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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this back to court?

608 replies

Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:24

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 09/05/2018 08:26

Yanbu. I get that his job is tough, but he's the one that took you to court. Try to get some evidence of his aggression, because that's not acceptable and needs to be addressed. Flowers

Emma198 · 09/05/2018 08:27

I'd tell him exactly what and when your plans are and say you're happy to be flexible but you already have x, y, z booked around when he was meant to see her and therefore you'll still be keeping her on the relevant days.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:30

I’ve now started keeping all the messages he sends. The problem is, if I tell him we have plans for a weekend that he wants to swap, he gets very aggressive and basically intimidates me into giving into him. I know that’s my fault. But he still has the ability to scare me.

OP posts:
Jonbb · 09/05/2018 08:35

Just say no, and repeat. He knows you will give in but what a shock when you don't. Say no. Imagine a brick wall and you are that wall.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:36

But surely if I say no to him, I’m then in breach of the CAO and this can go against me? Or at least that’s what he keeps telling me

OP posts:
Twirlywooos · 09/05/2018 08:38

I wouldn’t allow my child to spend time with someone who thought it was ok to intimidate and scare me.

Queenofthestress · 09/05/2018 08:39

No, you only need to make her available for contact on the days set out in the CAO. If he's not there then he's not there, so book your stuff for when it's your weekend, if he wants to swap then tough shit.

FASH84 · 09/05/2018 08:42

You're not in breach if you have made arrangements and agreed on dates that satisfy the CAO, if he then waves to change them, be flexible occasionally but you are not at his beck and call. The CAO sunny state that he can pick and choose when to change dates and when he says jump you have to say how high. He is being unreasonable by refusing to tell his employer who would accommodate his contact time.

Cath2907 · 09/05/2018 08:42

Why don't you get some legal advice from a solicitor. If the CAO says every other weekend and you give your Ex dates that he can have that equate to every other weekend then you are meeting the order. If he then wants to swap you can be nice and do so but as far as I can see refusing to swap does not breach the order. Your DD is available for him to see every other weekend. If he can't organise his life to make those dates that is HIM breaching the order not you. Before taking him back to court get some legal advice about what steps the order requires you to take to facilitate his access and then do only that and stop letting him bully you. Keep records of communication between you.

Bagadverts · 09/05/2018 08:44

I'm guessing your ex is in the forces. Are there any forums you could use, MN or elsewhere or a solicitor. Given the type of job I wonder if the court can order that CAO details is disclosed

Queenofthestress · 09/05/2018 08:46

That's all my solicitor told me to do - make DD available for contact on the days he's meant to see her, if he's not there then he's not there, he's in breach if he's not there to see her, you can occasionally be nice and swap but if you've got things planned on your day then you don't have to swap at all

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:48

Yes, he’s in the forces. I suppose it frustrates me that he dragged me through court to get the CAO, but now he doesn’t want to have it enforced because he doesn’t want to risk his chances of promotion. Why go through all that if you’re not going to be able to stick to what the court ordered?

OP posts:
gingerbreadbiscuits · 09/05/2018 08:54

Do you want your child to spend more time with him? What would happen if you contacted his commanding officer?

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:57

I want dd to have consistency. It’s confusing for her when she doesn’t see him for 4-5 weeks and then he wants her for a week.
I’ve no idea who his CO is, and I can’t even begin to imagine the rage I’d be on the receiving end of if I tried to contact them

OP posts:
Bringonspring · 09/05/2018 09:03

I think it’s great that you’ve shown flexibility and also credit to exh for maintaining contact despite being in the army (my husband also was)

However there is flexibility and then there is crazy (which this is s). Is there anyway you can say your happy to be flexible but not every weekend, maybe once a month and here are the weeks which are no gos (eg holidays you’ve booked)

The army are still such a backdated organisation when it comes to families, they are hugely disorganised when it comes to exercises and would often give my husband no notice on an exercise which easily could have been pre planned. Some of the PP where people are saying ‘he should just take her on days’ probably don’t have direct experience of the army

DonutCone · 09/05/2018 09:03

gingerbread are you having a laugh?! DH is on the Army, I can't even tell you how long they would still be laughing for if someone's wife or ex wife called the CO. Come on! If he were in any other other job would you suggest she call his boss? It just doesn't work like that.

And it's not just promotion. Sometimes there is no one else to swap with. If you have the duty phone for example you cannot simply hand it to someone else. You must stay within 30 mins of your duty station and only certain people can have the phone. It's just just promotion but his whole career he would ruin.

The army really isn't like other jobs.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 09/05/2018 09:04

In your position I'd go back to court. This is about your daughter and giving her some stability.

I have a virtual post-it note in my brain which says "Put [son's name] first". It helps me to direct my anger and frustration in the right way e.g. yes, it's fair that I'm pissed off about that because it effects our son, or no, that's me getting annoyed cos ex is an arse.

Good luck.

LongWalkShortPlank · 09/05/2018 09:04

I had this with my ex. I had to stop swapping around and reminding him that our court order says that eow or Friday night to Saturday morning if he can't do the whole weekend due to work. I think you've been flexible to a point, and it isn't working in your child's best interests anymore. If his child is more important to him than his career then he would get his time enforced and that would be that, but it's him deciding not to and expecting you to live around him. It just doesn't work, and it's like a weight is lifted when you put a stop to it!

Aprilmightbemynewname · 09/05/2018 09:06

Is he such a bully to your dd I wonder?

AnathemaPulsifer · 09/05/2018 09:10

It's easy for booking stuff with your daughter - you're safe to book anything on weekends the court order says are yours. Assuming your court order doesn't say 'he can have child whenever he wants', don't let him intimidate you.

Booking stuff without your daughter is far harder as if he is working care defaults to you :(

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 09:10

gingerbread I get what you’re saying about duty etc. But given that he’s been in for nearly 10 years, he knew when we went to court what his job entailed, so why ask for something he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to stick to?
As a PP put, it’s about putting DD first. And he’s making it very obvious that she doesn’t come first in his mind. He’s told me on numerous occasions that if I took him back to court then the judge would look at his job and not change the CAO. But surely that makes a mockery of the whole thing?

OP posts:
Bringonspring · 09/05/2018 09:10

I agree with donutcone do not phone his CO

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 09:11

Sorry, that should have been Donutcone

OP posts:
Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 09:12

I wouldn’t ever contact his CO, or any other colleague. Wouldn’t be worth the hell i’d get

OP posts:
Likejellytots88 · 09/05/2018 09:20

I think like other PP have said you need to put your foot down, you cant keep rolling over saying yes because it will just keep happening. I'm not sure how it would work with him being in the army but I'm sure there must be a way. We had issues with DP XW always wanted to swap weekends or cut our weekends short, eventually DP just started saying no and then not replying to her messages (which could get vile) until she calmed down. She's starting to figure it out now that we aren't at her beck and call, we don't mind the odd favour - did one yesterday - but we don't make a habit of it anymore. We have a routine and she knows when she has the DC so needs to start planning things according and vice versa. Your ex needs to figure something out rather than expect you to drop everything for him all the time.