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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this back to court?

608 replies

Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:24

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 09/05/2018 09:21

You need to gather all of your strength and put it on the line.

Tell him he has two choices. To stick to the order or to ASK if he can see DD on x date, on the understanding that if you already have plans, then he cannot and you will not accept any aggressive behaviour. None.

Tell him that if he is aggressive again you will be contacting his CO, and mean it. They take a VERY dim view of men behaving like this - and he knows it.

You have to gather yourself together and do this. For your own sake and your DD’s. She’s little now, but she won’t always be - don’t let her grow up in an environment where you are scared of her father and what a man says goes, despite it not being good for anyone else.

You CAN do it 💐

PaintedHorizons · 09/05/2018 09:36

I disagree. He has a job that is really not easy to manage. He could give that up and be a full time carer for DD - I presume you would fight that.
He could give it up and take a min wage part time job - and be consistent and see DD more. But there'd be no money. Presumably you wouldn't like that.

Work with him not against him. If he can't get the weekends sorted and you can - work around it. You get whole weeks "off" - most single parents would love that - time for holidays, other relationships, to yourself....

DD is not a TimeShare - she's a child - and the more flexible you are in facilitating a good realitonship between the whole family the better it will be, both now and in the future.

People forget that kids become adults - and then see the game playing for what it was - and don't always think that it has been in their best interests.

(When she has a birthday party on Saturday and wants to be with you for that weekend - will you stick rigidly to the arrangement or ask for a swap so that DD can go to Emilie's party?)

PaintedHorizons · 09/05/2018 09:40

And yes I do know what it is like. I was the RP - and he worked away a lot.

Bekabeech · 09/05/2018 09:43

When she has a birthday party on Saturday and wants to be with you for that weekend - will you stick rigidly to the arrangement or ask for a swap so that DD can go to Emilie's party?

That is exactly what happen in most cases I know - you invite a child to a birthday party and get a "sorry that's his Dad's weekend and he won't allow parties" comes back.

OP - you need to communicate with him only by one route - ideally email (texts will do), change phone numbers of get the phone number transferred to a cheap PAYG phone just for him. Keep messages. Keep a diary. If he intimidates you record it, and if serious enough go to the police.

Contact is supposed to be for the child - you can already see the harm his attitude is having. Keep to the required contact. And just say NO! (Nothing else just No.)

bellabasset · 09/05/2018 09:47

I think you need to be more assertive. Tell him that he obtained a CAO which is unworkable given his occupation and aspirations to advance that career. It is not compatible with the daily needs of your dd. Reinforce that you wish her to continue to have contact with him but he needs to look at how he can combine his career with his duties as a parent providing consistency and care for his dd. Tell him that if he is unable or unwilling to find a solution you will have to look at going backto court.

bumblingbovine49 · 09/05/2018 09:55

When you book weekends away/holiday or have commitments you really don't want DD to miss you need to send him the dates and say they are not negotiable so he cannot have your DD at those times but be flexible about the other times. Give him lots of notice and remind him if he later asks for that time. Other that that, although I can see how annoying it would be, I would try to be flexible (annoying as it is ) as I think his job reason is quite a valid one .

Start now by replying to his email about not knowing when he will want to see her in the next 4 months but saying 'that is fine but xx and xx dates are not availble as we wiull be on holiday/away. Stick to that regardless. If those dates end up being inconveneinet for him (ie he is free but you are way) he will have to suck it up and you DD can see him at the next opportunity he has.

I know you wanty more consistency for yout DD but this is a ballt you can't win. He is not going to change this but you can take firm and clear steps to minimise its impact on your ability to plan for things.

Do not let this affect you ability to book holidays. Take the iniotiative and communicate that with him very clearly up front

Hoopspoops · 09/05/2018 11:06

I am HM Forces. I suspect that the aggression he feels is borne out of frustration that he finds himself between a rock and a hard place. He wants to see his daughter in accordance with the court order but, for him, operational necessity and duty will trump it and he will not have the flexibility to change. He anticipates that you will wish to stick to the court order and so when he wants to change his access time he commences negotiation, wrongly, with aggression that is borne of frustration.

I agree with PaintedHorizons. Flexibility on your part (and by that I don’t mean rolling over and acceding to his every whim) is the key here. If you can be a little more flexible then you may See his attitude begin to change.

Xenia · 09/05/2018 11:47

One reason I'd never marry someone in the forces! I suppose in my case as my ex chose never to have them at least I had certainty so had to pay for childcare and I avoided this. Could you say if he can't do his weekends then he had to ghire a weekend nanny to collect the children and care for them or take them to his parents and then his career won't be hurt but you won't be messed around?

charlestonchaplin · 09/05/2018 12:05

It is very unfortunate to see people condoning your ex's intimidation and control of you. He says that every weekend for the next 4 months will have to change but he doesn't know how or when, and you are just meant to go along with that? What about your plans and your daughter's plans? Apart from the general uncertainty, which I would hate, there will be aggression if at short notice you say 'no', because you've made other plans.

This is no way to live. He took you to court to show you who's boss, and he's still showing you who's boss. He's certainly living up to my stereotypical impression of men in the armed forces - barely contained aggression just bubbling beneath the surface and/or control issues. To be avoided at all costs.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 12:07

Thank you charleston that’s exactly it. Thank you for getting it

OP posts:
TheOrigRightsofwomen · 09/05/2018 12:23

I suspect that the aggression he feels is borne out of frustration that he finds himself between a rock and a hard place.

But it was HIM that got the CAO in place in the first place. He put the rocks and hard places there himself and now expects the OP to accommodate the fact that the armed forces don't allow for such set ups.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 12:34

He seems to see his job as his get out of jail free card. He’s said more times than I can count that he’d have left the army before dd starts school. Hasn’t happened and she starts school in Sept. He knew damn well when he applied for the CAO that unless he got in enforced then he wouldn’t be able to keep to it. But as I said, he thinks his job makes him untouchable by the courts

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 09/05/2018 13:39

But as I said, he thinks his job makes him untouchable by the courts

But you have to show him it isn't a free pass. Maybe the judge came up with an unworkable agreement because of his job - but tough lots of women have to struggle with unfair/unworkable agreements because that's what the court ordered.
If at least your side is consistently in place then that will provide some stability to your DD. If she knows 1st and 3rd weekends are always with Mum, then its less unsettling even if Dad doesn't always do 2nd and 4th, than no predictability at all. (She may not be able to use a calendar yet but she will have some sense of time passing.)

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 20:17

Ok, I need some perspective. I told him last night that anything involving contact needs to be put in a text/email. He’s refusing. He’s now repeatedly trying to call me and sending me messages saying he needs to talk to me about weekends. I’ve asked him to put it in a message but he’s refusing. I can’t handle this! He’s still bloody trying to control me and I don’t know how to make him stop

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 09/05/2018 20:27

Block his phone calls. If you need to then tell him by text first you will take text messages at a set time on Friday - otherwise block them. Ideally phone his number altogether and only allow his emails, and only deal with them once a week.

Jonbb · 09/05/2018 20:57

Stick rigidly to the Order. No variation. If he can't do the days then the ball is in his court to go back to court to seek a variation of the Order. He won't do that because he has you on a string, controlling you. Say no if it is not in the Order to the time and days specified. It'll take a few months but he'll get it after a while. It will be better for your daughter in the long run to have consistency per the Order.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 22:12

In the past 2 hours I’ve had 29 messages and 6 calls. Emotional blackmail, threats, the lot. I don’t know what to do anymore

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 09/05/2018 22:25

Police. Now. First the local station, then the redcaps.

FlatTopVera · 09/05/2018 22:31

Definitely the police

CalF123 · 09/05/2018 22:32

If he was changing weekends to go on drinking sprees with his mates, I would see the problem but I think he's clearly in a difficult position with his work that he has no control over. I'd be working with him to find the best solution.

With regards to wanting everything in texts, I can see why he'd be frustrated at that tbh. It's far, far easier to discuss things over the phone and he probably feels you're going to be saving up all his texts so you can use them against him(which is what you're planning to do tbf to him).

Okadas · 09/05/2018 22:34

Download a recording app and tell him you will be recording the phonecall.

KTheGrey · 09/05/2018 22:35

Block him and register the harassment with the police asap. Get a report reference, and insist they record the number of calls.

Take it to your solicitor / CAB as evidence of unreasonable behaviour.

Okadas · 09/05/2018 22:36

It doesn't matter how stressed he is or how difficult a position he is in, it doesn't excuse him talking to the OP like she is shit on his shoe.

Jonbb · 10/05/2018 00:20

I also advise telling him all communication must be by email only and you will not respond to any other methods including texts and phone calls. Then check your emails at a set time everyday, best at 9pm so you are only bothered for a short time. Empower yourself by checking once and then ignoring it or just saying no, lets keep to the court order. Nothing else. Stick rigidly to the Order too. There is nothing to discuss then, is there. He'll get the message. I also advise asking the police to have a word. Clearly he is out of control because that is not normal behaviour. You must not deviate from the court order whatever he says. If he wants to change things he HAS to go back to court.

Jonbb · 10/05/2018 00:28

@CalF123 he went to court to get the Order HE wanted so with respect don't talk bollocks. With controlling abusive exes solicitors will advise communication by email only. If he sticks to the Order HE wanted there is absolutely nothing to discuss. If he wants it changed he goes back to court to request a variation of the Order. You are being very naive if you think this is about his work. He is NOT prioritising his child to ensure contact is consistent and the child is suffering psychological trauma by inconsistent parenting and having a mother who is still being subjected to emotional and psychological bullying and abuse. So let's put the child at the centre of this, where they should be, and be clear that the courts do not like one parent pissing around to the detriment of their child's emotional and psychological welfare.