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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really annoyed that our Italian au pair....

274 replies

Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 18:47

Arrived last Thursday and is going home on Sunday. Basically she's 20 and has never lived away from home before, including visiting anywhere else in her home country. She hasn't worked since leaving school at 18 (she has a £1k iPhone NOT that I'm jealous). We found out she has a serious dairy allergy (we knew from our Skype calls she had an issue with eating dairy) we only found out on Sunday that she carries an epipen and can't touch cheese.
She's decided to go back home because she just was crying all the time. She's not offered to help at all and I just had to ask her to clean up after herself when she makes a meal, i.e crumbs and washing up the plate. DH and I had to go to a funeral today (elderly relative) and I got dressed up with high heels some make up and a fairly dressy navy dressed compared to what I've worn since she's been here. Before we left she couldn't stop staring at me and I felt very uncomfortable, I'm in my 40s with two DCs for goodness sake! I've now got four more days of this, she doesn't want me to leave her on her own! Heeelp. I do want her to go. I feel on one hand a bitch for feeling like this and on the other very annoyed...

OP posts:
IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 21:41

Why is everyone calling her a girl?? Usually everyone is all over posters who say 18 year olds are girls, never mind a 20 year old

Because she's acting like a toddler, probably?

LaurieMarlow · 09/05/2018 21:44

OP, this feels like a massive over reaction.

Surely when hiring an au pair, you know you run the risk of them being weepy and useless? Hiring inexperienced young women for minimal wages doesn't always work out, surprise, surprise.

I don't know why you mentioned her phone though, that's none of your business.

Also, it's very weird that your friends are worried about you. Why would it worry them that your AP is homesick? That makes no sense.

Aridane · 09/05/2018 21:54

Those of you who say I've not shown much empathy... my oldest child (9) was sobbing her heart out last night wondering why our au pair 'didn't like her and wanted to go home'.

Dear god

Nunya · 09/05/2018 22:02

Those of you who say I've not shown much empathy... my oldest child (9) was sobbing her heart out last night wondering why our au pair 'didn't like her and wanted to go home'.

Dear god

^Right? WHY on earth would your 9 year old think that was the reason the AP wants to go home?

Before we left she couldn't stop staring at me and I felt very uncomfortable, I'm in my 40s with two DCs for goodness sake!

I don't get that part at all.

Aridane · 09/05/2018 22:07

The implication is that au pair couldn’t take her eyes off the ravishing OP, notwithstanding her age etc

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2018 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

blueshoes · 09/05/2018 22:34

I have to admit that the 9 year old sobbing and blaming herself for an aupair she barely knows going home does not sound plausible at all.

This is quite atypical behaviour. The 9 year old would not have bonded with the aupair in such a short time and the aupair does not seem to have made any effort to get to know the 9 year old. Why would the child even care whether the aupair was in the house or not? My children (who had aupairs between the ages of 1 and 14) never shed a tear at an aupair leaving however much they liked their aupair. Must be a very sensitive child.

UserV · 09/05/2018 23:42

@TatianaLarina

I was 13 when I first went to stay with a French family I’d never met. I didn’t cry once, I don’t even remember feeling homesick.

WOW! Bully for you!!! Hmm

To feel really annoyed that our Italian au pair....
imweirdandcool · 09/05/2018 23:59

Off subject but i will clean your house if sge goes lol need a part time job

Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 10/05/2018 08:07

To be honest the whole situation is upsetting. Some of the replies here haven’t helped. This isn’t really a supportive community is it? I don’t mind being beratedbut being told ‘I smell bullshit’ what world do you live in? We had a lovely au pair last year that my then 7 turning 8 year old loved and missed when she left. The upset came from that - she still misses the other au pair and was hoping to have the same bond with our new one. We told her things would be different - but why would her behaviour be ‘bullshit’ very unkind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 10/05/2018 08:11

the OP is ravishing not withstanding her age?!! im guessing this poster has some issues that you need to take elsewhere. For the record I used to be a model so I’m not ugly by any means, also used to be ‘looked at’. The staring was very disconcerting it wasn’t admiration.

OP posts:
JackieReacher · 10/05/2018 08:18

It sounds like your interview process was faulty;?you should have been aware from a decent interview that she'd never worked and never left her own town and therefore that adjustment would be tricky. Ask better questions next time. What made you pick her?

elderflowerandrose · 10/05/2018 08:26

Hire an English au pair or nanny if dealing with homesickness is such an issue.

You sound unpleasant no wonder she wants to go home.

Tinkobell · 10/05/2018 08:26

She's a kid really and clearly not at all self sufficient. These things happen with au pairs. All the time. Someone hasn't done enough Pre-checks.....either you or your agency. She needs to just go home. Sort out another au pair and to avoid the same scenario I'd hire someone who has already been in the uk a while and is more settled.

SeriouslyBanana · 10/05/2018 08:26

Ok kate moss calm down Confused

YellowStages · 10/05/2018 08:36

OP, don't listen to the posters saying 'I smell bullshit'. It's horrible and quite frankly, quite nasty. They should know that if they don't think something is quite right, to report and MNHQ will take a look.

Anyway, as I said before, it's utterly bizarre that previous posters think it's okay to swan in to a job, do nothing you're suppose to be doing, and then proceed to take full cheeky fuckery by failing to meet any of your DC needs.

She's lot a child. She's a woman. Yes, she may well be very home sick. By lenience with home sickness would be telling her to call it a day an hour or two early to begin with.

Not completely neglecting her job role altogether.

I am interested in why you picked her though. You had interviewed her, did she come across well then?

ThomasHardyPerennial · 10/05/2018 08:38

You're not explaining yourself well op, so not really a surprise some of the replies are unhelpful. What exactly do you want people to say?

BlueJava · 10/05/2018 08:42

Yes, I think you being unreasonable. If you're not prepared to really help someone settle in then make sure you employ experienced people who are local or someone who has a lot of experience and has done previous jobs abroad before and been successful at it.

What's her phone got to do with anything? Her parents probably bought it for her so she could contact them - entirely reasonable. As for staring at you... maybe she was wondering how long she'd be alone, and it's probably slightly worrying to arrive in a household where there is then a funeral which you don't have cultural references for.

Four more days is hardly a lifetime is it? It would be nice to try and make that time positive for both of you.

blueshoes · 10/05/2018 08:47

OP is explaining herself. She does not need to "calm down".

I see why your oldest would be upset. It is quite sweet of her to want to recreate the same bond with this latest aupair that she had with her previous. Maybe my children have seen so many aupairs/carers come and go they take longer to warm up and take things in their stride. They are hardass children.

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 10/05/2018 08:48

You're getting a bit of a hard time here OP but I'm not surprised you're cross. A serious allergy (to a very common thing) is very different to a food intolerance. I would imagine that the fact she can't touch cheese is an issue because it means she can't prepare food for or clear up after the kids? It certainly would be an issue in our house between the milk in cereal, pizza, mac and cheese etc that gets consumed. The agency should absolutely have informed you of this front and centre - it would be a deal breaker for me.

That said - she sounds utterly unsuited to au pair work - did the fact she had zero employment history listed not concern you? Because there is no way I'd take on an au pair who had never worked a day in their lives.

Yes she sounds upset but expecting you not to leave the house is ridiculous.

At least she's leaving - look for an older more experienced au pair next time, lesson learned....

pigmcpigface · 10/05/2018 08:48

Newsflash: employees are people, not robots. They have their own emotional lives and needs. Clearly, in this case, this young woman is not in a good place. Yes, it's annoying for you, but the right thing to do is to look after her while she's with you.

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 10/05/2018 08:50

OP you are well rid I'm afraid. Some au pairs just can't hack it. It does sound like you need to be a bit more thorough with your interviewing beforehand.

Either go through an agency or make sure you get someone who

Had travelled abroad before, preferably on their own
Has had a job of some description
Has experience of childcare in some capacity and speak to whoever they used to babysit for (make sure it isn't just 'cousins')
Had chores to do at home or has lived away from home and knows what this entails.

Nailing the above might take longer but will make for a much better match. We also prefer slightly older au pairs (24/25) and usually try to find someone who has friends or family in the Uk already. We also try to find out how independent they are. Are they good at making friends etc?

Even with the above though we've had a disaster who only lasted a couple of weeks. But we've also have 4 amazing au pairs. Our current one has just asked if she can stay an extra 6 months.

Good luck!

blueshoes · 10/05/2018 08:51

To another poster's suggestion , I would not hire English aupairs just because of the homesickness. In the first place, living with another family, even if English speaking and from the same culture, can still be a shock. Look at the different opinions on one subject even within mnetters in the UK. Living with another family and negotiate an awkward employer/family arrangement can be very strange indeed.

Postive attitude and go gettingness of the aupair is very important. English aupairs would not fit that profile. They sound like they would be drifting rather than the sort to want challenges and who will roll with the punches.

OP, you could consider refining your interview technique. Think about your previous aupair who your dd liked. What her profile and character. Believe me, even at the best of times and the best of screening methods, it is not fullproof. You could try to spot red flags, based on this experience.

jugglingsatsumas · 10/05/2018 08:54

I was an au-pair at 18 and I had the worst homesickness ever! I also had a pretty awful family and was sexually-assualted by a family member which didn't help. I did stick it out though - helped by the fact that I didn't have a mobile and they took away my money!! In the end it actually turned into quite a positive experience. It is a shame that you can't persuade her to stick it out and give it a go but there is only so much you can do.

VivaKondo · 10/05/2018 08:58

I have to say I’m wondering why this woman look a job as an pair if she had never left home.
And yes it looks like she is used to be babied, which of course doesn’t work if you are working as an au pair.

OP I think you will have to bear it for the next few days. Treat her like a young teen (as this is how she is behaving) rather than an adult for the next few days, as much as you can whilst remembering this is just for a few days. This shall pass!!
As other posters have said, you probably have dogged a bullet there. So I would concentrate on that (aka the positive!) or the few days.

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