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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this back to court?

608 replies

Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:24

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

OP posts:
JamPasty · 10/05/2018 21:47

I can't offer any constructive advice, but I just wanted to post to say good on you - you are handling this really well given how frightening and difficult this must all be. Hugs

Lookatyourwatchnow · 10/05/2018 21:55

Well done OP. You need to stay strong for your DD. Don't let this dickhead intimidate or control you. He doesn't have a leg to stand on and he knows it. His behaviour is all about controlling you and nothing about prioritising his child.

Shocked at some of the posters on here making allowances for abuse just because he's 'in the forces'. I genuinely thought that MN as a whole was better than that.

Veterinari · 11/05/2018 00:08

Well done OP Flowers It probably feel odd because you’re used to his behaviour and so you’ve ‘normalised’ It. It is NOT normal

Harassment and coercive control are illegal - keep reporting: police. Army. Whatever it takes.

Stick to the email only contact, you’re being awesome.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 11/05/2018 06:33

I don’t feel very awesome this morning, I feel awful. Despite me making it clear he was not to contact my Mum again, he still did, to say he’ll no longer be doing pick up/drop off, his parents will. So yet more confusion for DD.
This has never been about playing games. I so desperately want stability and consistency for DD, and yes, maybe selfishly, I want to be free of his intimidation and bullying ways. Unfortunately I think I’ve just made things worse for myself, because I know by doing this, and trying to be assertive, i’ll have made things worse. I’m scared of what will happen now.

OP posts:
SunshineandRain18 · 11/05/2018 06:39

I find it quite halarious that a judge ordered you to work around EX's job. But did he ever take yours into consideration? I bet you have to sort childcare out for your job!

Tell him to do the same and yes take it back to court. Double standards at its best. I'm a man who has to work. So you must accomadate me.

Unless you don't work. Even so he can't keep messing up your plans.

NoodleKT · 11/05/2018 07:03

I'm sorry you're feeling bad this morning OP Thanks
It is NOT selfish to want his bullying to stop. Not at all.

Stay strong, you can do this

Bekabeech · 11/05/2018 07:13

Nope his parents picking her up will become the new normal quite quickly. Unless they are awful people it could be a good thing, and she can build a relationship with them. He might also behave better because his parents will witness his behaviour.

And it cuts out one more time for him to intimidate you.

charlestonchaplin · 11/05/2018 07:21

It is better that his parents pick up your daughter. There will be less opportunity for her to witness him behaving badly towards you.

I am confused about why you are returning to court to vary the CAO. I thought it was your ex who had problems keeping to it? How will changing it resolve that?

Penfold007 · 11/05/2018 08:51

Just I'm not surprised you don't feel so good this morning. After years of being controlled and abused by this bully you've stood up for DD and yourself.

Please get your parents to ring the police and report his harassment. It's really important that it's recorded.
His parents doing pick ups and returns is actually a good idea. DD will soon settle into the new routine.
You haven't made things worse, it's the start of your journey into making things better for you and DD.
You are awesome Flowers

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 11/05/2018 09:00

I think it’s difficult to get out of the mindset of ‘it’s not that bad’. I am spectacularly bad at standing up for myself, and hate confrontation. I know what he’s been doing for the past nearly 4 years is wrong, he tried to convince me I was mentally unstable and incapable of looking after DD, but it’s so hard when he plays the bitter wouldn’t melt, I just want to be a good dad card. I don’t know how to make myself stop minimising what he’s done.

OP posts:
theeyeofthestormchaser · 11/05/2018 09:07

I suspect that the aggression he feels is borne out of frustration that he finds himself between a rock and a hard place. Flexibility on your part is the key here. If you can be a little more flexible then you may See his attitude begin to change.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, Hoopspoops. The OP is the only onne being flexible here. The CAO was the ex's idea.

The OP's ex is deliberately bullying and intimidating her - 29 messages and 6 calls.

OP, I'm so sorry. Your ex is a nasty bully. (Is he like that with your dd? I bet he soon will be.)

Police. Now. You have to report his harassment.

He's being completely unreasonable asking you to put all your summer plans on hold until HE knows what HE's doing. And it sounds like it's impossible to argue with someone like him. He just won't see anyone else's POV.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 11/05/2018 09:08

Have you thought about counselling, OP? Flowers

I want to be free of his intimidation and bullying ways.

Of course you do. That's not selfish at all. Everybody ash the right to live free of intimidation.

Unfortunately I think I’ve just made things worse for myself, because I know by doing this, and trying to be assertive, i’ll have made things worse. I’m scared of what will happen now.

Police.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 11/05/2018 09:14

Well done, OP, I hope the police are helpful. Talk to them about a non mol order.

Calling your Mum is unacceptable.

Let us know how you get on. Thinking of you.

(And ignore CalF - she gives insane advice on every thread I've seen her on.)

Fishface77 · 11/05/2018 09:16

Have you spoken to the police op? What did they say?
Did you ring the army?

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 11/05/2018 09:32

I’ve spoken to the police, who have added this to the original log from last year. Not a whole lot they can do apparently, but at least it’s all been recorded and it’s there should I need it. All messages have been saved. I’m in 2 minds about ringing the welfare officer... I’m thinking I may call and ask for some general advice, without naming names to see how the land lies. I just don’t know.

OP posts:
theeyeofthestormchaser · 11/05/2018 09:36

Ring the welfare officer. They will be able to advise you.

Why can't the police do anything?

Veterinari · 11/05/2018 09:49

Hugs OP Flowers

Stay strong - you are awesome
You’re doing the best thing for your daughter and role-modelling for her.

If your ex chooses to play games that’s his choice and his responsibility, not yours!

sparklepops123 · 11/05/2018 10:09

Ring the welfare officer and like you say just don't name names, I'm sure they'll give you some advice

Hortonlovesahoo · 11/05/2018 10:19

The welfare officer can give you some advice and might be able to steer you in the right direction.

Id definitely make a point of standing firm and being the “grey rock”. He’s retaliating because it’s a change and he’s not getting his own way. Don’t let him get it the better of you

Melliegrantfirstlady · 11/05/2018 10:24

Op

I’m slightly confused. Don’t take this the wrong way but how can you expect someone in the armed forces to adhere to set times and days when they are at the behest of their job?

He can’t control the duty roster etc - you will know this.

A judge would absolutely understand that the armed forces won’t bow down to a court order. They can’t take childcare commintments into account when deciding upon operations etc but you would know this already?

Obviously the fact he is bullying you is wrong etc but how do you expect him to overrule command on when he needs to be at work etc?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 11/05/2018 10:26

If his changes are by personal choice then I understand your annoyance but if it’s work orders then he can’t do anything about it

Motoko · 11/05/2018 10:26

Is he ringing your mum on her mobile or landline? If it's her mobile, she should block him.

You're doing the right thing standing up to him. Have you spoken to Women's Aid? You might find the Freedom Programme helpful too.

You need to find out about getting a harassment order against him.

elephantscanring · 11/05/2018 10:39

If his changes are by personal choice then I understand your annoyance but if it’s work orders then he can’t do anything about it

Then why did HE go to court and ask for the CAO??? This is all his doing.

The way HE is handling all this is wrong. He is harrassing and bullying the OP.

Jonbb · 11/05/2018 10:49

Op, stand firm, things will get better. Would it help if a solicitors letter were sent to your ex, explaining that he needs to keep to the Order and to communicate via email only, and that if he continues to harass you action will be taken under the protection from harassment act, or a molestation order will be applied for? That will lay out in no uncertain terms the expectation for his behaviour.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 11/05/2018 10:54

Mellie HE is the one who requested this order. He knew damn well he probably wouldn’t be able to adhere to it, but having bullied me into submission previously, no doubt he assumed he could continue to do the same. I have never requested this CAO, HE did, and he doesn’t even keep to it!

OP posts: