piss. I'm not sure why anyone thinks that it's okay for her to do that just because she's supposedly young (20 to me isn't really that young - you've been an adult for two years and should be acting as such).

mum I am to some extent going by more own experience. I was lucky enough to get a place at university having just turned 18 (I have a summer birthday), by the age of 21 I had travelled during my holidays and lived abroad for three months. I did get terribly homesick but I go on with it. If she is so adamant she wants to be an air steward she needs to brazen it out. I have to admit when I first met her in RL I thought she looked quite cool and worldly, she has multiple tatoos (tasteful) and ear piercings up her lobe (helix - when I was younger I wanted to get this done). Her image (she instagrams everything) is so at odds with how she is behaving. Which is like that of a child. Her friend picks her up tomorrow night.

@Goldilocks3Bears harshbuttrue your maths are flawed. This is why: The au pair is unqualified so lets compare to similar unqualified jobs, same age etc. around here. With £100 cash straight in the pocket each week, plus overtime for any nights I'm late from work or have an event, that's effectively the pay yes, but if you compare it to what she would "have" working the SAME HOURS, i.e. 15-20 per week in a 'real' job, then having to pay tax on that and rent a room which is going for at least £400 pcm around here, plus bills for groceries, gas/leccy, TV/Broadband....... she'd be a LOT worse off. In fact, she would not be able to live and study which most of mine do as they have so much free time.

I totally agree with this post. There are lots of people on this thread (@Strongmummy more than most) who seem to be ignoring that fact. They keep going on about how these poor young girls are being exploited and how terrible it is and how they want it to stop. There are so many women out there who love the fact they were able to do this when they were younger. To be able to see parts of the world and gain experience this way is a great thing. Although there are those who exploit others I don't see this being the norm. It's not right to compare their wages to minimum wage without taking everything into account. That £100 per week for about 16 hours per week as OP has written it is disposable incline. That's what they have to save or spend on whatever they wish after every single bill has been paid for them. That's £450 per calendar month and is far far more than many people in this country have. I don't understand why you're getting yourself upset and saying they are being exploited. I'm sure there are plenty of nannies out there who don't have that much left after bills

*mumofmany81: Just because your children have never been upset over any aupair leaving doesn't mean that children who do get upset are oversensitive.

First of all, I used the term "sensitive", not "oversensitive". Secondly, it is in the context of a child who blames herself for an aupair she barely knows leaving. Not a child who cries for a beloved nanny of 3 years leaving.The OP has since given more background and I have accepted it made sense in her dd's case.

To be clear I’ve not said these girls ARE being exploited I said they CAN be. The fact they are not protected by employment law does not sit right with me as they have no legal back up. My main gripe is the mums on here moaning about shit au pairs when they are entrusting their kids to young adults with no childcare experience!! What do you expect fgs?!?!

And @goldie you make clear that the cost of kids clubs and the au pair is the same .... your kids would just have to get up earlier.

Is your house made of cheese....best comment ever

Oh and my 16 month old has an epipen to clear it up he doesn't need to ingest for a reaction merely contact

Strongmummy: I also find there’s a sheen of smugness over having an au pair, as if it’s a rite of passage to being middle class.

So you have shown your hand. That is the real reason you are annoyed.

How dare we "smug" middle-class parents try to find a mutually beneficial arrangement which is not exploitative on both sides. How dare we open our homes to no shortage of prospective aupairs who don't seem put off by slave wages. You are patronising to both aupairs and the families who host them.

@strongmummy - you said "harshbuttrue I completely agree with you. I also find there’s a sheen of smugness over having an au pair, as if it’s a rite of passage to being middle class. In truth it’s just a tight way to get childcare. If you can’t afford to pay minimum wage, find alternative childcare , eg after school clubs, child minder, etc" .... and I explained to you why being looked after in their home by the au pair is the better option than being in after school club as I also would not be able to get home in time to collect them but you've clearly not read that part of the post or just didn't like the answer.

You clearly have some chip on your shoulder about it being a middle class badge and now backtracking saying it's about employment law. pleeeeease. The truth is that many families who rely on the au pair system ARE on the minimum wage themselves. How can they afford a nanny?

Banging on about exploiting students and employee rights - they are students, they don't get pensions and maternity leave that's true but trust me, "working" and living in my house whilst learning a new language, making friends for life and seeing a new country on your time off seems a better option than flipping burgers in Romania. In fact, one of my Romanian au pairs was able to save up the £500 it costs for a whole year of uni in Romania and several of the girls have saved up for things back home or helped their parents out. Because they are adults, have a plan, and are travelling the world to get to their end goal. Not all frightened little damsels in distress.

When I come back from London, at 7.45pm at the earliest, do you know what I find? I find children who've had a lovely afternoon going to their clubs, playing in the park or watching a movie, done homework, had a relaxed dinner in their own home and who are calmed down and ready for bed. More often than not, the kids and the au pair are in a giant pile snuggled up on the sofa. Poor au pair....

In terms of exploitation, yes there are people out there who take the p*ss and treat them like maids. That is wrong and thankfully those people are far and few between. Why you would have someone living in your house with such tension is not clear to me.

By the same token, the girl OP describes sounds downright odd. She is an adult and the constant crying and not being able to travel home alone is just weird. Can you imagine her working as cabin crew and managing a flight full of passengers in an emergency? erhm, nope.

The girls I have had have had a mix of childcare experience ranging from none to some. The important thing is they are responsible, warm, and want to be there. I'm not looking for Mary Poppins but can report with joy that my kids bake and cook, garden, dance, paint, play and do all sorts with them. Unless you are very unlucky, you rarely get a poor au pair.

The whingeing is about some of the ones that are spoilt rotten, expecting sandwiches made for them like someone said and, trust me, looking at the profiles online of some of the british and irish girls, they can be as bad as the rest...

@blueshoes, I employ a nanny, have a cleaner, a personal trainer and a yoga teacher. I shop at Waitrose and drive a Range Rover. I work in the City. I’m the epitome of smug middle class so trust me, that’s not why I’m irked. As I’ve said before it’s the sheer surprise people who employ au pairs have that their ward who isn’t a child care professional, who they’ve not extensively interviewed and who hasn’t met their kids may be crap at the job!!! I also have issues with people not being protected by employment law!!

Anyone commenting on this who does NOT have an au pair or any previous experience of this, please STFU.

Rude?

Intact do you know what you stroppy mare why don't you stfu thinking people give a shit about your self obsessive shitty arse issues. Oh does ones hired help no do every last thing they should were your shoes not freshly polished this morninh. Pull your head out of your arse and get s real problem

But it would be difficult to apply employment rights with someone who you take on trust without a proper interview process and is supposed to live as part of the family. Expectations on both sides would escalate if au pairing became a formal job. Ok, so it might weed out unkind and exploititive hosts (I worked with a woman who was telling me that she had to make it clear to her au pair that there was the family food and the au pair food, and the au pair was not to eat their M&S stuff ) but then would also cause a decline in friendly and kind behaviour. Would a treat of a cinema trip and pizza be considered working time?

The only smugness I see on this thead is from strongmummy

Yes, I’m very smug, and it comes from knowing I pay people who make my life easier a fair wage

Oh Jesus wept.......

Take a look at my figures posted upthread, are you suggesting it’s not a fair deal? For someone who claims to work in the city your maths is poor.

And you’ve completely failed to grasp the cultural point of au pairing.

It is almost impossible to exploit an aupair. Funnily enough, they could leave any time they want for another family. I have not known an aupair to stay for long if it were not the right conditions for her. Hence I make a lot of effort to describe the role and what it involves, good and bad, and settle her in.

Any concern for aupairs is well meaning but misplaced. As a host family, I'd like some protection from time wasters and piss takes.