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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really annoyed that our Italian au pair....

274 replies

Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 18:47

Arrived last Thursday and is going home on Sunday. Basically she's 20 and has never lived away from home before, including visiting anywhere else in her home country. She hasn't worked since leaving school at 18 (she has a £1k iPhone NOT that I'm jealous). We found out she has a serious dairy allergy (we knew from our Skype calls she had an issue with eating dairy) we only found out on Sunday that she carries an epipen and can't touch cheese.
She's decided to go back home because she just was crying all the time. She's not offered to help at all and I just had to ask her to clean up after herself when she makes a meal, i.e crumbs and washing up the plate. DH and I had to go to a funeral today (elderly relative) and I got dressed up with high heels some make up and a fairly dressy navy dressed compared to what I've worn since she's been here. Before we left she couldn't stop staring at me and I felt very uncomfortable, I'm in my 40s with two DCs for goodness sake! I've now got four more days of this, she doesn't want me to leave her on her own! Heeelp. I do want her to go. I feel on one hand a bitch for feeling like this and on the other very annoyed...

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/05/2018 19:12

I'm intrigued why you think she was staring at you OP?

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2018 19:14

There's quite a lot of irrelevant info in that OP.

I feel a bit sorry for her. Did she have any references?

queenofsass · 09/05/2018 19:14

Poor girl, 20 is still very young. Homesickness can affect anyone- being older doesn't make it less miserable.

UserV · 09/05/2018 19:15

I actually feel very sorry for the au pair.

Hopefully she can find a family who she fits in with a bit more. (And whose wife has more tolerance for her! Confused )

Reading between the lines, you sound a wee bit jealous of her OP.

Does your husband get on with her?

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2018 19:15

I'm a bit bemused also. I don't see what an epi pen has got to do with it, and being jealous of her phone is bizzare.

You sound like you met her and don't like her, so just get through the next four days and try to be pleasant.

stubbornstains · 09/05/2018 19:15

Well, it is a an Italian cultural thing that young people tend to live at home for longer (especially if you're a bloke!), are encouraged less to be independent and to rely more on family, so I don't find this particularly surprising. I met a LOT of young people like this when I was living in Italy.

Just try to be kind, wave her off at the airport and chalk it down to experience.

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2018 19:16

Reading between the lines, you sound a wee bit jealous of her OP. Does your husband get on with her?

I suspect that's her worry quite frankly.

WomaninGreen · 09/05/2018 19:16

YANBU op

She can't expect you to be her au pair for the next three days.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2018 19:16

I assume re epipen OP would have thought such a serious allergy should have been disclosed for her own safety? She could have inadvertently come in to contact with cheese in those three days and they wouldn't have been prepared for how serious it is?

Aridane · 09/05/2018 19:17

What an odd opening post

MsGameandWatching · 09/05/2018 19:18

Staring at you? In your high heels etc...Are you suggesting she has the hots for you or something? Confused

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2018 19:18

Before we left she couldn't stop staring at me and I felt very uncomfortable, I'm in my 40s with two DCs for goodness sake

What does this even mean? Do you think she fancies you? Or she's jealous of you because you're so gorgeous? Confused

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 09/05/2018 19:20

Reading between the lines, you sound a wee bit jealous of her OP.

Yes. Such an odd rant about the au pair looking at her...

People are saying it's strange for a 20-year-old to be homesick. I think the OP's rant is far stranger.

LtGreggs · 09/05/2018 19:22

Surely the epipen problem is obvious? If cheese is an everyday food for your children (which is surely not unusual in UK or Italy) and you employ someone that you expect to have sole care of your children and they have not told you in advance that cheese is potentially life threatening to them - you wouldn't want to find that out the hard way?! And you'd think that she wouldn't either - thus questioning her judgement in not discussing with you?

Katinkka · 09/05/2018 19:23

Bizarre

PaintedHorizons · 09/05/2018 19:23

The cheese allergy is extremely relevant. It effectively means that you cannot have cheese in the house if she is doing the cooking and she cannot prepare cheese for the kids. (Can she cook with butter? Can she give them yoghurts?)

I would be annoyed of my kids had to give up cheese sandwiches, cheesy pasta, baked potatoes and cheese etc for an au pair. That is why it is relevant.

Yes be kind to her - as there is not much else you can do. Book an early flight back if you can. if you are booking through an agency will they refund any costs?

Very problematic if it leaves you with no childcare though

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2018 19:23

I'm fairly sure shed have to ingest the cheese so no, not obvious. 🤣

SnailMailFan · 09/05/2018 19:24

I thought perhaps she was really hot for you, in your navy. Another reason could be (and I honestly have no clue) perhaps where she comes from everyone wears black to funerals, and maybe navy is akin to wearing a crop top and having your thong showing out of the back of your skinny jeans.

GorgeousJaws · 09/05/2018 19:25

Yeah, the staring at you part is a bit weird, as is the cheese allergy..

leaveandletleave · 09/05/2018 19:26

Maybe the op is pissed off because she was banking on getting an italian au pair who could make homemade pizza amd then the dairy allergy rears its head.

Maybe the navy of your outfit took her back to the Amalfi waves and her happy childhood days...

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2018 19:28

Actually if she's not very well travelled, pish navy and heels to a funeral might seem controversial?

DuchyDuke · 09/05/2018 19:29

My guess is she was a bit horrified that you wore navy instead of black to a funeral. A lot of my Italian friends are the same.

Also, in the case of nannies and au pairs, you get what you pay for. Pay rock bottom prices and you will get bottom feeders.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/05/2018 19:30

Reading between the lines, you sound a wee bit jealous of her OP. Does your husband get on with her?

I suspect that's her worry quite frankly.

Because there's nothing more attractive someone who can't stop crying!

poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 19:30

Maybe she thought you looked pretty/attractive and that's why she stared at you. She sounds very young and insecure. Try to be gentle with her. This is all new to her and she is homesick.

Ruffian · 09/05/2018 19:30

Bit of a change here from the usual line on here about people being an ADULT as soon as they hit 18. Now it's poor liddle 20 year old??

Anyway, weird of her to apply for the post when she's so immature and crazy not to inform you of a potentially life-threatening allergy. She sounds like a pita so YANBU.

Don't understand the staring thing.