AIBU to take this back to court?

[Justonedayatatime11]

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

My friend who was in the same position got in touch with women’s Aid and they were fab and supporting her and giving her the tools to deal with his behaviour.

Parents doing pick up is good, so you don’t have to see him or deal with him. This is what courts recommend when emotional abuse is involved.

Stand firm, you can do this and already are.

Elephant

I really don’t know why he went to court. Perhaps the op was frustrated at his work commitments and him being unable to commit to a regular schedule so he sought legal grounds to ensure he could see her when his job allowed it.

Like I say if it’s a personal choice then he’s out of order but if it’s a work commitment then he literally has no control.

A judge will know that the Armed Forces role has commitments like no other and they don’t bend for anyone.

So going back to court and saying to the judge he can’t stick to the order because of his job is not wise imo. The judge may we’ll think op needs to be more flexible given that she will know how inflexible his employer is. I mean he would be classed as AWOL and arrested if he left base to fulfil his contact order (if he had work commitments)

I’m not saying op is out of order I’m just trying to understand the situation better

In court surely the only thing left for the judge is to order op to be more flexible?

There’s no other avenue to go down

But he’s admitted that if he took the CAO to his CO and had it enforced, they would have to allow him EOW off. He’s admitted that he chooses not to do this as it would harm his chances of promotion. His words, not mine.
You seem to have forgotten that none of this is about flexibility, be that mine or his. It’s about stability and consistency for DD. I was always under the impression that the courts were only interested in what’s best for the child, which is all I bloody want anyway.

The armed forces do not put children and families first. They never have and never will.

If your ex stated in court that his employer indeed agreed to give him the flexibility to fulfil the court order and he has not. Then you have a leg to stand on.

I am surprised that they would agree to this. It would set a precedent. Then everyone would want favours!

Favour? She’s his daughter!

But what exactly do you hope to achieve by going back to court @Justonedayatatime11

He can't stick to the CAO because of his job so therefore he can't give your DD consistency and stability. I totally get you're frustration but what do you actually hope to achieve by going back?

You don't need to accept his changes, if he has a work schedule then he needs to make that available to you in advance.

Op

But you will KNOW their stance on these things. The job comes first.

It’s no good being angry at the establishment. It’s the way it is.

You’ve said she loves seeing him etc but being angry at him for not being able to get out of Armed Forces commands is fruitless.

Like I say I’d be surprised if the Armed Forces have decided that they will allow service personnel off duty to fulfil a CAO

Although I agree this will depend upon the posting etc

Then why bloody apply for a CAO in the first place?! If I told him I didn’t know when he could have her for the next 4 months he’d have me back in court so fast I wouldn’t know what hit me. HE wanted this. Everything in the CAO is what HE wanted.

@Justonedayatatime11 yes he did want this but what do you want to achieve by going back?

Fwiw I'm not condoning him at all and I think the way he's going about this is awful. But I think you do have to be realistic about what's actually achievable.

Perhaps he applied for it because he felt he was not getting to see his daughter when his schedule allowed it?

Or were you allowing him access?

I would email him and say you will be making some plans for the children.. you cannot be expected to have your children available at any moment in time.

Also though it sounds like the children do have a good relationship with dad and that relationship is important.

You legally need to follow court order , but for the benefit of childcare. The forces are a separate way of life. Has he told you how much notice he will/ can give?

i think it is fine to block some time out.

As court is usually an action taken when access is denied not granted

Op you sound like your getting mad now use that fire in your belly and ring the welfare officer !!

So I’m just meant to continue giving into him, never making any plans for anything, just in case he changes his mind, snaps his fingers and expects me to jump? It’s double standards, I have to stick to the CAO (and I always have) but it’s ok for him to completely ignore it?

A variation of the order will acknowledge that the father cannot keep to the existing one and will set out what each parent needs to do.
Going through the legal channels is the ONLY way. You can mediate, involve family, be flexible etc until the cows come home, but the only way to avoid being controlled by an abusive partner is via the courts.

The court will put the needs of the child first and that will mean parents not fannying around.

OP I hope that this is a helpful comment as I really hear your pain but although children need consistency they are very adaptable and it's consistency within their norm. Many, many forces children don't see their parent for x weeks. That being said I totally get that its frustrating for you. Agree with the advice to get legal advice if you want to go back to Court - the first question though will be what do you want to ask the Court for....have you been able to consider what you would be happy with?

Make your DD available as per the court order and ask for advance notice (1mt/6 weeks) of changes. Then stick to it and ignore him. Just keep repeating the above. Don’t get dragged in, communicate by email and ignore ignore ignore. Don’t let him bully you.

But varying the order will benefit the father. It’s just common knowledge that the Armed Forces don’t bend. The judge isn’t going to slam him unless you can prove he could actually fulfil the order and has decided not to through his own free will

Armed Forces children understand that Daddy goes away etc it’s the norm

It’s the rules, not his rules.

Welfare won’t do anything. It’s their job to support you whilst ensuring the service person can continue fulfilling their role.

If his work commitments are preventing him from seeing his child then they will just ask if they can support you in any way.

Wow this has really escalated since yesterday.

Is there no way you can just fix certain weekends and holidays as no go areas.

It doesn’t matter but guessing the relationship wasn’t long lived? I knew my husbands rank, regiment etc etc off by hand because it’s ingrained in your as a wife as well.

Sounds like your DD has twobparebts who love hanging out with her so o hope you can make it work.

While right now you feel like this is going to go on forever I promise you it’s not. When my ex realised I was serious about no longer being bullied and controlled by him it all changed. I’m not saying he became a reasonable human being he’s still a knob but one that now knows if I say no I mean no and it’s not because I’m playing games it’s because there is a reason for it.

I will admit however, that he did ramp it up a bit before it got better. I was getting literally 200 calls and messages a day at one point. I got another phone and urged that one off only using it when I had to contact him about the dc. I refused to talk on the phone as well. I treated him like the toddler he was behaving like and no longer gave in to him stamping his feet.
We are 10 years down the line now and over the last year or so I’ve let him In the house for lunch and he’s offered to take out my youngest for the day when he’s taken out the two we had together just in the last 3 months. He’s still pretty inconsistent and will drop a visit like a hot brick. But I changed and so his behaviour changed.

Stick to the CAO make her available for the weekends he is supposed to have her and make plans for what should be your time and let him take you back to court or applying yourself. Don’t be guilted in to anything you are doing the right thing. It feels scary I know but in the long run you doing this is the best thing for both you and your dd.

The judge isn’t going to slam him unless you can prove he could actually fulfil the order and has decided not to through his own free will

The judge should slam him for not being truthful when the order was granted. The ex KNEW he couldn't meet the requirements yet lied (?) to get it passed.

An order does indeed limit flexibility but where there is abuse involved I think it's what you have to do. OP needs to minimise contact with her DD's father for her own (and thus her DD's) welfare.

I think you need to sit down and work out exactly what you want. I am assuming that you really want the ability to make mid term plans without worry that your ex will then come along and disrupt them by saying he wants to change his access weekends? If that is the case then I agree with pp saying you should book holiday etc based around the dates you have. The you should send him and email to say that you have made the following arrangements based on the terms of the court order. If his duty roster changes then you can offer to be flexible but not to the extent of changing weekends when you have already made plans.

How well do you get on with his parents? If they are fairly reasonable then it might work in your favour - you can ask that they are cc'd into all the email correspondence on access arrangements - he might change his tone a bit if his parents are going to read it too?

I wouldn't be too rigid about only checking the email account once a week at such and such a time as that might not go down too well in Court if you did go back - perhaps check it every other evening? Then if he starts to push for changes on weekends when you were supposed to have your dd and when you have told him you have plans just push back with a polite comment that your are sorry that you can't accomodate that as you have already planned xyz as per your earlier email. Evidence of your reasonable behaviour - especially if there is evidence of a bit of flexibility when you can, is going to be useful if he does take you back to court.

This might sound harsh, but it's not helpful to the OP to beat around the bush here and I have some experience in this area.

I get the impression the OP thinks she will go back to court and the judge will completely agree with her portrayal of a feckless dad choosing not to see his DD and remove contact.

But that's not what's actually happening. When he applied for the CAO, his work circumstances may have been different. Now, there's absolutely nothing he can do about not sticking to it as it's outside his control completely.

All that will happen in court is the judge will see this and vary it to potentially make it more flexible. The OP will also not be shown in a good light by refusing to show any flexibility in order to maintain contact despite his work commitments, and by complaining about the DD's DG collecting her from school and arguing that phone calls to inform her of this are 'harassment'.

If anything, all that will show is that she's putting her own interests before that of the DD by going out of her way to show her ex DP in a bad light.