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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really annoyed that our Italian au pair....

274 replies

Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 18:47

Arrived last Thursday and is going home on Sunday. Basically she's 20 and has never lived away from home before, including visiting anywhere else in her home country. She hasn't worked since leaving school at 18 (she has a £1k iPhone NOT that I'm jealous). We found out she has a serious dairy allergy (we knew from our Skype calls she had an issue with eating dairy) we only found out on Sunday that she carries an epipen and can't touch cheese.
She's decided to go back home because she just was crying all the time. She's not offered to help at all and I just had to ask her to clean up after herself when she makes a meal, i.e crumbs and washing up the plate. DH and I had to go to a funeral today (elderly relative) and I got dressed up with high heels some make up and a fairly dressy navy dressed compared to what I've worn since she's been here. Before we left she couldn't stop staring at me and I felt very uncomfortable, I'm in my 40s with two DCs for goodness sake! I've now got four more days of this, she doesn't want me to leave her on her own! Heeelp. I do want her to go. I feel on one hand a bitch for feeling like this and on the other very annoyed...

OP posts:
YouCantGetHereFromThere · 09/05/2018 19:31

Hang on - if she touches cheese she'll have an anaphylactic reaction? In that case I guess she would struggle.

We have a lot of allergies in our family, but although several are anaphylactic it's only if the substance is ingested, which is easy to avoid.

HappyFeet1212 · 09/05/2018 19:32

She's 20, not 15 for goodness sake. I can understand that this is annoying.
Grit your teeth & count the days, she'll be gone soon enough.

MissConductUS · 09/05/2018 19:32

OMG, I just saw this movie on Netflix called "Carol" - it's about a beautiful older married woman and a shop girl who fall in love but it all comes to naught because of their circumstances.

Fab movie if anyone is looking for something to watch.

SchrodingersCatepillar · 09/05/2018 19:33

I don’t blame you OP, I could never trust someone who doesn’t eat cheese Shock

user1494667160 · 09/05/2018 19:33

Italians do not dress smartly for funerals. They literally turn up in trainers/clothes they hang out in.
I found it really strange but it is just a cultural difference.

UserV · 09/05/2018 19:34

@Bluntness100

Sounds like you and me (and several others) are thinking along the same lines! The OP sounds a bit jealous of this young woman, and I also bet her husband had no problem with her!

25 years ago, my friend who was 18 at the time, (and very pretty, and endearing,) got a job as a live-in nanny with a couple (in their mid 30's,) with 3 kids aged 3 to 6.

After a few days, the woman started making comments about how my friend 'needed to cover herself up more,' and wear flat shoes, and not wear so much make-up, and seemed to get really cross with her about nothing!

She got on great with the dad in the family who was pleasant and courteous with her.

After 3 weeks, the woman decided it 'wasn't working out' with my friend. Wink

Could not have been more obvious that the woman was jealous! Hmm

blueshoes · 09/05/2018 19:34

Reading between the lines, you sound a wee bit jealous of her OP.

That is a massive extrapolation. I have had some pretty gorgeous aupairs. I like the 18-22 age range. It would never occur to me that is the root of the issue.

This aupair is a very young 20 year old. I have had 18 year old aupairs who are much more together. It will be a mutual agreement to terminate early. I would prefer not to have someone with a severe allergy in my house either. She sounds pretty pathetic.

OP, I can understand the annoyance. You have to try to be the bigger person and be civil to her until she is safely despatched home.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2018 19:34

Wow! She seriously lacks independence. I was living abroad at that age and teaching high school kids, some of whom were older than me.... I feel sorry that she has been so emotionally stunted. Not that this is of any use to you. Shame she wasn’t able to take an earlier flight.

MsGameandWatching · 09/05/2018 19:37

Bully for you Mummy. I was working full time at 16, married with my own home at 19. Big deal. It doesn't mean someone is "emotionally stunted" because they're not doing what we did at the age we did it.

Pengggwn · 09/05/2018 19:39

Sorry but if you want to pay peanuts for young women from other countries to do childcare for you, you're going to have to suck it up when they don't work out.

blueshoes · 09/05/2018 19:43

As for people wondering why the aupair took the role in the first place, I have asked myself that question of a few of my aupairs.

I think it is unrealistic expectations and taking up aupairing as a default because they do not have ambition or ability to do anything more challenging. Sometimes, they might be running away from something in their current situation, rather than embracing the new challenge of an aupair role. When they arrive, it is a big culture shock and the shine wears off quickly when they realise it is not what they thought living with another family in a different country without their support system. Sometimes, there is also an element of mental fragility to look out for.

It is quite difficult to screen for this because they put on a show for during the interview. Best to just cut losses and move on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2018 19:49

MsGame
I was referring to the fact she also hasn’t worked. It’s not a criticism of her rather of her parenting. Allowing her not to work for two years unless there is some kind of back story is not good. I think you’ve completely overreacted.

AviatorShades · 09/05/2018 19:51

I encountered homesickness in someone a few years ago when I lived in Rome. A man was posted to Rome on a 2-year contract from England,and the package included bringing his wife and family, rent paid on the villa the company rented for them, etc.etc.

The wife, who was in her 40s, started crying the minute they touched down at Rome airport and just never, ever stopped.Shock. Couldn't even be soothed by a cup of tea made with LiptonsT-bags. Even the water to make it made it tasted 'foreign' apparently. Never met anything like it!

She returned back to middle England 4-5 days later, taking the children with her.

SeaCabbage · 09/05/2018 19:51

Best thing to do is to use this as a learning experience and make sure you ask lots of questions of the next one before she comes over!

wideawak · 09/05/2018 19:54

What does having a serious allergy have to do with anything? Is she a lessor person because she has to carry lifesaving medication?!

viques · 09/05/2018 19:55

Poor girl,she must be feeling miserable. try having a bit of empathy for a young kid away from home for the first time, with a possibly life threatening illness ,living with a disapproving sour faced employer......

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 09/05/2018 19:56

The wife, who was in her 40s, started crying the minute they touched down at Rome airport and just never, ever stopped.shock. Couldn't even be soothed by a cup of tea made with LiptonsT-bags. Even the water to make it made it tasted 'foreign' apparently. Never met anything like it!

I think I'd weep if someone tried to force me to drink tea made with Liptons Grin

Mrsmadevans · 09/05/2018 19:57

She sounds a nightmare. I don't think yabu at all.

Laiste · 09/05/2018 20:00

I howled all the way up the M40 the day i left London for good and cried again in bed that night. Aged 30. And it was me who wanted to move! Grin

CharltonLido73 · 09/05/2018 20:03

Italians tend to stay close to home, and what with the extremely high youth unemployment rate in Italy currently, it is not surprising she has not yet had a job. Maybe going abroad was the only way she could find work?

I aupaired in France at 20 and was extremely homesick for the first couple of weeks, even though I was used to living away from home as a university student. It was the complete culture shock - being catapulted into a strange family in a foreign land.

I later went to work as an English Language assistant in Florence - still aged 20. The Italian women of my acquaintance were always asking me how my mother could ever have allowed me to move so far away from home; to them I was still a child.

I can therefore believe that this 20 year old Italian is young for her age. It must be very annoying when your childcare plans are suddenly scuppered, but with a bit of patience and support she may feel more willing to give it a go.

corcaithecat · 09/05/2018 20:05

How did you vet her before you took her on? Next time, could you get a friend to chat to them in their native language over Skype and find out a bit more about them beforehand?
I’ve met some lovely au pairs via my friends and I’m still Facebook friends with 2 of them whose charges were best friends with my DC.

Jezebel101 · 09/05/2018 20:09

Poor girl! Far away from home and probably very aware her new employer has the hump over her allergies and how expensive her phone is.

You can be a worldly 20 year old and you could be a young 20 year old, either way she's a fish out of water and is just as disappointed with how things turned out as the OP, but without the years of life experience that makes it all easier to cope with.

Just be kind for a few days, then she's gone. It's not a huge burden to be nice to a homesick kid.

Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 20:10

I have also worked abroad (when I was 18). The allergy is relevant because I nearly asked her to make my children cheese sandwiches, I'm hoping she would have told us.. but what if I had left her alone with my children and she went into shock. They are young and wouldn't have known what to do. I used to be vegan so avoiding dairy is not a big deal - we have lots of alternatives. I have really tried to help her... we have gone out of our way to help her and help her fit in. Update though since I wrote the OP; she has an English friend (an older lady) in Italy who messaged me just now. This is what she wrote: "I'm so sorry I knew she was spoilt but didn't realise how spoilt she was. I hope you are all okay."]
With the dressing up, I felt very strange being stared at in my own home. She can't get on an earlier flight. She also wanted us to take her through passport control - on to her flight. I explained we can't do that (not least because on Sunday we have a big family do on). Those of you who say I've not shown much empathy... my oldest child (9) was sobbing her heart out last night wondering why our au pair 'didn't like her and wanted to go home'.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 09/05/2018 20:12

Oh God we had one of these when we were kids.

Yeah I’m sure OP’s really jealous of the clingy 20 yr old with the life-threatening dairy allergy. (Wtaf?)

It’s really annoying when this happens, but just look forward to her replacement.

Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 20:13

Charloton said L Italians tend to stay close to home, and what with the extremely high youth unemployment rate in Italy currently, it is not surprising she has not yet had a job. Maybe going abroad was the only way she could find work?
Yes that's what we thought. Only thing is - she doesn't seem to want to to the work bit either. When I took her on the school run she insisted on chatting to the Italian mother at the school - and we lost her at the school gates. I had asked her to follow me so I could show her how to help my youngest child into class (reception). When I found her - she had made plans to go out that weekend (last weekend).

OP posts:
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