To feel really annoyed that our Italian au pair....

[Madonnasbiggestfan]

Arrived last Thursday and is going home on Sunday. Basically she's 20 and has never lived away from home before, including visiting anywhere else in her home country. She hasn't worked since leaving school at 18 (she has a £1k iPhone NOT that I'm jealous). We found out she has a serious dairy allergy (we knew from our Skype calls she had an issue with eating dairy) we only found out on Sunday that she carries an epipen and can't touch cheese.
She's decided to go back home because she just was crying all the time. She's not offered to help at all and I just had to ask her to clean up after herself when she makes a meal, i.e crumbs and washing up the plate. DH and I had to go to a funeral today (elderly relative) and I got dressed up with high heels some make up and a fairly dressy navy dressed compared to what I've worn since she's been here. Before we left she couldn't stop staring at me and I felt very uncomfortable, I'm in my 40s with two DCs for goodness sake! I've now got four more days of this, she doesn't want me to leave her on her own! Heeelp. I do want her to go. I feel on one hand a bitch for feeling like this and on the other very annoyed...

WOW! Bully for you!

Just a bit a context for the ridiculous ‘poor ickle homesick 20 year old child can’t cope’.

The whole point of an au pair is in the name, au pair means equal, they aren't supposed to be a cheap nanny or other domestic employee. They are meant to be a part of your family and to help out as a member of your family would, no more than that. They go to another country to learn its language and about its culture, they aren't nannies. You are supposed to treat them as you would a younger member of your own family.
Many young women go off as a jeune fille au pair abroad and get a horrible surprise because the family they go to doesn't know this and sees them just as cheap child-care solution, and because they are young, foreign and not in fact wise to the job market, they are easily exploited.

The fact she did not have a job before is a red flag. Many of my worst aupairs were effectively unemployable. They might have a reason (job situation bad) but you could ask what sort of jobs were you looking for, did you get interviews, what about part time jobs, to suss out whether they are evasive (did not actually job hunt) or sound frustrated (as anyone with a modicum of ambition would be).

I don't expect full time job experience, but look out for aupairs who have done hard part time jobs, like waitressing or working in a kitchen or bar. Camp counsellor is good but it depends on their level of involvement. They might either lead or just an extra pair of eyes and hands.

Try to avoid drifters. They don't particularly care about the children or the quality of their work. In your case, she did not even want to work, sheesh.

You are supposed to treat them as you would a younger member of your own family.

Which is what most people do and there’s no implication the OP is not.

Having had au pairs as an adult and as a child - the vast majority turn up - mature, independent, sensible, emotionally well adjusted adults ready to take part in family life. All of ours studied English while they were here.

At 19 I went to l live and work abroad for my gap year. The idea that 20 year olds are children who can’t cope with being away from home and have to be mollycoddled is really bizarre.

@Madonnasbiggestfan This isn’t really a supportive community is it

It can be, it really can be.

But not in this section, so much. This is AIBU and there are lots of people here who get their kicks by putting others down or "cleverly" claiming posters are trolls. If you want more sensible advice / support, seek out the section that's relevant to your query, e.g. childcare.

MN can be great, but AIBU is a bit of a monster IMO.

"At 19 I went to l live and work abroad for my gap year. The idea that 20 year olds are children who can’t cope with being away from home and have to be mollycoddled is really bizarre."

I agree that a 20 year old ought to be able to stand on their own two feet. However, it is dramatically obvious that nowadays, many cannot. (I think this is partly the fault of parents, ironically!) If you do end up with a 20 year old who is still basically a child and has no coping skills or resilience, you can't just simply fulminate that they ought to have these things. It doesn't solve the immediate problem that they don't have the skills to manage. As with most situations that involve people not coping in life, a good dose of compassion and care doesn't go amiss.

She's taking the piss op and I would be annoyed too. She's going home soon so just wait it out until then

Not got time to rtt, but just to say that she is Italian. I have just a little bit of knowledge of Italian young people (ie, a lot!).

They are often very spoilt and babyish compared with UK counterparts. Used to being catered for, their every need met. They often stay in higher education till they’re 30, and almost never leave home until they marry. I know masses of middle-aged Italians who have never married and live at home. In fact it’s a bit of a crisis there.

There is high unemployment so getting a job - any job, let alone a part-time, Saturday or holiday-type job - is impossible unless it’s through a contact.

Also most Italians are poorly travelled. They usually go on holiday to the same Italian spots for generations, not even venturing to the South if you’re from the North and vice versa. Foreign language skills are often atrocious; a bit like the British!

Sorry, family, for the hatchet job (!) but I thought i’d offer some insight into the young Italian...

I don’t agree it’s ‘many’ pig, not ime. Only a few. What I was critisising is not the girls themselves but the perception on here that this is normal and par for the course. I don’t think it is.

Many women on this forum would have been away at uni for a year or two by the time they were 20. Some women are mothers themselves by 20.

What solves the immediate problem is to put them on the plane home.

criticising ^^

MN can be great, but AIBU is a bit of a monster IMO.

AIBU can be a great place to get some perspective.

The more I read I feel OP is (understandably) not in a great place due to recent bereavements and really isn't wanting to have to make the effort to help this young woman settle in to her family at the current time.

Perhaps there's a personality and culture clash between them too.

So OP is coming up with all sorts of reasons (some bizarre) as well as dramatic statements on friends concerns to justify sending her straight home rather than giving it time. Going straight home does seem the best thing for the young woman but I think the fault for the arrangement failing so quickly lies on both sides. Something OP doesn't want to hear.

I think the fault for the arrangement failing so quickly lies on both sides

There is no evidence for this.

The young woman sounds totally unsuited to au pairing.

Tatiana - I'm not sure that going away to uni is actually that much of a sign of being resilient or grown up any more. I teach undergraduates, and they are less self-reliant and less able to cope now than they were 10 or 15 years ago. They expect to be spoon-fed (even though this isn't in their best interests as students, and actually damages their ability to develop independent research and critical thinking skills), and are less independently minded. There are still kids who are 20 have done amazing things all around the world, mind, but they are much fewer and further between than they used to be. It's not just a few individuals, in my opinon there is a general trend towards the under 25s being less resilient, independent and able to cope - in short, less grown up.

Lots of au pairs don't work out for whatever reason, OP. Be philosophical!

I don't think this is the OP's fault. Of course you cannot have an au pair who cannot prepare food for the children and of course the au pair shouldn't have stared rudely at OP.

I also don't think that it would be a solution to hire a British au pair. I have never met anyone who were pleased with their British au pair. Funnily, they have all complained about pretty much the same things that posters here have said about Italian au pairs: immature, not used to doing household chores, like having an extra teenage child instead of being of any help.

And I must ask: "cheap labour"? You call them cheap? Maybe the wages are not that high, but add in food, board, the higher utility bills and the plane ticket and then it cannot be called anywhere near "cheap".

I wasn’t actually using uni as an example of being ‘resiliant or grown up’ simply an example of surviving away from home in a way this au pair is not.

I don’t dispute that in broad terms young people are less self reliant than they used to be - that is why I find attitudes on this thead irritating - it’s precisely those attitudes that feed the trend. But cases such as the OP are still very much the minority - someone who cannot cope with being away from home at all.

Lots of people saying “ poor little au pair” but the op is her employer, not her Mum.
I’ve heard lots of horror tales about au pairs, from the giant phone bills, the tears and boyfriend staying over issues, stealing clothes and posting them home and the most hilarious one where, even though supplied with a telly in her room, the girl used to plonk herself on the sofa between my mate and her DH and crunch her way through a big pack of crisps.
I never had an au pair due to these probs.

^^resilient!

Okay she would have got weekends off - Been paid £100 plus extra over holidays. She would have been helping the children 7-9am four mornings a week and after school 3.30-5.30 on Fridays. My children are at after school club and activities Monday- Thursday. Is that so bad. Plus own room in commuter belt and all food paid for?
I have been really welcoming to her. We have had another au pair. I will post in childcare next time.

£100 a week.

YANBU. I'd be annoyed. I hope you haven't paid for her flights! I get homesick, but does t sound like she's thought the whole thing through. Maybe look for an older Aupair next time?

Mn is generally hostile to people who use aupairs even in the childcare boards. AIBU will be even worse as OP, you are finding out. Many posters on AIBU would never have used aupairs before.

With aupairs, it is fail fast fail often, if necessary, because the hiring process is such an imperfect process at best of times.

Be prepared for turnover of aupairs is a fact of life. The silver lining is that this aupair is such a no brainer she goes home in the first week. The worst are those who limp along, you performance manage and limp along on life support some more until one or both decide it is not worth it - usually 4 months down the road. That is painful.

Mn is generally hostile to people who use aupairs even in the childcare boards

Generally because they use them as cheap nannies, completely wrongly.

£100 a week is generous for such light hours. It is not the terms of your aupair role, it is this particular aupair.

There will still be people who will come along and tell you not to exploit young girls to do childcare for peanuts and that is why you are getting monkeys.